17. Elle
elle
. . .
I n the morning, while Ben waits for his discharge papers, his oncologist comes in and discusses moving his treatment to Beaumont. It’s not ideal, but Ben wants to be there, and frankly, so do I. I like the idea of being where no one cares who I am, or who my parents are. Where we can walk the streets, go to the park, and eat out without someone shoving a camera in our faces or asking about my family. The people in Beaumont are different. They don’t care about the fact Liam Page lives there or that they’ll find him drinking coffee in Whimsicality. To them, he’s Liam Westbury, local teen hero turned family man. He’s the one they count on to volunteer or organize a fundraiser for a family in need.
“Here’s what we can do,” Dr. Dowling says. “I’ll fly out to Beaumont every third week for a checkup, and we’ll run your scans at that time, check your progress, everything you would’ve done here. I’ll conference with the staff at Beaumont General and let them know what we’re doing with our aggressive treatment plan. I’ll also make sure they have my cell phone number for any emergencies. Any changes to your treatment will have to be approved by me as well.”
“Thank you, Dr. Dowling” Ben says. “I know this is a big inconvenience for you, but I need to get out of town, and away from this place.”
“I wish I could say I understand, but I don’t,” he says as he stands and shakes his head. “I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.”
I give Ben a reassuring squeeze on his shoulder and when the door closes, he looks at me. “Am I making a mistake?”
“I don’t believe so, but if we get to Beaumont and it’s not working, we’ll come back. It’s as easy as that. Besides, this will work. I think you’ll be happier, and we have friends there.”
“I don’t want to hang out with anyone outside of our family.” He meets my gaze and I smile at him softly. I love that he’s finally saying “our” family instead of “your” family. I’ve told him repeatedly, throughout so many years, my family is his. My parents have said it as well. It’s time he starts recognizing this.
It takes the nursing staff a couple of hours to get Ben’s discharge papers ready to go. Of course, he has to have a couple more tests, and we have to wait for the lab to read the results before the nurses even begin to start the process.
“Did you call your grandpa?”
“I did. He’s excited for us to come visit.”
“I still can’t believe he lives in that big house by himself.”
“I know. I thought for sure he would’ve moved to be near us or at least moved to a condo. Mom has offered many times, but he always says no. I worry about him being alone.”
“Doesn’t Josie check on him every day?”
I nod. “Or Liam. Mom says Mack has been going over, mowing the lawn, and helping Liam with maintenance on the house.”
“Mack, really?” Ben looks confused and it dawns on me that he has no idea about Nick and Aubrey. My hand hits my forehead and I feel my eyes go wide.
“I forgot to tell you!” I sit down at the end of his bed, and Ben moves into a cross-legged position. “So, Mack shows up at Christmas, which is when we find out that Nick and Aubrey are getting divorced and she’s going back to South Africa. She took Amelie with her and Mack was supposed to stay in Beaumont with Nick. Except, Nick went to Cape Town to make sure Aubrey found a place in a safe neighborhood and hasn’t come back yet. Believe me, it was a total shocker when Mack walked in.”
“Wow, I guess I missed a lot at Christmas.”
“Eh, you missed drama, which I guess you get with any big family function.”
“I missed meeting Oliver.”
I nod. “Yeah, but we can arrange a meeting when your chemo treatments are done.”
“You know, I never opened the presents you left at the house.”
“Where are they?”
“In the closet in the downstairs basement.”
“Where Brad’s sleeping?”
Ben nods and his eyes widen. I have a feeling he’s thinking the same thing I am. They’ve become Brad’s presents. Brad isn’t a bad guy, he’s just a guy who can’t help himself sometimes.
“Wanna take a wager on if they’re still there or not?” I joke.
Ben shakes his head. “Nope. I forgot all about them until now, but I should probably thank your parents for whatever they bought me.”
“Mom knows you’re thankful, Ben.”
“Still.”
I nod and smile softly. I don’t want to argue with him.
Finally, the nurse returns with Ben’s discharge papers. She reminds him to call or come in if his fever spikes or if he’s feeling any soreness in his arm, where his port is.
In the car, Ben stares out the window. We’re in traffic and moving at a snail’s pace. “What’s on your mind?”
“I feel bad.”
“About?”
“About asking you to take me to Beaumont after I fought with you about my care. Surely, this is the place to be.”
I reach across the console to hold his hand. “If Beaumont is where you need to be to heal, so be it. I talked to my dad, he’ll make sure the jet is available to fly the doctor in and out, and I’m confident the staff at Beaumont General can handle your case.”
“But they’re not the best.”
“No, they’re not, but we can bring the best to you. I’m not going to let anything happen to you, Ben.”
When we get home, I follow Ben into the house. When he gets to the top of the stairs that lead to the main floor of our home, he pauses. I sidestep around him and do the same thing. Our once spotless house is a complete and utter pigsty and there’s a woman straddling Brad.
