Chapter 10 #2
“Right,” she said, but the word was off-kilter, uneasy and her eyes stayed locked to him, a frown on her face as though she were trying to work something out.
He moved to one of the chairs at the table and pulled it back for Elodie, narrowly resisting the temptation to curl his hands over her shoulders.
“Can I ask you something?” she said, unsteadily, as he came to his own seat and sat down. A waiter appeared and poured two glasses of mineral water.
“Anything,” he said, surprised that he thought he actually meant it.
“You said you thought of me, after that night.” She reached for her mineral water and took a sip; his eyes followed the gesture then landed on her lips, remembering their soft responsiveness, the urgency of their kiss. His gut rolled and beneath the table, his arousal hardened to the point of pain.
He had said that, and it had been the truth—just as he’d promised. But admitting it now seemed so foolish. As though he was showing more of himself than he’d meant.
“Did you intend to come and see me again?”
“No.” The answer was an immediate rebuttal, drawn from deep, deep in his gut.
Her surprise was evident. “That idea disgusts you.”
He reached out, putting a hand on hers. “I don’t do follow up,” he said with a grimace, recognizing how tawdry that made it sound. “It’s too close to a relationship, and that’s something I carefully avoid.”
“But you wanted to see me again?” she pushed, so he was already starting to regret his pledge that they be honest with each other.
“Yes,” he said, after a beat, glad for the flurry of activity behind her, as three waiters began to approach with plates and serving implements. “Enough that I knew I should avoid you at all costs.”
The first course was a chicken and saffron risotto with a rocket and pear salad. They sat in silence as the staff plated up their meal and then, when they left, Raf racked his brain for something to say that would herald a conversation change. Elodie, however, beat him to it.
“Why avoid me?”
Exasperation shifted inside of him. “I already told you—,”
“You don’t do follow up,” she mimicked, a hint of a smile on her face that didn’t reach her eyes. “Okay, I have another question.”
“I’m starting to regret this.”
She lifted her fork and speared a little of the risotto.
“Go on,” he said, with a sigh.
“How many women have you slept with?”
“I don’t know. I don’t keep a score sheet, cara.
” Frustration was evident in his tone, but it was a frustration more with himself, and his lifestyle choices.
Something was worrying at his insides, an irritation that at first he didn’t comprehend.
Then, as he sifted through his feelings, he started to see the problem.
Elodie was asking how many women like her he’d slept with, and the problem was, what he’d shared with Elodie was somehow different.
He couldn’t put his finger on it, but there’d been something in the way they were that night that had rocked him to the foundation.
That was why he’d stayed away. That was why he’d known he would do everything in his power to avoid her.
“A lot, though?”
“Why does this matter?”
“I’m just interested.”
“Are you really?”
“I guess I must be. Did you sleep with anyone after me?”
He hated that he had. He hated that he’d promised to be honest, and the only way he could answer that was with an affirmative.
What difference did it make that he’d thought of Elodie?
That it had only been two women. That he’d grown bored of trying to find the same connection, the same buzz, and focused instead on his work.
“Elodie—,” he said, his voice a growl.
And there it was. Hurt. Betrayal. She covered it quickly, but not quickly enough. Or perhaps it was just that Raf was so in tune with her that he could read every micro expression that ran across her features.
“I never intended to see you again,” he pointed out with a calm he didn’t feel. “I moved on with my life.”
“I get it, it’s totally fine, obviously. Like you said, it was a one-night stand. If I hadn’t gotten pregnant, we would never have seen each other again.”
That was an accurate summation of their situation, but it felt to Raf as though he’d swallowed a fish bone.
His throat seemed to have something lodged in it, so he reached for his water and took a deep drink, rather than try to say anything else.
He felt as though he’d dug himself some kind of grave, and he didn’t know how to close it over.
“What about you, Elodie? After that night, I presume you went on with your life.” He was being a coward. He wanted to know if she’d thought of him, too, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask. Every single interaction with this woman was a huge red flag, yet here he sat regardless.
“Obviously.”
“But there was no one else.”
She’d told him as much, when she’d turned up pregnant on his doorstep. That was one of the reasons she had been so certain the baby was his.
“Like I said that night, one-night stands aren’t really my thing.”
“But you haven’t dated?”
Her gaze was now fixed on a point over his shoulder, fork loaded with risotto hovering just above her plate.
“I haven’t had time,” she said. “I work whenever I can, and I’ve been exhausted.” Her eyes flicked back to his, a small smile tightening on her lips. “Apparently that’s a side effect.”
Of pregnancy. Their baby. That ancient, primal pride soared in his chest again, leaving him with a feeling of being King of the world.
“Have you had any others?”
“Side effects?”
In calmer conversational waters, she lifted the risotto and ate it. He watched as she chewed, the movement of her lips endlessly distracting. God help him, he needed a cold shower and a date with his right hand. This situation was becoming seriously untenable.
“I’ve been a bit off food,” she said, glancing at the risotto and smiling more genuinely now.
“Though that seems to have faded. I had a headache for a couple of weeks. Nothing that really worried me, and everything was easy to ignore or explain away. But when I realized the date and counted back over my calendar, I saw I’d skipped a cycle. ”
“You didn’t realise?”
She shook her head. “Silly, I know. But I stopped taking the pill, about a week after we…after that night. I figured there was no need for it anymore. So, it didn’t really flag as unusual—I guess if I’d thought about it all, I would have presumed my body was just readjusting.”
“You did a test anyway?”
“I just…had a feeling,” she said, with a shrug.
“You must have been shocked.”
“Absolutely, completely sideswiped,” she admitted. He wished he could have been there with her, to help absorb the surprise of it all.
“Did you think about keeping it from me?”
“Yes,” she surprised him by admitting. “For about ten seconds, I did. You were so adamant that it was just one night, I knew this would be the last thing you wanted. I genuinely wondered if it would be kinder not to bother you with it.”
That alternative reality bloomed before his eyes, ice spreading through his veins to imagine Elodie doing all this on her own.
Living with her parents, back in the orbit of her ex, worrying about how she’d cover bills, all the while he merrily went on with his life, with no idea that he was a father.
A life that now seemed so hollow and pointless, in so many ways.
He’d spent more than two years in a weird kind of fog, giving into his most basic needs rather than facing up to the devastation of what he’d lost. He’d let anger dictate his every move, but maybe that anger had also been ruining his life.
He thought he’d been showing his agency by sleeping with whomever he wanted, living how he wanted, making reckless decisions in his business and personal life, but what if that had all been a function of his anger and loss?
“I’m glad you told me,” he said, wondering if she’d ever realise how true that statement was.
This baby wasn’t just a new life; it was a new life for Raf.
A second chance. It was the wake-up call he hadn’t known he needed to stop messing around and be the man he could be.
To be better. For their baby, he’d do whatever it took.