Chapter 4 Griffin
GRIFFIN
Toby was breaking.
I could see it little by little, the way his attitude faded and he was replaced instead with a creature who knew to always say yes. I should’ve been happy, and in some ways I was…
But it felt hollow.
I’d only wanted him to bend. I’d wanted him to come around, to accept this, but I hadn’t wanted to lose everything he was. A silent pet wasn’t what I’d planned on…
Because I’d wanted companionship.
I tried to be happy that he was coming around, that I’d have what I wanted, but this wasn’t what I’d wanted. Not really. And if it had been…
I didn’t want it anymore.
I didn’t, couldn’t, work. I sat at my desk for a long time as my smile faded and my satisfaction at his obedience dwindled until I was brooding. I needed to stop. I needed to man the fuck up.
I needed to figure out how to get a pet with personality.
I had to rebuild him now that I’d broken him.
The thought haunted me, because I had no idea how. I’d thought this would be… not easier, not really, but different somehow. It only got harder as I was faced with all the changes I’d brought about — the changes I’d wanted…!
Yet the smiles were forced.
I sighed and got up, finally abandoning all pretense of working, and returned to the bedroom. I was terrified of what I’d see, that he might have slipped deeper into what we’d both thought I wanted.
Instead, I was faced with a creature with determination burning brightly in his eyes as he… meowed.
I stared at him, mouth slightly open, as I tried to figure out what the fuck was going on. I’d left a broken thing behind, not this.
Not… a cat.
“No,” I said firmly after my shock wore off. “You’re a puppy. Puppies bark when they want something.”
He meowed again.
I ran my hand through my hair, wracking my brain to figure out what the hell I was supposed to do now. I was flustered, and I hated that I was showing it. I tried to always be in control, confident, even though half the time it was an act.
Right now, I couldn’t even muster that.
“I said no,” I told him, but my voice was weak instead of stern. If he was going to act like any pet, did it matter if he was a cat or a dog?
Yes, because all of my plans and preparations had been predicated upon him being a puppy. I had no idea how to handle a cat. I’d never had one of the fiercely independent, stubborn things.
He was watching me, wariness reflected in his features despite the show of bravado. He never was very good at playing pretend, but then, this was something else entirely, wasn’t it?
He meowed a third time, even going as far as to tentatively paw at the front of the kennel. His cheeks were burning, and an answering thrum of arousal ran through me at the sight of his humiliation and his… willing acquiescence. Wasn’t this what I’d wanted? Just in a different package?
I scrubbed at my face with my hands, trying to come to terms with what I was seeing — hearing, really, because he wasn’t doing a whole lot as he gauged my reaction. There wasn’t much of one, not really, not when I couldn’t decide what the hell was going on in my own head.
“Fuck,” I muttered. I hated that he was seeing me at such a loss. I prided myself on never being at uncertain in front of him, on knowing what to do at all times — or at least being able to pretend I did.
But he’d thrown me for a loop, and now here we were.
“What are you doing?” I finally asked.
“I thought that was obvious,” he said with a familiar amount of sass that left my heart racing.
It was still there. He was still there. But at the same time, that meant he wasn’t going to be what I wanted, yet… I couldn’t make sense of what was going through my own mind.
“Don’t snark off at me,” I warned him.
Whatever it was he saw in my face had his mouth closing as fast as it had opened.
I sighed. “You can’t just start meowing and think that’s going to change anything. I wanted a pup, and I’m going to get a pup.”
“But what if you could have a kitten instead?” he asked hesitantly, his voice almost too soft to hear. “What if…” He swallowed hard, throat working. “What if I wanted it?”
A shudder ran through me. The idea of him surrendering because he wanted to instead of because I was forcing him was entirely too appealing. “You don’t really want it,” I said, my voice rough.
“You’re right,” he said.
It stung, and I flinched.
“But if I’m going to be your pet, I’d rather be a cat than a dog.” He was pleading, looking at me with eyes I could drown in, and there was so much conviction in his voice.
How had he come to this conclusion? What had happened to make him decide he was going to go along with it but on his own terms?
I didn’t like the idea of him making the decisions for himself, but at the same time… If it meant he’d go with it willingly, could I really afford to say no?
I exhaled slowly, trying to figure out what the fuck to do. “Okay,” I said after a long moment. “Okay.”
