Chapter 22 #2
“I started to enjoy that you were miserable. You hated going on the dates. And not only that, but you hated pretending you were excited about it, you hated the actual guys, and the worse the dates were, the happier it made me.”
I can’t even process her words, so I try and fail a few times before I get out, “Do you even hear yourself? You’re supposed to be my best friend, Kalani!”
“Am I?” she fires back, a bitter edge to her voice. “These days, you’re closer to Emi than you are to me. You and I don’t have an ‘Ultra Fun Setlist of Stupid Bands’ or whatever it is you have with Emi.”
“This is about you being jealous of Emi?” I ask incredulously. “We’ve been best friends since grade two, Kalani. Grade two!”
“So what? That doesn’t mean shit. We’re going to university soon, do you really think we’re still going to talk?”
“Well, that was the plan before all of this!”
Kalani laughs humorlessly. “Of course you thought that. Everyone leaves eventually, Carina. But it’s not like you could ever comprehend that.”
There was never any doubt in my mind that we’d still be friends when we went to university. In fact, I was scared that she would forget about me, not the other way around!
“You’re not making any sense, Kalani! What are you talking about?”
With a frustrated huff, Kalani exclaims, “Your life is perfect, Carina! Your parents are awesome and love you, you and Emi are BFFs, half the guys in school are in love with you, you’re talented and pretty, and even your mean dog with the stupid name loves you.”
“Don’t talk about Kevin like that!”
“This isn’t about Kevin!” she shouts, angrily wiping away a few tears that escaped.
“My life is falling apart; I’m losing everyone.
My parents are still in a brutal divorce arguing over every cent and asset, but you know what they aren’t fighting over?
Me and Maleah. Actually, they’re fighting about not wanting custody of us.
Ailani picked up and moved to California and barely, if ever, answers her phone.
Maleah thinks it’s lame to be seen with her older sister.
Emi has always been too cool for me, and I was losing you to her.
So when Emmett asked me if you liked him at the beginning of the year, I told him you didn’t, and we ended up going out instead. ”
“Wait, what?”
Emmett asked about me?
“He was going to ask you out, Carina,” she says in a defeated tone, running a hand through her hair as she backs away from me. “I lied. I told him he’d only embarrass himself and make things awkward if he did because you didn’t feel the same way.”
She knew how I felt about him. I ranted about how in love I was with Emmett every day, and how I would do anything for him to feel the same way and ask me out. He was going to—he wanted to! And she stopped it.
She must know what I’m about to say because she quickly defends herself.
“I was losing everyone, while things always seemed to effortlessly fall into place for you! I couldn’t stand you having Emmett too—having another thing perfectly align itself to contribute to your perfect life.
So I asked him out, mostly out of spite, but real feelings formed. ”
We stare at each other, her chest heaving with anger and frustration and her hair whipping around as the wind picks up. Thunder booms behind her, but neither of us makes a move to leave.
I can’t believe her. Emmett told her he liked me, and she sabotaged me because she didn’t want me to be happy?
“I don’t even know where to start with what you’ve just said,” I fume, trying to wrap my mind around it.
She rolls her eyes and edges away from me.
“It doesn’t matter. You can’t have everything, Carina.
I may be losing my home and my family and my friends, but I’ll always have Emmett.
He gives me the stability I need. He’s consistent and reliable, and he gives me a solid sense of home, and I’m not going to lose him to you. ”
“I was never trying to steal Emmett from you!” I shout, bewildered that I even have to clarify it.
“When you told me you guys started dating, I never even told you not to or that it was terrible of you to date him knowing I’d been in love with him for years.
I didn’t say that you were a shitty friend for not even talking to me about it.
I sucked it up and told you I was happy for you.
But I should’ve said something. You should’ve said something.
You knew how I felt about Emmett, and we just pretended like the second you started dating him, my crush magically went away.
” Wetness lands on my cheeks, but it hasn’t started raining yet.
