10. Oscar
Oscar
Itook a few days off so Ruby and I could spend some quality time together.
We went to her favorite museum, The Met in New York, we went down the shore to Point Pleasant where we shared waffles and ice cream, and we had just gotten back from Longwood Gardens outside of Philadelphia.
It had been a long time since we had any time just the two of us like that.
Ruby went to lay down after so much time in the sun, so I went to the guest room. It was time for me to move back into our bedroom. I grabbed some of my toiletries and headed down the hall.
I entered the room without knocking and walked straight toward the bathroom.
"What are you doing?" Ruby asked, sitting up in bed.
"Bringing my stuff back."
"Umm, really?"
"Yeah," I shrugged and set down my deodorant and aftershave. "We've had a great few days together. I think it's time to move forward."
She looked at me as if I was crazy.
"No. No, you're not moving back in here. I can't believe you didn't even ask."
"I shouldn't have to ask. It's my bedroom too."
"I know that, but you know where things are between us."
"Yeah, they're great. I just said we've had a great few days together. Am I wrong about that?"
"A few good days, even great days, doesn't erase the damage from all these years."
"You're being unreasonable. We can talk about this more after your nap. I think you’re just tired."
"I'm unreasonable? I’m tired? Really, Oscar? This isn't me saying this because I'm tired. I’m saying it because it’s only been a few days."
"But Ruby, you know me."
"Yes, exactly. I know you. So I know this won't last because it never does. You'll go right back to your usual ways in a couple of weeks."
“What are you talking about?”
“Every time I say something and talk to you about how I’m feeling, you make changes. But they never last. And even if they did it still doesn’t change how you talk about me to others.”
“That again? You’re just sensitive.”
“Maybe you’re insensitive. Or maybe next time we’re around your colleagues, maybe I should put you down and degrade you. Maybe then you’ll finally get it.”
There wasn’t a hint of anger in her voice. She remained calm. The only thing that I might’ve sensed from her was disappointment. Which was worse.
I went back into the bathroom, picked up my deodorant and aftershave, and returned to our bedroom.
"Fine. Have it your way," I said before walking out and heading back down the hall to the guest suite.
* * *
What was happening? Didn’t I do enough?
I paced in the guestroom, the deodorant and aftershave still in my hand.
You'll go right back to your usual ways in a couple of weeks.
She said it so matter-of-factly that she might as well have yelled it. She wasn't accusing me of anything, and she didn’t even seem upset about it. She had that same calmness she had had for the past week. I hated it.
I didn’t know what to do with that. Anger, disappointment, those I could understand, but this calm resignation was something else completely. It confused me.
I put the stuff back in the guestroom bathroom, on the counter, not wanting to commit to the medicine cabinet, then sat on the chair in the corner of the room as if I put myself on time out.
I was still sitting there stewing when my phone rang. It was Adam.
"Hey," he said when I picked up. "Just got back from Puerto Rico yesterday. Did I miss anything?"
For a second I thought about doing the normal thing, and keep things surface level. Instead the words came out of my mouth before I could think twice about them.
"Ruby asked me for a separation."
The line went quiet.
"Oh shit."
"Last week. At dinner. Out of nowhere."
"You okay?"
"I don't know," I said. "No, you know what? I’m not okay. She wanted me to leave my own house. The home I built. I managed to stay in the guest room. Can you believe that? Anyway, I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I’m sorry, man. You can stay here if you want to.”
“No, it’s not even about that. Just forget about it. Tell me about your trip.”
“It was good. We went to Old San Juan which is always beautiful, then we drove around the island and stayed a night in different places. It’s a small island but has the beach, rainforests, mountains, it’s an amazing place.”
“Does Olivia still have family there?”
“An uncle and some cousins, but we wanted this to just be about us so we didn’t see them. We needed to get away and just have time alone together.”
“I hear you. I took some days off and Ruby and I spent some quality time together. Everything was great and I thought…” I let the thought trail off. I needed to just get past this. Sharing this, even with my best friend, wasn’t going to help.
“You thought everything was fine. Back to normal.”
“Yes,” I grunted.
“I know how you feel.” Adam paused before he started speaking again. “I never said anything, but a few years back Olivia and I almost got divorced. She said I wasn’t seeing her anymore. She said I made her feel invisible.”
“Well, she’s nuts. The two of you are great together.”
“We are now, but for a while there we weren’t.”
I set my feelings aside and listened to him. Olivia felt invisible. Ruby felt like I wasn’t hearing her. It was similar.
“What did you do?” I asked.
“I started paying attention. Like really paying attention. I realized I was taking her for granted. I wasn’t treating her like I did when we first got together, or even when we first got married. I was treating her like a buddy of mine. So I changed that.”
“How?”
“Kind of like you’re already doing. I started dating my wife again. I approached things thinking about how she would feel, not about what I wanted. And I made sure I didn’t stop doing that.”
I grunted.
“What?”
“She thinks I’m going to stop. But not just that, she thinks I talk down to her and as she says, I diminish her in front of other people.” There was silence on the other end. I checked my phone to make sure I didn’t lose him. “You there?”
“Yeah, I’m here. Listen, Oscar, she’s right.”
It stopped me. "What?"
“You did it at Jubilee and the other day when I came over to talk to her about Ocean City.”
“Now you’re both crazy,” I said, but I didn’t believe it.
I had spent so many years telling Ruby she was being sensitive that I convinced myself of it. Adam wasn’t sensitive. But he didn’t know Ruby.
“What did I say?” I asked.
“When I told you I wanted Ruby’s help, with her standing right there you asked why I would want her help, ‘of all people’.”
“I—Wait. Did I?” It was a week ago, but I could easily remember the conversation and the flicker of emotion that passed over Ruby’s face. “I didn’t mean it in a bad way. I just meant she hasn’t been working and we have architects on staff.”
“None of them are as talented as your wife. You need to see that.”
Out of the corner of my eye was the closet with Ruby’s old boxes and that napkin. She was talented. I knew that. So why would I say that?
Of all people.
And she said I had been saying things like that for years. Did I? Why?
“Listen, Oscar, I know you love Ruby, just like I love Olivia. At the time I didn’t realize I was taking Olivia for granted. I see that now. Don’t let things get any worse.”
I had a lot to think about.