Chapter 13
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Leon
I glance at my wristwatch, which I’ve worn every day since Erika found it for me.
Although my Patek Philippe might be a collector’s item, it holds more significance for me: every tick of the second hand is a reminder of how long I’ve been in love with her.
Erika and I didn’t talk much on our run. Something we usually do a lot of.
Today felt different, though. It was like we were both lost in our own thoughts. I know I was stuck in mine.
In my head, I’ve kind of come up with a plan. I think it’s best to tell her how I feel before we go on vacation.
Because I can’t wait any longer.
I’ve gone from mastering the art of patience to anxiously waiting in the wings.
But the last thing I want is to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, because what if she doesn’t feel the same way? What if Ash is wrong?
It’s been years since we kissed, and even though she never said it, I think she wanted something to happen between us, just like I did.
What if she tells me she doesn’t have feelings for me?
Then I guess I will have stirred up a hornet’s nest, and we’ll both end up getting stung.
I’m playing a risky game.
In the meantime, over the next few days, I’ll continue doing what I’ve been doing: leaving breadcrumbs for her to follow. The hints, the compliments, the subtle touches, while at the same time still giving her the space she needs and deserves.
I’ve been more than obvious that I want her.
And yet, she’s playing it cool.
Although she said she thought I was hot and sexy earlier. Surely that means something.
If Ash and Lily are right about her liking me, or more specifically, loving me, then that’s huge. Hope blooms in my chest before insecurity sneaks back in.
Fuck, were they seeing something that’s not there?
Please, universe, don’t let that be true.
“Where the fuck are the mixing bowls?” I bang and clatter around my kitchen, annoyed that I no longer know where anything is, and I keep avoiding the topic we’re both doing the samba around: who are we now, and what are we becoming?
“Wherever Lily put them,” Erika replies cheerfully. I know she’s relishing my misery. She opens one kitchen cabinet door and then another. “Oh, found them.” She pulls out three perfectly stacked glass bowls, hands me the largest, then places the others back in the cabinet.
“My house is no longer my own,” I grumble.
“It’s the way Lily likes it, though.” She chuckles and then takes a large bite of a strawberry.
“I haven’t washed them yet.” I point at the colander filled with fruit.
“We all have to die of something,” she mutters, chewing around the berry.
She is always so matter-of-fact about life and death. “I’d rather you didn’t die under my roof or before you’re forty.”
“A healthy person could be dead tomorrow. Whether I eat this unwashed fruit or not will make no difference. You never know what’s around the corner.” She jumps up onto the kitchen island, makes herself comfortable, and quickly shoves another berry into her mouth.
“You’re an animal.” I tut, harboring the hidden joy of having her around.
“I’m hungry after our run.”
“I told you I’d make you a fruit salad instead, as it’d be quicker.” I open my fridge, taking out the ingredients to make the pancake mix.
“I know, but I would like pancakes, please, Chef.”
“Well, then you’ll have to wait. Stop eating.” I playfully swat her hand away from the fruit she can’t seem to keep her hands off. “Let me wash them first, then you can eat.” I grab the bowl at the same time she reaches for it, but I’m too quick and move to the kitchen sink.
I give the fruit a thorough wash, feeling her eyes on me. “Stop salivating.”
“My stomach is grumbling.”
“I thought it was a dying monster inside of you making those noises.” I pass her the freshly washed fruit for her to eat her way through.
“It is. Listen.” On cue, her stomach growls loudly. “See.” She grins cheekily, making my eyes stay on her longer than I probably should. She’s glowing brighter than she has in a long time.
She pushes a blackberry into her mouth.
I’d sell my kidney to be that berry.
I go back to making pancakes. “Are you okay, Erika? Like, really okay?”
Mid-chew, she thinks about my question before answering. “Yeah, actually, I am. I feel happier than I have been for a while.”
“How long have you been unhappy for?” I hate that she didn’t tell me. I hate myself more for not noticing how utterly miserable she’s been. Although she’s been masking her pain and doubt well, I notice everything about her. It’s hard not to.
“A while.”
“You never said.”
“It was my problem to work through, not yours.”
“Everything about you is my problem. How can I help you if you keep secrets from me?”
“We don’t discuss our relationships, Leon.”
“That changes now,” I reply firmly.
“Okay. From now on, I will tell you everything.”
“Great.”
“I’ll let you know about any future dates I go on.”
Fuck no, that’s not what I meant.
My arm muscles seize, my fist tightening around the handle of the whisk.
Erika pushes me to the edge. “And I’ll let you know on a ratings scale how good they were in bed.”
I drop the bowl with an almighty clatter, nearly smashing it against the worktop, making her jump, but I can see a smirk touching her lips.
“You don’t like that idea, then?” she asks, her voice full of cheer, and I know she’s testing me.
“I fucking hate it.”
“We’ll continue to not share those things then.” She nods slowly.
“You’re not dating.” I grit the words out between my clenched teeth.
Her neck jerks back, confusion lining her brows. “Why not?”
I’ve never told her who to date or not to date, so it’s no wonder she’s puzzled by my sudden interest in her love life.
“It’s too soon for you,” I try to explain, but fail to sound convincing.
