21. Elle
elle
. . .
B eing at the lake yesterday was refreshing. It was like old times, and when Ben kissed me, the butterflies I have felt all my life when it comes to him, resurfaced with such vigor. I find myself wondering why I ever waited so long to act on them. Deep down, I know it’s because he was my best friend, and accepted every flaw I have without asking me to change who I am. Crossing the line from friendship into something more was the scariest thing I had ever done. I feared we wouldn’t work, and I was right. The first major fight, and Ben wanted to quit. I know he’s been invested in us longer, but what happened between us wasn’t fair. He was so quick to quit on us and quit on me. This is something we need to work on. I want to be with him forever. I want to have his children. I want to sit by his side, in our rockers, and watch our grandchildren play. If he can’t see that in me, then I need to work harder to show him.
Ben sleeps soundly next to me. Since we returned to Beaumont, things have been really great between us. I thought with everyone here, we’d have a disconnect, but we seem to gravitate toward each other. Still, I worry about him, and the germs people bring in and out of grandpa’s house. I know everyone wants to hang out, but sometimes, it’s a little too much, even for me. I look forward to when it’s just the three of us: Ben, Grandpa, and I, and we’re watching television or working on a crossword together. It’s those quiet moments that bring me calm and afford me a chance to think. It gives me a chance to process everything going on around me whether it’s Ben and his cancer, or this job I’m doing for Uncle Liam, which I really think is a front. He doesn’t want me to forget my path or stay out of music for too long. He wants me to continue to make a name for myself because more often than not, when you take an extended break, people forget you. When you email an exec that you haven’t spoken to in a while, that email tends to get pushed to the bottom of the pile. I can’t have that happen, but I also can’t leave Ben’s side. While my job is crucial and important, Ben’s health far outweighs my career right now.
While he sleeps, I take in his features. He’s lost weight. It’s most noticeable in his face. His eyes are sunken in and his cheekbones more profound. I know some people like this look, but it’s not a good look on him. I miss the fullness he used to have and know it will come back eventually, but that eventually is years away. His fight isn’t over when chemo stops. He’ll have scans and blood tests every few months. He’ll worry, as will I, that something’s wrong all the time. He might get the slightest fever, or a head cold, and he’ll automatically think the worst. At some point, he's going to ask me to stop asking if he’s okay, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that.
He has four treatments left and then we wait. We wait for three months, six months, five years. Our lives will be a waiting game until that five-year mark where the doctors will declare him cancer free. Over eighteen hundred days of waiting, while in remission. I can’t wait for the day when I can start counting.
Ben stirs and slowly opens his eyes. He looks tired. Exhausted even. “Good morning.”
“Morning,” he says groggily.
“Did you sleep okay?”
He nods and winces as he starts to roll onto his back. “What’s wrong?”
“Just pinched my port.”
His port is a necessary nuisance. It’s the easiest way to administer his chemo and any other drugs he may need, but it hurts him and seems to always be in the way, even though it’s on the inside of his arm. I know I’ve grabbed it a couple of times by accident. You tell yourself you don’t want to think about the cancer and your loved one being sick so you try to act as normal as you can, but the consequence of doing so is inadvertently touching a vital part of their treatment. Knowing it’s there makes my stomach queasy, but it’s so much worse when I know I’ve caused him some discomfort.
“I’m meeting Uncle Liam at the studio. We’re going to start planning a fundraiser for cancer patients who don’t have insurance. I know what this is costing and can’t imagine someone not having insurance or the means to pay for treatment. Liam talked about setting up a fund and making this an annual or even semi-annual event. He doesn’t want it to be a one-time thing.”
“I think that would be really good and could turn into a full-time job for someone. Events like this aren’t easy to plan, and then there’s the managing the funds aspect. How do you determine who is going to get help and who isn’t?”
“I’m leaving all that up to Liam. He has someone lined up to manage distribution. I’m in charge of entertainment.”
“Are your bands coming?”
I nod. “Yeah, they’re pretty excited. Especially Sinful Distraction. Plus, I’m going to book a lot of local talent. I expect people to travel for this as well. People want to help. Big stars want to help. It would be great to get some major headliners and turn this into a festival of sorts in the years to come.”
“Taylor Swift?” Ben waggles his eyebrows.
“You just want to meet her because you have a big crush on her.”
“Guilty.”
“I don’t get it though. She’s a blondie and I’m not.”
“It’s simple. I’m in love with you,” he says in the most endearing and sincerest way. “Can I kiss you again?”
I nod and close the distance between us. Ben turns onto this side and cups my face. His lips are chapped and dry from the chemo, no longer the soft lips of before. I don’t tell him though. He doesn’t need to worry about these small changes while he’s fighting the war going on inside his body. I slide a little closer, wanting more. I’m greedy. I can’t help it. I’ve missed Ben so much that these little shared moments between us leave me desperate and hungry for him.
My hand slides under his T-shirt and up his back. When my fingers touch his ribs, he freezes and pulls away. He’s lost weight. Too much for my liking. It’s why I force him to eat and am trying to encourage him to drink the protein shakes my grandpa does. I know they’ll help.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m just not comfortable in my own skin at the moment.”
