Chapter 18
HE HAD KNOWN THINGS were getting out of hand for a while, but this was incontrovertible evidence that he was in way over his head.
First, his marriage proposal, that despite what he’d said, had been far more complicated than simply wanting to do what he thought was right.
And then, the response he’d only just managed to keep a lid on, when Elodie had told him about Aaron.
Hot on the heels of feeling as though he might lose her altogether, along with their baby, to know that her ex was still in the picture made it seem as though every constant in his life was now wobbling precariously out of his reach.
Because how could he stand in Elodie’s way? She wanted the whole, perfect, loving family, the sort of thing he didn’t believe in, and simply couldn’t offer. She wanted more than he could give, and everything she deserved.
He might not love her, but there was no way he’d stand in her way. Not if that was what she wanted.
If he insisted on following the path they’d agreed to from the outset, he’d be holding her hostage, stopping her from pursuing the life she wanted, and there was no way he could live with that.
He had to set her free.
He had to stand up and do the right thing, even when it felt very, very much like the wrong thing.
He placed the risotto on her lap, along with a cloth napkin, then moved to the other side of the room, standing where he had been moments ago, his arms crossed forbiddingly over his chest.
“Tomorrow, we’ll talk about our future,” he said, slowly, as though the words were still formulating in his mind.
“I’d rather talk about it now,” she said, knowing she wouldn’t sleep if she felt as though that conversation was hanging over her head.
She’d rejected his marriage proposal today, and then Aaron’s, but there was a part of her that wondered, if Raf were to propose again, if she might accept.
She’d been strong once, declining him because his motivation had been borne of duty, not love.
But in turning him down, she’d denied herself a chance to have a hint of what she wanted—even when it would be fake.
Would that matter? He would be her husband, and she’d be his wife. Wasn’t that worth the gamble?
And maybe in time, he’d come to care for her, as she cared for him…
“I shouldn’t have proposed today,” he said, the words slicing through her with all the force of a blade. “I wasn’t thinking straight.”
Her heart slammed hard against her ribs.
“That wasn’t our agreement, and I put you on the spot by suggesting we get married. You were right, Elodie, at the beginning of all this. Becoming parents, it’s going to work better, be smoother, if we don’t complicate our relationship.”
She knew, because she knew him, that Raf was not intentionally trying to hurt her, yet he could not have chosen his words better, if that had been his goal. Each one landed against her like a gut punch, leaving her completely stunned. “Are you saying…what are you saying?”
He dropped his hands to his sides then jammed them into his pocket, the fists visible beneath the fabric.
“We let this get out of hand. I let it get out of hand. You were right, when you told me we shouldn’t give into our chemistry.”
“I’m not following. What does the fact we slept together have to do with you proposing?”
He crossed his arms again, his forearms showing the lean muscle there, so her mouth felt a little dry, her body flushed with warmth.
“Because sex made me think, for a moment, that this was real, and it’s not.
” His eyes probed hers, his expression grim.
“I’ll never be able to give you the kind of marriage you described, and it would kill me for you to settle for anything less.
So, if Aaron’s who you want, if that’s the life you’d choose, if all the options were before you, then you need to go after that. I won’t stand in your way.”
Pain flooded her system from every angle. Pain at how quickly and easily he was able to sidestep their intimacy. At how he was able to go from acting like a caring, loving partner, to practically shunting her out the door of his life.
“Are you saying you don’t want to be a part of our lives anymore?” she asked, tone wooden, body in a state of absolute shock. She placed the risotto on the mattress beside her, almost nauseated by the idea of food.
“No,” he rejected that swiftly. “These are our children. Naturally, I still intend to raise them. We will work together, as we always intended, as co-parents, to give them the best of everything.” He moved then, sweeping across the room to stand right at her side.
“But you deserve happiness, too, Elodie. You deserve to be more than their mother. I will not be the reason you miss out on the great love of your life.”
How could he think that, after everything they’d shared? How could he think Aaron was anything to her?
