Chapter 42
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
POLLY
You tell me that magic is just desire made real. Maybe spells are nothing more than words that you believe with all of your heart.
Deborah Harkness, Shadow of Night: All Souls Trilogy Book 2
T he next several days were filled with sleepless nights as my kids took turns vomiting and having diarrhea. Thank God for Jace, who stayed up with me when the kids got sick at least once per hour that first night . He ran to the store for Gatorade and saltines without question and at one point called Sam who dropped off an industrial strength carpet cleaner. Thankfully, neither Jace nor I got sick. Plus, I got to miss Sunday brunch with my father, so it was a ‘you win some, you lose some’ kind of situation.
On Tuesday night, Jace came home to see us all snuggled under blankets in the theater room. He carried a large basket from Sienna and Rae, packed to the brim with cookies, wrapped loaves of bread, and a cryptic note tied to a bundle of sausages.
By Wednesday morning, the kids seemed back to normal. I was exhausted but felt marginally better after a full night’s sleep—even though I was a little disappointed I was in my bed all alone.
I was a lot disappointed I was alone.
I was pretty sure that whatever GI bug felled my kids, also killed whatever romantic feelings Jace had for me. Besides last night, when he tilted my chin up to assess the dark circles under my eyes, Saturday morning was the last time he’d touched me. Ryla was bouncing around the house with energy, up at the crack of dawn, so I couldn’t even talk to Jace like normal when I left for work that morning.
Later that afternoon, I took a late lunch to meet Leah at Daisy’s Nut House for donut-burgers. She’d been raving about them, and I understood why. Donut? Yes. Burger? Yes. Donut-burger? Hell yes.
“Before I forget,” Leah said after taking a fortifying sip of her iced coffee, “we told Eric he can bring a friend along bowling to Belle’s birthday party next Friday and he wants to ask Ryla. I thought I’d ask you first.”
“Would I have a problem with Eric inviting Ryla to the party?” I repeated, lifting my eyebrows. “Leah. I wouldn’t mind if Eric wanted to marry Ryla. I’d start saving for her dowry tonight. Though, I’d watch her with a bowling ball if I were you. You sure you don’t want me to come?”
“Nope, kids only. Belle made that very clear. We’re only invited because ‘we’re the money.’ I’ll plan on bringing Max and Ryla home with us from summer school on Friday so we can take them to the party. The party should last about four hours or so. Take the free time and run!”
We were laughing when our food was delivered. The donut-burger looked amazing. I’d lost my appetite the last few days, but it was back with vengeance. After taking a bite, I looked at Leah with wide eyes. She nodded as if silently saying, S ee? I told you. She then proceeded to take the largest bite of a burger I’d ever seen in real life. At least one third of her donut-burger was gone.
“How is this so good?”
“Grease and sugar,” Leah mumbled, her mouth full. After swallowing, she asked. “So, purple tips,” I rolled my eyes, “how’s it going with your nanny ?”
She said nanny so suggestively I was tempted to roll my eyes again. Not that I hadn’t been expecting the question. Leah had been texting me nonstop since Saturday.
“It’s going great. The kids love him.”
Leah gave me a flat look. “Not good enough. You’ve ignored my text messages enough. Spill.” She took another gigantic bite with relish.
Craning my head around us, seeing no one within earshot, I turned back to Leah and lowered my voice. “You can’t tell anyone. But Jace and I . . .” I didn’t finish, not really knowing how to. Because really, what were we?
Thankfully, Leah didn’t need clarification. A very pleased and very smug expression overtook her face.
“I knew it! Thatta girl. Way to get back on the horse. Soooo.” Leah’s eyes flashed as she took a sip of her iced coffee and smacked her lips. “How was he? Are we talking bases? Home runs?”
It was impossible to hide the giddy smile that came over my face when I thought about Jace. “I don’t even know how to put what’s happening into words. Amazing? Surreal?”
“I told you he was a unicorn.”
