Chapter 39
Chapter Thirty-Nine
KAIA
We had stopped for hot chocolate on the way home from our walk with Duke, and I had just finished my cup when Daisy started talking about his training. She was going on about how excited she was for him and how well he was doing with it, and I couldn’t stop smiling.
“Laurie said with the way he’s progressing, he should be ready to go—”
“I love you.”
She stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and blinked at me, lowering her hands slowly and placing them at her sides.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt you. What were you saying?” I asked, completely acting like I hadn’t just admitted that.
Why had I just admitted that? She was in the middle of a conversation, and this wasn’t the time or the place to say something like that.
I tried to pick up a reading on her face, but I was coming up blank.
I couldn’t tell how she was feeling, and it was setting me more and more on edge. Had I just made a monumental mistake?
“What?” She looked at me, confusion written across her face.
“You were talking and I just cut you off. I’m sorry. Keep going. Laurie said what?”
She just stared at me. “I… but… You love me?”
Oh, if only she knew just how much. I didn’t know a lot of things in this world.
I didn’t know every single country that existed or even where they were.
I didn’t know every language or religion.
I didn’t know anything about cars. But the one thing I did know was that I loved Daisy with everything I had.
“I do. This isn’t really how I wanted to tell you, but you just looked so beautiful in the moonlight, I couldn’t help myself.
Daisy, I love you. I’ve been in love with you for a long time.
I don’t expect you to say it back or anything.
I just wanted you to know.” I shrugged like we were having a casual conversation and my heart wasn’t trying to leap out of my body.
I never expected her to say it back, but I at least expected a smile or something. Instead, she only stared. And stared. And kept staring at me.
“Daisy?”
“Hang on. You’ve been in love with me? For how long?”
“A while. It doesn’t really matter. I’m sorry, are you upset about it? I thought you’d be happy. What we’ve been doing, I thought it meant something to you. Did I get it wrong?”
I was so embarrassed. I just confessed my feelings, and she wasn’t saying it back. She didn’t even seem happy about it. She almost seemed mad? That didn’t make sense. Who would be mad about someone being in love with them?
“It kind of does matter. How long is a while, Kaia? A few weeks? I’m not upset about it, and you do mean something to me, but I… How long?”
But? I meant something to her, but. That was never a good thing to hear. The night wasn’t going at all how I’d hoped it would, and I was not only heartbroken about it, but I was becoming a little irritated at her reaction.
“Daisy, please don’t ask me that, okay? Listen, just forget I said anything. We can go back home and watch a movie or something and forget that the fact that I love you seems to upset you.”
“Damnit, Kaia. How long?”
I groaned, tears threatening to spill out. “Since we first met, okay? The first time you looked at me and smiled. That’s how long.”
She blinked. And blinked. And gasped, frowning. “Four fucking years?! You’ve been in love with me for four years and didn’t say anything?”
I shook my head. “Of course not. What would I have said? ‘Oh, hey, bestie. Yeah, my dad’s sick but I want my heart broken more so I’m in love with you, but I know you don’t feel the same way so it’s okay.
I just wanted to tell you. Let’s go get pizza.
’ I’m sorry, Daisy. I shouldn’t have said anything.
If you’re not ready, it’s really okay. I just wanted to be honest with you. ”
She nodded slowly. “Thank you for your honesty. Let’s go home.”
She started to walk, but I stopped her. “Let’s go home? That’s it? You’re not even going to tell me how you feel about it? I thought you’d be happy at least.”
She frowned. “Happy? I’ve already been confused as to why I have feelings for my best friend, and then we started sleeping together and connecting more. I care a lot about you, Kaia, but this is a lot to handle, okay? You’ve had these strong feelings for years, and I just can’t do this right now.”
“I’m such an idiot. I told Drea. I should’ve known you’d never feel the same. I’m sorry I said anything.”
“You told Drea? She knows?”
“Daisy, everyone knows. Every single person on this planet knows how I feel about you. The mistletoe kiss—Drea intentionally mentioned it because she knew I’d never get the courage to kiss you first. When I first walked up to you, Drea was the one who told me to.
She knew I liked you and I was too scared to.
She told me to make up an excuse to go talk to you, so I used work as an excuse.
You know better than anyone that I can’t hide my emotions. Drea always knew.”
“You’ve done a pretty good job of hiding your emotions from me for four years, Kaia! I like you, I really like you, and I’m grateful you told me. I’m grateful you love me, but—”
“You don’t love me back.”
She shook her head. “Kaia.”
“No, it’s okay. I’ve always known you wouldn’t. I guess I thought since we were dating, that would change, but it’s okay. I think I’m gonna call Drea and hang out with them tonight. I think some space would be good for us.
