I choose you too
I woke up with a jolt, breath coming down in heaving pants and my body nearly trembling.
I could faintly register the warmth of something in my palm, small, delicate, smooth.
Shaking my head I adjusted my eyes to the lighting in the room, taking a moment to regain composure, to remember that it was just a nightmare and I was still here sitting next to Chris in her hospital room—the same spot I had occupied in the last 12 days—and that the fullness in my palm was from where my hand held on to hers.
It was a nightmare, just a dream, yet it felt like anything but so.
Too real, maybe because that nightmare was a mirror of what my life was right now.
It had nearly been two weeks and while her vitals were looking okay, Chris had still not shown any sign of waking up anytime soon, neither the cops nor my men had ground on where Sarah was, and my life was still fucked up in more ways than I would have ever imagined.
With a grunt, I sat up in the small hospital chair where I had made my refuge every day for the last twelve days.
The steel, cold chair was two times smaller than me and uncomfortable as hell.
It made my back hurt like a bitch but it meant I was as close to Chris as close I could be, nothing else mattered.
"You're awake," a voice gruff and familiar said from above me.
I looked up to see my brother staring from above me and I realized then that I must have come awake from his tap on my shoulder.
In the last few days, the support from my family had been beyond my imagination and I could not be more thankful for having the most amazing family anyone could ask for.
Mia handled the paparazzi, putting her wedding in the spotlight to draw them away from Chris, Robin and Alexander helped take care of the search for Sarah, making sure the villa was safe and the very last place Sarah would even dream of going, Lilian helped with the kids.
Celine had mostly been broken, spending just as much time as me here with Chris and also holding o to the thread of hope I shared—that Chris would wake up soon.
Thankfully, she always knew just when I needed to be alone with my girlfriend.
Having them all here, made this much easier to bear. Even though with each day, I felt hope slip away from me. I felt her slip farther away from me.
"Have you even left that seat today?"
The grunt ripping through me as I attempted to stretch answered that question.
"What do you want?" I growled, rubbing a hand over my face.
Exhaustion seeped through me. I had barely gotten any sleep since she was admitted here, partly because I would rather have my eyes on her most of the time and partly because the demons waited patiently in nightmares every time I closed my eyes.
"The kids are here," he said simply striding across the room to pick up a duffel bag before tossing it in my direction.
My eyes widened at him as a frown formed on my face "What? why?" This was the very last place I needed them to be.
"Well they have barely seen their father for five minutes in more than one week, and they have not seen Chris either, we can only lie to them for so long. Lilian has run out of ideas to divert their attention, they miss you both, so freshen up and go downstairs to meet them."
Shit. I had been so bone-deep invested in not taking an eye of Chris, that I had completely neglected the kids, only seeing them over a few minutes video call from the hospital.
But the thought of leaving Chris here, by herself when that maniac was out there made something twist in my chest. "Have them come here. "
He gave me a shocked look, that spelled 'are you crazy?" I felt crazy because I was thinking right, I would know seeing Chris like this would only traumatize them even more and lead to more questions, questions I was not near ready to answer.
"I think they have been through enough already," he said with a sigh, then strode back to me. He gave a tight pat on my shoulder, before adding, "I'll look after her. Go to them, I hear there's a park nearby."
For the first time in days, I took a good look at, my brother, really looked at him.
We were a reflection of each other, it was like staring back into a mirror.
And I was not just talking about our looks.
Apart from the bags under his eyes, suggesting he had not had much sleep either and the weary look in his features, I could also see the raw unabridged need to protect his family.
It was evident in the way he spared no effort to find Sarah.
"When last did you get any sleep?"
He chuckled, "sleeping is a luxury I cannot afford with Sarah still free, don't you think."
Speaking of, "How close are we with the search."
His eyes swerved in the other direction as he spoke, shrugging, "pretty close,"
He was lying. And I could see why. My brother did not need my worrying more about Sarah while I had Chris on my mind. Except that was my burden to carry and I was just borrowing his shoulder.
"Stop bullshitting me," I demanded.