She brushes me off right away. “I was going to join one of those dating apps.”
“You’ll do no such fucking thing.” I storm over to her, my actions set adrift without fully thinking it through, and stand between her legs that are hanging off the edge of the island.
My hands find her bare thighs because she’s still wearing her running shorts.
She gulps, momentarily appearing like her mind is stuck in quicksand. “Why can’t I join a dating app, Leon?” Her honeyed tone sounds teasing. It’s as if she’s provoking me to tell her the truth.
I shake my head slowly, not answering her question. “Just promise me you won’t download any apps or date anyone.” I dig my fingers into her flesh slightly, causing her eyes to widen and inhale a deep gasp.
My eyes lock onto hers as if daring her to break eye contact. “Promise me right now that you won’t do it.” My tone softens, but the tension remains, making my jaw ache.
“I promise.”
I exhale sharply, unclenching my teeth, and briefly close my eyes to gather my thoughts before looking at her again. “Good.” She doesn’t need to swipe left or right when I’m the only option she should be considering.
Tell her you’re in love with her, Leon.
I can’t. It’s too soon. She’s only just closed the Huck chapter on her life.
I’m also praying over the next few days that she will see what has been in front of her all along.
What happens if she never sees you?
I can’t even think about that.
“Sorry, it’s just, I—” She doesn’t let me finish.
“You care about me. I know, I get it. You’re just like my brother sometimes.”
“Annoying?” I suggest, being coy.
“That, but also, you never really say what’s on your mind, making you impossible to read,” she replies, then lays her hands over mine, which have somehow moved further up her thighs. “You’re touching me again,” she says, and it sounds more like a question than a statement.
“Is that okay?”
“Your hands are much softer than they were when you played hockey.” She adds, “I like your hands on me.”
My insides do an Olympic-winning somersault.
After a quiet moment, she says, “Something’s changed.
” Then, she shares more golden nuggets of truth, saying, “That something has always been swirling around us, the flirting, the closeness, the playfulness, but when Gigi and Huck entered our lives, it disappeared. However, it’s back, and stronger than ever.
” She points out, “Tell me I’m not the only one feeling this? ”
“You noticed?”
Her reply drips with sincerity, her voice breathy and soft, “I notice everything about us, Leon.”
“You do?” I ask. A rush of happiness floods through me because it’s the first time she’s ever verbalized the spark that’s always been there.
I lean in, the space between us suddenly crackling with electricity.
Her eyes soften, and for a moment, the world fades away, leaving only us and the truth hanging heavy between our hearts.
“I’ve been paying attention since the day you were drafted to the Edmonton Eagles.
I know how many freckles you have under each eye and understand every smile and mood of yours and their meaning.
I know that your old hockey injuries often keep you up at night.
I know how many miles you run every week, like you’re trying to outrun something you won’t talk about.
I said it before, you’re impossible to read.
” She doesn’t look away. “You show up at the hospital, hold and hug me like I’m yours, and we do all these couple-ish things that blur every line, like we’re more than what we say we are.
Some days, you send signals, ones that pull me in, making me believe it’s something real.
And then you go cold again, like none of it means anything.
I end up confused, emotionally wrecked, trying to pretend I’m not.
” Her voice softens, but her words land even harder.
“What I’ve wrestled with, long before Huck ever came into the picture, is whether you’ve ever been serious about us or if this is all one big joke to you.
You have a reputation; I know how many women you’ve been with.
I’m aware of the hookups, the ones you try to keep quiet.
And when I was younger, I watched it all from the sidelines, year after year.
I wanted you, Leon. So bad. I ached for you.
Wanted you to see me. Not as Ash’s sister, but me, Erika.
The girl who was so hopelessly in love with you.
I would have torn heaven out of the sky for you.
But watching you with those girls.” She sighs.
“Do you have any idea what that did to me?”
She loves me? No, she said she was in love with me. Past tense.
How did I not notice or feel this before?
And shit, I may have already blown things between us.
Hearing that I hurt her, not just once but repeatedly, cuts like a blade all the way to the bone. Each syllable out of her mouth wounds me, and I might never stop bleeding.
The adrenaline I felt from running earlier has faded, replaced with a wave of self-loathing.
She stays calm, her voice steady, but every word hits me with the force of a hurricane, fast and brutal.
“If you actually care about us, about our friendship, and you’re thinking about what happens next between us, then think carefully before acting on any plans.
I don’t play games, Leon. I don’t do casual.
The only reason I gave Huck a chance was because, for years, you looked right past me.
I thought I could move on, but I was wrong.
” She pauses just long enough to make it sting.
“I know you’ve got a past. That was never my business, and I never made it mine.
I accepted all of you: the good, the hard parts, even the things I didn’t like, like the girls.
So, before you do what can’t be undone, or say things you can’t take back, I want you to really think about it first and be one hundred percent sure, because if we take things further, I’m not looking for something average or just a fling.
I want it all.” She lifts my hands from her thighs with quiet finality.
“I’ll let you finish making breakfast and give you time to think about what I just said.
I’m going to take a shower.” Then, without another word, she hops off the kitchen island and walks out, leaving me standing there alone.