Chapter 1 #4
“No TV during dinner,” his wife reminded him.
“Dinner’s over for me, Reenie. I gotta know what’s going on around the city. Geez, will you look at those tie-ups?”
The TV showed an earlier snarl of traffic from the Edens Expressway to the Eisenhower.
“Poor people,” Maureen clucked. “They won’t be getting home any time soon.”
They settled in front of the TV in the family room, munching cookies and watching the news. Cozy between Harper and McKenna, Amanda could have fallen asleep.
Then McKenna jostled her elbow. “Time to hit the road. Want a ride home, Amanda? My jeep is just about as good as a snowmobile in weather like this.”
“Right, and it’s orange.” Her dad laughed. “No one’s going to run into it by mistake.”
Darkness had fallen by the time they were ready to leave. Amanda gathered her things.
“See you soon, Harper.” She gave her younger sister-in-law a quick hug and assured Maureen and Big Mike they’d be here on time tomorrow for the shower. “I hope everyone can make it.”
“You know any Kirkpatrick who stays home because of a little snow?” Big Mike cracked. “Not gonna happen. Don’t you worry.”
“You look so tired, sweetie,” Maureen whispered when she helped Amanda on with her jacket. “Those students are wearing you out. Go home and get a good night’s sleep, you hear?”
“Right, Mom.” But she couldn’t tell Maureen that a lot of her misery came from arguing with Connor.
The overhead light in the hallway detailed every wrinkle on Maureen’s face.
Connor and the boys were no doubt responsible for more than a few of them, but Maureen never complained.
Was Amanda becoming a whiner? “Um, did you by any chance hear from my parents?”
Maureen shook her head. “No. Not yet.”
Amanda looked away, embarrassed. How could Mom and Dad just ignore the invitation when this baby meant so much to her? The distance her parents were putting into their relationship hurt. “See you tomorrow, okay?”
The cold air slammed her once they got outside.
When McKenna yanked open the front door, the jeep squealed in protest. But the engine started right up.
Grabbing a brush, Amanda helped sweep off the snow.
The temperature hovered around fifteen degrees and she thought of her own car sitting on that side street overnight.
They’d practically have to chip the ice off when they finally got to it Sunday morning.
“The windows are clear enough,” McKenna finally announced. “I’ll blast the defroster and let it do the rest of the work.”
Shivering, Amanda jumped into the front seat. McKenna barreled out of the snow ridge made by the latest plow, and they were on their way. The inside was still far from warm and the two of them shivered. McKenna took the road like she was leading the Nascar pack.
The streets were empty, shrouded in white. “Christmas in Chicago,” McKenna said when they stopped for a light. “I think Harper has the right idea, staying in Savannah.”
“You must miss her.”
The light changed, and McKenna grinned as she plowed through another snowdrift. “I do but I sure enjoy visiting her. That’s the upside.”
So strange to see Harlem Avenue this deserted, without the usual backup of traffic when they came to Lake Street. Chicago had called a snow emergency and everyone was at home unless they had an urgent reason to be out in this mess.
“Are you sure you’ll make it downtown tonight? You could always stay at our place,” Amanda offered, since McKenna lived on the North Shore.
“No problem.” McKenna wore a secret smile.
“Logan’s waiting for you.”
The flush that tinted McKenna’s cheeks was not from the frigid air. “How’d you guess?”
Sometimes it felt creepy to be talking to the woman who dated Amanda’s new fertility specialist, but McKenna had been the one to link her up with both Angie and Logan Castle. “I have so much to thank you for, McKenna.”
“Happy to do it, Amanda. Angie just happened to be in my natural childbirth class. I’d been working with the social worker to get her out of an abusive situation when the issue of her finding a good home for her baby came up.
And when I got to know Logan better, I realized he’s had success with his fertility clinic.
Another natural match, that’s all. You’ve been patient, that’s for sure. ”
“Not patient enough. Your brother doesn’t think so.”
“Connor likes everything done yesterday.”
“He’s used to calling the shots.”
“This was one situation where Connor had no control, as much as it killed him,” her sister-in-law pointed out.
“It was tearing him apart,” Amanda murmured, thinking of his clenched jaw and quiet evenings.
“Connor has a sensitive side, but what the rest of the world sees is him leading the charge. He’s the guy who comes through. Every time.” McKenna had more than a little pride in her voice.
