Chapter 11 Ryder
RYDER
Icouldn’t move.
If I moved, he’d notice my body’s shameful betrayal, the fact that I was hard and I didn’t even understand why. It wasn’t like I enjoyed the taste of his cum on my lips and tongue. It wasn’t like I’d enjoyed blowing him either.
But for some reason, there I was, and I didn’t know how to make the erection go away before he noticed it.
Any second now, he was going to notice that I hadn’t budged, and his eyes would rove over my body like they so often did, and he’d realize not everything looked the same.
He’d realize that he’d somehow coaxed another shameful erection out of me, and I didn’t know what he’d do about it. Would it be another furtive handjob in the dark? Would it be something more?
Would he…
I shuddered, the idea of him putting his mouth on me so abhorrent that I could barely even comprehend it.
Except my cock didn’t shrink, even a little, at the thought. Somehow it made it that much worse.
“Toby?” He turned when he got to the side of the bed, frowning when he realized I hadn’t budged.
I berated myself. If I’d just moved, he wouldn’t have had a chance to notice.
Then again, if I’d moved, he might’ve noticed that much faster.
I couldn’t win, but that was the constant when I was with him. I never, ever won. The only small victory I’d had was when I’d asked for kitty play, and he’d even found ways to make me question whether that was a good decision. Better than being a pup, but a good idea? Not so much.
I just wasn’t sure what the alternative could be.
Human. I want him to treat me like I’m human.
Except he had, and now I was tied in knots about it.
He might’ve called me kitten, but there’d been nothing bestial about that blowjob — at least, not on my end. On his, there might’ve been a little too much pressure, a little too much insistence, but on mine? No. I’d just taken what he’d given me… like I was human. Like we were both human.
“Come here,” he told me, his eyes trained on me.
Fuck. If he hadn’t noticed, he was going to notice now, then that would be the end of it all. But if I didn’t move…
I started to crawl toward the bed, fervently hoping he wouldn’t pay attention to my shameful little secret, but I heard his sharp inhalation of breath and knew he’d seen it.
Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes, and all I could do was continue my trek toward the bed, toward him.
“Toby…”
I didn’t look up at him. I didn’t dare. I didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that I was hard, let alone the fact that he knew. But he was going to make me, because that was how he was. That was what he did, and there was no escaping it. Maybe if I’d just moved when he’d first told me…
But no. He’d have noticed anyway. It was only a matter of when.
I was freaking out and afraid, and it made no sense that my stubborn erection wouldn’t wilt.
“Please don’t,” I whispered. I knew better. I knew he wasn’t going to back down, not when he’d seen it.
Not when he’d seen me.
“Do you want help with that?” he asked, his voice too gentle, almost like an unwanted caress.
I shivered, almost able to feel that touch because of the intensity of his gaze upon me. I shook my head. I wanted to scream no but I couldn’t make the word form. I couldn’t say anything, only choking on the word before it could escape my lips.
Would he take the lack of speech as permission? Would he think I was just too embarrassed to admit I wanted it?
Or would he respect me enough to—
That was laughable, and a choked half-laugh escaped me then as I shook my head again.
He knelt beside me, leaning in to place a careful kiss on my shoulder.
I shuddered then, wanting to beg him to back off but knowing it wouldn’t make a fucking difference. Nothing I did would.
“Toby,” he urged, his hand sliding down my arm.
My heart skipped a beat, and I squirmed, trying to pull away from him. His fingers wrapped around my arm, and he kept me in place.
“Don’t pull away from me,” he said in that voice, the one that meant the darkness was rising inside of him.
I whimpered, wanting nothing more than to do just that.
“Please don’t,” I finally managed to say, not pulling against him but not moving closer even as he urged me to rest against him.
At the very least, my cock wasn’t as hard anymore, on a quick path to softening now that the fear was rising up within me once more. It might have been traitorous when I’d blown him, but now that I was afraid of what he might do, it was faltering fast.
At least there was that.
He didn’t seem to notice. His fingers didn’t move, still gripping me and keeping me in place, and he tugged me slightly toward him. I couldn’t do anything but shift, moving ever closer to him, and my heart pounded too fast, audible to my ears as the blood rushed through my body.
“Come here,” he said again. He leaned in, his lips brushing gently against mine. “You’re such a good kitten,” he murmured against my lips. “My good Toby.”
Could I even say I wasn’t Toby anymore? Could I even say Ryder was still here? Why was I even fighting this? I was only going to lose. At least if I pretended to be someone else, I could separate myself from what I was becoming.
But I couldn’t help but wonder how much I was pretending when I responded to his soft, sweet kiss, letting his hand drift farther down my arm. I wanted to beg him not to touch me.
