Chapter 49
49
ADAM
T he cab rolls up outside a small suburban house. It’s smaller than I expected, gray brick and only sitting a little way back from the street. There’s an equally unassuming Hyundai in the drive. Not the best neighborhood. Not the worst either. It’s a street filled with identical little gray starter homes.
I check the number of the building and tell the cabby to stop. As I get my suitcase out of the back I wonder again if I’m doing the right thing. Should I be here or should I be at home with the children—no, dammit, my children. It’s bad enough they’ve lost Belle, should they really have to lose me too?
I shake myself. The time for indecision has passed. I stride up to the door and knock smartly as the cab pulls away.
The man who answers is pale and skinny with a dark buzz cut and expressive eyebrows. He grins, “Hey. Welcome. I believe we met at a benefit a couple of years ago? I’m Brian.”
I try to return his smile as he steps aside for me to enter. The entrance hall has that rental feel: laminate flooring, stark white walls, no hint of color. “Yes,” I say. “Congratulations on your engagement.”
Brian has his hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans. “Thanks. We would have been married by now but you know what Philip’s folks are like. They wanted a whole big thing. Then, well, the pandemic and— can I get you something to drink? Sorry not used to guests.”
He doesn’t wait for my answer, brushing past down the corridor. I set my suitcase down and follow. I imagine Philip must be at the hospital, but then Brian calls, “Hey, babe, he’s here.”
We enter an open plan kitchen/living room. The living room section is carpeted in gray, with a gray sofa set. Someone tried to brighten it up a bit with some red and orange throw pillows.
The TV flickers to life and I nearly jump out of my skin as Philip’s face appears. “Hey Adam, how was your flight?”
“Uh… it was fine, thank you?”
I look to Brian for an explanation but he’s on his toes looking through a cupboard.
“Are you… at work?” I guess.
Philip shakes his head. “Self-quarantine. I’m in the garage.”
“Otherwise known as the Philip enclosure,” Brian says. “He doesn’t want to risk making me sick. You know, while he’s working in the Covid wards. Which is really sweet but also sucks ass.”
“You’ve been living entirely apart?”
“Living is a strong word for it,” Brian says. Louder, he adds, “You know, other couples are complaining that they’re seeing too much of each other at the moment? I’d really like to try that. See if I could reach the limit of how much one-on-one Philip time I could stand. That would be a great experiment.”
“Possibly better than your sourdough.”
“Don’t mention the S-word!”
Philip laughs on the screen.
“How long has he been in there?” I ask.
Brian runs a hand over his shorn head. “Uh, how long has the pandemic been? I lose track.”
I wave at the screen, wondering where the camera is. Then I spot it on top of the TV and step closer. “I hope you know this is very Big Brother,” I say to Philip.
“Hah. Yeah. I can imagine so. Sorry I’m not there to great you in person.” Up close he looks exhausted, with black smudges underneath his eyes and his hair growing out. I only ever saw him look this tired the night before a final exam he hadn’t studied for.
“I really appreciate this. I know you have a lot going on. I seem to be calling in favor after favor.”
Philip blows out air between his lips. “Come on, Beast. You know I don’t mind. And I want to hear all about this guy who’s got your attention. He must be pretty special.”
My heart constricts. “He is. Hopefully you can meet him when this is all over.”
Brian speaks from behind me. “You can bring him to the wedding.” He’s holding two mugs and he offers me one. It’s bright red like the one throw pillow.
I don’t think Brian’s realized that I didn’t ask for anything to drink. I sniff at what he’s offered though and it seems to be strong, black coffee so I don’t complain.
“I’m so sorry to do this,” Philip says, “but I have shift in a few hours. Do you mind if I grab some shut eye?”
“No, please go ahead.” The last thing I want is to impose on his routine.
He says goodnight to Brian and the screen flickers off. Brian returns to the kitchen. “Would you like something to eat? Please say yes. I’ve got three loaves of fresh sourdough bread and no one to feed them to.”