“What in the fuck is going on?” Ben barks out. The woman startles, launches herself off Brad’s lap and tries to cover her chest before Ben and I get an eyeful. I feel bad for her. I bet she has no idea this isn’t Brad’s house.
“You’re back early,” Brad says meekly.
“We sit on that couch, Brad.”
He looks at the leather and shrugs. “It’s not like you and Elle don’t do shit on it.”
“It’s our Goddamn couch. We can do whatever the hell we want on it!” Ben replies tersely.
“What’s all this yelling?” Brenda asks as she comes up the stairs behind us. She doesn’t greet Ben or ask how he’s doing. She didn’t even come see him at the hospital even though Quinn offered to give her a ride when he picked up my car. The dramatic shit she pulled the night before was just for show.
“This . . .” Ben spreads his arms out. “Are you guys kidding me with this shit?”
“What?” Brenda asks as she shrugs. “It’s not like you don’t have a housekeeper.”
“That’s not how it works, Mom!” Ben pushes his hand over the hat he’s wearing. He’s taken to wearing one since he starting chemo in preparation for his falling out.
“Well, why not? Why shouldn’t we live in the lap of luxury? Why should we have to clean up and do housework when she can afford to pay for someone else to do it?” Brenda crosses her arms over her chest and waits for Ben to answer her. As much as I want to say something, I don’t. I can’t. It’s not my fight. Ben needs his family and I’ll bite my tongue to keep the peace.
“You’re right,” he says, looking at me.
“I am?” I ask and he nods.
He turns to his mom and shakes his head. “I want you gone. You too, Brad. You’re stressing me out and I don’t need the stress. I’m fucking sick and you think it’s okay to live like pigs.”
“Ben, you don’t mean that. It’s Elle putting thoughts into your head.”
I scoff but say nothing.
“No, it’s me realizing Elle’s been right the entire time. You’re so obsessed with her money and status you’re willing to use me to get to her. I don’t want you here. I want you both gone, now.”
“Benjamin—”
“Stop!” He holds his hand up to interrupt his mom. “Go to Brad’s. He has a place and a job, unless the bank has foreclosed on it, and if they have, don’t come running back to me. I can’t deal with your shit when I’m trying to deal with my own.”
Ben takes my hand and leads us down the hall to our bedroom. He closes the door after I step in and locks it.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” he says. “I thought with me having cancer, she’d actually step up and be a mother instead of whatever the hell she is.”
“I know. But I’m still sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with this. Not now. Not ever.”
Ben smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “We should pack.”
We go into the closet, but I continue to the bathroom and bring the stool from my vanity back with me so Ben can sit when he needs to rest. I’m thankful I made the decision to move back in. I think Ben was happy as well . . . at least until all my clothes came back.
Ben sleeps the entire way to Beaumont and startles when the plane touches down. He looks out the window and smirks. “It’s like night and day compared to where we live. Where are all the planes? The lights? The noise?”
“We left it all behind.”
“Yeah,” he says as he sighs. When the plane stops, we unbuckle, and I help him stand. He’s tired. I thought the blood transfusion and antibiotics would give him some energy, but they haven’t. He’s only two weeks into his chemo and he’s exhausted all the time. I honestly didn’t expect it to be like this.
The door opens and before we even take a step, Liam is on the plane, walking toward us. I want to jump into his arms and ask him to take away my pain, but he’s not here for me. He’s here for Ben.
“Hey,” he says when he sees us. “We’re glad you’re here.”
“Us too. Thank you for coming to get us,” I say as we hug. “I really appreciate it.”
“Hey, Ben.”
“Hey, Liam. Did you roll the red carpet out?” Ben and Liam laugh.
“I thought about it. You guys haven’t been back since Peyton and Noah’s wedding. We’ve missed you around here.” Liam points down the aisle. “Let’s get you off the plane. Josie’s in the car, waiting,”
I go first with Ben in the middle and Liam bringing up the rear. I can see it in Liam’s eyes, he wants to assist Ben, but he also doesn’t want to emasculate him either. It’s hard to help without making someone feel weaker than they are.
Outside, Josie stands next to their SUV while someone from the airport loads our luggage into the back of their car. Tomorrow, after things have settled down, I’ll rent a car. My grandpa will tell me to use his, but I don’t want to leave him without one.
I hug my aunt and cry into her shoulder. She squeezes me tightly and tells me everything is going to be okay. “We’re not going to let anything happen to him.”
“I’m so scared.”
“You’ve got us to lean on. Come on, your grandpa is waiting for you.”
The thought of seeing my grandpa brings a smile to my face. Josie insists that Ben sit in the front. She climbs into the back with me. Liam drives us through town and down Main Street. I have to do a double take when I see all the changes our little town has gone through.
“Did someone buy the buildings around Whimsicality?” I ask my aunt.
