Chapter 27
Kenzie
We spent hours picking out decorations online for our dorm and making fun of our siblings.
Lorelei and Logan were locals, only living twenty minutes off campus, and their parents were absolute sweethearts.
Their mom and dad made us a homemade Italian meal and reminded me so much of my own parents I almost hugged them. Rachel was cool too.
It was refreshing to feel so excited about moving in with my roommates and experiencing college with new friends.
But the joy conflicted with an internal battle that seemed to get worse each day.
I wanted to move into dorms, but dreaded the fact that I wouldn’t share a wall with Tanner anymore because, at some point, Tanner had worked his way up to being one of my favorite people.
My heart raced in anticipation on the drive back to the house.
My creative idea had hit me in the middle of eating pepperoni pizza.
Continue our fling, but never on days where he has a game the next day.
It’d leave one or two days a week when we could enjoy each other and fool around, while not committing to anything more than we could handle.
There was no way he’d not be up for that—I saw it in the way he stared at me, and was so gentle. God, I’m into him so much.
Giddy. I was giddy.
I’d been so worried about experiencing college I hadn’t thought about how easily Tanner could fit into my life.
He’d changed from being my brother’s friend to one of my best friends.
The base of all relationships is friendship.
Sure, I didn’t think either of us was ready for a relationship, but we shouldn’t have to end something that worked.
It didn’t make sense, the way he’d snuck into my life and made himself comfortable, but I wanted him to remain there. And I think he did too.
The Uber driver stopped the car just outside the driveway and I got out. Laughter rang from the porch, and I smiled at Carter, Felix and Aaron all sitting there with a couple of beers.
“Hey, gentlemen. Having a good night?” I chuckled at the sight of them, looking a little tipsy and real content with themselves. It also pleased me to see Aaron relaxing with people outside his tight-knit circle.
“Hell, yeah, pretty Hilly.” Carter slurred his words and I gave Aaron a look. He snorted, shrugged and belched.
“Okaaaay, I’m heading inside. No puking out here.” I pointed to all of them, one by one, and waited for someone to respond. Carter did with a fervent nod.
“Yes, ma’am.”
I laughed, darting up the stairs and into my bedroom.
No one was in the living room, or upstairs, from what I could tell, and I locked the door.
I gave myself one glance in the mirror to make sure I didn’t have anything in my teeth or on my face—that had happened to me before and it wasn’t a good look.
After ensuring I looked presentable, I went into Tanner’s room with my adrenaline pumping.
The room smelled like him, leather, sweat and his subtle cologne. I love the way he smells.
He sat on his bed, his shoulders slumped and head down looking at something on his lap—a phone perhaps—but he heard me, and my heart skipped a beat when his face lit up. Every one of his features morphed into joy and he stood, moving to pull me against him. “Kenzie, hey.”
“Goddamn, a girl could get used to a greeting like this,” I said into his neck.
He squeezed me, the hug lingering on and on, and each breath he took tightened his muscles.
I slid down his body, but he stopped me before my feet hit the ground.
He hoisted me up, rested my back against the door and brought his lips to mine.
Oh shit. He tasted like beer, but it didn’t bother me.
No. Not at all. He slid his tongue inside my mouth, sucking my bottom lip hard and kissing me with so much passion I whimpered.
This kiss was different. It was aggressive and hard, desperate and hot. It was as though all the air in the world would disappear if we broke our kiss, and I relished it. Each stroke of his tongue sent shivers to my toes, sending ripples of lust throughout my body. “Tanner, god. You’re…delicious.”
He stilled at my words, dragging his hands to my hips and setting me on the ground. His warm chocolate eyes looked anguished, not at all like the joy I’d seen when I first walked in. “What is it, TJ?” I asked, my voice shaking just enough for him to notice.
“You said you wanted to talk.” His tone was off. It wasn’t gentle or kind like I’d grown used to. Fuck. What’s happening?
My brain was fuzzy with that insane kiss and I took a second to remember it. He made no moves for us to go to bed, just remained standing. “Want to sit?”
“Let’s stand.” His expression hardened the longer I started at him. There were only a couple of inches between our chests, but it felt more—way more—as though I didn’t know this version of him with his hard expression, unkind tone and stiff shoulders.
