23. Elle
elle
. . .
O nce I lose sight of Ben, I open the door and head up the stairs to FMG Records. Betty Paige sits at the desk and has the phone pressed to her ear and her hand scribbling on a piece of paper. For being a teen, she’s one of the best multi-taskers I have ever met. Liam is damn lucky she’s so detail oriented because since he opened the studio, it’s been packed with artists making demos and hoping to catch his attention, and now mine.
My focus should be on the guy sitting on the stool, strumming his guitar, and singing into the microphone, who’s trying to impress me enough that I’ll want to work with him, but my attention is on my phone, eagerly awaiting another photo of Ben and this puppy he’s found. I have no idea where he is, but from the looks of the image, he’s in a room. I do remember seeing a pet store not far from here, but it’s new and I know nothing about it. I’m going to assume he’s there and has met this most adorable puppy. I never thought we needed a pet, especially a dog, but now I do. The look on Ben’s face, the sparkle in his eyes, tells me he needs his little ball of fur, and so do I.
“How was that?” the man on the stool, who’s seeking my undivided attention, asks. Shit . I look down at my notes to try and refocus myself. His name’s Phillip Shaw but plans to go by Jersey as an artist. I like it. It’s edgy and creative.
I take my headphones off and contemplate telling him the truth—I wasn’t listening—but I know saying this will hurt his ego and I’m not going to do that to this guy. I press the button on my sound board allowing me to talk to him without going into the room. “Let’s go one more time and really focus on what the song means to you. You wrote this for a reason, let me hear it. I want to feel the emotions in your voice while you tell the story through the lyrics and your sound.”
Phillip or Jersey smiles. “I can do that.” I press the record button and once the red light comes on, he starts strumming. As soon as he belts out the first verse I know my feedback, although made up, was right. He’s already singing with more emotion. Whoever did this guy dirty is going to know this song’s about her once it hits the airwaves, and I’m here for it. I write some notes about adding some background vocalists, drums, and possibly some keys. I can always send this to Jimmy and ask him to fill in with some keyboard work. It’s nice to have a well-established band in your back pocket. 4225 West won’t ask for payment to play on tracks, which is nice. They have no qualms helping other artists. Royalties and credit—it’s all that’s needed in return.
When he finishes his riff, I wait a few seconds before I press stop on the recording. I press the intercom button and say, “Come on out here, let’s chat.”
Phillip comes out and I offer him my seat. The studio is small and there’s not a ton of space. It wasn’t meant to conduct business in, but I’m making it work. My cell rings and I expect to see Ben’s image, but it’s an unknown number. I decline the call and turn my attention to Phillip.
“Great sound,” I tell him. “I’m going to play around with the recording and see what I can do to sharp . . .” my phone rings again with the same number. I hit decline again. “Sorry, these damn telemarketers are relentless. Anyway, I’m going to sharpen the sound by adding some additional background instruments.”
“Maybe you should answer that.” He motions toward my phone. The same number is calling again. I sigh heavily. I hate interruptions, more so when people don’t leave a voicemail. If I declined you the first time, there’s a reason. Leave a message.
I stare at my phone for a long moment and finally pick it up. I answer with a snappy, “Hello?”
“Elle James?”
“Yep, who’s this?”
“This is Lynn Willard from Beaumont General. You’re listed as Benjamin Miller’s emergency contact in his file. I’m calling to let you know he’s been brought in by ambulance.”
My heart drops and my throat tightens as tears fill my eyes. “What?” I squeak out.
“I don’t have much information other than he collapsed at the pet store and they called 9-1-1. The doctors are in with him now.”
I still can’t process what she’s saying. My ears feel like they’re full of water and she sounds muffled. My brain doesn’t seem to grasp the urgency of what she’s telling me.
“I’m sorry, what?” I ask again. Ben just sent me a photo of him and the puppy . . . at the pet store. “Ben’s at the pet store buying a dog.”