“You did. And he’s better than anyone I’ve ever seen with the kids, possibly even Giselle. He completely gets Ryla, and Max has opened up so much. I know he’s younger than me but being with him feels easy. I laugh more than I ever have. And Jace is so himself . Unapologetically. It makes me want to be that brave. To try new things. It’s freeing and all the things I want.”
“But . . .” Leah dragged out the word.
“But then my kids got the plague, and he hasn’t touched me for four days so I’ve pretty much convinced myself that it’s over. If it’s not, it’s only a matter of time before he figures out this wasn’t what he signed up for and leaves. I can’t let the kids lose yet another person in their lives. It’d break them. And what about what’s best for Jace? He wants to go back to college to study teaching. Is being here, with us, with me, really what he wants? And that’s not to mention the fear that my father is going to find out about all this.”
Leah was frowning and shaking her head before I finished.
“First,” she held up three fingers and started ticking them off, “vomit takes any sexual desire from your body and kills it dead. I wouldn’t take that one personally. Second, it’s up to Jace to decide what he wants, not you. And third, your father is a Grade A Pensis who deserve a nice vacation in my butthole.”
I snorted, almost choking on my iced coffee as Leah calmly picked up and took another bite of her donut-burger.
“How long have you been waiting to say that?”
Leah put her hand over her mouth while chewing. “A long time.”
I slumped back in my seat. “I haven’t talked to Jace about any of this, except that we’re keeping things private for now.”
“That’s your first step. Ask him those questions. The worst he can do is leave, right? And from what you’ve just said, it’d be better if he leaves now, rather than when the kids get too attached. If he does leave, then it wasn’t meant to be, and you don’t have to waste any more time finding someone worthy of your heart.”
“While that’s very kind, my fear is that maybe he could be the one. What if it’s too soon to have these serious conversations and I scare him off?”
Leah seemed to ponder this for a moment. “Ok. Answer this question. If you had no father to please, no world to judge you, what would you want?”
“I’d want my kids to be happy. I’d want to live in a house that I own free and clear. I’d want a job that I loved and felt passionate about, and . . .”
I looked at Leah helplessly, the plain truth suddenly causing my heart to ache.
“And I’d want Jace to be there with me, for all of it.”
In my mind, I’d pictured Jace beside me in each of those scenarios. I wanted a future with Jace. Or at least a chance at one.
I inhaled a shaky breath. “What if I do that, ask him for that, and he doesn’t want me—want us? I’m so tired of being hurt, Leah.”
In response, Leah, best friend of mine, didn’t tilt her head with sympathy. She didn’t come around the booth to give me a hug. She merely frowned and put down her burger, which was how I knew she really meant business. “Life is a risk. Weren’t you just telling me that you want to be brave? To be free and try new things? If there’s a future out there that you want, fight for it.”
“It’s not that simple—” I started, but Leah cut me off, eyes imploring and voice wholly serious.
“It is. It is that simple, Polly. You’ve always had these flashes of your true self come out here and there throughout the years. But now, it’s like someone turned on this light inside of you. Like you’re finally yourself. And you’re just as fucking great as I always knew you’d be.”
She reached across the table and gripped my hand fiercely, an intense look in her eyes even though they’d become glassy.
“It’s time to fight for you. Don’t let your head overrule your heart. Don’t give anyone up who makes you look and feel this alive, just because you think you’ll lose them. And certainly not because of what others may think. Think about you and your kids and what’s best for all of you.” She let go of my hand and picked up her burger, shoving the rest of it in her mouth. “To hell with everyone else.”
I brushed away a tear and smiled at Leah, suddenly remembering one of my first memories of her.
“You know that day in second grade when Steven Barns shoved his pet snake in my face during show-and-tell and you stomped on his foot?”
She nodded, then swallowed. “Little creep deserved it.”
“I won the lottery that day and didn’t even know it.” I reached across the table, placing my hand over hers.
“Damn, straight.” Her words were soft as she turned her hand over and gripped mine, squeezing twice.
After a few moments of making big spectacles of ourselves, Leah suddenly made a chopping motion. “Alright. Enough of this emotional crap. It’s time for a serious talk. I still require the answer to my question. And you know what that is.” Leah quirked her eyebrow and I groaned.
