11. Elle
elle
. . .
T he drive to my parent’s house takes longer than normal. I have to pull over a couple of times when my emotions get the better of me, and my eyes become too blurry to drive. I keep imagining Ben living a healthy life after this battle, but as soon as I see him happy and smiling, the vision changes and I see me standing next to his hospital bed, begging him to hold on. I can’t lose him, and yet I already have, and I don’t know what to do to get him back. He seems resigned on ending us, and it's not going to matter what I want or what I have to say.
I didn’t call my parents to let them know I’m coming out, so I’m not shocked they’re not home. I use my key and go into the condo, and head to what used to be mine and Peyton’s room. It’s now Oliver’s room and smells like baby. I pick up his teddy bear and hold it to my nose, inhaling deeply. I let the tears flow as I hold the bear to me.
“Life isn’t supposed to be this way.” I sob. “Haven’t I been through enough?”
I sit down in the rocker my parents have in Oliver’s room and curl up. I don’t remember my grandma, because she died of cancer when I was three or four. Then my father died, and I almost lost my soul when Peyton was in the car crash. Had I lost her, I don’t know how I’d survive. She’s part of me.
Ben, though.
I love him and can’t imagine my world without him whether he wants to be my lover or my friend. I know that healing from a breakup takes time, but it doesn’t seem like we have time to heal. Not with him being sick.
“Fucking cancer,” I say to Oliver’s wall decorations. “How can he have fucking cancer?”
God, I want to throw shit. I want to beat my hands against the wall, against the windows. I want to watch glass shatter and feel it rip my skin. I welcome the pain because then I’ll know if I’m feeling or just being present. Ben thinks I’m emotionally stinted. He’s probably right. I like to keep my feelings locked because feelings get exploited. People use your feelings against you in my industry. They call you weak if you show too much emotion. I need to be strong, resilient, and show every person who doubts me that I can make it on my own, without the help of my dad.
Ben doesn’t need to see this side of me.
Another wave of fresh tears fall, and I do nothing to stop them. Eventually, I’ll run out and there’ll be nothing left. I want to be there for Ben, but he doesn’t want me.
He doesn’t want me.
He didn’t ask me to stay. To help him. To be by his side. To hold his hand. To be there when he wakes up from surgery.
He says he’ll be fine.
Fine.
He doesn’t love me anymore.
The front door slams. I wipe the tears away and put Oliver’s teddy bear where I found it. My parents will know something’s wrong as soon as they see me, and I’m not prepared to tell them.
I run into Quinn coming down the hall and all I see is red. I rush toward him, place both hands on his chest and push him backward.
“Whoa, what the hell?”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I hit him again, this time with my closed fist. “Why couldn’t you just be my brother for once and tell me that Ben was sick.?”
He grabs my wrists and holds them away from his body. I squirm, trying to get out of his grip, but there’s no use.
“Calm down, Elle.”
“Screw you, Quinn.”
He directs me toward the hall and pushes me away. “When you’re an adult, we’ll talk. Until then, go have your pity party in the guest bedroom.”
“Oh, the high and mighty Quinn, bossing everyone around.”
He stares at me for a moment and then shakes his head. “You’re your own worst enemy, sometimes. I don’t get it, Elle.”
“Ben’s sick and you kept it from me. If anything happens?—”
“You’ll what? Blame me? How in the hell is any of this my fault? Yes, Ben’s sick. He chose not to tell you. That was his choice. Not mine, and certainly not yours.”
“You don’t get it.” I walk toward him, leaving the confines of the hall.
“No, I do, Elle. You’re used to everyone bowing down to you. You’re the princess. You get what you want. Believe me, Elle. I know because I grew up with you.” He stops and shakes his head. “When are you going to grow up and realize this isn’t about you. It’s about Ben. That’s it. No one else. Not me. Not you. Not his brother. Ben needs to be the priority.”
“Hey,” our dad’s voice booms from the doorway. “What in the hell is going on in here?” He comes into the living room with our mom behind him. She has the look of horror in her eyes as she holds Oliver on her hip. He smiles when he sees me and as much as I want to go to him, I can’t right now.
