22. Ben
ben
. . .
A s soon as I round the corner, out of Elle’s sight, I rest against the brick wall. I’m tired. I don’t know if it’s from busting my ass at Whimsicality or what, but I don’t want Elle to hover right now. I bend slightly at my waist and try to catch my breath. I’m sure I have a fever, but I might be overly exerted as well. I know I worked a lot and didn’t take a break, but I don’t want to admit that cancer is kicking my ass. Well, the chemo is. That shit is nasty and drains every ounce of energy I have. I hate the old adage, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. Friedrich Nietzche can kiss my ass with his logic. The cancer, the chemo—it’s slowly killing me, and something tells me once it succeeds, there’s no coming back from it.
I stay where I am and slip my sunglasses on. I don’t want to make eye contact with anyone, especially if they might know me. I ran into enough people while working this morning to last me a lifetime. I could see it in their eyes when they looked at me—they knew I was sick—but didn’t ask. I mean, what do you say in a situation like that? “Hey, Ben, what the fuck is wrong with you?” No one is that cold, but a conversation like that makes things awkward. It’s just best if no one knows why Elle and I are here.
As I look around, it’s amazing to see the changes Beaumont has gone through since I was last here for Peyton and Noah’s wedding. The town is thriving, and I feel, in large part, it’s because of Liam and Josie’s dedication to making sure this is a place people want to live. It could’ve been so easy for them to pack up and move west to be with the rest of us, but they held fast to the notion that Beaumont is a great place to raise a family. Not going to lie, it felt great working at Whimsicality again. It was just like old times and it’s funny how it all came back to me so easily and I never forgot what to do. Of course, running into former classmates wasn’t high on my list, but I knew once I put the apron on, it was going to happen. I suppose it’s not a surprise to find me or Elle working there, or even Noah and Peyton. When family needs help, you help. It’s what everyone is doing for me, and technically, I’m not even family. I’m just a guy who fell in love with a girl, who happens to have the most amazing family I’ve ever met, and they took me in as their own.
The bookstore on Main Street is new, yet when I finally have the energy to climb the granite stairs, I step inside and take in the décor. The store looks like it’s been here forever. The wooden floor could almost certainly be the original one from when the building was built, who knows when, even though I have no idea what was here beforehand. If I remember correctly, the building sat vacant for a long time. Beaumont used to be the town everyone forgot about when it came to upgrading its infrastructure. Sure, people move here, but the town council rarely puts any work into dilapidated buildings. But then again, if my civics classes taught me anything, it’s not the local government’s issue, but the peoples’. The people of Beaumont have spoken, and they’re determined to revitalize their town. Honestly, I’m here for it. I love this town and the more I think about it, the more I want to move back. I think Elle and I can really make a go of it here. I know she’ll have to travel, but maybe it’s something we do together.
I peruse the bookshelves. There are some classic titles, which entice me. I’ve always wanted to collect first editions but have never taken the plunge. They’re an investment. When I’m with Elle, my cash flow is flexible. Without her . . . well that just doesn’t seem possible and I can’t even begin to understand what I was thinking in December. I love her. She’s my life. I hate myself for kicking our relationship to the curb so fast. Thinking back to that night, I was being so irrational, and I think it’s because of my new co-worker and how he described his girlfriend and if he had asked me, I knew exactly what I would want to say. Except I realized then I wanted to call her my wife instead of my girlfriend and I let that notion get the better of me. I will never understand why I needed our status to change immediately instead of sticking with the plan. Maybe, deep down, I knew something was wrong with me and I wanted to be married to her before shit got bad for me. Elle’s never pressured me for anything except to accept her for who she is. She never demanded a ring or anything, and all she ever asked was for me to love her, which I can easily do. I’m the one who insisted on more when we were content.
Maybe that’s it—we were content.
Was I afraid I’d lose her?
My hand pauses on the spine of an old, tattered copy of Les Misérables —a coming of age story about redemption and hidden identities, mixed with a powerful love story among a raging war. Sounds like mine and Elle’s life right now with the exception of hiding who we are, although, in a sense, we’re doing just that—hiding. I was foolish in thinking I could hide my feelings for Elle. In doing so, I made myself angry and hateful, for no reason other than I wanted to shut off the way I feel about her because I thought it would be easier than admitting I made a mistake. No man wants to ever admit they were wrong, but I was. Still am. Every day I think about telling Elle to forget what I said, but there’s damage that needs to be fixed, and I’m the one who needs to fix it. I don’t expect Elle to just forget the things I said to her.
There are a couple of tables in this store, as well as a coffee and tea station. I brew myself a cup of coffee and take one of the tables in the front window. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve checked in with my co-workers. Unfortunately, they all know I have cancer. I say it’s unfortunate because it’s a pity party. We’re not close and barely know each other. Prior to my diagnosis I was only in the office a couple of times because we’re allowed to work remotely. The camaraderie some people have with their co-workers isn’t there for me. Nonetheless, they’re all sorry I’m battling for my life right now. While I appreciate the support, the sympathy sucks. I stopped showing my face during meetings so they can’t see how much I’ve changed. No one needs to comment on my looks right now. I know I look sick. I have bags under my eyes that rival parents with a colicky newborn.