“Leah, we’re almost forty. We have children. Can’t I just call it sex and not a home run? I don’t even watch baseball.”
Leah’s look was flat as she shook her head.
“Fine,” I intoned, giving in. “But I don’t think I can use bases. Or home runs.”
Leah widened her eyes. “Are we talking grand slams?”
I nodded, not able to keep the grin off my face. “And Jace has a Louisville Slugger.”
* * *
After work that night, I walked into a quiet house. Any mother will tell you that when your house is quiet, start worrying.
“Jace? Max? Anyone home?” I was walking into the living room, wondering if someone was sick again before stopping short. Jace was standing at the bottom of the stairs, dimples popping.
I bit my lip, trying not to laugh nor tackle him to the ground like a cougar in heat. Because Jace was standing there, looking so ridiculously, goddamn cute in a tuxedo T-shirt and jeans, that my ovaries quivered.
“Jace. What in the world are you wearing?”
“Ho ho ho! ‘Tis not Jace, this evening, madam,” Jace said in a horrible faux-French accent. “Tonight, you may only call me Jacques!” He paired this with a flourish of his hand. I heroically smothered my laughter.
“Ze magic show es all ready for you and ze performers do not want to be kept vaiting.” Jace tsked and pointed to his watch. “And you are already late! Hurry, madam, I do not vant you to miss ze best seat in the house.”
Jace extended his arm for me to take. I swallowed hard as my fingers trailed along his biceps, the smooth touch reminding me how, after peeling off my leggings, he would lightly trail his fingers up my leg, making me shiver in delight.
Jace led me up the stairs to the playroom door, where a bedazzled Stage Door sign hung. He opened the door to the playroom and ushered me inside.
“Right zees way, ma chérie. Ve have a reserved seat for you. Ze best seat in the house!”
I gasped. The playroom had been transformed into a theater of sorts. The room was dark. The red rose curtains from my parents’ bedroom hung over some sort of wire to give the impression of stage curtains. Flashlights were propped up by pillows and placed at regular intervals along the floor, illuminating the curtains to make them seem like old fashioned stage lights.
I felt the sting of tears as I took in my mom’s curtains. I wasn’t mad, not at all. She’d have been so happy that someone was using them, especially if it was for something fun. Blinking away the tears, I saw two chairs facing the stage. Jace held out his hand, directing me to my seats. Totes Baa-goats sat on one seat while the other seat was empty except for a glittery paper complete with ribbon curls and stickers. In the center, bubble letters spelled: Welcome to the First Annual Alberton Magic Show. Tipping encouraged.
I laughed, taking a seat and Jace leaned down, whispering low and silky in my ear, “Ve have a very special show planned zis evening. Oh yes, only ze best for you.”
My inner thighs trembled. Was he trying to kill me?
Jace suddenly jogged to the middle of the makeshift stage and faced me, stretching his arms out wide.
“Madam and Totes Baaa -goats! Velcome to our show! It is my esteemed privilege to announce our first act. Ze great, and Ze powerful, Master Magician, Max-a-million!”
With that, Jace flung both arms toward the playroom door. It opened to reveal Max dressed in a black top hat, red bowtie, with a black T-shirt and pants. Max grinned shyly as he spotted me, and Jace and I hooted and clapped as he walked onto the stage.
“For ze first trick of the night, I present to you, Max-a-million, with”—Jace paused with dramatic effect, looking at my son, with nothing but sheer determination in his eyes— “ze Mad Hatter.”
Pride filled me as I watched Max pick up a hat from the table in front of him, take a deep breath, begin.
“Good evening. My first trick is the Mad Hatter. This may look like an ordinary top hat.” Max waved the top hat around, showing it to me and then glanced over to Jace, who was standing off to the side. Jace held up his thumbs in encouragement, mouthing some words, and Max immediately stood up straighter, throwing his shoulder’s back.