“Elle, why are you crying?” Mom asks.
Neither Quinn nor I say anything.
“Someone better start talking right now.”
“Ben’s sick,” I tell them. “He’s got cancer.”
“What?” Mom screeches.
“Tell them all of it, Elle. Stop lying to them,” Quinn spits out.
“What’s Quinn talking about, Elle?” Dad asks.
“Ben ended things the night before we met in Vermont for Christmas because I wouldn’t set a wedding date.”
“Wait, what? I think I need to sit down for this. I’m going to go put Oliver down for a nap.” Mom passes by me, and I give Oliver a kiss on the cheek. I want to hold him, love on him, but right now he’d be an escape from my problems.
“Why were the two of you fighting?” Dad asks.
I eye Quinn, who stares back. “I pushed him and then hit him because of Ben.”
“Explain,” Dad demands.
“I knew about Ben, but he swore me to secrecy.”
I look from my dad to Quinn and shake my head. Dad is going to agree with Quinn, and I don’t want to hear it. I head toward the slider and don’t stop when Dad asks me where I’m going. “I need to be alone.”
I’m thankful my parents live on a private beach. It keeps people from loitering or using it as their own space. I get as close to the surf as I can and sit down. There are a group of surfers out there, waiting for the right wave to come in. I watch them for a minute or so, until my mind drifts off to memories Ben and I have shared over the years. From the time we first met, to becoming best friends, to prom, graduation, and moving to California. He’s been my constant companion for as long as I can remember.
My parents sit down beside me, and more tears fall. They wrap me in their love and hold me while I cry. I tell them about the fight Ben and I had before Christmas and how I’ve lied about us being together because I didn’t want to believe things were over between us. They let me tell my story, without interruption, and when I get to the part about Ben being sick, my mom cries.
“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry,” Mom says as she comforts me.
“He’s afraid I want to be like you guys and never get married.” I look at my parents. “Like, what’s wrong with the way our family works?”
“A lot of people don’t understand why your mom and I haven’t gotten married. This works for us. We’re committed. We don’t need a piece of paper to tell us what we already know. Besides, you don’t see anyone hounding Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. They’ve been together for a millennium, and it works for them. However, it’s not going to work for everyone. I can see why Ben wants to get married.”
“You can?”
“Sure, honey. He didn’t have a father growing up, and to him it shows stability within the family.”
“That makes no sense, Dad. You didn’t have a father growing up and you’re not married. And Mom . . .” I glance at my mom, and she gives me a slight head shake. We don’t talk about her family. They’re different and chose not to be around when Peyton and I were growing up. Mostly, they didn’t like my father, and when he died, my grandmother thought she could come around and be a part of our lives and my mom told her to take a hike. In the time Peyton and I grew up in Beaumont, the Cohens were rarely around. They showed up for a few birthdays or Christmases, but that’s it. We have our grandpa and our grandma Bess. And sometimes, we have Bianca.
“I love Ben. I truly love him with my whole heart. I know that Peyton and Noah have something deeper, stronger, but that doesn’t mean Ben and I aren’t right for each other.
“You can’t compare your relationship with Ben to Noah and Peyton’s,” Mom says. “They were destined to be with each other. I sensed it when I was pregnant with you both. She responded to his voice all the time.”
“They’re so perfect, it’s hard not to compare.”
“They’re not as perfect as you think,” Dad says. “They struggle, just like your mom and I do.”
My eyes go wide at my dad’s statement. “Bullshit!”
“Don’t cuss, Elle,” Mom chastises me. “And your dad is right. No one has a perfect marriage. Your dad and I don’t always see eye-to-eye on things, and sure we argue, but at the end of the day, we love each other and find a way to compromise.”
“I’ve tried with Ben, but he doesn’t understand that I want you to walk me down the aisle,” I say as I look at my dad. “That’s important to me, and right now, our schedules don’t match up. I told Ben we can pick a date, something attainable. He came back with “right away”, back in December, and I told him no. And he wants kids. I do too, but . . .” I trail off. We want the same things; our timing is just off.
