Chapter 20
Twenty
It’s completely dark by the time I pull into my driveway, but my parents have left the porch lights on for me. It’s late, and it’s quiet on my street, with most people having gone to bed already since it’s a weeknight. Emi’s Corvette sits shiny by the curb.
I spent the drive mostly in silence, with the playlist low in the background and Emi’s pestering to confront Kalani in the foreground. I hoped the drive would give me clarity on what’s going on and how to handle the situation, but it’s only made my thoughts feel more jumbled.
I shut off the engine, and Emi and I sit in silence for a few moments with our own thoughts, neither of us moving to get out.
“You know,” Emi starts, “these last couple of weeks, you’ve gotten to go out with these guys, and granted, they were mostly awful, but you still put yourself out there!
And yeah, people are talking shit and acting like they’ve never puked out the window of a moving car before, but fuck ’em.
None of them know how kind and smart and funny and talented you are.
None of them mean shit to you. You come to school tomorrow and hold your head high knowing you’re Carina fucking Costella, and none of those shitheads at school will ever come close to your greatness. ”
I stare down at my hands. “You’re just saying that because you’re my friend.”
“You’re damn right I’m your friend! And do you know why I’m your friend?
Because of all that shit I just said. You’re amazing, Carina, and we’re best friends for a reason.
Who else will watch shitty reality television with me on mute and make up what we think they’re saying?
Who else will jam out to 80s rock at full blast and headbang until we give ourselves migraines?
Who else would give me an entire set of portraits they painted themself and make me bawl my eyes out because they somehow made me look brave, bold, and confident, when sometimes I feel anything but? ”
I don’t mean to, but I suddenly start tearing up. After everything, Emi is my friend. I should’ve known I could be open and honest with her and she would’ve listened and understood. Jay was right: I need to work on communicating how I feel more, especially to the people who care about me.
“Emi, if I’d told you I didn’t want to go on dates or have a date for prom, you wouldn’t have been mad, would you?”
Emi’s eyebrows draw together. “What? Of course not. I thought you didn’t want to try the blind dates because you were shy and comfy in your bubble but secretly you wanted to and just needed a push.
But if you genuinely didn’t want to do any of that and told us, I wouldn’t have cared.
You don’t need a date to prom, I’ve told Kalani that countless times. No one but her cared.”
Emi never cared about any of it? I wish I had taken a second to sit back and talk with her instead of assuming everyone felt like Kalani. But still, I ask, “So you don’t think I’m a fifth wheel?”
“What? Who gave you that idea?”
I don’t answer.
Emi’s face grows grim. “Kalani, right? She said that to you?”
“Well, she wasn’t entirely wrong. I do fifth wheel you guys a lot. When we’re all out, you’re all cute with Daphne, and Emmett’s with Kalani, and I’m just . . . there. She says I make it awkward because you have to worry about me.”
Emi’s jaw clenches. “You’re only a fifth wheel if we don’t want you around.
We do. I don’t know what’s gotten into Kalani lately, but she doesn’t speak for everyone.
You’re our friend, and we don’t care if you’re single or not, and we definitely don’t need to pawn you off on some guy for you to hang out with us, even if Jay’s growing on me. ”
I laugh a little at that last part. “You really don’t care, do you?”
Emi looks me straight in the eyes and says, “We’re best friends. I always want you around.”
She says it like it’s the most obvious answer in the world, and suddenly I feel really dumb.
Emi clearly doesn’t care about any of the things I was worrying over.
All this time, I was doing things I didn’t want to do and worrying that my friends didn’t want me around, and it all could’ve been solved by a simple conversation.
Jay was right, and this time I won’t mind hearing him gloat about it once I tell him.
Keeping that in mind, I take a breath for the confidence to say what I should’ve said from the very first day.
“I don’t want to go on the blind dates anymore.
I never wanted to. I only agreed because I thought if I didn’t, you and Kalani would stop inviting me to hang out with you.
I love Daphne and Emmett, and I love hanging out with all five of us together, but I miss having that one-on-one time with you and Kalani.
Those days where we’d stay up till three in the morning watching scary movies even though we talked through them and had no idea what was going on.
Or those times we’d bike up that big hill on Main Street and be so tired we’d call your dad to come pick us up.
Or those times we all sat in my room on lazy afternoons sending funny memes and videos to each other.
I just miss you guys, and I’m scared that we’re going to drift apart now that we’re graduating and heading off to different universities in the fall. I don’t want to lose my best friends.”
I feel vulnerable laying my feelings bare for her like that.
In fact, it’s the exact type of confrontation I’ve spent forever trying to avoid.
But now that the words are out, I can’t take them back, and that gives me some sense of relief, knowing that I can’t take the easy way out by staying silent.
“I don’t know where you think I’m going,” Emi starts, a determined look on her face, “but you’re stuck with me.
You’re going to walk into your house and bam, I’m there trying to force Kevin to let me pet her.
You’re going to try to reverse out of your parking spot at school and bam, I’m in the rearview mirror with a bag of chicken tacos.
You’re going to be in the lecture hall for exams and bam, I’m the girl sitting behind you chewing her gum too loudly. ”
I laugh at Emi’s dramatic scenarios, the heaviness in my chest dissipating. “I get it, I get it; you’re not going anywhere.”
Emi’s smile is wide and confident. “You got that right. And I’m sorry for getting caught up in the new girlfriend excitement and doing that thing people do where they get in a relationship and get so wrapped up in that person they suddenly forget about their friends.
That’s not cool of me, and I didn’t even realize I was doing it. ”
“No, Emi, you’re great. You still made time for us with the group dates. I should’ve said something, or at least tried a bit harder to make plans for just the three of us.”