I wanted to beg him not to stop.
What had he done to me?
I couldn’t help but wonder, too, what I’d done to him.
He wasn’t the same man he’d been when I’d first gotten there, but I wasn’t sure what he was turning into was much better.
He’d been a beast of a man then, terrifying and sadistic, and these days…
He was more likely to stroke my hair than he was to hurt me.
That didn’t mean he didn’t hurt me at all. I could see the look in his eyes when he did, when tears fell from my eyes and streaked down my face. I could see how much it turned him on, and he didn’t even bother to try to hide it.
Why would he? I was his slave, after all, and there was no reason for him to pretend to be something he wasn’t…
but I wasn’t sure even he knew what he was, not anymore.
He’d already changed too much for me to think he was all that stable.
It was terrifying because it meant the rules could change at any given moment, leaving me lost and unsure all over again.
Then again, I hadn’t exactly stayed the same either. I’d lost so much of myself that I really had become Toby — because this sure as hell wasn’t who Ryder was.
There was a certain measure of peace to that thought. It wasn’t me. I wasn’t in control. Toby was another entity altogether, and—
And it struck me then that this was exactly what he’d been going for.
I hadn’t understood it before, but I did now.
He was trying to erase Ryder, but he was giving me the chance to become something new.
He was giving me an out, and cleverly so, and it was a trap I’d fallen headfirst into.
I’d never seen it coming, and it hadn’t been until it worked that I’d realized what was going on.
“You knew,” I whispered.
“Knew what?” he asked, his hand leaving my arm before settling at the nape of my neck. His lips found the spot just below my right ear, and he began to kiss down my throat.
I shivered, his hot breath on my skin making me respond all over again. So help me, those soft nips and kisses were having more of an effect on me than they should ever have had. I swallowed hard, trying desperately to refuse my own responses.
Why was he doing this to me?
“Toby,” I said, closing my eyes.
His fingers lightly stroked the back of my neck as he kissed down to my shoulder blades, and I was keenly aware of the fact that I was naked for the first time in a long time.
Even when I’d been so self-conscious about my erection, it hadn’t stricken me this hard.
But now, I knew, and I knew he could see every little reaction, every little twitch.
He could hear every single whimper, too.
“What about you?” he asked, nipping lightly before his teeth bore down, tongue lashing against my skin.
I cried out, but it didn’t deter him. He sucked and bit the skin, and I knew what he was doing.
He was marking me.
Dread suffused me, leaving me at its mercy — at his mercy — and so help me, my cock slowly started to harden again. I should’ve hated it, the slight pain and the misery, but my body liked it.
Just as it had apparently liked him taking charge of me and pushing into my throat, leaving me at his mercy, leaving me gagging around him.
My hand went to the back of his head, wrapping my fingers in the strands of hair, and I considered pulling him back.
He wouldn’t like it; I knew that much. But I couldn’t keep liking this either.
I didn’t know what it would do to me if he truly brought pleasure to me all over again when I was already aroused because of him.
The last time had been rape, pure and simple. This time…
I wasn’t even saying no.
It would still be rape.
I still enjoyed his touch, even though I wanted to scream at him to stop. I didn’t know what to do, and I sat back on my heels, hard.
He pulled away as I did, but his fingers brushed the hickey he’d left. Satisfaction lacing his expression, he murmured, “You look so beautiful with my mark on you. Do you know that, Toby?”
He was calling me Toby more and more, drilling it into my head until I was no longer sure where Ryder ended and Toby began — or maybe where Toby ended and Ryder began.
I just didn’t know.
“Do you want me to touch you, kitten?”
A dangerous fucking question. If I was honest, the answer would be no — and he’d get upset, just like he always did, when I tried to refuse him. He might touch me anyway. But if I wasn’t honest, he’d definitely touch me, and I’d have to face the fact that I liked it.
I wasn’t ready for that, not then, not by a long shot.
“I’m not ready,” I told him, deciding that honesty was the best way to handle this — honesty, sugar-coated and delivered to him upon a silver platter. It was the best I could do, offering an answer that was somewhere between truth and lie.
He sighed, watching me for a moment. “Your body is,” he said softly. He reached out, running his finger along the tip of my cock.
I let out a strangled sound as it jumped, as it responded to his touch, and I shook my head fervently. “I’m not… I’m not ready. Please,” I pleaded. “Please give me time.”
“I’ve given you a lot of time,” he said, as though he expected me to be grateful that he hadn’t done any of this before. “How much do you need?”
Was it a legitimate question, or was it a trap? I didn’t know.
Fuck, I didn’t know, and I didn’t know what to do.