19. Elle
elle
. . .
“ S top pacing,” Peyton says. “You’re making me nauseous.”
“I can’t help it. I’m nervous.”
“Noah and Quinn aren’t going to let anything happen to Ben.”
“I know, but I still worry.”
Peyton closes the book she’s reading and pats the spot next to her on the couch. I sit, with a heavy sigh, and keep my eyes on the front room window. “How are things?”
“Horrible,” I tell her. “I want to fix him and make everything better, but I can’t. I hate not having any control over the situation, and I hate all the waiting. We have to wait for treatment. Wait for the treatment to work. Wait, wait, wait. And then when the waiting is over, we have to see if the treatment worked, which is just more waiting.”
“Does Ben see you like this?”
“I try to hide it from him. He doesn’t need to worry about me worrying. I don’t know if I’m succeeding though,” I tell her. “He sees someone who’s determined to fight for him when we’re at the hospital, and when we’re alone, he sees how vulnerable I am. He’s my life, and I’m never going to forgive myself if something happens to him.”
“The surgeon said surgery was successful, right?”
I nod. “But that doesn’t mean it hasn’t spread or the chemo isn’t working. Next week, he starts his second batch or whatever, and then radiation if needed.”
“Don’t they usually say round two?”
“No, I think that’s reserved for the next time he starts. We’re still on round one. It’s all so confusing, and the verbiage is so muddled. I hate all the doctor speak and want to scream at them half the time, like talk to us as humans in words we understand. They make me feel stupid.”
“You’re not stupid, Elle.”
“I feel like it sometimes, P. And I feel incredibly helpless. I know I hover over Ben and I’m sure he hates it, but I don’t know what else to do for him. Besides, worry.”
Peyton takes my hand in hers. “I think what you’re doing for Ben is working. This morning, before the guys asked him to go out with them, he looked happy.”
“I think being here—as well as you guys being here—is what he needs. The hospital worries me though, what if they’re not equipped?—”
“Elle, they’re equipped. Do you really think Uncle Liam and Aunt Josie have just been sitting on their butts since you said you and Ben were coming? Noah told me, they toured the cancer wing and the chemo room. You know if they felt like it wasn’t up to par, they’d tell you to stay in Los Angeles. They’re not going to let Ben down. Or you.”
Tears fall. I wipe them away with the back of my hand. I lay my head on Peyton’s lap. She combs through my hair, much like our mom does when we need her. “How long are you here for?”
“Off and on. Noah will be here a little more than me, but I have some meetings that I can’t do over video conference, and I need to meet with the new recruits. I’ll be here as much as I can or in L.A. Wherever you are, that’s where I’ll be.”
“I love you, P. I honestly don’t know what I would do without you.”
“You’ll never have to know.”
Except, I almost did. When Peyton was in the car accident, I thought I lost her. I felt her absence deep within me. I couldn’t explain the immense pain I was in to anyone because they wouldn’t understand what it’s like to lose a part of you. Peyton’s not just my sister, she’s half of me and I of her.
Doors slam and laughter rings out. I sit upright and wipe away the rest of my tears. Before I can rush off to the bathroom to splash water on my face, the guys come in. Ben’s holding a bag from the local drug store and has a shit-eating grin on his face.
“What’s going on?” Peyton asks before I can get the words out.
“Hey, babe.” Noah comes over to her and kisses her. “Ben’s going bald, so we’re going to shave his head.”
“And mine,” Quinn says from the kitchen.
“And mine,” Liam says as he walks through the door.
“Mine too,” Mack says when he enters the house after Liam.
“Hey, Mack,” I say, and he waves. Seeing him reminds me that I need to ask Peyton what’s going on.
“Shaving your head, huh?” I glance at Ben. He shrugs and tries to hide the smile on his face. I had a feeling the guys would do this and turn it into something fun.
“What about you?” Peyton asks Noah.
