18. Ben
ben
. . .
T he next morning, I wake to the smell of French toast and a lot of laughter. Elle’s side of the bed is cold, and I try to think back to what time she came to bed. When I finally succumbed to my tiredness, she was on the couch with her sister. They were wrapped in each other’s arms and watching some movie they claimed made their eyes sweat. Elle offered to come with me, but I told her I’d be okay. Honestly, I’m feeling okay, which only reminds me I’ll feel like shit again soon when chemo restarts in a few days. I understand the aggressive approach, but it fucking sucks, and I hate that it’s just started. I’m not even close to finishing my first round. Two weeks down and more to go. More infections. More blood transfusions. More hospital stays. More of everything I don’t want.
When I get downstairs, I head into the kitchen to find everyone sitting around the table. Well, mostly everyone. Noah stands behind Peyton, Quinn stands behind Katelyn, and Liam stands behind Josie. Elle’s holding Oliver, although he’s sitting on the table, and Michael’s trying to entice him to crawl over to him. This is my family. As much as I love my mom and brother, the people surrounding this table are the ones who care for me, day in and day out. They always include me in everything. Not as an afterthought, but as a member of their lives.
“Hey, good morning.” Elle sits up a little straighter and smiles when she sees me in the doorway. I make my way toward the table and Katelyn stands.
“Sit here. I’ll get you some breakfast. Are you hungry?” Katelyn asks.
“I am, actually.” It’s been a while since I had hunger pangs. Mostly, Elle forces me to eat something. It must be the strong scent of cinnamon or something. Ever since I started chemo, my senses have misfired. Not necessarily a bad thing since Quinn is currently waving his hand in front of his face and Elle’s trying to pawn the baby off on him.
“Nope,” Quinn says. “I’m not doing it.”
“You need to get ready for when Nola has a baby.”
“I’ll hire a nanny,” he says as he backs away. Peyton stands and takes the baby, but Noah’s turning green. He wants no part of the soiled diaper either. I’d volunteer, but no. When Peyton passes me, I reach out and touch Oliver’s chubby cheek. He gives me a smile. He’s the luckiest baby in the world to end up with the Jameses.
Katelyn sets a plate down in the spot she vacated and tells me to come over. Elle slides into Peyton’s empty seat to sit next to me. “How are you this morning?”
“Actually, I feel almost normal, minus the port sticking out of my bicep.”
“Your cheeks are pink. This is a good sign. Do you have a fever?”
I shake my head. “Nope.” I add maple syrup to my breakfast and look at the jar before I set it down. “This doesn’t look store bought.”
“It’s not,” Elle says. “We picked it up while in Vermont. It’s from a cute little place called Bennett’s Tree Farm.”
“It’s cute. I like the covered bridge on the bottle.”
“How did you sleep, Ben?” Michael asks. “Is the room okay?”
“It’s perfect. I must’ve crashed hard. I don’t remember you coming to bed,” I say to Elle.
“That’s because the twins fell asleep on the couch,” Katelyn says. “When I woke, they were snuggled together and sound asleep. I don’t know how long I stood there and just watched them but seeing them like that brought back so many memories from when they were little.”
“I’m sorry for not coming up,” Elle says. She rests her hand on my leg under the table.
“It’s okay. I hope you slept well.”
She tilts her head back and forth. “Neck hurts and Peyton snores.”
“I do not,” she says loudly as she comes back into the room with Oliver. He squeals and says “mama” when he sees Katelyn. Her face lights up as if that’s the best sound she’s ever heard. If anyone is ever meant to be a mother, it’s Katelyn.
“We gotta run. I need to go back to Whimsicality.” Josie stands. “We’ll see you all for dinner.” She and Liam say their goodbyes and head out the door, and then Katelyn takes Oliver from Peyton to put him down for his morning nap. Michael says he needs one too. I know I just woke up, but a nap sounds good, especially outside on the back deck where the porch swing is. This is one of the reasons I wanted to be here instead of in Malibu. While I love where I live, there’s something about the comfort of a home that’s filled with love. Michael’s house is like this. It’s where I grew up and I love it here.