“Yes ma’am,” she says. “He collapsed and they called emergency services. He’s been transported to Beaumont General for care.”
“Oh, God.” I cover my mouth. “I’ll be right there.” I hang up and apologize to Phillip, telling him I’ll be in touch. Grabbing my purse, I head to the reception area where Betty Paige sits at the front desk. “Call your dad and tell him Ben’s been rushed to the hospital. And call . . .” I try to think of who else, but no one comes to mind except my sister.
“Don’t worry, I’ll call my dad and Peyton and let her know, and I’ll close up here.”
“Thank you, Paige.”
For a moment I think about how mature she is for her age, but then all my thoughts are on Ben. Rushing to my car, I go through all possible scenarios. What in the hell happened? Everything has been going so well. How can he collapse? He just sent me the picture of him and the puppy, he looked fine.
Didn’t he ?
I want to look at my phone and analyze the image, but I can’t. I need to focus on the road and get to the hospital. My heart races when I have to stop at the red light. I contemplate running it because Ben needs me, but I wait. I’m impatient when the light switches to green and I lay on my horn. I turn my flashers on to let people know I’m in a hurry, but only the car in front of me moves out of the way. I’m sure they’re flipping me off, but right now, I don’t care. Everything in my gut is screaming that something is wrong. Is this what my mom felt like when she found out about my father?
No, the cops knocked on her door and drove her to the hospital. They came in the middle of the night, while Peyton and I slept in our beds. I don’t remember that night or much of my time with my father unless it’s through a story or an image. He’s an enigma and someone we talk about. When people around town talk about my father, they talk about a man I don’t even know. My sister and I know him through pictures and other people’s recollection of him. It’s weird to think of my father like that, but there’s really no other way.
No, this is what it felt like when I got the call about Peyton being in an accident even though I already knew something was off. Her loss is something I would’ve felt for the rest of my life, and being on a plane, stuck thousands of miles in the air without any communication with my family was the most unbearable and unimageable part of my life that I never wish to experience again. Knowing my sister was fighting for her life gutted me. I felt her pain, her anguish, and I could hear her cries inside my thoughts. When I closed my eyes, I saw it all, without knowing the truth. She is me and I am her. What I feel now is different. Ben’s a piece of me in ways only Peyton can understand because she’s the same with Noah. I know I have a hard time showing emotion when it comes to Ben because I expect him to know. I expect him to sense what I’m feeling and how much he means to me. It’s taken his diagnosis to show me how I need to be better at showing my affection. Everyone needs reassurances in life, Ben is no different. The small touches that I find enduring aren’t enough for him. He needs to be told and shown what he means to me. I pray I’m not too late.
I pull into the hospital parking lot and don’t slow down when I drive over the speed bumps. The rental car all but bottoms out, but I don’t care. The insurance can pay for it if I’ve done some damage. I park, taking up two spaces and don’t bother correcting the car. It can wait. Ben can’t. I run into the hospital and almost hit the glass doors because the motion sensor doesn’t sense my presence. I have to step back and wave my arms like the frantic woman I am in order for the doors to open. Once inside, I run to the nurse’s station.
“Ben Miller,” I say through ragged breath. “Lynn something or other called me about Ben Miller. Where is he?”
“Your name?” the man behind the desk asks without making eye contact.
“Elle James.”
He stares at me sympathetically and then starts typing. “I’m supposed to ask for your identification, but I went to school with Noah, so I know who you are. Ben’s on the fifth floor. ICU.”
“ICU?”
“I don’t have any other information on my end. They’ll explain more upstairs. I’ve told them you’re on your way up.” He stands and points down the hall. “Go down the hall, take the elevator to the top. When you come off, take the first left, go down the hall and press the button. One of the nurses will come out and talk to you.”
“Thank you.”