“Kaia, what are you saying? Are we breaking up?”
“I don’t know, Daisy. I’m in love with you, and you don’t feel the same, which is fine, but I just need some time alone to adjust to that.”
“I didn’t say that. I just… can’t do this right now. Please, doodle.”
Tears started pouring out. “And you don’t have to. I can see it written on your face, Daisy. I’m giving you an out. I won’t be in the house tonight, so you can have your space back.”
“Fine. If that’s what you want.”
No. it wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted her to cry happy tears, not sad ones. I wanted her to say she loved me back. “It is.”
I turned and walked away, not letting her see as more tears slid down my cheeks and onto my shirt.
When I got home, I packed a small bag and threw it in my car. Daisy still hadn’t returned and I didn’t know if that was a good thing or not. I didn’t know what I’d say to her if I saw her. If I’d cry more. I didn’t want to think about it.
Somehow, I made it to Drea’s and rang the doorbell. It was late so she was either sleeping or… not sleeping.
She opened the door with a worried expression. She looked at the bag in my hand and up to my red and puffy eyes. “Oh honey, come in. What happened?”
“I’m sorry to just drop in in the middle of the night like this. I should’ve called,” I said through sobbing tears.
“Nonsense. It’s only eleven, sweetie, and you’re welcome here anytime, you know that. Blair’s sleeping. She has a big day tomorrow. Why don’t you come into the kitchen, and I’ll make you some tea? You can calm down and tell me what happened.”
I nodded and wiped away my tears. “Thanks, Dre.”
Drea shut the door behind her, and I headed toward the kitchen and sat at the table, waiting for her to force me to talk about what happened. I didn’t want to, but she’d get it out of me, anyway.
I couldn’t believe how terribly the night had ended.
Maybe I shouldn’t have blurted it out like that, but I just couldn’t keep it in any longer.
I needed her to know, and a part of me had thought she’d feel the same way.
No matter how I told her, her feelings, or not feelings, about me wouldn’t change. I was so stupid.
“Okay, what’s going on?” Drea put a cup of tea in front of me and sat down, a sad expression on her face.
I steadied myself and tried to let the words come out. “Well, Daisy and I were walking back from getting a hot chocolate. She was talking about training with Duke, and she looked so happy. She was glowing from the moonlight, and I couldn’t help it. I told her I loved her.”
“Oh shit!” She winced and lowered her voice. “Oh shit! I take it she didn’t take it so well?”
“I don’t know, honestly. I mean, she didn’t say it back, which I didn’t expect her to.
But she didn’t even smile. It seemed like she wasn’t happy about the prospect, which doesn’t make sense.
After everything these past few months, I thought she’d develop some sort of feelings, but maybe I was just a convenience to her?
I don’t know. Then I made it worse by telling her exactly how long I’ve been in love with her.
She asked, and you know I can’t lie to her. I’m such an idiot, Dre.”
I buried my face in my hands and let the tears spill out again. I messed up and probably ruined our friendship. No—I definitely ruined it. You can’t tell someone you’re in love with them, have them not feel the same, then go back to being besties.
“You’re not an idiot. And trust me, sweetie, you are not a convenience to her.
I see the way she watches you in the store and at class.
There’s a sparkle in her eyes. Maybe she just needs time?
I mean, you threw a lot at her at once, and she probably just needs to process it.
Give her some space. I’m sure it’ll all work out. ”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. But I can’t go back home tonight. Do you care if I crash on your couch? I’ll be gone early in the morning, so I won’t be any more of a bother than I’ve already been.”
“Stop that! You are no bother at all, and of course you can stay here. I have plenty of guest rooms for you to pick. You don’t need to sleep on the couch. You can stay as long as you need to, love.”
I managed the smallest smile before taking a sip of my drink,mixing my tea with my tears. I had fucked up everything. “Thanks, Dre. I’ll take one down here. That way I don’t wake you guys up when I leave.”
“Whatever you want,” she said with a smile. She kissed the top of my head and squeezed my arm before heading up to bed and leaving me to sulk alone in the kitchen.
After another thirty minutes of just staring into my mug, I rinsed it out and padded to the bathroom to rinse off my face, hoping the shame I felt would wash away with the dirt of the day.
I stupidly checked my phone one last time before turning it off and slipping under the covers.
I tried to calm my mind and focus on getting some sleep.
Tomorrow was the day to deal with the next steps and seeing Daisy again.
I closed my eyes, letting the darkness take over and preparing myself for the end of my friendship and relationship with Daisy.