“Of course,” he says, but does so as if he’s asking his wife for permission. I know Peyton will never tell him no. Not when it comes to family.
“Do you want me to do it?” she asks.
Noah shakes his head. “No, we’re going to take turns.”
“Okay, just remember Oliver is using the deck to play so make sure you guys clean up all the hair,” Peyton says. Noah tells her they will and leans down to kiss her. I should avert my eyes, but the love they have for each other is what you read about in romance books. It’s so pure and unadulterated. I’m jealous that Ben and I have to work to have what Noah and Peyton have. They’ve always been in sync with each other, long before they ever got together.
“Is he out there now?”
“Oh, no,” Peyton says. “He’s sleeping.”
“We’ll clean up. I promise,” Noah kisses her again and heads to the kitchen to go outside with the rest of the guys.
Peyton and I decide we need to see the shenanigans and join them outside. Quinn already has a chair set up and grandpa has brought out the broom and dustpan. “Grandpa,” I say, getting his attention. “Are you going to let the boys shave your head?”
He laughs and runs his hands over what’s left of his hair. “Not much left,” he says. “And if I shave it off, it won’t grow back.”
Ben stands next to me, and I put my arm around his waist. “Did you have fun earlier?”
He nods. “We did. Lots of guy talk.”
“Oh, boy.”
He laughs. “It’s all good.”
“Who’s first?” Quinn asks before turning the shaver on. I don’t know why, but Quinn and this mechanical clipper thing gives me anxiety. I join Peyton at the front of the chair, with our phones poised ready to capture all of this. Someday, we’ll share this moment, but not anytime soon. Maybe when Ben has a clean bill of health, then it’ll be time to celebrate, and we can look back on this and laugh.
I’m surprised when Liam sits down and tells Quinn to cut it all off. Strip by strip, Liam’s hair falls to the deck. When he’s done, Mack sits down next. After Noah cuts his hair, Mack takes a bunch of selfies, making us all laugh. He’s a cute kid, and I can see why Betty Paige is smitten with him. Quinn’s next and Mack does the honors.
Ben announces it’s his turn. He sits down, removes his hat, and my heart sinks a bit. He’s already lost some hair. I’ve seen the clumps in the bathroom garbage but haven’t said anything.
Quinn takes over the shaver from Mack, and I start to record. Each swipe brings a wave of tears from me. Ben’s not the sporty type, like Noah or Liam, who have had their heads shaved time and time again. He loves his hair and has always prided himself on having the latest style. I’ve always loved the slight curl the ends have and will miss playing with them. Some say, after chemo and hair starts to grow back, it’ll come back differently. Either in color or texture. I can’t imagine Ben as a blond or with straight hair. I’m so used to the dark locks.
Ben stands and runs his hand over his somewhat smooth head. Everyone claps for him, except me. I hug him tightly. His tears wet my shoulder. I tell him everything will be okay. I don’t know if it will be, but I have to keep telling myself things are going to turn out for the best. If I dwell on the negative, those thoughts are going to eat away at me, and Ben doesn’t need that from me.
Ben kisses the top of my head. I use this as my cue to step away. I hide my tears from him. He knows I’m crying, but I still turn away. When I look back at him, I smile. “Bald looks good on you.”
He laughs. “Remind me to buy some more hats. I think I need a new collection.”
“Absolutely. Maybe Peyton will send you some new Pioneers gear.”
“Yes, I’ll do that as soon as Noah’s done shaving his head.”
Ben stands next to me while Liam shaves Noah’s head. Peyton’s broadcasting live from Noah’s Instagram account. She doesn’t tell his fans why he’s doing it, out of respect for Ben, but tells everyone they need to go make a donation to The V Foundation. I join the live and watch the comments pour in, asking if Noah has cancer or if it’s his dad. Peyton answers them by saying it’s a family friend and their concern turns to Ben, although they have no idea who they’re praying for. Someone suggests this should’ve been a fan event, and while that could’ve raised money for the foundation, no one had thought that far ahead. When Noah’s hair is all on the ground, he gives his fans a close-up, and more comments pour in.