As soon as Katelyn and Michael are out of the room, Quinn and Noah sit down. I take a few more bites before my stomach starts to protest, but I don’t push my plate away. I don’t want to alarm Elle and doing so will have her asking if I’m okay. The truth is, I won’t be okay for a long time.
“Ben, what are you doing today?” Quinn asks.
“Oh, let me see,” I open the calendar app on my phone and stare at the day. It’s blank. I’m sure they know this, but where’s the fun in giving them the answer right away. “Let’s see, boys. It looks like at ten I’m scheduled for a massage and at noon, pedicure. Depending on what you want to do, I may be able to squeeze you in between two and four. Not sure what time Elle wants to have dinner.” I set my phone back onto the table and glance at my friends. Their expressions are stoic.
Quinn throws a napkin at me and laughs. “Glad to see you haven’t lost your sense of humor.”
“Nope, only my balls.”
Everyone looks at me and then away. There’s an awkward silence as no one knows what to say and I hate it. I want them to laugh. I want them to tease me when I give them an opening.
Finally, Noah starts to grin. “No Balls Ben!”
Quinn snorts, Elle coughs, and Peyton busts out laughing. “Oh, God. I am so sorry. I shouldn’t laugh.”
“But it’s fucking funny, and if I don’t laugh, I’m going to go insane,” I say to my friends. “I think for me to get through this, I need to be able to joke about it. Deep down, I know it’s not funny, but I need the laughter.”
Elle takes my hand in hers. “We’ll do our best.”
“Well, the reason I asked is because Noah and I want to take you someplace,” Quinn says. “So, if you’re up for a little guy trip, we’ll leave in about ten minutes?”
Part of me feels like I need to ask Elle, but her squeezing my hand is all the reassurance I need. “Yep, give me a few minutes and I’ll be ready.”
Elle follows me upstairs and starts to strip the bed while I get dressed. I put my clothes in the pile she’s created and get dressed. “Do you need me to do the laundry?” I ask her.
“Nope. Go have fun with Noah and Quinn. Just promise me, nothing dangerous or stupid. I love my brother and Noah, but they’re dumb boys sometimes and I have no idea what they’re planning.”
“I promise.” I take a step toward her and then stop. In my mind I was going to kiss her, like I would’ve done any other time, but our dynamic has changed and we’re not there, at least not yet. We’re friends and I don’t know what I’d do without her. However, the problems we had before are still there, festering under the surface. They didn’t magically go away because I have cancer and she’s sticking by my side. I give her a smile and grab my sweatshirt before she reminds me I need one.
Downstairs Noah and Quinn wait for me in the living room. They give Michael a kiss on the cheek and tell him they’ll be back to watch the game later. Outside, we pile into an old truck, with me sitting in the middle.
“Who’s truck?”
“It’s my dad’s,” Noah says. “He’s had it since he was a teen. He’s put some money into it, to keep it running. Lets me borrow it for special occasions.”
Quinn cackles. I know I’m missing something, but I don’t even care. I’m out with my friends and it feels good to be free. Right now, I’m going to pretend I don’t have cancer. After Noah takes a couple of turns, I realize where we’re going. Finally, on the last turn, he pulls onto the dirt road, through some tree coverage, and then into the opening. Before us, is the base of the water tower. It’s empty and no longer in use. Liam bought the land, so he could preserve the water tower. The town was going to tear it down, but the memories here are too much, for everyone.
We get out of the truck. Noah grabs a backpack, and I can hear bottles clanging together. I can’t drink, even though I’d love to get hammered right about now. Quinn climbs the steps first, and then me, followed by Noah. We sit and let our legs dangle. Noah unzips his backpack and hands me a bottle of Coke. I can’t help but laugh.
“We know you can’t drink, but we wanted to come out here and hang. You know, away from the girls.”
“I appreciate it.”
I lean back and look out over the treetops. I remember the first time Elle brought me here. I was so nervous. I’d heard about the water tower and how it was a rite of passage for seniors. But not Elle. She made it her place from day one. She used to say she felt close to her father, and since he pretty much found this place with Liam, she was allowed to be here whenever she wanted.
The three of us chug our Cokes and then send the bottles sailing into the back of Liam’s truck. The shattering of glass is cathartic. I want to do it again, but guzzling soda isn’t the same as beer.
