20. Ben
ben
. . .
I t’s been three weeks since we returned to Beaumont. The second round of chemo or my next batch, whatever I’m supposed to call it, is over and this is my down week. Although, with it being Friday, I only have the weekend to enjoy myself before I start all over again. The first few days are okay, but by mid-week, I’m exhausted. Mentally and physically. Not to mention I hardly eat because throwing up isn’t fun. The only food I can keep down as of late is soup, and I’m sorry but there’s only so much soup a guy can take. Unfortunately, the alternative is a feeding tube, which Elle keeps threatening me with. I know I’m not getting enough to eat but forcing myself only makes me feel sicker.
Everyone’s in town this weekend, and by everyone, I mean Nola’s here, along with her brother, Rhett. He was on a business trip and thought he’d stop in for a few and check out the mysterious Beaumont. It’ll be nice to get to know him a little. Quinn seems to really like him. Noah and Peyton are also here, although Noah hasn’t left since I returned. I have to admit, we’ve never been particularly close because he’s five years older than me, but he’s been a good friend these past few weeks and has even taken me to chemo. I told him he could drop me off and pick me up later, but he stayed in the waiting room and bugged the nursing staff for the entire duration of my treatment. He wanted to make sure I had enough to read while I was sitting in the chair. Unlike Los Angeles, I’m the only patient in there most days, and I have to say, I envy the people who only go once a week. I know eventually that’ll be me, but until then I’m going to be jealous of them. Their recovery time is much easier than mine.
Elle’s gone back to work—sort of—and when I’m feeling up to it, I go with her. Liam’s studio is small, and really only meant for one artist to come in and record at a time. Unless they’re invited by Elle or Liam, the studio is a pay by the hour place. Artists can come in and record themselves singing and make a CD, but they’re on their own. Elle has brought in a couple people she’s come across at Ralph’s, but one wasn’t willing to work with her because she didn’t have any “big” acts tied to her name. When Elle told Quinn this, he cackled, and proceeded to tell anyone who would listen he’s a nobody in the music industry. I think he’s pretty proud of himself with his newfound status. Usually, he’s Harrison James’s son. It seems mainstream media forgets Quinn’s his own person.
Being at the studio is fun though. I like to watch Elle work. Beforehand, when we were in Los Angeles, she’d be in her office or in the production booth, and I’d be in mine. Very rarely could I sit and pay attention to how she works. She’s extremely determined and focused, and I find her to be kind to the artists she brings in. She has an eclectic taste in music, which I find refreshing.
The first time I ever sat at the front desk in Liam’s studio, the phone rang. He has a landline. Once I saw it, I fully expected a rotary phone, but it’s this crazy contraption with caller identification, hold buttons, and multiple lights that flash in red, green, and white. I made the mistake of answering the phone one time and having to set up a schedule for someone who wanted to use the recording equipment. An admin assistant, I am not, but I tried. Thankfully, Betty Paige told me to let the calls go to voicemail and she’ll take care of them when she’s out of school. She comes in every day and on the weekends and mans the phone, books out the studio, and collects payments. She told me it’s better to work for her dad, than her mom. I’ve half expected Mack to be there, learning the guitar, but he spends most of his time at the photography studio across the hall. Taking photos is his passion, according to Liam.
I’ve also found out that Mack is living with the Westburys full-time now. Nick went to South Africa at Christmas and hasn’t returned. I get the sense Liam is put off by this, but he doesn’t let it show around Mack. By all accounts, Liam is playing dad to a very impressionable young man, who is a three-sport athlete, part of a student government, learning to drive, and taking photography lessons. Elle says Mack is also a straight A student and won’t do anything to mess up his relationship with Liam and Josie.
Speaking of Elle, she’s stressed. I can see it in her eyes. It’s almost as if some light is gone from them and it breaks my heart. I try to assure her, I’m fine. That I’m playing Star Wars with the tumor and totally beating its ass, but I don’t think my words register all the time. At night, when we lie in bed, the worry she feels shows on her face. I wish I could do something to help her, but the words I say fall flat. I can’t tell Elle that I’m okay, because she knows I’m not. It's like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Noah and Quinn come into the house, dressed for the lake, in shorts and T’s. They smell like they’ve bathed in sunblock. The one odor I can still smell perfectly well.
“Are you ready?” Noah asks.
“For what?”
“To go to the lake,” Quinn says. “We’re all going.”
“I’m not,” I tell them. If they didn’t clear it with Elle, it’s not happening. Like it or not, she’s my boss and I’ll do whatever she says. If it means I’m emasculated by letting her control my life, then so be it. She’s trying to keep me alive and somewhat healthy.
“Elle knows. She’s going to,” Quinn says. “She didn’t tell you?”
“No, she didn’t.” Clearly. I get up off the couch and climb the stairs slowly. They’re hard to manage sometimes and usually once I come down them in the morning, I stay downstairs. The many naps I take happen on the couch or in Grandpa’s recliner. He had Liam move it so it faces the window, and I can look out and see what the neighbor kids are doing. Honestly, as nice as it is, it makes me feel like I’m eighty years old.