“Don’t think I don’t know that. That’s probably why I feel like I just didn’t come through for him on this.” The heat in the jeep had finally kicked in but Amanda’s teeth would not stop chattering.
“Nonsense. Hard to say why a woman can’t conceive. We’re seeing more older women in our practice at For Women. Women are just plain having babies later…” McKenna frowned.
Wasn’t often Amanda saw her sister-in-law this uncomfortable. “Maybe I’m being too personal, but are you and Logan thinking of having a baby?”
McKenna lifted one shoulder. “We’re not even engaged, okay? Babies are the last thing on our minds.”
Amanda studied her sister-in-law thoughtfully. “And why don’t I think that’s the whole story?”
“Every couple thinks about babies. It’s natural, right?” McKenna muttered, almost like she was talking to herself.
Finally, they arrived at Amanda’s little brick bungalow on the other side of North Avenue. “Will you text me when you get home?” she asked as she jumped out.
“Absolutely, but give me some time before you start to worry. The Eisenhower’s probably a mess.”
“All the more reason to take it slow. Bye, McKenna.”
“See you tomorrow. And say hi to that brother of mine.”
“Will do.” Amanda slammed the door closed. Snowflakes fell on her hair as she watched McKenna take off. What would she do without Connor’s big supportive family?
Looking up, Amanda saw the front drape being pushed aside. Her husband’s tall frame was outlined in front of their Christmas tree, where lights blazed. By the time she reached the front door, he stood in the open door, the porch light burnishing his auburn hair. “You didn’t answer my texts.”
“Oh, my gosh! I must have left my phone in your mom’s kitchen. We were decorating for the baby shower tomorrow. Sorry.” One more thing for him to be aggravated about. Wait until he heard about the car. Amanda stomped her feet on the rug inside the door.
He scanned the driveway before closing the door “How come McKenna brought you home? Where’s your car?”
She steeled herself and toed off her boots. “I got stuck and had to leave it.”
“Did it stall out?”
“No. It skidded on the ice and swung into a snow bank.”
“On Harlem?” His broad forehead wrinkled.
Swallowing hard, she met his gaze. “I know I committed a cardinal sin but I cut through the neighborhood. The car’s on a side street.”
Hands on hips, Connor dropped his head. She could almost hear him counting to ten.
“I know, I know. I’ll help you dig it out tomorrow. Were you able to trade schedules with someone so you can make it to the shower?” Quickly she chattered past the car situation.
He helped her off with her coat. “Ryan traded with me. Do you think I’d miss my own son’s baby shower?”
A shiver passed through her, icy and unwelcome. “Shhh. Let’s not tempt fate, okay?”
“You are such a worrywart. Wish you’d stop it.” Impatience frayed his voice. He sniffed her coat before hanging it in the closet. “Smells like my mother’s cabbage.”
“Oh, shoot. She gave me a container for you and I forgot it.” Could she do anything right today?
“My mother will save it for me unless Seth or Mark gets there first.”
The Kirkpatrick men were highly competitive.
“Did you have something to eat?” she asked.
“Yep. Greg cooked a pot of his famous Irish chili.”
Firehouses were known for hearty food. Amanda always knew Connor would be well fed at work. He moved closer until she could smell his soap. He had the power to melt her tension.
“Look, I’m sorry about this morning. Thought about it all day.”
“Oh, Connor, we argue too much.”
His arms cinched around her. Nudging her face up with warm lips, Connor gave her a soft kiss.
Amanda’s shoulders relaxed and the rest of her body followed.
This was the guy she’d fallen in love with when she was only a freshman at Benedictine College.
Love at first dribble. A junior star forward, he’d charged smack into her when he went up for a layup, was knocked out of bounds and sent Amanda and her popcorn flying.
Hands around his neck, she tilted her head back and smiled. “Either you miss me or you really like the taste of your mother’s corned beef.”
Connor’s deep chuckle tickled her chest. He rested his forehead against hers. “I’d show you just how much I missed you, but I’m wiped out. Sorry, babe.”
Taking her hand, he led her to the sofa and relaxed into the worn corduroy, stretching his long legs onto the old chest they used as a coffee table. Big Mike had gotten it as a result of his bundling efforts years earlier.