Because it hadn’t been special to him. It hadn’t meant anything. He’d experienced these kinds of sparks with myriad women, this sort of soul-destroying chemistry was probably just a part of that, too. It was only her inexperience that had made her think they were special.
Even as she told herself that, she knew it was a lie. For Elodie, Raf was everything. The sun, the moon, her very reason for being. Baby, babies, or no babies, he was the man she wanted.
But he’d just finished telling her he’d never offer her anything more than this, and he’d underscored that by showing her that he was serious. By making it so abundantly clear that this was something he could easily shut down and walk away from.
She wanted to fight with him. She wanted to cry. But pride had her sitting there, staring at him as though her heart wasn’t tearing into a thousand, million pieces.
“Of course, I’ll support you. My lawyers are arranging trust documents, I’ll have those transitioned to reflect the fact there are two children.
The details of where we live, and how, can be worked out in due course.
If you and Aaron marry, I presume you’ll be somewhat flexible with choosing to be either in London, or somewhere near one of my offices, so that I can continue to be in their lives. ”
Not hers.
Theirs.
She knew she couldn’t speak. She couldn’t say anything. She didn’t trust her voice not to wobble, didn’t trust her emotions not to drive her to tears.
“This is good news, Elodie. We did what we set out to do. We know each other better, we know we work well together. We can raise these children as they deserve—and you can have whatever life you want for yourself.”
But she couldn’t.
He was neatly, carefully, and oh so considerately, shutting the door on the very life she desperately wanted, and now found it impossible to admit to.
“Yes,” was all she managed to say.
He took that as her agreement, and stepped out of the room, pausing only to say, “I’ll be back in an hour. If you need anything in the meantime, please call.”
Raf felt physically ill. He felt as though he’d just thrown his body into a shredder, and destroyed parts of himself he hadn’t known existed. He’d done what Elodie deserved, and it had damned near killed him.
But it had been the right decision.
It would have been selfish in the extreme to keep her tied up in a relationship like theirs, purely because he liked being with her, when she wanted so much more in life.
Only, he couldn’t stay in this house with her.
Having done what was right once, he needed to give them both breathing room.
And so he set about organizing a full team of home staff, from nurses to nutritionists to housekeepers, everyone Elodie could possibly need to ensure she was looked after.
Raul would stay with her, and oversee a team of three security agents, to protect her whenever she left the house.
Raf was meeting his obligations, as he was required to. She was his responsibility, and nothing about her choices changed that. If she married Aaron, she would still be Raf’s to protect, to keep safe. She would still be the mother of his children, and nothing could change that.
But even the thought of her walking down the aisle with that prick had his skin flushing hot and cold all over.
So what? Jealousy was normal. They’d been sleeping together for weeks; she was having his babies.
Everything was complicated, just like she’d said.
It still didn’t mean he could be the person she needed.
In fact, he knew he couldn’t be. Elodie wanted love, and maybe even love, from him.
He’d never offer that; he had to end this properly.
Though they slept in the same bed—he’d wanted to be there if she needed anything—he was careful, all night, not to so much as touch her. Because he knew that in touching her, something would ignite inside of him, and her, that was medically dangerous and now, emotionally so as well.
He’d set her free, with his words, and tomorrow, he would do so with his actions.
“Good morning.” His tone was crisp and businesslike, when he walked into the room the next morning and swept his gaze over Elodie. “How do you feel?”
She searched for the right words. Crappy, was all she could come up with, but he wasn’t asking about her mental state, so much as the physical health of the baby.
“Like normal,” she lied.
“Good.” He moved to the end of the bed and pressed a hand to the mattress. “I’ve decided to move out.”
The words made no sense. She furrowed her brow. “Of your house?”
“Consider it yours now.”
She shook her head, instantly rejecting that. “This is not my house.”
“You don’t have a house,” he pointed out, perhaps not knowing how hurtful that summation would be to her. She squared her shoulders and stared down her nose at him, without dignifying his comment with a response.
He possibly didn’t notice, though, because he continued with his obviously prepared announcement. “I’ve spoken to an estate agent. There’s a place around the corner I’ll buy, and in the meantime, I’ll stay at Claridge’s.”