While we eat our sandwiches, Brian keeps up a constant stream of chatter. He’s been pretty much alone in this part of the house for months, so I’m not surprised. He tells me about his experiments with baking bread, about a game he’s been playing online with his step brother and friends back home, where you have to identify who among you is the killer, and about the wedding plans. Or at least what plans there were before the pandemic. He seems pretty sure Philip’s parents will come round once their son is not putting himself in daily danger.
“It sounds hard, being here all alone,” I say. I know something of loneliness.
“It’s the worst . I’ve been bored out of my mind.” He laughs and waves at the collection of sourdough bread. “You can’t believe how glad I am to have you here. I’m sorry if it’s all a bit much— I can be a bit much anyway and now I’m out of practice. Masking? What’s that? Anyway, Philip didn’t give me any details. Just said it was about a boy?”
I can’t help but smile at the onslaught. I can see why Philip likes Brian. There’s nothing hidden, everything’s on the surface. “Yes. And actually, I have a favor to ask.” Another one. I reach into my pocket for the strip of paper. “It’s perfectly all right if you don’t feel comfortable leaving the house, but I was hoping you could take me to see him. I have the address where he’s staying and it’s not far.”
Brian’s eyes go wide. “Oh, yeah, I could do that. Totally.”
Usually I wouldn’t call on someone this late, but by my calculations Zane and Jonathan just arrived. My stomach twists with nerves. After how we left things, I’m not even sure Jonathan wants to see me. But I need to see him. I need to see if he’s okay.
So I direct Brian to the address I got from Sebastian and, as I do, Brian’s eyebrows pinch. When we draw up outside the house, he’s tensed all over and frowning. It’s a large rectangular house, with a wrap-around porch and a slew of large windows spilling light onto the street. I can see shadows moving behind the windows.
“What did you say your guy’s name was?” Brian asks.
“Jonathan?” I’m not sure what could be causing his concern.
He gets out of the car with me, still frowning and follows me to the door. There’s a bell, but I choose to knock softly instead. Then I doubt myself. Did they hear that? Should I ring? I don’t want to disturb anyone.
I don’t realize I’m holding my breath until the door opens and I release it. There’s a pretty blond man standing there, with high cheekbones and his hair swept into a bun. He lets out a little “oh’ of surprise when he sees me. I know I can be quite imposing. Before I can say anything, Brian says, “Thank fuck.”
The blond’s gaze swings to him. “Brian?” He laughs, astonished. “What in the world are you doing here?”
“I could ask the same. When I saw it was this house I thought that— I thought Adam’s guy was friends with your brothers. It was about to get awkward AF.”
“Adam?” the blond looks to me again. “Oh! You’re Adam? But how? Brian? What?” He giggles. “What is going on?”
Jonathan appears behind him. Maybe he heard my name. His eyes are wide, his face is drawn. Brian is busy explaining my connection to Philip but I only half hear.
“I’d like to talk to Jonathan. If I may?” I know I probably cut Brian off but I don’t care. Jonathan looks so fragile, so broken .
“Oh, of course you may,” the blond says, standing aside.
For one horrible moment I think Jonathan doesn’t want to see me. I don’t move inside, I shouldn’t be here if he doesn’t want me here. But then he strides forward, past Elam and directly into my arms.
He buries his face against me and I just hold him.
“All righty,” Brian says. “I'll just squeeze on past then?” He steps around me.
In the house behind Elam, I see a striking man with a close-cropped dark beard appear. He sees me, startles a little, then steps backwards out of sight. I smile into Jonathan’s hair. “I think we’ll be a minute,” I tell the blond.
“Sure, uh,” he hesitates with the door, then elects to close it gently to give us some privacy.
“I’m still angry,” Jonathan says, voice muffled by my shirt. “But now, I can’t… I need…” His voice breaks and he starts to cry.
I rub his back. “I know. It’s okay. I know.”
I let him cry and he clings to me while he does. We stand there for long minutes and I breathe him in. Jonathan in my arms. Is this the last time?
Eventually, he pulls away. He sniffs and swipes an arm across his eyes. “What are you doing here?”
“If you want me to go I can. I just wanted to check you were all right.”
“Well, as you see, I’m not.”
“No. I… sorry.”
He draws a shaky breath. “The children? What did you tell them?”