Unleashing everything I’ve kept pent up all this time has cracked my chest wide open, overwhelming me with all the sadness and anger and betrayal and frustration I’ve pushed down and locked away.
Wiping away the tears, I continue, “It doesn’t work like that, Kalani!
And when you heard me talking to my mom about my crush on Emmett last month, you should’ve said something instead of forcing me to go on terrible dates as punishment, just like I should’ve said something when you and Emmett started dating.
But I didn’t realize how screwed up our friendship is, or how you thought about our friendship, how you thought of me.
Maybe it started from us not talking about Emmett, but we could’ve gotten past that.
You could’ve told me how you were feeling about everything, how you were worrying about being left behind. That’s what friends are for.”
Standing here on the edge of a cliff, with raging water rushing below us and thunder rumbling in the sky as we each angrily swipe away tears and vent without holding back, I realize Kalani and I were both afraid of the same thing.
Neither of us wanted our friends to move on and forget about us, and neither of us said anything.
“You could never understand,” Kalani says accusingly.
“You have everything! I was jealous. I knew it wasn’t right, but I would come over to escape the fighting at my house, and your dad would bring up cookies and tell you he loved you.
People would stop and talk to you in the halls even though I was the one who was making an effort to get to know everyone.
Do you know that when I signed up to run for prom queen, the head of the committee asked if you were going to run too? You!”
“Are we even best friends?” I ask, throwing my arms up. “Everything from these last few days and everything you’re saying today leads me to believe you don’t even like me.”
“That’s not true.”
“Kal, you literally said you got enjoyment from my misery. Friends don’t do that! And you took a video of me puking and made me the laughingstock of the school. Of the internet. Why? How could you do that to me?”
Kalani stills, and I can tell she’s mulling over what to say when she slowly admits, “Emmett’s been .
. . interested in you . . . more than normal .
. . ever since the dates started. Asking about you and talking about you and stuff.
I don’t know if he’s jealous or excited for you or .
. . I don’t know. But I know he wanted to go out with you and settled for me when he thought you didn’t feel the same.
But I love him, Carina, and I’m jealous, okay?
We were driving behind you when you puked, and I was upset and just started recording before I thought about it. ”
Even after everything she just admitted to, and even with all the evidence stacked against her, some part of me was still holding on to the hope that it wasn’t her who recorded me and sent it out.
But now she’s admitted it out loud, and those words come hand in hand with what’s most likely the beginning of the end.
Despite everything she’s said, I still feel the need to comfort her. Like the fight has been drained from me, I insist, “Emmett didn’t settle for you, Kalani.”
Kalani makes a face like she disagrees but doesn’t vocalize her thoughts.
Instead, more solemnly now, she says, “I know these last few weeks have been screwed up, but if I regret anything, it’s taking that video and sending it out.
I wasn’t thinking, and I’m genuinely sorry, Carina.
I never meant to make you a laughingstock. ”
Her apology sounds genuine, and I really do believe her, but still, I cry for the friendship we’ve ruined.
“This all could’ve been avoided if we’d just talked to each other.
And it’s not your fault alone, it’s mine too.
If I wasn’t so scared of confrontation, we could’ve handled this way back at the beginning of the year, and we could’ve spent all this time as best friends, real best friends, instead of you silently resenting me and me fearing you dropping me as a friend because of my crush on Emmett.
But maybe dropping me as a friend would’ve been for the best.”
Kalani steps back from me like my last statement was a silent blow. “I was scared of losing you, but I ended up pushing you away anyway.”
Her movement tunes me into our surroundings, and for the first time, I realize we’ve been steadily migrating toward the edge of the cliff. Kalani must not have noticed either as she’s right by the edge, and as she takes another step backward, I scream out, “Kalani! Stop—”
But I’m too late. Kalani has taken that step, and her arms pinwheel for a second before she loses her balance and slips. She’s gone in a blink.
Her terrified scream rings in my ears as I charge to the ledge and launch myself off.
The fall lasts forever but happens so fast. The air whips around me and the cliffs blur and my stomach flies into my throat and my breath is sucked out.