He looked so hopeful that he was almost like a lost little puppy for a moment, and I felt a pang. That was what I wanted. I wanted that loyalty, that dedication, that devotion. A cat would never show those things. I could’ve had a real pet, but I wanted more.
He knew that. He knew my back was against the wall, and he was taking advantage of it.
He was taking advantage of me.
But if I would get something close to what I’d wanted…
“Okay?” he prompted, fear briefly flitting across his features.
I sighed. “Yes. Okay. But,” I pointed a finger at him, and he flinched, “that doesn’t mean you get to do whatever you want. You’re still going to obey me. You still go in the kennel, you still get bathed, you still wear what I want you to wear, and you still do what I want you to do. Understood?”
“Yes, Master,” he said.
The words were like a balm to my fractured soul, and I gazed at him for another long moment as I rolled them around in my mind. I wanted it to always be this way. I wanted him to always speak to me like that, so hopeful and sweet.
“The first thing I’m going to do is get you a butt plug with a nice fluffy tail,” I told him, a bit cruelly.
He blanched.
“Are you going to wear it without complaint, little kitty?”
He bit his bottom lip, and I ached to kiss him and flick my tongue across the marks he was leaving there. I wanted to let my tongue delve into his mouth, to explore and taste him, to claim what was mine in truth.
“Yes,” he finally whispered.
Now that the idea had started to settle in, I had ideas for what I could do with a kitty instead of a puppy.
I’d have to order some new equipment and supplies, but I could do that.
I’d just need to do a little bit of research to see what I was in for — assuming, of course, he had any idea what proper kitty play actually consisted of.
I’d probably have to teach him that it was about more than just meowing and wearing a tail.
I’d have to teach him that there was just a little attitude that would have to be mixed into his submission and that he’d be walking a fine line between too much and not enough.
I didn’t think he’d completely thought this through, and that thought alone was enough to make me embrace the idea more.
As long as he stayed off balance, I stayed in control.
He may have seen me at a loss for a few moments, but that was it. He wasn’t going to see me like that again, even if I was struggling to figure out a situation.
“Good,” I told him, nodding.
If he started neighing next, the entire thing was being called off and he’d return to being a puppy…
Broken or otherwise, even if the thought made me more than a little uncomfortable.
I wasn’t going to put up with his games. I was giving him one option to choose what he wanted to be, even though I didn’t want to. One. No more. Not again.
Except I had the feeling that I was falling into those eyes. He’d be able to manipulate me again and again as he stole what he wanted from me, even as I desperately sought a way to bring him to me. I didn’t want to get played, but that was exactly what was happening, wasn’t it?
“If you’re fucking with me…” I began, not even sure how to complete that thought.
He swallowed hard then replied, “I’m not. I just got the idea today, and it seems… like something I can manage better. Being a puppy makes me want to crawl into a hole and die.”
Ouch. I flinched despite myself.
“But the idea of being a captive kitten doesn’t fill you with those same feelings?” I asked, my voice more than a little sharp.
“No,” he said softly. “It’s… If I’m going to be here…”
Of course he had to be here.
“Then I’d rather be something that feels a little more… you know… like me.”
“You mean like the cruel little asshole you came in here as,” I said. Maybe I was being a little defensive, but he hadn’t exactly been kind.
Then again, I hadn’t exactly given him much choice about being here with me.
“I was upset!” he said hotly. “I didn’t want to be here, okay?”
“Didn’t.” I seized upon the word, briefly letting it fill me with hope before I got control of myself again.
“Now it’s not so bad,” he mumbled. “I mean, I’d go home in a heartbeat if I could.”
Of course he would. The thought filled me with bitterness.
“But I can’t. So…”
It felt like we were going around in circles, but I couldn’t seem to bring us to anything new. Over and over, my mind kept replaying the conversations we’d had when he’d first arrived. He’d been a little shit before I’d started to break him.
Now that he was a little bit broken, he was much easier to deal with.
But a cat…!
I ran my hand over my forehead, trying to come to terms with all that had happened today. I had to let go. If he was going to behave, to come around willingly, then I was going to take advantage of that.
Resolve strengthened, I strode over to the kennel and unlocked it. I opened the door, gesturing for him to come out. “Come on,” I told him. “Let’s see about dinner, then we’ll talk about this some more.”
Or rather, I’d talk, and he’d listen and obey. That was the only way this was going to happen.