Liam jumps into frame and the comments move so fast I can’t keep up with them. Father and son compare their shaved heads, and then Quinn makes an appearance. I look at Ben, to see if he’s going to join them, but he shakes his head. One look at him, compared to the three of them, and you’ll be able to see who they did this for. Noah finally bids a farewell to everyone, and Peyton ends the livestream.
“Damn, we did not plan this very well. We could’ve turned this into a massive fundraiser,” Liam says.
“Right, we could’ve had the team to do it or something.”
“Would they do it for someone they don’t know?” Ben asks.
“In a heartbeat,” Noah says. “They’re always looking for something to do, and this is right up their alley.”
“Well, we missed the boat,” I say, hoping to curb anyone from saying “next time”. If I have my way, there won’t be a next time.
Quinn and Noah stay outside and clean up, while the rest of us make our way back into the house. Peyton says she’s calling the moms to talk about dinner.
“Elle, do you mind if I borrow you for a minute?” Liam asks.
“Just sixty seconds?” I joke.
“More like thirty minutes. I want to show you something.”
I glance at Ben, who tells me he’s fine and follow Liam outside. He holds the door of his SUV open for me. Once he’s behind the steering wheel, I ask, “Where are we going?”
“I want to show you the studio.”
“Oh.” I’m slightly caught off guard. I wasn’t expecting him to even give his new studio a second thought where I’m concerned. It’s a quick drive downtown and once we park, we run into my mom and Josie, whose arms are full of bags. We help them put the food in the back of my mom’s rental.
“You cut your hair,” Josie states.
“Uh . . .”
“Oh my, they all did it, didn’t they?” Mom asks and I nod.
“Except Peyton, Grandpa, and me.”
“Oliver?” Mom asks. I look at her oddly.
“Um, he barely has any hair.” I remind her. “Besides, he was sleeping through all of it.”
She puts her hand over her chest, relieved.
“Mom, seriously, do you think Peyton and I would’ve allowed the guys to cut his hair? Geez, way to trust us.”
“I do, it’s just?—”
I shake my head at her, while Liam laughs. “Come on, Elle.” We leave my erratic mother and her best friend and head up a staircase. At the top of the stairs, the hallway splits off. There’s a photography studio, a dentist office, and another flight of stairs. The sign on the door we’re standing in front of says FMG Records.
“FMG Records?”
Liam unlocks the door and turns on the light. The space is small, quaint, and set up similarly to the studio we use in Los Angeles.
“This one time, when I was eighteen or so, I knew Josie was going to be my forever girl. When I decided to open the studio, I needed a name. I tried using our initials, but nothing worked, and then one night, it hit me. I changed the letters around and created FMG Records.”
I look at the equipment and run my finger over the sound board. I miss my groups and miss being with them. “Why did you bring me here?”
Liam sits on the stool and motions for me to sit in the producer’s chair. “I want you to work for me while you’re here.”
“I’m not working right now.”
“I get it, but hear me out. Ever since I moved back, more and more, I find talent playing at Ralph’s, and the bars in Allenville. Some of them are really good, but I don’t have the time or believe it or not, the knowledge to get them to the next level. You have to remember, I was discovered. Someone helped me create a demo, introduced me to the right people, set up gigs at bigger venues. This is what I see FMG Records doing for people.”
“I think this is great, Uncle Liam, but I already told my bands that I’m not working, remember. You and dad are supposed to be helping me out. I can’t ditch them for new talent.”
“We are one hundred percent on board with helping, and I’m not asking you to ditch. I’m asking you to help me, while I’m helping you. The talent is here, I just need you to discover it, help them cut a demo, and get the ball rolling. The 4225 West team will do the rest.”
“I don’t know,” I tell him. I’m excited and love the opportunity, but I promised Ben.