The elevator is taking its slow ass time getting to the floor I’m on, regardless of how many times I press the button. I know it doesn’t help, but it feels good to push my finger against the round disc. When the doors finally open, I wait for the people to get off and step inside. There are four other people in here and I can feel them staring at me. Visions of my mom, standing in this elevator and watching the numbers flash above, play in my mind. Only, my father never made it out of the emergency room. He died there, from his injuries.
I’m the last one in the elevator by the time it reaches the fifth floor. Such a small place compared to the hospitals in Los Angeles. I guess in some respects this is better. In others, I’m not sure this is the right place for Ben. Everything I agreed to, with his care being moved here, is coming back to haunt me.
I follow the directions from the nurse downstairs and find the button I’m supposed to press. Someone from the other side of the door tells me they’ll be out in a minute after they ask my name. After what seems to be an eternity, a doctor dressed in scrubs comes out and calls my name.
“I’m Elle James. Where’s Ben?”
“I’m Dr. Franklin,” he tells me. “Let’s go sit.” He motions for me to walk, but I’m frozen in place. I need my mom, my dad, Peyton, or someone to hold me up because my knees are about to buckle.
No, I need Ben.
“I don’t want to sit.”
He nods and clasps his hands in front of him. “Ben came in with a fever of one hundred four and a severe infection in his leg that spread rapidly. He has sepsis and we’re monitoring the damage it’s done to his kidneys. Right now, it’s touch and go. He’s in a medically induced coma at the moment. We’re hoping to avoid surgery due to his compromised immune system.”
“I don’t understand. I’ve read about sepsis, and we’ve been careful. How did he get an infection in his leg? The last infection came from his port.”
“Ben presented with a very deep gash on his calf. Did he recently cut himself on something?”
I shake my head. “No. We spend most of our time together unless he’s getting chemo. He never said anything to me.”
“The wound should’ve been cleaned immediately, and treatment sought, especially with his compromised immune system.”
I nod. “He never said anything,” I say quietly. “What’s the . . .” I swallow hard. I’ve done all the readings. I know this is bad. “His uh . . .” I can’t bring myself to ask.
“It’s too early to say. He’s on an aggressive regimen of antibiotics but we’re battling his other medical conditions at the same time. It’s my hope we’ve caught it before it’s too late.”
It’s not the cancer trying to kill him this time.
“Can I see him?”
“Yes, come with me.”
I follow him into the intensive care unit and to Ben’s room. I pause outside his room. I can see him in bed, lying there. In a way, he’s being kept alive by the machines. They watch his heart rate, his oxygen levels, his blood pressure, and they pump drugs into his system.
“Jesus,” I whisper.
The doctor tells me to sanitize my hands before I go in and I do. He goes over the visiting rules, and I nod, knowing them by heart. I’ve been here before, but he doesn’t need to know this. I sit down and reach for Ben’s hand. It’s warm, like it was earlier this morning.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were hurt?” I ask him as tears stream down my face. I know full well he’s never going to answer me regardless of being in a coma or not. He’d do everything he can to save face with me, to appear stronger than he is.
“I don’t know what’s going on inside of your body, but I need you to fight, Ben. I need you to do what you can to get rid of it because I need you. I need you to be by my side for the rest of my life.”
“Ms. James?”
I look up at the nurse standing in the doorway and wipe my tears. She doesn’t wait for me to answer or acknowledge her.
“There are people in the waiting room,” she says as she looks at the piece of paper in her hand. “I’m to tell you, ‘your family is here, princess’.”
My dad is here .
I get up, kiss Ben on the forehead and tell him I’ll be right back. I follow the nurse out of the room and down the hall to the door. She tells me to press the call button when I’m ready to come back in.
As soon as I step outside of the door, my dad has me in his arms. “Daddy,” I mutter into the crook of his neck. “He’s so sick.”
“It’s okay, princess. I’m here now.” He steps back and looks at me. “You just be strong for Ben; we’ll be strong for you.”
“When did you get here?”
