24. Ben
ben
. . .
“ H appy anniversary.” I lean down and press my lips to Elle’s. She responds in kind and places her hand on the back of neck to pull me closer. I smile against her mouth and try to pull away. “Babe.”
“It’s been forever, Ben.”
I can’t help but laugh. “It’s been hours.” A lesser man would be upset if his wife didn’t remember the last time he made love to her, but I know Elle’s joking. It’s been an ongoing joke between us since my medicine made me delirious and I’d forgotten her name once. In my defense, I was sick and in the hospital.
“Hours to you, feels like months to me, Ben.” Elle tries again to pull me on top of her. I oblige, but with no intentions of making love on the couch. Those days are long past us. When you have children running around, they can walk in on you any time. The last thing they need to see is my white ass thrusting in the air.
Instead, I lie down next to her and she rolls over onto her side. “I can’t believe we’ve been married for ten years now,” I say to her while her finger toys with the buttons on my polo shirt.
“That’s a long time, right?”
I nod. “There was a time in my life . . .” My voice trails off. I don’t need to finish my sentence because we both know exactly what I’m going to say. There was a time in my life when I thought we wouldn’t end up together. Yet here we are celebrating our ten-year anniversary.
“Do you remember our wedding?” I ask as I push her hair behind her ear. In all our time together, she hasn’t changed, hasn’t aged. It’s like I’m still staring at twenty-something Elle James.
“Do you?”
I nod. “I remember you walking down the aisle in your mermaid style dress. You had a veil over your face and held the bouquet Josie made for you. Your dad beamed with so much pride as he walked you down the aisle. It seemed like it took forever for you to get to me though.”
“Sounds beautiful.”
“It made me anxious, but truthfully, I didn’t care. It prolonged our moment. Some wedding ceremonies are so fast. I’m glad ours was slow.”
“What else do you remember?” she asks.
“I remember how perfect and flawless you looked, just like you look now. Never a hair out of place.” I place a kiss on the tip of her nose. “Your hair was curled, and you kept it down, which I love.” My finger twirls a strand of her hair. “Our vows, though, sometimes I forget those. I know I told you how much I loved you, and you me. We promised to always be friends, no matter what, and I know you’re my best friend.”
“What did you tell me that day?” she asks.
“I told you that I’d love you until the day I died, and you said you’d never let me go,” I tell her.
“What else?”
“I remember slipping your wedding band on, and thinking how lucky I was you chose me to spend the rest of your life with. You could’ve had any man out there and you chose me . There have been so many times I’ve asked myself how or why.”
“Did you find the answer?”
I shake my head. “Nope. I’m so ordinary it’s unbelievable especially when you’re you and I’m so plain.
“Who am I?”
“My wife and the mother of my children. Our kids are beautiful because they look like you.”
“They must look like you, if they’re part of you,” she says.
“I hope not. I’m damaged.”
Elle stares at me for a long moment. I decide I want to sit outside. “Come on, let’s go sit outside on the porch. I want to rock in our chairs and watch the children play.”
I take her hand and help her stand. We walk out to the front. The kids are there, playing. We sit in the white rockers and continue to hold hands. “Why’s the water so close to the grass?”
“You tell me,” Elle says.
“I don’t know. Where’s the sand?”
“I don’t know. Can you find it?”
“Weird. Do the kids seem fuzzy to you?”
Elle shakes her head and looks off into the distance.
“Maybe I have a headache,” I tell her.
We continue to rock back and forth. I close my eyes for a bit, hoping that when I open them, everything will be clear. I take a couple deep calming breaths and open my eyes. Nothing has changed. There’s a gray haze covering everything.
I call for the kids to come to me, but they don’t. They don’t even look up. They continue to play and ignore me. Anger sets in and I look at Elle. “Why are they ignoring me?”
She shrugs. “You have to call them by their names.”
I think hard, trying to remember their names, but my mind draws a blank. I look at my wife. Why can I remember our wedding but not our children. “What are their names?”
Elle shrugs again. “You never told me,” she says. “It’s your dream, Ben. You make our lives the way you want them. I only know what you tell me. I’m only here because you bring me with you.”
“You knew your vows,” I point out.
“Did I? Or did you tell them to me?”
I think about what she says and become more confused. “I don’t think I like it here.”
“You can leave if you want.”
“Where will I go?”
“Only you know,” she says.
Why can’t she just give me the answer.
“Whose kids are those?” I ask, pointing to the small group playing. There are three, maybe four . . . no, there are only two of them.
“You tell me they’re ours, but I don’t know them.”
“I want to leave.”
“Then you have to wake up.”
“How do I do that?”
Elle shakes her head. “I don’t know.”
“You’re not helping.”
“I know and I’m sorry. I love you, Ben. Maybe if you believe me, you’ll wake up.”
“I don’t think it works that way.”
Elle smiles.
“Why are you smiling?”
“Because you want me to.”
“If I want you to cry, will you?”
“Yes.”
“Weird.”
“Yes, dreams are weird.”
“If I wake up, will you be there?” I ask her.
“I’ll always be there, Ben.”