“Oh shit.” Emi covers her face with her hands. “You did. You always asked me and Kalani to hang out. Like the art exhibit you wanted to see! And we always hijacked the plans and invited our partners.”
“I like hanging out with Daphne and Emmett too, though! I didn’t mind!
” I add quickly. I’m not trying to say I don’t want them to bring their partners around ever, because that’s not the case at all!
I like their partners, and I like hanging out with them all, and I’d never tell her to stop inviting Daphne out.
“No, I know, that’s beside the point,” Emi says.
“I know you like hanging out with us all, and that doesn’t make you a fifth wheel or whatever stupid bullshit Kalani said.
But we shouldn’t have forgotten about our friendship or made you feel like we’re only dragging you along on our dates.
We’re still friends and can hang out with and without our partners!
In fact, let’s go to that art exhibit you keep bringing up tomorrow after school. ”
“Oh, it was only for a limited time. It’s not here anymore.”
Emi’s eyes widen. “Shit. I’m so sorry, Carina. You brought it up so many times, and we never seriously considered it. Maybe we can find out where they’re going next and do a road trip!”
It’s sweet of her but unnecessary. “Don’t worry . . . Jay took me,” I add, feeling shy for some reason.
“Jay took you?” Emi’s eyebrows rise to her hairline before her lips tug up in a smug smile.
“Well, now I feel like I need to be the one to tell you not to forget about your friends in this exciting new partner stage! Just because you have a hot new boyfriend you like to have angsty bantering foreplay with doesn’t mean you can blow me off. You better make time for me!”
I laugh and shove her, though there’s nowhere for her to go in the confined space of the car. Jay is not my boyfriend—I don’t even have time to worry about what’s going on between the two of us right now—but it feels great to have cleared the air between me and Emi.
“We do not have ‘angsty bantering foreplay’!”
She laughs along with me, and the sound is light and carefree. “You so do. And it is the angstiest and banteryist.”
“Shut up.” I laugh, not meaning it.
“Well, since you’re about to be caught up in your hot new boyfriend and forget to make time for me, let’s have designated BFF nights: one day every week or two, just the two of us and no partners.
That way, we can have meaningful BFF time before we go away to school, and our partners won’t get sick of us being around them all the time. ”
My smile is wide and genuine when I say, “I’d like that.”
“C’mere, you,” Emi demands, pulling me in for a hug. It’s awkward because the center console of my car is in the way, but it’s meaningful and sweet and healing nonetheless.
I feel immensely better now that I got everything off my chest. By not saying anything before, I was expecting change without doing anything to make my thoughts heard. But now Emi knows how I feel, and we’re even better friends than we were before.
I’m making a promise to myself right now that I’m going to work on being honest about how I’m feeling and not hold back because I’m scared of hard conversations.
Not all confrontation is bad—and even if it is, sometimes it’s necessary.
I can’t keep living with this tight ball of anxiety in my chest, doing things I don’t want to because I’m uncomfortable sharing my true thoughts and feelings or I’m scared of rejection.
But even with my new attitude, I’m avoiding the biggest confrontation that’s been impending for maybe years now: a real talk with Kalani.
Being open with Emi was easy. I didn’t have a crush on her partner, and she’s not the one who recorded a video of me and sent it out to everyone to embarrass me.
She’s not the one who made me feel like a fifth wheel or came up with the idea of setting me up on blind dates then purposely made sure they’d fail.
Why? To humiliate me? To make me feel bad? So she could tell me it’s my fault they’re failing and make me think something’s wrong with me?
Is it even possible to have a real, truthful, constructive conversation with Kalani? Obviously, something about me is bothering her, because her actions aren’t coming from nowhere. This is a conversation both of us need, but will we even be able to have it, or are Kalani and I past that point?
Emi and I say goodbye, and I wave from the porch as she gets in her car, honking as she takes off, not caring that most people are in bed already.
Kevin’s waiting for me when I enter the house, jumping up and wagging her little tail like she hasn’t seen me in months. I pet her and kiss her and coo at her like I do every time I enter the house, and she flops on her back for belly rubs, loving the attention.
I love her. Kevin is really my best friend. She always cheers me up and is happy to just be with me. Kevin doesn’t send me on bad dates or take joy in my humiliation. She follows me up the stairs and into my room, where I place her on my bed. She promptly curls up in her spot and falls asleep.
As I gather my things for a shower, my phone pings. It’s a message from Jay.
Are you home? How are you feeling?
I type a reply back to him.
Yes, I’m home. And I’m feeling much better. Telling people how I really feel is great.
His answer is immediate.
Good. Don’t shy away from confrontation. If it helps, just imagine everyone is me and you’re pissed, which shouldn’t be too hard for you, and the truth will come pouring out.
I laugh at my phone. There’s something about Jay that both frustrates and excites me.
Emi says that’s “angsty, bantering foreplay,” and the realization makes me laugh harder.
I debate telling Jay about Emi’s theory, but he’ll probably enjoy it too much and say something annoying to tease me and make my face turn bright red, so I decide against it.
Instead, I send this.
Thanks for tonight, Jay. I had a lot of fun. Just what I needed to forget about everything before class tomorrow.
You let me know if those fuckheads at school give you a hard time tomorrow.
I’m not sure what he’d even do, but the comfort of knowing he cares enough to threaten a bunch of kids he’s never met before and who could possibly be bigger than him—which isn’t the case, but he doesn’t know that—causes fluttering in my stomach.
I’m not sure what exactly we’re doing or where we stand with each other, but that’s one conversation I’m okay with saving until later. I have bigger things to worry about right now, and tomorrow’s the day I set everything straight.
I’ll be okay, have a good night, Jay.
Good night, Princess.
And because of him, it is a good night.