He sighed, shoving both hands into his pocket, "we will find her Lucas, you just worry about her," he tipped his head in the direction of the bed, "and the two kids are desperate to see you right now."
I got to my feet, sighing as I twisted my neck both ways.
It made a low cracking sound, intensifying the pain shooting through my back and shoulders.
I leaned down, pressing a kiss on her forehead.
"I'll be back Muffin. I have to attend to the two most adorable twins on the planet, apparently, they need me.
They need us," It was another subtle plea, another reason I needed her to wake up.
I knew she could hear me, "be a good girl while I'm gone. "
My hand drifted down to her belly. There was still no visible signs yet.
In fact, to an unknowing person, she looked as normal as anyone in a coma could look.
But I knew there was a heartbeat growing rapidly in there.
I also knew it could cost me the woman I loved if I let that heartbeat continue to grow, but I could not bring myself to do it.
To end it. I loved Chris too much to take this from her because I knew she wanted it just as bad as I did, the proof of our love.
So I stayed, hoping she would wake up just in time to go through with it.
Yet, deep down I knew that if the cards finally played out to me having to choose between them...
I closed my eyes, shuddering at the thought, but that did not take the knowledge that I would always choose her no matter what.
I rubbed my hand over her clothed belly, the thin fabric of the hospital gown did not do much to keep the feel of her skin on mine away.
"You be good too," I know it's just my imagination, but I want to believe there's a flutter in her belly when I speak and I chose to believe that.
Smiling, I pressed another kiss to her belly, and then I'm grabbing the duffel bag and heading for the door.
I turned to my brother with a warning glare. "You leave the room before I get back and I will fucking kill you."
He gave me a nod that said he knew better than to and I reached for the doorknob, convinced that she was in some measure of safety because no matter how much I trusted my brother, I found no one near capable enough to protect her as I would.
"And Lucas," he called as I headed out the door, I turned back to him with a raised brow, "get a goddamn shave."
I brushed my hands over the increasing scruff of beard lining up my face with a half-smile, "will do."
The feel of the wind slapping against my skin was surreal. The last time I had got that feeling was when I was breezing out of the house on my way to find Chris. And it was even better because today, I got to listen to the kids rattle off all they had been up to in the last two weeks.
The excitement on their faces when I met them in the hospital waiting room stabbed my heart with both relief and guilt.
Relief. because seeing my kids happy was always the highlight of my day and guilt because I had not realized how much I missed them, also because even here with them, a part of me had hung back with Chris right there by her bedside.
Through all that had happened, I had to remind myself it was all of them, for my family.
The hardest part was lying to them. I would not exactly call it lying, just withholding some information from them.
So far, I had not let myself think of what it meant for the kids if Chris did not wake up soon.
Another woman walking out of their lives and even worse one they had come to love, to care for.
It would tear me apart to put my kids through that a second time.
So now as we strolled through the busy park, each of us holding an ice cream cone, I did everything in my power to drive the conversation away from Chris.
"...and then we asked aunt Lilian if we could get costumes for Elmo and she said we have to ask you and Chris first," Abby said, bouncing up and down with one of her small hands in my hold and the other clutching the already slopping ice cream.
"Well, I think a costume would look nice," I said, glad that the dog also helped to keep them busy through this time.
I had been against having a pet for the kids before, but now I saw how important it was for them to have one steady figure in their lives, a friend, especially for their emotional health.
"Dad," Aiden said with an exaggerated wave of his hands, amusement coloring his features like his sister had just said the silliest thing, "costumes are ridiculous and for babies."
"No, they aren't." Abby shot back defensively, looking up at me for backup, "right daddy?"
"Yes princess, I think it would be great to have Elmo wear a costume." I loved the smile spreading across her face as I took her side.
"Not if they're pink-ish and glittery-ish," he said, making a yucked face, pretending to puke.
Despite myself, I chuckled, an idea to solve this problem popping in my brain. "What's your favorite cartoon character Aiden?"
"Cat boy," he shrugged, biting into his ice cream.
"So what if we get Cat boy costumes too, so you get to dress up the dog too on some days."
He looked up at me, bright eyes stretched wide as I had just said the most brilliant thing on the planet. "We can do that?!"
