10. Ben
ben
. . .
E lle pulls me into her arms. This is where I want to be, but also, nothing feels right. I don’t want her pity, which is why I didn’t tell her to begin with. She’s going to try and fix everything, when in reality, she can’t fix any of it. Elle can’t make the cancer go away. She can’t stop my hair falling out. She can’t stop me from puking my guts out due to the chemo.
But she’s going to try, especially if I don’t stop her.
I start to stand, gently pushing her away from me. Deep down, I know she cares about me but right now, having her here is too much. Had I known she planned to come over, I could’ve prepared myself better. I could’ve been on my A-game and when she started asking questions, the wall would’ve been up.
One look at her though, despite how angry and hurt I am over our relationship, and any resolve I had built for the past month slipped away. I love her and I’ll undoubtedly love her until the day I die—even if that’s sooner than I think.
“Where are you going?” she asks.
“I need some space,” I tell her and head back to my office. She follows me, clearly not understanding what space means. When she gets to my office, she closes the door and starts to say something but her phone rings.
“Hello. Yes, that’s right. Yes, it’s a mini tour, US only. Yes, I’ll be with them. Okay, call my office and set it up.” She hangs up and gives me a soft smile. “Sorry about that.”
“No problem,” I say, shrugging. “Work will always come first. I know that now.”
“Ben—”
I hold my hand up. “I get it, Elle. It has taken me a long time to realize where I fit in your life. I’m second on most days, third on the rest.”
“That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it? You put your job way before us. If your sister calls and needs something, you’ll drop whatever you’re doing to be there for her. And then there’s me.”
Elle huffs and wipes away her tears. “Your assessment is off. My job seems as if it comes first because I’m trying to build a career. I don’t want to be a joke in this industry, and I definitely don’t want some unsuspecting teenagers to end up with someone shitty managing them like my uncle Liam did. You have a career, Ben. I’ve never complained when you’ve worked late or had to fly to San Francisco for meetings. I never complained when you were late for dinner or had to cancel because your boss needed something from you at the last minute. You could’ve quit and come to work for me full-time, but you insisted on being separate from me. You want to blame me for failing in our relationship, but there are two of us here. I’m not the only one who didn’t give one hundred percent. I’m sorry, but you don’t get to wake up one day and decide things need to work differently between us. Don’t act like you’re innocent in all of this. We agreed on a timeline for our wedding, and suddenly you want to rush it. As for my sister, you don’t understand the connection and I can’t explain it.”
Elle paces the room, rubbing her arms. Every so often she looks at me, waiting for me to say something. I’d like to, but I have no idea where to even start. She’s not wrong, but she’s also not right, either.
“Did you know you had cancer back in December or sense something was wrong? Were you sick then?” she asks.
“What kind of question is that?”
“The kind that makes sense on why you suddenly wanted to set a date. Did you know?”
I shake my head slowly. “I didn’t know until two weeks ago. I was in the shower and felt the lump. I called my doctor the next day and it took them two weeks to get me in. He suspected it was cancer and sent me for a bunch of tests.”
Elle leans against the wall. There’s a loud crash in the other room and she stands tall, pointing toward the door. “They have to go.”
“You want me to kick my family out while I’m battling cancer?”
“No, but they can’t stay here. They’re trashing our house.”
“They’re my family,” I point out.
“Since when? You’ve spent most of your life living as if my parents are your family.”
“Things change.”
Elle rubs her temples in frustration. “Look, Ben. I know you’re going through the unthinkable, but since when do you depend on your mother for anything? Brad, I understand because he’s your brother. But your mom? For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve kept her at arm’s length.”
“So, now when I need her, I should push her away?”
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“Then what are you saying?”
“You didn’t invite her. She didn’t know prior to getting here about you having cancer. Her arrival is suspect.”
“Well, she’s here.”
Elle sighs. She opens the door and heads down the hall. It takes me a moment to realize what she’s doing, and I chase after her.
“Don’t, Elle.”
“Don’t, what?” She spins so fast, her hair whips around.
I say nothing because I know she’s going to speak to my mom whether I want her to or not. This is Elle’s house, and she could kick us all out, although I suspect she wouldn’t do that to me.
“Why are you here?” she asks my mom.
“My Benny needs me.”
Elle scoffs. “Why. Are. You. Here?” Every word is enunciated.
My mother looks from me to Elle and to Brad, who focuses on the television. Oddly enough, he’s still in his underwear, and as I look around, I can definitely understand why Elle is upset with them being here. They’re acting like pigs because they expect Elle to pay for a housekeeper.
“Why, Brenda?” Elle asks again. “Of all the years we’ve lived in this house, you’ve never come to visit. So why now? Why did you randomly show up here?”
Mom looks sheepish and I know I should step in, but now I’m curious as well. I don’t know why I didn’t press her about her arrival earlier. I guess I was too concerned about what I’m going through to think anything of it.
“I lost the house,” she mutters quietly.
“And you thought you’d show up and just—what—freeload?” Elle gives me a pointed look and then heads back down the hall.
“She needs to get off her high horse,” Mom says. “This is your house too. Little Miss Money acting all high and mighty because her daddy is rich. She should be thanking me for being here since she can’t be bothered.”
“I broke up with her, Mom. Not the other way around.”
“Shouldn’t matter. She has the money to take care of you and what’s she doing, running back to wherever she came from.”
“She’s not running. She has to work.”
“Oh, please. She doesn’t work. Her daddy does everything for her.”
I look down the hall when I hear things slamming. Elle’s pissed which doesn’t bode well for anyone. I glance back at my brother, the living room, and the mess he and mom have created. “Clean this up,” I tell them. “You may want to live like shit, but I don’t. And put some fucking shorts on, Bradley. People sit on the couch, and they don’t need to sit in filth.”
Before I can make it down the hall to see what Elle’s doing, she comes storming toward me with a suitcase dragging behind her. She doesn’t say anything to me as she passes by. I follow her outside and take her suitcase before she drags it down the stairs.
“How much of that did you hear?”
“All of it,” she says without making eye contact.
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re not, so don’t even say you are. You didn’t defend me, so clearly you think I just live off my dad’s money. Which means you do too.”
Once the liftgate on her SUV is open, I set her bag in there. “She’s always been this way.”
“Yep,” Elle says. She presses the fob, and the back closes. “And yet, you’ve never put up with it until now. I get it. I’m the bad guy.” She shakes her head and turns away from me so I can’t see her tears. “Can you send me the date of your surgery so I can be there?”
“I’ll be fine, Elle.”
“Right.” She gets into her car and starts it up. I wait for her to roll down the window, but she doesn’t. She pulls away and I stand there, watching her drive down the road. I have a feeling this is the last time I’m ever going to see her.