I think back to this morning. I decide not to tell him how Ben was crying and how Mal hid away and refused to speak to me when he heard Jonathan had gone. “I told them that you had a family emergency and that I was going to help. They’ll be fine. They have Meredith and Ray. I’d trust those two with my life.”
“I trust them too. It’s just… a lot of change. I wish I had said goodbye before I left.” Big tears slip from his eyes—silver in the moonlight as they roll down his cheeks. I reach out for him and he comes into my arms again and lets me hold him. “It’s okay. They understand. You can call them tomorrow if you like? I’ll page Meredith to set it up.”
He pulls away enough to look up into my face. “Could I? That would be— thank you.”
I cradle his cheek, brushing the tears away with my thumb. “Of course you can. Any time you want to call them you can.”
His lower lip wobbles and he turns his face into my palm. Eventually he pulls back again. “Do you want to come inside? Elam made meatloaf.”
“Only if you want me to.”
He takes my hand from his cheek and squeezes it. “I want you to.”
Inside, I get introduced to everyone. I finally meet Zane, and his twin, Charles. Elam is the blond and the owner of the house.
“Last time I was here I was breaking and entering with Charles,” Brian tells me around a mouthful of meatloaf.
“It’s a long story,” Charles says.
“So, how did you end up living here?” Brian dishes up a second helping of the meatloaf.
Elam looks pleased. “When Antony got out earlier this year, they decided to relocate—got a construction job in Texas. They left in February. And the house was just standing open while we decided what to do with it, so when the pandemic hit we discussed it and decided to move in.”
Charles nods. “Work from home is easier from a house than from a condo.”
“Bad luck starting a construction job in February,” Zane says.
“Right?” Elam grins. “Karma.”
I keep an eye on Jonathan. He doesn’t eat much, mostly pushes his food around his plate, and he doesn’t contribute to the conversation.
“What do you do?” I ask Charles, trying to be polite.
He scratches the back of his neck. “Technically I’m in fintech. Like everyone else these days.”
Elam puts a hand on his shoulder. “He’s being modest. He’s the founder of HedgeMoney.”
“No one has ever heard of HedgeMoney.”
Brian waves his fork. “They’re an investment firm that focuses on social justice. Adam might’ve heard of it. He’s very involved with charity work.”
“Is that the app that only lets you invest in good causes?” I ask.
Elam whoops. “See, I told you.”
Color rises to Charles’s cheeks and he clears his throat. “Technically it’s the investment firm that runs the app, but yes.”
“It’s pretty awesome,” Brian says. “It’s got this algorithm that recommends stocks based on the good that a company is doing in the world. Philip uses it. I would but, you know, not exactly rolling in it at the moment.”
From there the conversation moves to what Brian’s been up to since the coffee shop where he and Elam work has been closed. I hear all about his bread experiments for a second time. Elam, however, is fascinated and before long the two of them are swept up in a conversation about yeast.
“Thanks, by the way,” Zane says softly. He’s seated to my right. “For everything you’ve done for Belle. I know it’s probably costing a fortune.”
It takes me a moment to realize he’s referring to Jonathan’s father and not Jonathan. “I’m happy to help if I can. Did you speak to the surgeon yet?”
It’s Jonathan who answers. “No. Tomorrow morning.”
I squeeze his hand beneath the table.
Zane gets pulled into a conversation about having a husband in medicine during the pandemic and he and Brian swap war stories. I rub my thumb across the back of Jonathan’s hand, trying to give what comfort I can.
After dinner, I offer to help with the dishes, but Elam tells me to, “not be silly.” Zane is less easily dissuaded and follows him into the kitchen.
“You’re welcome to stay over,” Charles says to me. “There’s more than enough room.”
My heart kicks. I look to Jonathan. His eyes are already searching my face. “I… all right, if it won’t be an imposition?” My question is addressed as much to Jonathan as to Charles.
“None at all,” Charles says. Jonathan squeezes my hand.
“You’re also welcome to stay,” Charles tells Brian. But Brian shakes his head and stands.
“Nah, I should get back before Philip gets up. I’d like to see him before he goes on shift. It’s been great though. Really. Really really.”