I smash into the turbulent water so hard it disorients me.
I don’t know which way to swim for the surface, and panic claws at my chest. My first instinct is to open my mouth and take a breath, but I force myself to stop thrashing long enough to open my eyes and search for Kalani.
A flash of dark hair and bubbles has me spinning around, and I spot her flailing as she tries to swim despite not knowing how to.
My own lungs screaming at me, I push toward her and grab her. Together, we kick to the surface, breaking it and gasping for air, tears mixing with the water as I tread for the two of us.
There’s a splash beside us, and it’s Nico breaking the surface, followed by Ralph not too far behind him, and I’ve never been so happy to see a Santa-and-turkey shirt in my life.
“Carina!” Ralph yells, swimming powerfully toward us as I struggle to keep my and Kalani’s heads above water with the angry storm waves hitting our faces.
“Ralph! We’re here!” I call out, swallowing more water with every wave that pushes us back under.
Despite knowing how to swim, I’m not the strongest at it, especially not in choppy waves and double especially not when I’m trying to support another person, so I’m flooded with relief when Ralph and Nico finally reach us.
They grab Kalani from me, and with heavy legs and watery lungs, we struggle through the rough waves to land.
We crawl onto the rocky shore, coughing and panting and crawling just far enough away from the shore to be deemed safe before flopping onto our backs and sucking air into our desperate lungs.
“Holy shit,” Ralph gasps as Nico catches his breath beside him. “Kalani, we saw you fall and Carina dive in after you. That was the scariest shit I’ve ever seen in my life.”
“Thanks for coming in after us,” I say to the two of them between gasps. They didn’t have to leap in after us—no one should be jumping or swimming in this weather—but I’m immensely glad they did. I’m not sure I would’ve been able to tow the both of us to shore without their help.
Distantly, over the roaring wind and waves, voices call out to us. Nico and Ralph stand, jumping and waving at the few very concerned people left on the cliff who just witnessed everything and are yelling to make sure we’re all okay.
Kalani’s on her back beside me, limbs spread out, breathing just as hard and fast as I am.
“You jumped in after me,” Kalani asks, though it comes out as a statement.
Without moving, since I’m still breathless, I reply, “Well, duh. You can’t swim.”
Like she needs clarification, she struggles to sit up and gazes down at me.
Her makeup is smudged all around her eyes, and her thick, curly hair hangs soaked around her face like a limp curtain.
“You jumped off a cliff even though you’re terrified of heights, in the middle of stormy weather, after everything I said? After everything I did?”
I blink up at her. “Just because you haven’t been a true friend to me doesn’t mean I want you to drown.”
She studies me for a moment then lies back on the ground beside me.
“I’m sorry for being a shitty friend,” she says to the dark sky.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been more up-front and honest about my feelings,” I admit, watching the clouds rolling in. “Not just about Emmett, but everything.”
The two of us are quiet, and Ralph and Nico must be giving us our moment because I can hear them rustling around behind us, wringing out their clothes, but neither interrupts us.
“Does this mean you forgive me?” Kalani asks hesitantly, though there’s noticeable resignation in her voice.
“I don’t know,” I confess. “So much has happened, and I haven’t even had a chance to really process it.”
We’re quiet for another moment, finally catching our breath, watching the wind shake the trees and cause a chill to run up my body. I can’t believe I jumped off the cliff. I can’t believe I voluntarily launched myself sixty feet toward my impending death in merciless stormy water and survived.
“Do you think we’ll ever be friends again?” Kalani asks.
I sit up when there’s a flash of lightning followed by a clap of thunder.
The water is dark and scary, and I’m astounded that I was swimming in that just moments before.
A lot of things have been said tonight, and it’s made me realize that maybe Kalani and I don’t really know each other as well as I thought.
“I’m not sure,” I answer honestly, even though it’s upsetting.
The sky finally cracks open, and cold rain descends on us, blurring everything and making the ground beneath us soft and muddy.
Beside me, Kalani sits up. “Yeah. Me neither.”