I find Elle sitting in a chair by the bedroom window. Her head is back and she’s letting the sun beat down on her face. “Am I interrupting?” I ask after tapping lightly on the door.
She opens her eyes and looks at me. “Not at all,” she says. “What does Grandpa say when he’s napping—just resting my eyes.” Elle turns her face back toward the sun and closes her eyes again. “The sun feels good.”
“Speaking of, did you tell Quinn and Noah we’d go to the lake?”
“Mhm,” she hums. “Liam rented a boat or a mini yacht for tomorrow. We’re all going out there.”
“Uh, apparently it’s today.”
Her eyes shoot open. “What? Liam said Friday.”
“Today is Friday,” I tell her, and as if she doesn’t believe me, she picks her phone up off the nightstand and looks at the date.
“Shit.”
“So, we’re going?”
Elle nods. “Yep. Crap. I can’t believe I lost a day.”
“Well, I mean technically it feels like we’re on vacation. I haven’t had chemo this week, so we’re resting.”
Elle stands and goes to the closet. She grabs her tote bag and then goes to the dresser we share and takes out her swimsuit, a pair of shorts, and a shirt. “So, the plan is to go to the lake today. Everyone is going, and like I said, Liam has a boat. We’re going to hang out, have some fun, eat, play some games, and just relax by the water. Liam’s bringing some inner tubes. Oh, and my dad is supposed to be in town today, so Mom and Oliver will join us later.”
“Sounds like fun. How come you forgot to tell me?”
Elle stands there with her clothes in her hand. “I don’t know,” she says with a shake of her head. “It slipped my mind. I guess maybe in the back of my mind, I thought the guys would tell you as they’d be here at some point after they brought it up. No ill intent meant, if that’s what you’re getting at.”
“I’m not. Just curious if you want to go, is all.”
“I do. Do you want to go?”
I nod. “I’ll get changed and pack all my crap.”
Elle laughs, but it’s not funny. I swear I take a med kit wherever I go, just in case. There are so many “just in case” scenarios right now that it’s better to have some sort of kit on hand. Elle keeps everything centrally located in the bathroom, so it’s really a matter of zipping the bag and taking it with me. When I get back to the bedroom, my swim trunks are lying on the bed, along with a T-shirt, a long-sleeved shirt, and a pair of sweatpants. She knows I’m going to get cold.
“Thanks for getting this stuff out.”
“Of course. I’ll meet you downstairs.” She lingers in the room for a moment and then gives me a soft smile. She’s hard to read sometimes, but part of me thinks she wants to kiss me, more than the pecks we share occasionally. I know I miss being her person, but she hasn’t told me how she feels about us since I told her about the cancer. I sort of miss the fighting because it meant we were talking about our feelings. Now, it seems we only talk about how I’m feeling, which is pretty shitty most of the time.
Elle drives us over to the lake in her rental. We could’ve ridden with any of the others, but I don’t want to burden anyone if I need to leave. When we get there, our large group of family and friends have taken up a sizable space near the lake.
Katelyn’s in the water with Oliver. He’s in one of those baby floaties with an umbrella to protect his head. Plus, he’s wearing a hat. It’s funny how many precautions people take with their babies but forget about themselves.
At the end of the dock, Liam climbs off the boat he’s rented for the day. I didn’t even know he had a captain’s license, but it doesn’t surprise me. He’s a jack of all trades, it seems.
Elle and I claim a couple seats in the shade. After setting our stuff down, we go help set up the food table. I catch Elle smiling when I steal a piece of fruit. It’s weird to think that me eating brings her joy.
After we eat, Liam offers to take people tubing. Noah passes, but Mack, Paige, Quinn, Nola, and Rhett head out. Most of us gather on the dock to watch them and cheer when Liam is able to dump one of them into the water. Next year, I’ll be out there, I tell myself. I won’t be this weak man who needs to rest every so often. A year from now, things will be different.
Elle sits on the dock and sets her feet in the water. I do the same. Something pokes my leg and when I pull it out of the water, I don’t see anything.
“What’s wrong?”
“I think I got bit by a fish,” I tell Elle through laughter.
She laughs hard, harder than I’ve seen her laugh in a long time. “You gotta watch out for those trout.”
“Right?” I put my arm around her and pull her toward me. Before she can rest her head on my shoulder, my finger and thumb hold her chin so I can look into her eyes. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For caring. For being here for me.”
“I love you, Ben. There’s no other place I’d be.”
I close the distance and press my lips to hers. Her small intake of breath spurs me on. My tongue touches the edge of her lips, and her mouth opens for me. Kissing her like this brings back a flood of memories and emotions. I’m so in love with her, it hurts.
“I love you, Elle,” I say after we part. Her eyes light up. It’s like those words have brought back the spark that seemed to have dimmed over the past couple of months. I did that. I took away the glow, and now I need to work to return it. I miss seeing the glimmer of light she used to carry with her.