“What if we bring your bands here?” he asks. “Plum is almost done and this is a great place for them to record their full album. Quinn can get his band here and Talking Til Dawn is still working on getting a hit. They could play the local bars, maybe set up a benefit for cancer, and we can have them play with Sinful Distraction.”
Now, I’m interested, but I won’t do anything without Ben’s approval. He’s calling all the shots now. “I need to talk to Ben,” I tell my uncle. “It has to be something he’s okay with because I promised I’d be there for him.”
“Honestly, I could use him as well. I need someone to run our social media, and it’s a great work from home type job. Right now, Betty Paige and Mack are doing that new video app for me, but the rest just sits there.”
“Let me talk to Ben. You know I want to say yes, but not without him. I’ve learned my lesson about putting my career first over him. I can’t lose him.”
Liam tells me he understands and says we should get back home before our phones start ringing. He shows me the rest of the new spaces and takes me to the top floor where there’s a vacant apartment and a small dance studio.
“Too bad Aunt Yvie isn’t here.”
“Oh, believe me,” he says. “I’ve tried to entice her back. There’s a gym going in down the street and I keep sending pictures to Xander.”
“Why are you trying to get everyone to leave Los Angeles?” I ask as we walk back down the stairs.
Liam shrugs. “It’s weird. I have great memories there, obviously, but since being back here, Beaumont is home, and I want my home to thrive. I want people to come here, to spend their money here.”
“Uncle Jimmy will never move here,” I say as Liam holds the door to his SUV open for me.
“He might, but Eden won’t.”
We make idle chit chat about Plum on our way back to my grandpa’s. Liam tells me he loves their sound and can’t wait to work with them as well as telling me how much fun my dad is having on tour. I can’t say I’m not jealous, because I am, but Ben’s happiness is more important.
When we get back to the house, we find everyone outside, including Betty Paige, who’s carrying Oliver around on her hip. Liam and I grab plates, and I find a spot next to Ben.
“Did you eat?”
He nods.
“How much?”
“Elle,” he says my name as a warning.
“Ben,” I repeat his tone. “You need to eat. How much did you eat?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t need a babysitter.”
“Nope, you don’t. But you do need nutrients. You’ve already lost noticeable weight. What can I get you?” I ask him. “There’s potato salad, baked beans, chicken, some skewer things. I saw pie. Chips and dips. Anything, Ben. I just need you to eat.”
He relents and gives me a couple items that sound good to him. I get it, his taste buds are all out of whack and nothing sounds good. Unfortunately, the alternative is a feeding tube, and I don’t want that for him.
I bring him back a plate with a little of everything he asked for. I’ll be happy if he eats what I give him at this point. I peel some chicken off the bone and hand him a piece. Thankfully, he takes it.
“Where’d you go?” he asks.
“Remember when we came through town yesterday and Liam told us what he had done with the building?” Ben nods. “He took me to his studio.”
“Oh?”
“He wants me to find talent in Beaumont and help them make demos.” I fill him in on everything Liam said, and how Ben could work as well.
“Are you going to do it?”
I shake my head. “I’m not working, remember.”
“I think you should.”
“I don’t want to leave you, Ben. This is where I need to be.”
He leans over and kisses my forehead. “And I’m here, surrounded by family. I think if we’re here, you should do what makes you happy.”
I open my mouth to say something, but he holds his hand up.
“I can do my part and we can create together, like we used to. Being here, things are different. I’ll never be alone.”
“That’s very true.” I look around at the big family we have.
“Besides, it’ll give you something to do while I’m sleeping.” He laughs.
“I’ll think about it.”
“Sure, you will,” he says. “That’s code for you’ll push it aside because you think it’s the right thing to do. I’m telling you, take the job. I want you to do what you love while we’re here. Besides, you’ll be five minutes away, and no tours.”
“No tours,” I tell him.
“Do you think you can show me the studio later?”
“Of course, but you have to do something for me.” I eye his plate.
He rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah.”