Chapter Seven #2
“I’ve been thinking about our wedding,” he told me, his hand beginning to move. Up my waist. Along the edge of my breast. Over the lines of my shoulder.
“It’s not a particularly fond memory for me.”
He laughed darkly, his eyes following the trail of his hand, tracing over me until I felt his stare cresting over every inch of my face.
“I’m aware,” he acknowledged. “But that’s not what I’ve been thinking about.”
“Then what do you—” Another gulp. “What do you think about?”
“I think about the custom that we skipped.”
I felt overwhelmingly aware of the weight of those metal clasps around my wrists.
Caldrius’ gaze locked onto my lips, and the few inches between us seemed only like centimeters as he inched closer and closer. “It is customary for the husband and wife to kiss at the completion of the ceremony. Shall we give it a try now?”
I sneered in disgust at his casual manipulation and swallowed against the tingling in my gut, the sensation of pulling for magic that didn't exist, as I shoved him away from me with both hands planted firmly against his chest.
“You’re a prick!”
He fell back in a fit of easy laughter as I stood and took a few unsteady steps away from him. That easy smirk remained as he crossed his hands behind his head, leaned back against the couch and crossed one ankle over the other. A picture of calm confidence.
“Want to try to convince me again that this change in attitude isn’t a ruse?”
Gods, why did he have to make everything so difficult?
“I cannot change the fact that I am Hyrax’s daughter or your wife!” I whirled, pointing an accusatory finger at him. “You’ll forgive me if accepting those things, necessary as it is, is challenging for me.”
Caldrius’ jaw twitched almost imperceptibly, his smirk fading away softly. “And can you?”
Something had fallen over him—a sort of seriousness that sent me off balance. He watched me with such intensity that it was as if he were trying to read my mind. My hand fell like a weight to my side.
“Can you accept it?” He asked again.
There was a hint of vulnerability in his dark eyes that made me clench my hands into fists so tightly that my fingernails dug into my skin.
I didn’t want to think of him as vulnerable. It was so much easier to think of him as the man who had lied to me and stood by Hyrax as he killed countless innocent souls than it was to remember the time I had once considered him a friend.
“Accept my title?” I asked, not daring to look away. “Or accept this marriage?”
He took a deep breath, his exhale the only sound as he considered.
“Are the two not hand in hand?” He challenged, with a lifted brow.
A sudden pressure seemed to sit on my chest, making air difficult to find.
Caldrius stared at me, watching every rise of my chest and flutter of my eyelashes as he waited for my response, his feet frozen on the floor.
Truthfully, I wasn’t sure what answer he was hoping to hear from me. Did he want me to say that I could never accept either? Would that make him feel vindicated? Or did he want me to give him some hope that I could one day be the perfect replacement for the wife he had loved and lost?
“I’m not Isidore.”
The words were hardly out of my mouth before he threw his head back with an irritated huff. He stared at the ceiling for so long that I thought he might not reply at all until he moved to stand in front of me.
“I know. I don’t want you to be her.”
“Then who do you want me to be?”
His hand wrapped around the nape of my neck, his eyes turning pleading. “I want you to be you.”
My heart lurched painfully. “What if I don’t know who that is anymore?”
I had lost everything that made me who I was.
Who was I now without Clay and the others by my side?
Who was I without that electric pool of magic in my gut?
“Let me help you find yourself again.”
The sincerity in his voice only fueled the pain inside me further.
“How would you do that, Caldrius?” I snapped, pushing away from him.
“Would you take me to watch more sunsets and tell me more sad stories about how everyone in your life turned against you? Would that be enough to make me forget the way you asked Hyrax to shape me in her image? Would it make me forget the way you lied to me or the way you have stood by while he’s taken over this kingdom—my kingdom? ”
He exhaled in a rush, brow lifted as he allowed my outburst, all while gently nodding to himself. As if he had expected it. As if he were dealing with nothing more than a child throwing a tantrum.
An overly petulant child.
That was my last straw.