“Yep, someone did,” Liam says. I glance at the rearview mirror and see him smiling. “We bought it and have slowly been renovating. We rent out the spaces to others, giving them a chance to follow their dream of owning a business, but without the maintenance. I opened a recording studio on the second floor. There’s also a dentist office, a dance studio, and a photography studio. We renovated one space into an apartment.”
“How come you didn’t tell us this at Christmas?”
“Your parents know,” Josie says. “You’ll have to ask your mom why she didn’t tell you.”
“Wow. I can’t believe she’s keeping these secrets. Wait, we have a bookstore now?”
Liam laughs. “Beaumont’s growing. We even have a Dunkin’. That one we fought because of Whimsicality, but we haven’t seen a decline in business. The true Beaumonters prefer our coffee, while the transplants take the other stuff.”
“I guess the secret’s out,” Ben says. “We all knew this place was magic.”
After we pull into my grandpa’s driveway, I lean forward and look out the window. I expect to see him on the porch, rocking in the swing, but it doesn’t even look like he’s home.
“Uncle Liam,” I say after we both get out of the car. “I want to thank you and Mack for helping my grandpa. I know he’s not your responsibility. I’ve tried to convince him to move to California. If you want, we can hire people to take care of things. I already changed the housekeeper to be here every day while we’re here.”
Liam puts his hands on my shoulders. “Elle, you never ever have to thank me for taking care of Michael. He’s like a father to me. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him.”
I nod my thanks and then wrap my arms around his waist. After I release him, he rushes over to the passenger side and makes sure Ben has an easy time getting out of the car. Josie leads the way up the walkway and the stairs and waits for us to join her before opening the door. She holds the screen while I go in.
“Well, it’s about time you got here,” Peyton says as she walks toward us with Oliver on her hip.
“What are you guys doing here?” I take the baby from her and give him kisses. Peyton doesn’t answer me as she goes to Ben and gives him a hug.
“Ben?” I get his attention and then look at Oliver. “This is Oliver.” Ben comes forward and waves. “Oliver, this is your Uncle Ben. Can you say Ben?” Oliver squeals.
“He’s a happy baby,” Ben says.
“Very happy.”
“Is Mom here?” I ask Peyton.
“Yep, but she’s at the store. Noah’s with Mack and Betty Paige. We didn’t want to overwhelm Ben.”
“Where’s Grandpa?
“With Mom.”
“Do you think you could hang with Ben for a bit? He’s good on meds and all that. He doesn’t need any help or anything. He just needs to rest.”
“Where are you going?”
“I need to go visit our father and I want to do it now before everyone gets here.”
Peyton nods and takes Oliver from me. I tell Ben where I’m going and how long I’ll be. He settles himself on the couch and Liam sits down next to him. They start talking about baseball and I know that’s my cue to duck out. Peyton gives me the keys to her car, and I drive a bit faster than I should to the cemetery. I haven’t been here in so long, the guilt weighs heavily on me.
It's weird, knowing exactly where my father is buried. I don’t know when I memorized the route to this gravesite, but at some point, driving to it became natural. I hate that feeling. None of this should ever be natural. But then again, if it wasn’t, we wouldn’t have Harrison, and I can’t imagine our lives without him.
I sit down and stare at the tombstone. The lettering—it’s faded or worn. I’m not sure how to describe what it looks like, except to say it’s old. Old because my father has been gone for over twenty years, and the only memories I have of him are the stories I’ve been told over the years. When I close my eyes, I can’t remember what he looks like or what it felt like when he would hold me. I can’t see his smile or hear his laugh. I don’t know why I’m here, other than I know I need to be.
I run my fingers over his name. The tombstone is rough. No longer the smooth feel it had when I was younger. I wonder if this is something Peyton and I need to take care of, if the stone needs to be polished or something.
“Hey, Dad,” I say to the air. “I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to visit. Life’s been crazy since the last time I was here, but I guess you already know that. My Ben’s sick, Dad, and I’m scared. I know I have to trust science, but sometimes science fails, and I’m just so scared it’s going to fail. Thinking this way is so unlike me. I always tell people to put a positive spin on things, but I’m having trouble following my own advice.”
A family arrives and makes their way toward their loved one’s resting place. I watch them for a minute before turning my attention back to my dad. “Dad, you have to promise me, if you meet Ben, take care of him. I love him more than anything and as much as I’d love for you to know each other, I’m not ready. But in case it’s his time, please look after him and love him because he deserves it.” I spend a few more minutes sitting by my father’s grave, contemplating the two paths I have in front of me. One with Ben, and one without. I know in my heart my father, wherever he may be, will take Ben under his wing if it turns out the path I fear most is the one that wins out, but I also hope and pray it won’t happen for a long time yet.
When I get back to my grandpa’s everyone is there. I hug my mom before making my way to my grandpa. We hold each for a long time. He’s old and losing weight. I can feel his bones and he doesn’t walk, he shuffles his feet. I’m not ready for any of this. I’m not ready to lose my grandpa, my grandma Bess, or my Ben. Whoever is doing this shit to me needs to stop.