After a sip of coffee, I boot up my laptop and send a message to my team. Replies pop up instantly and after a round of “how are you doing” conclude, we talk business. The agency landed a new client and now it’s our responsibility to take them from a regional success to a globally household name. Super easy, said no one in advertising. This makes working with bands much easier.
In between answering messages from my co-workers, I decide to start working on a logo for Plum. It’s not my job, but I know it’ll make Elle happy, and I want to make her happy. Truthfully, working for her was easy. Another mistake on my part by leaving, but there wasn’t any way I’d be able to work with her and not be with her. There’s no way in hell I’d ever be able to watch her move on and that’s a fear I live with every day.
When I’m satisfied with some options for Plum’s logo, I sign-off, close my laptop, pack my things up, dump the cold coffee, and make my way to the check-out counter with a couple of new paperbacks. With my new books in hand, I decide to check out the new pet store. I have mixed feelings about stores like this. Are the pets taken care of? Are their cages cleaned? Are the animals fed regularly?
Inside, there’s a pen in the middle of the store with a couple of puppies playing with each other. There’s one though, who sits in the corner. He looks at his friends and I imagine he’s thinking to himself, “What are they doing?” He makes me smile. I reach down and pet him. He leans his head back and looks into my eyes.
My soul.
“Hi, buddy.” It’s in this moment that I know I want to take this little guy home. But where is home? And how can I train him if I’m puking my guts out every day?
“Would you like to hold him?” One of the employees asks. “We have puppy rooms if you’d like one. You can get to know him.”
“Sure, that would be awesome.”
The clerk goes inside the pen and the others start to attack her ankles. She doesn’t seem to care as she scoops up the little guy and tells me to follow her. “He’s a labradoodle,” she tells me when we get into the room. “He’s had all of his shots and is just waiting for his forever home.”
“How old?”
“Three months.” She opens the half door to the room, and I follow, only to see there is no place to sit, other than the floor. She sets the puppy down and he sniffs around. She stays there, almost as if she’s waiting to see what I’m going to do. I smile and lean against the wall and sort of slide down until I’m seated. “Have fun,” she says as she closes the half door.
I reach out and pet his head and he instantly climbs onto my lap and continues to climb until he reaches my face and gives me some kisses and then curls up on my lap. It’s amazing how something so innocent can project their love so easily. I’m sold and I never thought I’d want a dog. I pick him up and snuggle his soft fur and pull my phone out to take a picture of us. I send it to Elle with the caption, “he needs a family.”
“We gotta get Elle’s permission,” I tell him. “But something tells me she’ll say yes. Maybe she’ll come and meet you. I know once she sees your big brown eyes, she’ll put you in her bag and take you home.”
He looks at me like he understands everything I’m telling him. For all I know, he does. We play for a bit until Elle’s text comes in. “Buy him now!”
“Well, would you look at that?” I show him the phone. “She wants you, with no questions asked. Maybe this is a good sign,” I tell him. “Maybe you’ll be the reason we get back together.”
“How’s it going?” the clerk leans on the top of the half door and grins.
“Amazing. I’m in love already. How do I go about buying this little guy?”
Her grin turns into a beaming smile. “Yay, I’m so happy. I’ll start the paperwork. What’s your name?”
“Is this for ownership?”
“Yes, we document who buys each dog or cat.”
“Okay,” I pause and wonder if I should include Elle and then remember she’s in charge of my future offspring so she should have rights to this guy as well.
“His owners will be Ben Miller and Elle James.”
There’s a hint of recognition in her eyes. I smile and ask, “Is there a home visit or anything?”
She shakes her head. “The cost of him pretty much assures us that you can take care of him. Besides, the owner knows Elle’s family. I mean, we all do. I can’t imagine anyone telling her no.” Her eyes go wide. “Oh, I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.”
I smile and shake my head. “No worries. I rarely say no to her myself, so I get it.”
“Right. I’ll go get the paperwork started.”
“Thank you.” As soon as she’s gone, I pick the little guy up. “Well,” I say to the fluff ball. “I guess you’re going to need a name.” His tongue darts out and licks my nose. “I hope you like the beach because that’s where we live, unless we move back here. I think I’ll teach you to surf. That would be fun, wouldn’t it? Just wait until everyone meets you.” He looks at me with longing in his eyes.
“Yeah, they’re going to fall in love with you, just like I did.”
I start to get woozy and set him down. I can feel him licking my hand or my face, but everything else is fuzzy right now except the ringing in my head.
“Elle,” I say her name as if she’s sitting next to me before everything goes dark.