Chapter 29
Kenzie
Felix had a heart of gold, the smile of an angel, and yet I couldn’t get into the date, four days after the talk in my bedroom with Tanner.
Felix and I walked back from a wonderful dinner at a Thai restaurant and shared stories from our childhoods.
He had two sisters and missed his family like crazy.
A great guy. Handsome, polite and never talked about himself too much.
He would be the right person to give my heart to.
I just hadn’t gotten it back yet. We touched fingers accidentally as we walked, and I giggled, not feeling the rush of butterflies or tingles like I did with Tanner.
Felix took my hand in his and intertwined our fingers, swaying our hands back and forth as we approached the house.
“I can’t remember the last time I held hands with a girl. ”
“Me, neither,” I deadpanned, hating how guilty I felt. He deserved to have all my attention, not bits and pieces. I sighed and debated how to tell him. He stopped us in the driveway and put his hands on my shoulders.
“I’m going to be honest with you.”
“Oh?” My body tensed with whatever he was going to say. He smiled and brushed my hair out of my face.
“You’re incredible and I had an amazing time. I’ve had a crush on you since the first time I met you, but I know when someone isn’t into me.”
I closed my eyes, ashamed at how easy he could read me, but he lifted my chin with his fingers. His face held nothing but patience and I would’ve given anything to feel a spark with him. Just to get over Tanner. “Felix…”
“Look, don’t feel bad. I see your anguish and it’s okay. I had a great time with you and would love to spend more time with you, when you’re ready.”
“I feel awful about this. You’re…the best.” I winced, totally putting him into the nice guy category. “I’m not in the best head space right now and I was excited you asked me for dinner. It isn’t fair to you, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. We’re the new kids here. We can be friends, if you want?” He looked so hopeful that I nodded a little too hard and threw my arms around him.
“I really need a friend. I can be a good one for you, too,” I said into his neck. He ran his hands up and down my back, not going too far low, and squeezed. Then he released me.
“Friends it is.” His dark brown eyes—not the same color as Tanner’s but similar—sparkled at me, and he jutted his chin to the porch. “I’ll still walk you to the door.”
“Such a fucking gentleman,” I mumbled, earning a loud cackle from him. We rounded the sidewalk and approached the stairs. A large, dark figure sat on the porch chair in the dark. Tanner. Jesus.
“I do what I can. Oh, hey, TJ.” Felix waved and brought his hand to my face. “Until next time.”
“Thank you,” I said, hating how easy it was with him. He cupped my chin and gave it a quick squeeze before he walked back onto the street. Thinking about the conversation that was to come made my heart hurt, and I gave myself a pep talk.
He hasn’t changed.
He’s jealous, not committed.
He’ll break me even more.
I exhaled and put on my bravest face, spinning around and crossing my arms. “I’m assuming you ordered food because there would be no reason for you to be out here.”
“Did he kiss you?” His voice sounded scratchy, as if he hadn’t had a drink of water for days. I stared at his blue shirt, rather than his eyes, because seeing any pain in them would weaken my resolve.
“Not sure how it’s your business, but no. He did not.”
He sighed, relief evident on his face. “Did you have a good time on your date?”
“Why are you doing this?” I threw my hands into the air.
“We don’t have a future, Tanner. This is just prolonging the inevitable.
I might’ve said I didn’t want a boyfriend, but I do want someone I can go on dates with, introduce to my brother—hell, someone I can see more than two times a week if there isn’t a baseball game. ”
“Kenzie…” He got up from the chair and moved closer to me. He looked messed up, hair disheveled, dark eyes, stubble on his jaw he hadn’t shaved in a while. It would be easy to fall into that trap, so I opened the door. “Please.”
“Please, what, Tanner?” I snapped. My poor heart couldn’t handle any more sadness or angst. It was already filled with thoughts of my dad, starting college and my idiot brother.
“Tell me what I have to do.”
“There is nothing to do, okay? We want different things and the fling ran its course.” I hated how my eyes stung, and how the words felt like huge lies, clogging my throat with their falsehoods.
But it was better that way. The door shut and with it my control.
I ran up to my temporary room and counted down the hours until I could be at the dorm.
Two days later, I got my wish. Our housing coordinator emailed us that the dorms were ready for early move-in for those who’d signed up for it.
In a series of super-excited texts, Lorelei, Rachel and I decided I’d move in first since they were out of town.
I’d set up shop for them, get my bed ready and scope out our neighbors on each side.
I couldn’t wait to get out of the house.
Seeing Tanner walk around shirtless was enough to break the strongest woman.
It was as if he was trying to lure me back to him… and it almost worked, twice.
“Kenz, this summer went quicker than I thought.” Aaron plopped onto Jeff’s bed and gave me a long look. “You excited to move into the dorm with your new friends?”
“Yeah, I am.” I smiled and finished putting my belongings into my suitcases.
I’d begun preparing for the move days ago and almost everything was ready.
Jeff’s room held no traces of my short time there and while it was a bit sad, it was like closing a good book.
“The next chapter. I’ve been waiting a long time for this. ”
“You’ve seemed sad the past couple weeks. I know we don’t talk about feelings and shit, but…is everything okay?” He had a worried expression on his face and looked so thoughtful my heart warmed at his concern. I nodded.
“I will be. It’s just life.”
Liar. I haven’t slept well in weeks and my chest hurts whenever Tanner looks at me.
“I think we should have weekly lunch dates. We can catch up and talk and stuff.”
“God, it’s amazing you got Greta to fall for you with how well you are with words…”
“Fuck off,” he replied, laughing at my stupid expression. “I tried to tell them it wasn’t necessary, but…come downstairs.”
“Why?”
“Trust me.”