“Okay?” I hesitated at the intensity of his face. Nerves exploded in my stomach when his rigid jawline seemed more intimidating than sexy, and I took a breath. “I was thinking about us.”
“We were just a fling, Kenzie,” he said through gritted teeth. “There wasn’t an us beyond the bedroom and our time is up.”
What the hell? “Right. I know. I misspoke.”
“What’s your idea?”
“Uh, well, to not end our fling.”
He groaned, his warm breath tickling my nose, and something like anger flashed in his eyes.
“I told you baseball will always come first. Nothing will change that fact and I report back tomorrow. I won’t have time for you, so please don’t ask for it.
You agreed to this.” He moved one hand to his hair, pulling the end of it.
“Right, that’s what we discussed.” I gulped and wished I could rewind time and stop it where his hands had been around me and my heart had felt full.
But I couldn’t, so I carried on in a weak voice.
“I just thought, maybe, if we agreed to only hang out when you didn’t have games the next day.
It wouldn’t be a relationship. I don’t think you or I envision having one for a good while, but, Tanner, I like spending time with you.
You’ve kinda become my best friend and I understand your dedication to the team and would never get in the way of it. I thought you knew that.”
He had a look of revulsion on his face, the lines around his mouth tightening into unhappy wrinkles.
My gut turned to lead and I almost felt as though I could throw up.
I’d put myself out there, telling him my idea, and I hadn’t expected this reaction at all.
Not even a little bit. He pushed away from the wall, moved to the other side of the room and hardly looked like the guy I spent my time with.
He swallowed hard, choosing to look at the ground.
“No. No, I can’t spend any more time with you. ”
“Because you don’t want to?”
He didn’t respond. He shrugged and held up his phone, showing the large numbers. Twelve-thirty. Officially, our last day. “Kenz, I have enjoyed every second we spent together, but it ran its course. We’re done. Simple as that.”
“Simple as that? I’m going to need more than a simple as that.”
“Don’t make it harder than it needs to be.
” He narrowed his gaze at me, glancing at his door for a second before returning to me.
“Baseball will always fucking come first—plus, you’re starting college.
You need to explore all life’s possibilities, not be trying to hang with someone who will never want to give you one hundred percent.
You said no boyfriends, and prolonging this would eventually lead to that, right? ”
“Not necessarily,” I mumbled, hating the way my lips shook and my fingers trembled. “Somewhere along the way, I got feelings for you and I’m not ready to say goodbye. That doesn’t mean a relationship. It just means more time. That’s all.”
He blinked real fast, his nostrils flaring, but he gave a firm shake of his head. “I’ll always care for you, Kenzie, but just as friends. As Aaron’s little sister. Agreeing to more of…this…is not something I’ll ever do.”
“Okay. Sure, yeah.” I will not cry. Nope. Hide it. “We promised to be honest. I guess…this is it. I’ll j-just head back to my r-room. Good luck, Tanner. You’re going to kill it tomorrow.”
He started to say something, but I was already through the bathroom door and into my bed before tears fell.
It made sense now, that kiss. It was a goodbye.
I didn’t try to rationalize my feelings, or hide them until later.
They took over my body and I cried myself to sleep—at the loss of something amazing, at the fact that our friendship was probably over, but also at the way he’d gotten me to love him unintentionally.
It was all-consuming and when it wasn’t reciprocated, it slashed my heart.
I let myself feel every emotion—something I didn’t do often—and I fell asleep with tears drying on my face.
Tomorrow would be a new day and I would face it then.
My eyes were a little red and that was the only indication of my miserable night of sleep.
I was a master at hiding my inner thoughts.
I’d had to be, all those years at home, and this was no different.
Deep breath in, then out, think of something safe.
Work. I work tonight. I thought of Clyde and bussing tables.
Yes, that works. With that on my mind, I walked downstairs around lunchtime in jeans and one of the Zwillows Pillows shirts they’d gotten me for my birthday. God, that was weeks ago.
So much had changed since then.
I had roommates I wanted to be friends with, I had a job I loved and kept me busy and I’d gone from having low expectations of love to falling head first into it with someone off-limits. It was a wild fucking ride I hadn’t signed up for and my poor heart couldn’t handle any more pain.