“But it’s not a normal top hat. It’s a magic top hat.” Steadily, Max placed the hat upside down on the table and waved his wand over it. “You can see that this hat is now filled with . . .” Max reached inside and started to pull out a green ribbon. “Ribbons!” He continued pulling, the ribbon turned first red, then blue, then yellow. He held the ribbons up when it was done, triumphant smile on his face as I clapped along with Jace. For the next five minutes, I sat stunned as Max continued to pull things out of the hat: a paper airplane, a yo-yo, and then, a bouquet of silk flowers which he presented to me.
At the end of Max’s act, Jace and I gave him a standing ovation. Jace walked back to center stage and clapped Max on the back. “Sank you, Max-a-million, for zose phenomenal tricks!”
Max waved as he walked out of the playroom. I clapped and whooped until he was gone.
Riveted, I turned my eyes back to Jace, who was now preparing the stage by placing a glass cup upside down over a quarter on the table.
Jace rubbed his hands together. “Next up, ve have another special act. Here, ees Lady Ryla?—"
“ Enraged Bacon !” came a whispered shout from the darkness beyond the door.
Jace paused briefly, taking a moment to absorb what Ryla had just whispered. But being the consummate professional he was, went right on with the show.
“Excusez-moi, ve have another special act. Here es, Enraged Bacon, ” Jace said this with gusto in his French accent, making me press my lips together, trying not to laugh, “with Show Me Zee Money!” Jace again held his hand out with a flourish toward the door.
Ryla burst in wearing a Batman mask, a feather boa, and her dress-up Elsa gown. Walking toward the stage as if to a sold-out crowd in a major arena, she waved and blew kisses to everyone and no one.
“Thank you, thank you!” Ryla announced, continuing to wave at her “audience”, making me laugh and clap all the harder until she held up her hands in a stop gesture. “Stop, geez. You’re embarrassing yourselves.”
I heard a squeak from Jace but kept my eyes on my daughter who was gesturing to the table in front of her.
“You will be amazed to see I can make this quarter disappear!” Ryla waved her hand over the quarter, her face alight with joy. Cupping her hands around the glass she slowly slid it to the side. Sure enough, the quarter vanished. I’d just been completely fooled, having no idea how she just did that.
“Ta-da!” Ryla cried to my and Jace’s wild applause.
“And if I do this,” Ryla cupped her hands around the glass again, “you will be amazed to see that I can make the quarter come back!” Ryla slid the glass back to its original spot and the quarter reappeared.
For the next twenty minutes, the kids took turns doing a few more tricks. Max came back to do a dollar folding trick, then Ryla with a disappearing crayon trick. Jace and I cheered wildly for each trick. I ate up their performances, my mother’s curtains flowing around the stage as if her spirit was alive and watching with us. My heart was dancing. The only time I’d felt more joy were the days my children came into this world.
As Max and Ryla took their final bows, I stood, giving them one last standing ovation, shouting, “Bravo!” over and over. Jace was also grinning and clapping over his head, pride shining out of each pore.
Once the bows were over, I rushed up to my kids, getting to my knees and gathering them up into hugs.
“Max-a-million! You were wonderful!” Max’s face was joyful, a big goofy grin on his face. I’d become so used to seeing him weighed down, that seeing him so light and happy took my breath away.
“Ahem,” I heard from beside me and turned to see the indomitable Enraged Bacon herself.
“And you!” I gathered up Ryla into a hug. “How did you do that quarter trick? You had me so fooled!”
Looking pleased as punch, Ryla peered up at Jace who had come up beside us. “A magician doesn’t reveal secrets, right Jace?”
Jace, who was standing there, dimples popping, merely nodded to her. Looking at my tiny Enraged Bacon like she was a sweet cherub instead of hell on wheels.
I’d never seen anyone champion my children as much as he just did. During our applause, he caught my gaze and put his hand over his heart. Look at what they did, he seemed to say. I suddenly felt hot and tight, my own heart pounding in my chest. Jace had turned the light on for my entire family, not just me.
Nervous anticipation filled my gut and lodged in my throat. Did we do the same for him?