Chapter 48
48
JONATHAN
I t takes me two and a half hours to get to the airport. I picked up a face mask at a convenience store when I stopped to refuel as I’ve heard you can’t fly without one.
But when I arrive, the airport is empty. The airline counters are closed. I rub at my eyes. Of course they would be. Even in normal times, there wouldn’t be flights leaving from this small airport at… I check the time. 1AM. I should have driven straight. It would have taken, what? Nine hours. That’s how long I’ll likely have to wait here, stranded.
I should have thought of this. What now? I could go back to the car. How much petrol will I need to make it into England in Angus’s old car? Shit. Can I even drive his car all that way? Will it survive? I’m trying to think of a plan but it’s like trying to think through mud. The only thought that’s loud and clear is Dad is going to die without me ever apologizing, without me ever speaking to him again.
“Excuse me?” A man in a puffer jacket is hovering just outside the terminal. Like me, he has a white mask covering the lower half of his face. I tense. What could he want? “Jonathan Belle?”
I blink. “Uh, yes?”
“Christopher Swift of Swift Charters.” He offers me his hand, then thinks better of it and waves. “I believe you’re heading for Gatwick?”
“Gatwick. Yes. I’m sorry, charter?”
“Yes indeedy. Right this way, sir.”
I follow in a daze. This stranger leads me to a little Turboprop airplane. It’s sleek and white, with a tiny little cabin that he helps me up into.
“So, how do you know The Beast?” He asks as he readies for takeoff.
Adam organized this. Somehow, he arranged a private flight just for me to be able to get to Dad. I’m still so angry with him and also… it’s such a messy tangle. “I worked for him,” I say.
And the past tense hurts. But will I ever be able to go back? I can’t bear the thought of never seeing the children again. But with Dad…
“That’s cool,” Christopher says. “Was surprised to hear from him. Haven’t spoken in years. I used to fly him out here back in the day.”
As we lift off, Scotland fragments into clusters of glittering lights. Christopher makes small talk at first, but must eventually gauge my mood because he falls silent. I nod off somewhere above Edinburgh and jerk awake as we cross over Nottingham.
“Not long now,” he assures me.
I wonder how much Adam told him of my emergency to get him out here so late.
The horizon brightens from navy, to teal, to vivid orange as we fly over London, then appears to darken again as we land. We touch down at Gatwick just after 4AM.
I have no idea what to do now. I haven’t thought as far. The real world seems so alien, so other , after months on the estate.
I thank Christopher profusely for his aid (how much did it cost? Can Adam even afford it?) as I disembark. The tarmac is dark and shimmering after a recent rain, but the night is warm.
A figure in a dark trench and a matching black face mask strides towards me and I look to Christopher, but he’s already returned to his cockpit. Security?
But then the figure waves and I know him. Zane. Zane’s here.
My limbs are at once heavy with relief. I want to fall into his arms in the most undignified manner. But I manage to stay on my own two feet as he reaches me.
“Hey Babybel.”
I start to cry. So much for dignity.
Zane wraps his arms around me and pulls me close. “Hey now. It’s okay. He’s stable. Come, let’s get you home.”
In the car, the radio blares to life with an upbeat pop song. The lyrics are something about drowning in the night and running out of time. Zane turns the volume down. “Sebastian’s been on the phone to your Beast all night. They’re probably still talking now.”
“Adam? Why?”
While Zane navigates out of the airport parking and onto the M23, he explains that Dad’s tumor is now pressing on an important part of his brain. Surgery is no longer optional if he wants to live, but the kind of surgery he needs is dangerous and the NHS is too overloaded to do it. Before I can lose my meagre dinner out the window of his relatively new hatchback, he explains why Sebastian and Adam have been talking.
“There’s a surgeon who can do the op in New York. He’s one of the top guys in this kind of thing.”
“ New York ? How would Dad get to New York? During a pandemic?”
“Medical tourism—that’s what they call it—is exempt from the travel ban if you can get the right authorizations from the doctors involved. That’s what Sebastian is working on. Adam has been calling in favors to find out if the surgeon can see your father. At the moment even I can’t see him. He’s at Sebastian’s hospital though, so he’s been able to.”
It’s all so much information, but that part catches me. “Sebastian’s hospital?”
“Yeah, he went back. You know what he’s like.”
“You never mentioned.”
He cuts a look at me. “We’re going to compare notes on not mentioning things, are we?”
It’s the first time he’s sounded annoyed with me about this situation. He’s right. I should have spoken to Dad as soon as I was safely at the estate. Instead, I’ve been avoiding him and now… I stare out the window. The sun is starting to brush the countryside, but it’s only a bleak reminder of time passing.
Zane sighs. “Look, you must be exhausted. I can take you home, or you can crash at ours. Get some rest while Sebastian and I make all the calls.”
The idea of going back to the house I share with my father and finding it cold and dark is unbearable. “You don’t mind me staying over?”
“No, Babybel. Of course not.”
By the time we reach Fetchum, the sun has risen properly and it looks like it will be a beautiful day. I feel sticky and gritty.
Zane and Sebastian’s place is a three-story redbrick cottage with large bay windows that let in tons of natural light for Sebastian’s plants. As we crunch up the gravel drive, a little flock of birds sets flight from the hedge.
Inside, the air is scented with coffee. Our footsteps echo on the hardwood floors and I can hear Sebastian’s voice from the kitchen. Zane hangs up his coat and calls a greeting.
Sebastian appears holding a slice of toast in one hand and a phone in the other. “They just arrived,” he says. “All right, will do.”
