Chapter 2
The room was pitch dark when Amanda shook off the miserable dream.
This wasn’t the first time. She dragged herself up slowly, not wanting to wake Conner.
In the reoccurring dream she wanders through a large house following a baby’s cry.
The distant wail draws her forward. Dressed in just a nightgown, she throws open doors and dashes down dark hallways trying to find the infant.
But nothing.
She finds nothing and her arms are empty.
Easing herself out of bed, Amanda padded barefoot across the cold floor and into the nursery that still smelled faintly like paint.
No need to turn on the lights. This room was written on her heart.
Harper had come home to Chicago in late fall to work on the finer points.
Her art background had been a big help. First, she’d brushed the walls sky blue and when the paint dried, sponged the walls with a slightly darker blue.
The white clouds had been the final touch.
Some white fleecy dollops resembled plump dolphins. Others thinned into spiny sea horses.
Connor’s younger brother, Joe, had made the honey-colored pine furniture.
A bentwood rocker sat in the corner, a gift from Maureen and Big Mike—a first baby tradition.
“You’re sure going to need it, Amanda. You’ll see,” Maureen had told her with a laugh while Big Mike unloaded the chair from his pickup.
“Those nights when the baby has gas and won’t sleep. You can rock the crying away.”
Amanda ran her hands over the smooth ebony finish. The chair became the first stop for her when she came in from school. Hands on the bentwood armrests, she rocked, imagining the baby cradled in her arms. Other mothers might complain about being awakened. Not her.
When the plans with Angie were as firm as they could be and a due date had been determined, Amanda put in for a maternity leave at school. Was she tempting fate? The baby shower planned by the other teachers had filled her with reservations. Sure, she smiled and thanked them. But what if…
If. The word whispered through her mind.
They’d tried for so long and in so many ways.
How she wished she could be hopeful, like Connor.
Anything was possible for the Kirkpatricks, who shouldered through life with a confident smile and a joke.
Amanda was more like her mother who always saw the dark side.
Life was doled out in strained measure. Her mother probably approached this baby with the same skepticism that dogged Amanda right now.
No wonder her parents weren’t acknowledging the baby shower tomorrow.
Slipping into the chair, Amanda began to rock. Maureen was right. The motion was comforting.
Sitting next to Connor in church the next day, Amanda couldn’t shake her troubling dream.
She’d never share it with her husband. He’d give her one of those looks.
Men didn’t believe in dreams, did they? Filled with the scent of pine and candle wax, the service should carry hope and peace.
Crossing one leg over the other she jiggled her foot.
Keeping her eyes on her hymnal, Amanda tried to sing but the words would not come.
Every Christmas carol reminded her of babies.
“Away in a Manger” was followed by “What Child is This.” Tears blurred her vision, but she didn’t need to see the hymnal to know the words.
Connor bellowed loud enough for both of them, slightly off tune but with a lot of heart.
When they got home from church, they quickly changed clothes and drove to the spot where she’d abandoned their car.
The air felt crisp and clear, sun sparkling on the newly fallen snow.
Salt had been spread during the night. On either side of the streets were hard banks of white thrown up by the plows.
She could feel the cold in her bones. Her teeth chattered for at least a half mile before the pickup warmed up.
When they turned from Harlem Avenue onto a neighborhood street, her spirits sagged at the sight of vehicles impacted by city plows.
They were under a snow emergency but not everyone could remove their cars.
She shrank into her jacket at Connor’s exasperated sigh.
“There it is.” She pointed.
“Great.”
A bright red tow truck had pulled up alongside the Malibu and a man in green coveralls was attaching a chain to the front bumper.
“Looks like we got here just in time,” Connor said as he put their pickup in park and hopped out.
Amanda wrapped her arms around herself. Her husband approached the man working on their car with a ready smile and strong stride. Men and women found it hard to resist Connor. He was just so darn nice. Amanda crouched lower in her seat, imagining the conversation.
The Kirkpatricks had a way with people, and the family was pretty well known in this area.
Didn’t take long for the two of the men to be chortling like old pals.
By the end of the conversation, the man had detached the chain and hit the switch to retract it.
With a wave, he swung up into the cab of his truck and was off.
Plenty of work for service stations during weather like this.
Smile fading, Connor slapped his gloved hands together for warmth, walking back toward the car.
“Want me to help?” When she stepped out of the warm cab, her boots sank through the crust of snow.
“Stay in the car, Amanda. You know what the doctor said.”
The set of her husband’s chin made her climb back inside.
Connor had a point. Logan had told her to avoid lifting anything while she was undergoing the IVM.
“Not even a pile of books,” he’d said with a smile.
That had been weeks ago. Long enough for the treatment to fail.
Nerves jumpy, she craved activity and wanted to help.
After all, this was her fault, not that Connor would ever say that.
He got to work. Every scrape of the shovel made her feel guilty.
Amanda loved looking at her husband. Back in college, she went to basketball games just to watch him dribble the ball up the court.
The older girls lusted after Connor Kirkpatrick, but she ended up with him.
If anything, he’d filled out since college with not an inch of flab.
His body twisted with a steady rhythm as he heaved the heavy snow to the side.
One deep scrape and then a strong toss. When the snow had been cleared from around the car and under the wheels, he started the engine. Took a couple of tries.
The darn wipers scraped across the icy windshield. She’d forgotten to turn them off, but Connor did. Then he got out and popped open her trunk.
“Did you know your wipers need replacing?” he called out, returning with a blue scraper. She shrugged. His lips tightened while he chipped away at the ice.
Amanda glanced at the clock on the dash. The couple’s shower was a brunch, and it was past noon. The family would be waiting for them. Slipping out of the truck, she slid around to the back, reaching into her back seat for the other scraper. Clearing the windows seemed harmless enough.
Connor grabbed her wrist. “Amanda, I do not want you out here.”
“But I can help. I won’t lift heavy loads.”
“We didn’t go through all this to act stupid now.”
“You think I’m acting stupid?” Heat flooded her face. Her PMS had always been bad but lately it was crazy.
His nostrils flared. A couple beats passed. “Let’s just say, I’ve seen you better.”
Connor went back to work on the windows.
She tossed the scraper into the back seat and slammed the door.
Tromping back to the pickup, she wrenched the door open and pulled herself up inside, the sound of the scraper shearing her nerves.
She took some deep breaths, hating to admit that he had a point.
Didn’t take long for Connor to finish. Getting into her car, he eased it into the center of the road and left it running, the exhaust a white plume on the cold morning air. He came back inside.
“Meet you at your parents?”
He nodded, staring straight over the steering wheel. So, he was still upset with her?
Slipping out of the truck, she ran to her car. They had to stop sniping at each other. She wasn’t going to spoil this day.
Blasting the heat, she headed for her in-laws’ house. The warmth had just reached her toes when they turned onto the Kirkpatricks’ street.
Cars lined the road, narrowed by piles of snow deposited by plows.
She had to park about a block away and so did Conner.
They approached the house from different directions.
Head down, Connor seemed to be gathering himself.
She knew that stance and the set of his shoulders.
In silence she followed him up the walkway.
Connor always enjoyed being with his family.
But this couple’s baby shower? He didn’t know what to expect, especially since Amanda had been so touchy lately.
Everything he said made her tear up. The days before a long vacation were always hectic for her, even more so this time because of the leave coming up.
She’d been working on finalizing grades, fussing about making sure that the substitute had everything.
Maybe she was just tired. All kinds of stuff had to be settled before turning over her classes to the substitute teacher.
The walk looked slippery and he took her elbow when they met. “Careful now.”