I turned on my heels, determined to storm into my bedroom, throw myself into bed and wait for sleep to overtake me.
Only…
I froze.
This fucking dress.
Perfect as it had been for the role I wanted to play, I hadn’t realized how late it would be by the time we returned from dinner. It was far too late to summon Nessira to help me out of it.
With my hands on my hips in frustration, I turned back to him, practically growling as he grinned in amusement.
“Need something?” He teased.
I only rolled my eyes and turned, giving him my back and sweeping my hair over my shoulder.
“It’s polite to say please.”
“Caldrius!” My patience had been spent an eternity ago.
A laugh, then the feeling of his fingers beginning to undo the laces of my corset. “Do I at least get anything in return?”
“What more could you possibly want from me tonight?”
“You could help me undress too.”
I fought the urge to jam my elbow into his stomach. “Must you always be so indecent?”
“Is it considered indecent for a wife to undress her husband?”
Breathing came easier with every tug of the laces, but as his fingers began to slow against my back, I tensed.
“You can lie to Hyrax if you want, and he might even believe it, but I know the truth.”
I needed to end this conversation—thank him for helping me with the gown, walk into my bedroom and effectively end this before it could get any worse. Without a word of response, I began walking forward.
“You’re in love with him.”
My movements halted.
Golden hair. Golden eyes.
The image of him flashed so clearly in my mind that it was as if Clay was standing in front of me. The phantom awareness of cinnamon, burnt oak, and home flooded my senses.
Longing pierced through me, sharp and relentless.
And completely undeniable.
“Yes, I am.”
I wasn’t sure what I would find if I turned to look at Caldrius’ face. Would it be anger or something else?
I didn’t want to know.
“When I first saw you in the Underworld, you looked so much like her my heart stopped.” His voice was low, a gravelly rumble in the otherwise silent chamber.
“There are certain differences that I notice now, certain freckles she had that you don’t, or how your cheeks dimple in a way hers never did.
The eyes, of course, too—you have Hyrax’s eyes.
I didn’t notice any of that then, though; I just saw Isidore and I couldn’t speak.
I could barely breathe. Then you started yelling at Hyrax, and I realized you were nothing like the wife I had loved, who had been so soft-spoken and agreeable. ”
Holding my loosened gown close to my chest, I turned, drawn to his voice.
“You looked like her, but your spirit was so much stronger. You had the unbreakable spirit of a Goddess and that was all it took for me to see you as you. After that first time, I never saw her when I looked at you.”
His fingertips circled my free wrist, his thumb rubbing against the pulse at my wrist twice before letting go. We lingered there for a moment, staring at each other wordlessly.
“There were many petitioners today,” he breathed, the change in subject sending me reeling in confusion even as icy apprehension filled me.
It wasn’t uncommon at this time of year, when the snow was starting to fall and the winter brought unique challenges, for citizens to fill the halls of the castle asking for support from their leader. Caldrius had been a king once. He had to know that.
But the pinch of his brow told me this was different from a normal gathering of petitioners.
“And?” My voice was nothing more than a whisper.
“When Pasnia opened those portals. It wasn’t just Hyrax and me who came out.”
“The Undone?”
He had once told me about the beasts that lingered in the Underworld—souls who weren’t able to forgive themselves for their misdeeds. Their guilt ate away at them until they became nothing more than bloodthirsty creatures.
He nodded, gazing on the carpeted floor at his feet. “Among other things. There are monsters roaming the streets, crops dying in the cold, unrest and confusion.”
My stomach heaved. “Why are you telling me this?”
Caldrius lifted his gaze to mine. “Because you have always been a ruler, Thea. Whether it’s as Hyrax’s heir or—” he paused, looking away uncomfortably.
“Or as his lover, those are your people, and they’re suffering.
I know what that responsibility feels like.
I just hope that you consider your moves carefully.
Hyrax isn’t someone you want as an enemy. ”
There was a beat of silence. A heaviness.
I didn’t know what to say to him.
Perhaps there wasn’t anything to say.
I nodded, walked to my bedroom, and closed the door behind me.