“About two hours ago. We wrapped up the tour and Plum is back in LA. I came right here.”
“Where’s Mom?”
“At home with Oliver. She doesn’t want to leave him with Grandpa unless Oliver’s napping.”
I completely understand.
Peyton joins us, and we hug for a moment before Dad puts his arm around me and walks us into the waiting room. The Westburys are there, with the exception of Noah. I thank Paige for taking care of everything at the studio and tell Liam she definitely needs a raise.
Mack steps forward and shows me his phone. It’s more pictures of the puppy. “Where did you get these?”
“I was at the store when Ben collapsed,” he says. “I had just gotten there and heard the clerk yell for someone to call 9-1-1. I called not knowing it was Ben until I peeked around the corner. I stayed with him until they took him, and I gave the medic your phone number to call.”
The declined calls .
“Anyway, the clerk said Ben was buying this little guy, so I took some pictures for you, and I told her you or someone would be back to finalize the transaction. So, he’s kind of on hold until the end of the day.”
I need this dog. I don’t know how I’ll take care of it if Ben isn’t around, but he wants this puppy and so do I. I hand Peyton my credit card and ask her to go back to the store with Mack to get the dog and all the accessories it needs. It’s a rash decision, but I don’t care right now. That little puppy made Ben’s eyes sparkle and I’m going to do what I can to make sure the sparkle returns.
While we’re sitting there, I realize I have to call Brenda. It’s never fun conversing with her, but she’s Ben’s mother and needs to know what’s going on. As much as I’d love to text her, I’m not that insensitive. I step away from my family and make the call.
“Brenda, hey, it’s Elle.”
“What’s wrong with Ben?”
I inhale deeply, wishing we had a better relationship. “He’s in the hospital.”
“What did you do?”
Oh, I don’t know, nurtured him, taught him what it’s like to have a family.
“You should come to Beaumont,” I tell her.
“So, help me, God. If he dies, I’ll sue you.”
Yep, of course you will.
“It’s hard to explain, but he has a bad infection and they’ve put him in a medically induced coma.”
“You know why this is, right?”
Nope, but you’re going to tell me.
I stay silent.
“If you hadn’t convinced him to return to that Podunk town, none of this would’ve happened. He was just fine when Brad and I were there, and now this.”
Never mind that Ben wanted to be here .
Before I can respond, my phone is taken from my hand. I stand there and watch Liam, with my mouth open.
“Brenda, Liam Page here. Listen, I don’t like the way you’re speaking to my niece. My suggestion, get to Beaumont.” He hangs up and hands my phone back to me. “I’m sorry, Elle, but enough is enough when it comes to her. Next time, text her. Go be with Ben. He needs you right now.”
Liam walks me back to the ICU door and waits with me until the door opens. “Let us know if you need anything, we’ll be right here, waiting.”
“Thank you,” I say as I give him a hug. “I love you.”
“Love you too.” He kisses the top of my head and urges me through the door.
In Ben’s room, the nurse tells me there hasn’t been any changes, not that I expected there to be, but I thank her and sit down in the chair next to his bed.
“Mack met the puppy,” I tell Ben. “He and Peyton are on their way to get him. I don’t know what we’re going to do with him right off, but I didn’t want to take any chances that someone else could buy him.” I laugh. “I don’t even know what kind of dog he is or anything, yet when you sent me the picture of the two of you, I knew we needed him. Now we just have to think of a name. It has to be something catchy though and nothing ordinary like Fido or Rover. We should make it unique. Something that will make people comment because of how it stands out.”
I rest my arms on the edge of his bed. “Of course, this means you need to wake up so we can do this together. It’s not fair to the puppy. I could see it in his eyes, he’s already in love with you, just as you are him.” I move my head to rest on his hand, thankful there are no tubes or wires coming from it. My tears wet his skin and the blankets covering him. I can’t stop them, even if I tried.
Ben needs a miracle.