Shit. What is it? My anxiety got the best of me with worst-case scenarios going through my head.
But I followed him down the stairs and was met with a banner, balloons, and the whole gang.
Zade, Callie, Greta and Tanner. They each smiled at me, waving pompoms in the air, and my breath caught in my throat. “What…what did you guys do?”
“It’s your official moving into college crew. Hilly told us your parents couldn’t make it out here, so we’ll be your family.” Zade held his arms open. “We all agreed we’d trade Jeff for you, but his name is on the lease and he might be pissed.”
“God, you guys are great.” I hugged Zade, moving to Callie, then to Greta, who squeezed me too hard. “Jesus, G.”
“Sorry, it’s a character flaw.”
That left me facing Tanner, who still looked so goddamn handsome my pulse went haywire. I felt everyone’s stares on us, and I opened my arms for a hug. “Thanks for the help.”
He crushed me to his chest, his familiar scent and sounds bombarding me. Fuck. Fuck I miss this. I miss him. “It’s been nice having you here, Kenzie.”
“Yeah,” I said, pushing away from him and staring at everyone. “You don’t have to help me move in, you know.”
“We want to,” Tanner said. He kept his gaze on me the entire time and when Aaron mentioned loading up his car with my stuff, a wave of strong emotion hit me. My eyes watered and an overwhelming worry halted me.
College is starting.
No more Tanner.
New people, new life style.
New classes.
No more Tanner.
“Hey, hey, come here,” Tanner said when he saw my face, and I went to him.
He patted my back, rubbing his hands up and down my arms, and kept speaking in a calm, deep voice.
“I know it’s overwhelming, but think about how exciting it will be?
All the stuff you can add to your list? The dorm food, the adventures with Lorelei and Rachel, the parties and memories.
You’re always welcome to sneak off to our house if you need to, but I think you’re going to have an amazing year. You deserve it, Kenz.”
I sniffed, pressing my face farther into his shirt, and it never crossed my mind that some of the crew could see him like this. It didn’t matter. “Thanks, TJ.”
“That’s what best friends are for, helping each other out.”
I froze at his words, glancing up at him and sucking in a breath at his warm expression. “What did—”
“You’re helping with this shit, too, TJ. Get your ass in gear,” Zade hollered after dropping off one load, and I jumped away from him. We weren’t doing anything wrong, but it still worried me.
“Chill out, man.” Tanner gave me one more glance, worry etched around his eyes, before he helped load the car.
We got all my bags into the trunk and Aaron, Zade and Tanner got into the car with me, the girls following with the other load, and we headed toward the dorm.
It was six blocks from their house and the drive was too short.
There was so much left to say, to Tanner, to my brother—hell, even Zade.
They didn’t have to take me in all summer and make me feel welcome, but they had.
Hills didn’t express emotions and it got worse when we dropped off each bag.
Zade and Aaron made inappropriate jokes the entire time as Tanner and I danced around each other in silence.
Every time we ran into each other, I jumped, and hoped no one saw.
It was awful and, when we dropped the last box, I hugged them goodbye.
“Fuck, I’m gunna miss all of you assholes. ”
“I know. I feel weird. Like, my chest feels funny,” Aaron said, pulling me in for another hug. “Text me any time, seriously.”
“Will do.”
“Yeah, I didn’t think I’d become friends with another fucking Hill, but here we are and I’m already planning our next beer pong tournament,” Zade said, getting a huge grin from me. We all turned to Tanner, waiting for him to say something similar as a goodbye, but he remained silent, staring at me.
Nerves got the best of me and I stuttered, “W-well, thanks for the help. See you around.”
“I’ll see you soon, Kenzie. I promise.” He smiled, the playful grin I’d fallen in love with, and winked. “Bye.”
They left, leaving me alone in my dorm meant for three people, and I hated it. I wished I’d waited for Rachel or Lorelei to get there first, or that I could’ve stayed at the house longer, or even talked to Tanner to try and be friends again.
That’s what best friends do for each other.
Does that mean he wants to be friends again…just friends?
Fuck. Was being friends with him worse than pretending that nothing had happened between us?
Because I sure as hell couldn’t forget, and the sadness was enough to have me make the bed and plop down onto it.
Maybe I’d text Clyde for a shift that night so I didn’t have to sit alone, but when I checked my phone, I already had a text.
Tanner: Check your to-do list.
Okay, weird request. I frowned, scanning my bags to remember where I’d stored my ongoing list—probably my backpack.
I checked in the pocket and came up empty.
Shit. Maybe I’d left it at the house. I unloaded my two bags and my clothes were a mess all over the bed My pulse raced.
Why was my list important? Had he added something?
Please, yes.
My purse! Yes! That was where I’d left it.
I dumped all the contents onto the tiled floor, yanked the notepad from the pile, jumped onto the clothes and got comfortable.
It looked like someone had added to my list and my smile was so large it hurt my cheeks.
He’d started a new page and, in his choppy, bold handwriting, written—
Kenzie’s to do list:
-listen to Tallen’s apologies, multiple times
-realize he was a total dumbass afraid to fight for you
-accept the fact Tallen is an idiot and has learned from this
-get meals with him every day when he’s in town
-go on first, real date with Tallen (all planned by him)
-go on second date with Tallen
-go on third date with Tallen
-wear Tallen’s jersey to fall ball games
-come visit Tallen three nights a week (he’ll come to you as much as you want)
-watch shitty movies with him
-be his girlfriend? (if you want—he doesn’t need labels)
-let him cook a romantic dinner for you
-accept the fact he loves you, all of you
-MOST IMPORTANLY—make sure he’s still alive. He’s telling your brother everything. Right now.
I gasped. “Oh shit.”