9. Ruby
Ruby
Pop!
The sound startled me. For a few seconds I couldn't figure out what the noise was, and then I heard Oscar in the kitchen.
When did he get home? What time is it?
I picked up my phone and was surprised to see a text from him, let alone that he was making us dinner. My brow furrowed as I got up and looked toward the kitchen.
What is he up to? Is he planning on killing me?
I laughed at the thought then quickly finished the section of the elevation I had been sketching. I gently picked up my sketches and carefully laid them on top of each other. I looked at the stack with a smile, my heart feeling full in a way it hadn't in a long time.
With my new sketches, my sketchpad, and my pencils in hand, I brought them into the dining room and slid them behind the cabinet, knowing Oscar wouldn't go in there anyway.
I didn't want to share them with him. I wasn't sure if I was ready to share them with anyone, but it was clear Oscar didn't value what I brought to the company in its early days, and didn't think I had anything to contribute now.
It seemed Adam appreciated my work, but he had always seen things differently than Oscar. That's why they made such a good team.
I thought about how happy Olivia seemed at the gala, and then I thought about Nicole, alone at that table before we found her, stirring a drink she wasn't going to finish. I kept coming back to her. Maybe because she had said out loud the thing I had spent years not saying.
I could have called her. Olivia too. Either one of them would have picked up, and either one of them would have understood exactly what I was living in right now, because they were living in some version of it themselves. But I didn't reach for the phone, and I knew I wouldn't.
When I was young I told my girlfriends everything.
Then Jeremy came, and my whole life narrowed down to him, and somewhere in there I got out of the habit of leaning on anyone.
I got good at not needing it. I told myself that was strength.
Sitting on the porch that night, my own marriage coming apart in the next room, I wasn't as sure.
There is a difference between not needing people and having quietly arranged your life so you never have to test whether they would show up.
I had been alone with this for a long time before Oscar ever moved down the hall.
Still, hearing Nicole say it had helped. Knowing I wasn't the only one. That was something.
"Dinner will be ready soon," Oscar called from the kitchen.
Taking the shortcut through the butler's pantry, I entered the kitchen. Oscar looked a little frazzled, peeking under a pot lid, then opening the oven before quickly closing it while shaking his head.
"Do you need any help?" I asked.
"No. You cook all the time, it's time I do something for you."
He grinned and gave me a wink. My heart did a little flip in my chest, but I kept my expression straight.
Oscar opened the junk drawer and pulled out the lighter. He walked past me to the kitchen table and lit a candle. The flame danced in the reflection of the bay window.
On the table was a bouquet of grocery store flowers in a vase of water, still wrapped in cellophane. Leaning against the vase was a DVD.
My lips curved upwards involuntarily, and a smile spread across my face.
I could recognize the DVD case of one of my favorite movies from a mile away.
The rich red background, the pop of yellow in Gwyneth Paltrow's dress, the deep blue of Joseph Fiennes' jacket.
It was Shakespeare in Love. The same movie Oscar rented the night after our first date.
I picked up the DVD case and hugged it to my chest. Tears filled my eyes, but I quickly blinked them away.
Don't be such a mush!
I knew what Oscar was doing. He was trying. He was doing what he thought was right, what would make me happy. This wasn't the first time he resorted to something like this, but history told me it wouldn't last. Things needed to change this time, but nothing about this told me they would.
Returning the DVD case to its position by the flowers, I took a breath to make sure I didn't give away any of the happiness I felt to him. He needed to do more to earn it.
"Your dinner is served," he said, carrying two plates to the kitchen table and setting them down.
On the plates were fish sticks, rice, and Pillsbury biscuits. I laughed, unable to contain myself.
"That's what we made when you came over that first time," I said.
He grinned, happy with himself. "Go ahead, try it."
I scooped some rice onto my fork and ate. The rice was buttery, rich and savory at the same time.
"Did you buy something different?" I asked, looking over at the counter for the box mix he used.
"No, it's the same brand we always buy, but I used your secret ingredient." He grinned again before dipping a fish stick into ketchup.
For a moment I didn't know what he meant, but as his grinning continued I put two and two together. Love. Oscar wasn't the type to tell me he loved me, but he was making it clear by his actions that he did.
"You remembered the biscuits," I said.
"I remembered you burned the biscuits."
"I did not burn the biscuits."
"Ruby. The smoke alarm went off. We ate them anyway and told each other they were fine." He was smiling at his plate, cutting a fish stick like it was a filet. "Worst dinner I ever had. I asked you out again the next day."
I laughed, and it caught me off guard, how easy it was. For a minute it was just the two of us at a table with bad food and a candle, and I let it be that. I didn't guard it or measure it or wait for it to turn. I just ate my dinner across from my husband and let myself have the minute.
"What did you do today?" he asked.
"Just went for a drive. I ended up down the shore."
"It was a nice day for it."
I nodded. "How about you? Did you go into the office?"
"I did." He set his fork down and his face grew serious. "Dustin is sleeping at the office. He said Nicole kicked him out about a month ago."
"Oh, wow. I guess I'm not surprised though," I said thinking about what Nicole said the other night.
"Listen, Ruby, I know things aren't perfect between us, but I don't want them ever to get as bad as they are between Dustin and Nicole.
That's just not us, okay? I know I don't always express my emotions and sometimes I can be a jerk.
But even if I act like I don't care, you know that I do.
" His eyes were locked onto mine. "I'm sorry things have been as bad as you're saying. "
As you're saying. Not as bad as they've been. As bad as I was saying, like the trouble was in the telling of it. I don't think he even heard himself do it. He was looking right at me, and he meant every word, and he still found a way to set the thing an arm's length from himself.
I almost pointed it out. The old reflex, halfway up my throat. Then I looked at his face, hopeful and a little scared and so sure this was the fix, and I let it go.
I didn't respond. It was a start, but that was all it was. I looked back at my plate and continued eating.
After dinner we moved to the family room and put on the movie. We settled into the couch, sitting in our usual seats, next to each other. About fifteen minutes into the movie Oscar moved his hand to mine.
We held hands for the rest of the movie.