"Yup," I nodded, "I'll have aunt Lilian get them for you."
In a swift move, his arms were wound up around me in a tight hug, ignoring the liquid dripping down his fingers. "You're the best dad, I love you."
For the first time in days, a real smile lit up on my face, filling my heart with something almost undescribable, maybe life. Almost like I can breathe again just hearing those words from my five-year-old son. I ruffled his hair, pulling him closer, "I love you too buddy, so much."
"What about me," Abby asked promptly, inching closer for a hug too.
I reached lower, pressing a kiss on her cheek that made her giggle, "you know it goes without saying, I love you too princess."
"Does that mean I can get an Owlette costume too?" she grinned.
"Of course," Straightening, I looked up at the sets of swings in the playground area of the park, "who wants to go swinging?" I announced, basking in joy at their receptive reaction. "I'll race you both there."
Suddenly Abby points a finger behind me with a scream and I turned around sharply, seeing nothing.
When I looked back at the kids, they're already running towards the playground, gleaming with joy that I had fallen for their trick.
I did not bother to ask where they had learned that from, if anything, I gloated over the fact that I had fallen for it.
It was relieving to know that in the midst of all that had happened so far, that smile was still on their faces. It meant the fucking world to me.
I jogged up to them, just enough to let them take the win and beat me to the playground, laughing out the words, "You stinking cheaters," as I followed behind them.
Their excited squeals rang through my ears and for a second, I let myself believe that we're back to just the three of us. One happy family as we once were. Happy.
Yet so damn incomplete. Because the one person that made us feel complete was still in a coma. And just like that, every ounce of joy I had retained from spending this short time with twins is knocked out cold from my body.
I am left with a cold, empty, hollow feeling. A void that can only be filled by her.
Night covers before I finally let the kids go. I had a feeling most athletes likely felt, gulping a bottle of water after a long, hard race.
Refreshed, filled with hope again.
I wonder what the miracle behind kids was. How they just brought that light into your world without even having to do so much. Even as a scientist it was one thing I could not fully grasp yet.
I walked into Chris's room and in a second the smile on my face washed away at the sight of the doctor standing next to her, chart in hand. He gave me a weary smile that did nothing to assure me as I apperead next to the bed.
I nodded to my brother, thankful that he had kept his promise. "What's new?" I was used to this by now. He would come every 12 hours for her routine check, go over the result, and inform me how her health was doing anything but better, and remind me what little time remained with every passing day.
Today was no different.
"Her blood pressure is not impressive," he said, shaking his head as he scanned the chart, "this is dangerous for both her and the baby."
As always, one minute of happiness and hours worth of bad news. "What do you suggest?" I asked knowing all too well his answer.
"The baby..."
"Anything else that does not suggest ending her pregnancy!" I snapped, giving him a dark look.
"Then let her die," he said simply.
My hands were fisted around his neck before I could even think of it, pulling him close to me until we were merely a breath apart even with the hospital bed between us. "Are you trying to be funny?"
Robin appeared at my side, one arm over mine as he gave me a questionable look. Hesitantly, I released my grip on him, willing myself to calm down.
The doctor cleared his throat, twisting his neck, clearly hurt from my fingers around them.
"Need I remind you that your girlfriend can hear your conversations and outbursts like that reflect on her recovery?
" he raised a brow, still holding his neck, his eyes narrowing at me almost in anger.
"Also, I figured quite early in life that I do not have a future in comedy.
" he continued, "I am only being practical.
As long as she's in this state, it's either her or the baby.
And if you do not make your choice soon enough, even that will be gone too.
Then it would no longer be a matter of who you would like to save, it would be a matter of who makes it alive. Think about it and decide."
His words are not a result of anger, he really is just being practical and it's worse because I know it even if I won't admit it.
For the first time since she had the accident, I really wanted a more rosy delivery.
I want him to tell me she will be fine and the baby will be fine and everything would be okay.
He doesn't.
He simply gave a terse nod and orders the nurse to take the ultrasound machine out of the room. After promising to come back to check on her once more, he left too.