“We haven’t told anyone yet, but Peyton’s having trouble getting pregnant,” Noah says, taking me a bit off guard. He pulls out another Coke, opens it, and takes a sip. He holds the bottle out and looks at what’s left. “We’ve gone through a ton of testing. I’ve got the swimmers. She has the eggs. But the damage from the car accident might be the issue. No one knows this, so please don’t repeat this, but she’s had two miscarriages already. I don’t know how to help her through them, the second was worse than the first. Both times, the doctor said she wasn’t very far along, but that doesn’t matter. She was pregnant and lost the baby. Twice.” Noah finishes his soda and throws it toward the truck. “I really need a beer.”
“I’m sorry, Noah,” Quinn says. “I can’t even imagine what it’s like to go through that. Just know that if and when it happens, I’ll be excited to be an uncle. Nola and I have discussed this and neither of us want kids right now though, although I really love all the practice we’re getting for when we do. She’s got nieces and nephews and every time we head to her parents, they remind us it’s okay to wait.” Quinn pauses. “Our parents don’t think so, but whatever. Nola’s sister is keeping her parents busy, and my parents have Evelyn and James, and now Oliver.”
“Well, shit,” I say. “You’re having all the sex.” I look at Quinn and his eyebrows waggle. I shake my head. “And you,” I don’t say anything to Noah because what can you say to someone who is going through what he is. “I had to jack off into a cup so I could freeze my sperm so that one day, if I want to have kids, my wife or whoever can use my sperm to create a baby in a Petrie dish.” I look at my bottle and say, “Yep, a beer is definitely needed. Fuck, I can’t wait to have one.”
“I had to jack off,” Noah says. “Before the first miscarriage, we went to a specialist because we’ve been trying since before the wedding, and Peyton wanted to make sure we’re doing our part. They sat me in a room with porn and a cup. It was the most awkward thing ever.”
“I got porn on an iPad in the hospital bathroom before surgery. And only thanks to Elle. Even though we’re not together, she wanted to make sure my future wife could have a baby.”
“Wow, Elle’s really changed since all of this,” Quinn says.
“I don’t give her enough credit,” I tell them. “It’s easy for me to put everything on her because of what happened before. I was wrong to push a wedding date when I knew how important it was for her dad to walk her down the aisle. I tried to take that away from her and it was wrong.” Now it’s my turn to finish my soda. I send the bottle flying.
“Fuuuuck, we have company,” Quinn says as a SUV pulls in.
“It’s my dad,” Noah says.
Liam gets out of the car and marches toward the tower. He’s a man on a mission. He stands below us and looks up. “What are you doing?”
“Therapy session,” Noah says.
“Are you guys drinking?” Liam asks.
“No, just soda.” Quinn holds up his bottle, but I doubt Liam can see it.
“I’m not so sure Ben should be up there.”
“He’s just living his best life,” Noah yells down. “And we’re not drinking.”
Liam looks over his shoulder and then back at us. “Your mothers are on their way here, looking for you. I suggest you get down to the ground before they get here. I don’t want to be on the receiving end of either of their wrath.”
“Shit, we better go.” Noah stands and lends me a hand. He goes down first, and then I follow. My feet are on the ground when another car pulls into the clearing. Both moms get out of the car and Quinn mutters under his breath.
“We’ll take care of this, just don’t listen as we play the ‘our friend has cancer’ card.”
“Use it and abuse it,” I tell him. “Anything to keep us from getting yelled at.”
Honestly, the guys shouldn’t get into trouble for including me in their afternoon plans. I’m happy they did, and we didn’t do anything my doctor wouldn’t approve of. The three of us make our way over to Liam, Josie, and Katelyn. Katelyn gives me a once over and then glares at Quinn.
“It was my idea,” I blurt out. “Everyone knows the water tower is the place you go when you have a problem. I needed to break some stuff and the guys volunteered to bring me. Everything’s good here.”
This must satisfy the moms because after some muttering they go back to their car and tell us to get our butts home right away. In the truck, Noah thanks me for taking the blame, but assures me it wasn’t necessary. He says he’s not afraid of his mom.
“But you’re afraid of mine,” Quinn says, laughing uncontrollably.
He’s right.