“Honey, Ben’s feelings are valid,” Mom says. “But so are yours. I know how important it is to have your dad walk you down the aisle.”
“I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to see him hurting like this, whether we’re together or not.”
“I know, sweetie.” Mom rests her head on my shoulder. “We’ll do everything we can to help him.”
Help him.
I maneuver so I’m looking at my parents. “I can help him. I can make sure he has the best doctors in California. The best care available. I’ll hire the best in home nurses, make sure he has whatever he needs. I’ll do that for him.” I start to get excited by my plan, but my parents don’t react like I thought they would.
“What if Ben just needs you to be by his side? To be there when he wakes up from surgery?” Mom asks. “Sure, you can afford the best of everything, but sometimes what someone needs is the one they love the most.”
“Mom’s right, kiddo.
“Well, then . . .” I stare at the water, feeling helpless and frantically thinking of ways I can be there for Ben. A thought hits me and I throw my hands up in the air as a plan takes shape. “Dad, I need your help.”
“With?”
“My new group, Plum. They’re invited on a twenty-stop tour with Loving Light. US only. Would you be willing to go with them? I want to be there for Ben, and if I go on tour, I’m going to be a mess and won’t be able to focus on the girls.”
He looks at my mom and asks, “Are you okay with Oliver for a couple of weeks?”
Mom nods. “I have a feeling we’ll be busy, making sure Ben is well taken care of.”
“Does that mean you’ll do it?”
Dad nods and I launch myself into his arms. “Thank you, Daddy.”
“One condition,” he says when I release him. He stands, helps my mom, and then me. We brush as much sand off us as we can.
“What’s that?”
“Apologize to your brother. I’ve never seen you at odds like that with him. Ben is his friend too and Quinn kept his friend’s confidence. You would’ve done the same thing.”
“You’re right. I’ll talk to Quinn.”
Dad puts his arm around me and the three of us walk back into the house. Quinn’s on the couch, playing with Oliver.
“I thought I put him down for a nap?” Mom asks as she enters the room.
“Uh . . . he fussed,” Quinn says sheepishly. I think everyone in the room knows this isn’t true.
I sit down next to Quinn and rest my head just below his collarbone. When Peyton and I were younger, we’d each take a side, and the three of us would lie on the floor to watch movies. Quinn was, and will always be, our built-in pillow.
“I’m sorry for earlier,” I say but realize I need to look at him. I sit up and meet my brother’s gaze. “What I said and did, please know I didn’t mean it. I’m frustrated and sad, and very, very scared.”
“I meant what I said, Elle.” His words shock me. “You need to grow up. If you’re going to be there for Ben, be there fully. Don’t half ass it and then get pissed when he tells you he doesn’t want you around. If you love him, show him. Don’t just throw money at someone because you think it’s going to help. Be there for Ben.”
“I’m going to,” I tell my brother.
“How?”
“Well, regardless of what you think, I’m going to make sure his doctor is the best, because I love Ben and I don’t want him to be in the hands of someone who doesn’t know what the hell they’re doing. I get that you may think I’m throwing money at the problem, but you’d do the same thing for Nola.
“Dad’s going to go on tour with Plum so I can stay with Ben. I’m going to call Uncle Liam and ask him to help out in the office, and I’m hoping my brother can pick up some of my slack.”
Quinn looks at Oliver and says, “I don’t know, Ollie. Are you up for the job? Those musicians can be divas.”
Oliver coos.
“Oliver thinks you should help out.”
Quinn shrugs. “If Ollie says yes, then I’m in.”
I hug Quinn and apologize again for what I did. After checking in with my parents, I tell my dad I’ll send him all the info on Plum’s tour and set up a time tomorrow for them to meet. Mom gives me a hug and tells me she’ll be over to see Ben in the next day or two. I don’t bother to tell her or my dad that Ben’s mom and brother are at the house. I’m hoping to rectify that situation before Mom shows up.