“That’s okay. I'm pretty tired myself.” She collapsed next to him, wanting these moments to last forever. But lately, they never did.
Connor stretched her legs over his lap. “Do you think I got the lights right this year?”
She knew a diversion tactic when she heard it. Fine with her. Their wrangling exhausted her. She studied the tree. A gazillion lights blinked against the deep green boughs. “Maybe not enough lights.”
His head swiveled. “Seriously?”
A giggle bubbled from some forgotten place. “No. You just about measured the distance between each light to get it perfect. Fine with me. I always love our tree.”
Lifting one strand of her blondish brown hair, he ran it between his fingers. A habit that never got old. “Just think of next year and how different things will be, Amanda.”
She swallowed. The vision unfolding inside held all the thrill of a roller coaster ride. Scary and exciting at the same time. How could he be so sure?
“Why are you so quiet tonight, huh? Was it our fight?” He stopped fiddling with her hair.
She pulled away. “We argue too much.”
“I know. It takes two, you know.”
Was that a slam or what? Amanda turned her eyes to the tree where the lights quickly blurred. Connor always liked everything on the table, kind of like his sister McKenna. Sometimes Amanda wished they’d both go easier with that.
“Nothing’s for sure, Connor,” she finally said. “Until it all happens, we don’t know where we’ll be next year. Angie could change her mind. The procedures could fail…again.”
“We’ve done everything possible. Covered all the bases.”
There it was again. Having a baby was work.
“You say that, but nothing’s certain, Connor.”
A muscle worked in his cheek. “This hasn’t been easy.”
“You think I don’t know that?” The words came out too fast, too sharp.
And they were right back where they’d started.
A frown ridged over his eyes and Amanda nipped her bottom lip between her teeth. For two seconds they looked at each other. She had to choose her words carefully.
“You’re right. We’ve had a heck of a time, Connor.
I get that. I know this is the season of hope and all that good stuff.
It’s just that…” She swallowed hard. Connor hated it when she cried.
Lord knows there’d been enough of that. “How many years did we try not to get pregnant? We never saw this coming.”
“No couple does.” His hands tightened into a knot between his knees.
“Don’t those early years seem so long ago, Connor?”
“They do. Five long years.”
Her heart pinched. “Wow, you say that like it’s a prison sentence or something.”
“Sorry. Nothing I say comes out right anymore.”
Or am I taking everything the wrong way?
She eased out a sigh. “Sorry, it’s just that we were so happy. Took so many precautions so we wouldn’t have a baby. We were careful.”
“Yeah, maybe too careful.” The glum note in his voice made her turn around.
“We agreed not to second-guess the decisions we made back then.”
“It’s just that sometimes I wonder if it’s my fault, even though my sperm count was okay.”
But “okay” wouldn’t do it. Not for a Kirkpatrick. “Connor, don’t. Does it bother you that you’re the oldest in your family but not leading the way with the baby making?”
He blew out a breath. “Don’t be ridiculous, Amanda. That’s not it at all.”
The two red circles burning high on his cheekbones made her wonder.
Connor took his position as the oldest child in the Kirkpatrick family pretty seriously.
He’d followed in his father’s footsteps at the firehouse.
Had he expected to lead the way in other efforts as well?
Sure, Seth and Joe hadn’t married yet, but Mark and Janie had two little boys.
James and Randy were cute as the dickens.
Malcolm had three children. The Kirkpatricks were all about family.
She felt the lack of children every time she was around their nieces and nephews. How uncomfortable was that for Connor?
He heaved a gut-deep sigh, stood up and stretched. “Sorry, babe, but I have to get some shuteye.”
She got up to snap off the tree lights. “Wish you didn’t have to work so much.”
“The new shifts are still under review. Some of the guys like it because of the twenty-four hours on and time off. But lately, they’ve had to call us in anyway.”
Amanda climbed the stairs to their bedroom while Connor made the nightly rounds on the first floor. Didn’t take long to lock everything up tight. She could hear him slide the bolt in the front door. By the time he pushed back the covers and spooned behind her, she was half asleep.
“Love you, babe.”
“Back at you.”
Some nights they’d slept far apart, so disappointed about the family thing. She liked this a lot better.
They had to have hope. But for her that night, hope felt as far away as the stars.