“I understand.”
Ben keeps his hand on my cheek. “I’ll get there.”
“I’ll wait,” I tell him. “You’re worth the wait.”
“I love you, Elle,” he tells me and then kisses me again. His stomach growls and I smile against this mouth. “Well, shit.”
I can’t help but laugh. “Come on, let’s go eat.” We climb out of bed, change out of our pajamas, and head downstairs. After I stuff my face and Ben picks at his food, we take turns in the shower. I dress and am about to walk out the door when Ben tells me he is going to come downtown with me because he wants to check out the new bookstore on Main Street.
Downtown is bustling and it brings back so many memories from when we lived here. In the park, across from Whimsicality, there are vendors selling their goods. It’s like the Saturday market I visited one time in Portland, Oregon. Through my closed window, I can hear faint sounds of music and wonder who’s playing right now.
“Why did we move?” Ben asks.
“My parents, and then college,” I remind him as I continue to look for a place to park.
“Why do we stay?”
I parallel park and then ponder his question. It’s been on my mind as of late. Part of my job is in Los Angeles. It’s where artists flock to, to find record deals.
As well as New York City.
Or Nashville.
Even Austin.
So why not Beaumont?
Liam’s words from the other day replay in my mind. Since he returned, more and more artists are coming to Beaumont. Why not turn Liam’s record company into something big. It’s something I could manage, but it would be hard work. The music industry is a tad more difficult without a major label behind the musician. However, with the popularity of apps and music streaming this could definitely be a thing. Before I get in over my head though, it’s something I need to talk to Liam about.
“I can do my job from anywhere,” Ben says.
“I know. I’d have to travel though.” I glance at him. “I can’t expect the bands I manage now to pick up and move or come here to do their stuff. Plus, the studio isn’t big enough to fit the likes of Sinful Distraction in there. Can you imagine Hendrix and his larger than life personality?”
“Keane would probably like to raise Chandler here.”
“Speaking of . . .” I look at Ben again. “I think he and Dana have a thing going on. I’m not sure and I haven’t asked, but Jamie mentioned something about seeing Dana at their grocery store, which is well out of the way from where she lives. And I know Keane has been seeing someone.”
“Stay out of it,” Ben warns.
“I am, but it’ll complicate things. Hendrix is,” I sigh, “in love with Dana, but I’m not so sure Dana feels the same way about him. His problem is he can’t keep it in his pants. My dad says he reminds him of Jimmy before he met Jenna. Hendrix just hasn’t figured out how to fix his issues.”
“Maybe he’s waiting for the right person to come along.”
“Maybe.” I turn off the car. We unbuckle, get out of the car, and I meet Ben on the sidewalk. He leans down and gives me a kiss. It’s unexpected and very welcomed. He holds my hand, and we walk toward Whimsicality.
There’s a line of people waiting to get it. I pause before we get to the door. “You know if we go in there, it’s going to be like old times. Josie is going to make us work.”
Ben shrugs. “It’ll be fun. Besides, it looks like she needs some help.”
I beam at Ben. With everything going on, he still wants to help and not let cancer slow him down. I shrug and he leads me past the people waiting and right to the counter where we encounter a very frazzled Josie.
Her eyes light up when she spots us. “Please tell me?—”
“Of course, we are. Where do you want us?” Ben asks.
“Do you guys want to serve? I can take the orders.”
“Sure,” I say. We step behind the counter and grab aprons.
“Once we get these orders out, I’m going to clean,” Ben says.
Ben and I work quickly, getting orders out. We run into a few classmates, who are excited to see us and elated that we’re engaged. Neither of us tell them that I refuse to take my ring off even though we’ve been broken up for months, and we don’t tell people that we’re living in town for a bit. Once we do, they’ll want to hang out and Ben’s just not up for that. Right now, it’s family. They understand when he needs a break.
The line doesn’t die down, but there’s enough of a break that Ben is able to bus the tables and get them ready for the next patrons. I tried to get Ben to take a break, but he refused. Now, when I watch him, he’s moving slower and probably thinks I don’t see him when he rests his knee on the chair for support. The earlier moxie he had is gone.
I know I’m supposed to be upstairs with Liam, but this is fun, and I don’t want to leave Ben right now. Working with Ben again is like old times and it’s a nice reminder of the life we used to have. Maybe Los Angeles isn’t the place for us. Beaumont might not be it either, but we’re young enough to figure things out.
When things finally calm down, Josie tells us she can handle the rest. She gives us hugs, promises to come over later with our pay, even though we told her we don’t want anything, and sends us on our way.
Back outside, Ben kisses me again and I realize how easy it is to fall into this routine. I’m already there, but know he needs time to figure things out.
“How are you feeling?” The temptation to check his forehead for a fever is there, but I keep my hands to myself. I don’t want to embarrass him in front of onlookers.
“I’m great. I’m going to the bookstore,” he tells me. “And I’m going to walk around a bit. I’ll meet you in the studio later?”
“Sounds good. Be careful, please.”
Ben winks and walks away without promising to stay safe. I watch him until he disappears around the corner and smile to myself. I think we’re going to be okay.