He ends the call and shoves the phone into the pocket of his robe. He’s in his pajamas, although it’s clear from the dark smudges under his eyes that he hasn’t slept.
“Hey, Jonathan. Nice suit.”
I look down, realizing for the first time that I’m still in the ridiculous outfit that I wore to the party. “We were… there was an event.”
“I know. Adam filled me in. Come, let me get you some coffee and some breakfast.” He gestures into the kitchen.
I’ve always liked their open plan kitchen, with the breakfast bar and wooden table. There are always freshly cut flowers from the garden, and pot plants on every surface. I feel a kick of longing for Adam. He’d love this space.
“So, did Zane bring you up to speed?” Sebastian asks as he pours coffee.
I slide onto a stool. “He said you’re back with the NHS.”
“Yeah…” Sebastian glances at his husband, who’s hovering at the kitchen entrance with his hands in his pockets. “You remember Doctor Astor, my asshole consultant who wouldn’t help me get another interview for my higher specialty? Well, he called me begging for me to come back. You know the situation must have been dire for him to do that.” He hands me a bright yellow mug filled with coffee just the way I like it. “It’s pretty rough. But what’s the point of being a doctor if I can’t help at times like these?”
“Here.” Zane slides a small bottle to me across the counter. “Hand sanitizer.”
“Yes, please, don’t touch anything that I’ve touched without sanitizing after,” Sebastian says. I think that he’s being sarcastic, but he’s completely serious. I look between them. Zane isn’t hovering because he’s upset with Sebastian. He’s keeping a careful distance. And Sebastian is doing the same with me.
“Anyway,” Sebastian pops some bread into the toaster, “just as well I went back because Astor’s now my biggest fan and he’s agreed to help us.”
Zane breathes a heavy sigh and slides onto the stool next to mine. “That’s great.”
“He wasn’t overly impressed with being woken up at the crack of dawn, but I talked him round. He’ll have the paperwork ready before my shift starts.”
“I wish I could kiss you right now,” Zane says.
I have no appetite, but I manage to eat a slice of toast. Then Zane shows me to the smaller guest room—Sebastian is temporarily in the larger one. After I shower, I lie down. I don’t expect to be able to sleep, but my body gives in to exhaustion almost as soon as my head hits the pillow. When I wake up, the room is filled with the orange light of late afternoon and there’s rain pattering against the window.
I creep through the house. It’s completely silent. Again I feel the sense of unreality descend upon me.
The front door opens and I startle. Zane comes in, folding up his umbrella. “Good, you’re awake. We need to head to the airport. You have a valid passport, right?”
“... the airport?”
“Yeah, it’s all sorted. We’ve got permission to travel—I’m his caregiver if anyone asks.”
I’m still half asleep. I’m going to the US? Now? “What about Sebastian?”
He chuckles. “I don’t think Astor would have agreed to help if it meant losing Sebastian, even for a few days. Besides, he’s South African. He’d need a visa. And he’s also high risk. It’s easier if it’s the two of us.” Zane heads into the master bedroom as he speaks and pulls a suitcase out from under the bed. “We can stay with my brother. You remember him? Charlie?”
I met him last year when he visited Zane.
Zane shoves clothing into the suitcase. “He’s moved into his boyfriend’s place so they’ve got the space.”
“My siblings,” I say suddenly. “Do they even know?”
“Sure. I left a message with Lizzy.” Zane doesn’t hold my brothers and sisters in high regard. I guess because they weren’t really here for Dad after his first seizure. “It’s probably best not to worry them.” He slams his suitcase closed. “Come along, Belle. Let’s go save your old man.”
We fly for eight hours and land three hours after we departed, as if my sense of time wasn’t already nightmarish and distorted. It’s just before 8PM and the air is warm and wet with humidity.
I finally saw Dad when we arrived at the air ambulance. He was unconscious and pale behind an oxygen mask and I wasn’t allowed to get close. The paramedics were tense as we ascended, concerned about what the change in atmospheric pressure would do to his tumor. He had another seizure but they managed to stabilize him.
Now there’s an ambulance waiting to take him to New York-Presbyterian and Zane and I are able to join him as his caregivers. At one point, he looks at me blearily. The paramedic explains that he’s been given strong painkillers to help with his headache. He’s completely out of it.
At the hospital, only one of us is allowed to go inside to facilitate the intake process. I tell Zane he should go. He’s the one who’s been at Dad’s side for the past five months after all. But he must be able to see how desperately I want to. He declines and squeezes my shoulder. “You go on. I’ll give Charlie a call and let him know we’ve landed safely.”
All the admin passes in a blur. I’m plied with sanitizer and asked a million questions about Dad to ensure his charts are up to date. The hospital is all gray and beige and reeks of disinfectant.
I’m not allowed to visit Dad in the ward, but I’m told I may meet with the surgeon in the morning to go over the procedure and what to expect. The administrator’s eyes crinkle over her face mask as she smiles and tells me to go home and get some rest.
There are two Zanes waiting outside. I have a dissociative moment before I realize that one of the Zanes is, in fact his twin.
Charles steps forward and as soon as he moves it’s clear that he’s not like Zane at all. They might have the same face, but he carries himself completely differently, like he wishes he took up less space.
“Jonathan. Good to see you again. Sorry about the circumstances.”
“All okay?” Zane asks.
“Yeah, I need to come back in the morning.”
Charles nods. “All right. Well, car’s this way. I hope you like meatloaf? Elam’s making.”
“At this hour?” I ask, a little stunned. It’s just gone nine.
“At any hour.” I can hear the fond smile behind Charles’s face mask.