Thankfully my brother also knows when I need to be alone with her. He simply pats my shoulder, a wordless promise that he has my back. "I'll go see how far the guys are with Sarah.." he said before heading out the door.
This is hard. This is so fucking hard.
That's all I was thinking as I sank into the seat—my favorite seat. My hands found hers again and maybe it was just my imagination again, but I could swear I felt her finger twitch.
She can hear me. I reminded myself.
Clearing my throat, I lowered my voice so she knows whatever I'm saying next, I'm saying only to her.
"I miss you beautiful," my hands reached up, tucking a strand of her hair back, "the kids miss you too.
They were here today," I gave a dry chuckle, "I had to use all my diversion skills to keep them from asking about you.
Even so, I can see how alone they're without you.
" how alone I am without you, "And you know who else needs you? "
I placed my hand on her belly, hoping she would get the hint. "He needs you too." I choked on my words, pausing to suck in a sharp breath before speaking again. "I don't want to Muffin, but very soon I'm going to have to choose between you two, and you already know I cannot lose you."
This time I was convinced I felt her fingers twitch in mine.
Despite my efforts at restraint, hope surged through my heart, almost bursting through me.
"I know." I said softly, running my hands up and down her cheeks, like I was replying to that single movement, "I know you don't want that, I don't either.
That's why you have to fight this and find your way back to us. Please."
The selfish asshole in me hoped for yet another reply, but there was nothing.
No. I had given her enough time. I needed her back here with me.
"You know, the twins are bonding pretty well with Elmo," I continued, chuckling as I recalled their banter about costumes.
Kids. It was amazing how simple their lives were, with simple problems. "They're getting costumes.
I'm so glad you convinced me to take the dog.
The truth is I'm so thankful the heavens gave you to me, to us, undeserving as it may feel.
Today I was at the park with the kids and I realized I'd forgotten how to live without you there because you're a part of my life I really cannot do without.
Like pre-Chris and Post Chris," I snorted because I never wanted there to be a pre-Chris again.
Another moment of deafening silence passed.
I reached for the small piece of jewelry I had kept tucked away in my pocket for weeks.
I had kept track of it, remembering to take it out every time Robin convinced me to take a shower and have a change of clothes.
Somehow it made me feel even closer to her, gave me hope because I knew one day I would be sliding it across her finger. Maybe that day was just today.
"It's funny you know," I continued as I placed her hand on mine, palm to palm.
I was convinced that no hands would wear my ring better.
"I had so many chances to ask you this. When we were with the kids, the night you found me sitting on the beach on our getaway, that was all I had on my mind.
I was nervous because, in my mind, I had planned the most perfect way, the most perfect time to ask you this question. "
"You deserve nothing less than perfect Chris. Sadly," a sad smile crept up my face, "something always got in the way. And I finally realize there's never going to be a perfect place or time. So maybe we need to create our own perfect. And maybe our perfect is here, right now."
I gave a nervous chuckle. Even weeks of preparation still could not keep emotions from bubbling to the surface.
"But it cannot be perfect if you aren't awake to answer the question, I know what your answer will be," I leaned closer to kiss her neck, a soft brush of my lips against hers, "or maybe I can convince you if it's otherwise. "
My eyes drifted down to her fingers. The ruby surrounded by sparkling diamonds glinted like they could not wait to get on her finger.
I had never been so sure of anything in my life, yet I knew this could be the most stupid thing to do right now, or it could be the one thing that led her back to me.
"I'm not going to get down on one knee," I continued after clearing my throat briefly, "and I'm not going to ask 'if' because I know you are mine already.
Just like I'm yours in every damn universe.
" I held her hand tighter, knowing everything depended on this one moment, "it's a question of when and I'm only going to ask this question once and I expect an answer,"
Please answer. Please say something. Please open your eyes.
"When are you going to wake up and be my wife?"
Silence.
More silence, stretching long into the horizon of my thoughts.
Disappointment slowly started to settle into me and then her hands made the slightest movement, before full on holding mine.
And just like a fucking dream come true, I heard the words that made my heart pause for a second only to thump harder in my chest.
"In every universe, I choose you too, Lucas,"