13. Chapter Thirteen #3
"Especially because you're a mess. We're all messes, Sarah. But now, we're just messes together."
I drive back to Kevin's place. Let myself in with the key that's starting to feel less like a tool for my side hustle job and more like there’s a reason it belongs on my keychain.
Ranger greets me at the door with his whole body wagging.
"Hey buddy." I scratch behind his ears. "Miss your dad?"
He woofs softly.
"Me too."
I wander through the condo. Restless.
The guest room feels too small tonight. Too temporary. Like I'm just passing through instead of staying.
My feet carry me to Kevin's bedroom before I can overthink it.
His bed is perfectly made. Military corners. Everything in its place.
The closet door is slightly open. I can see his jerseys folded on the top shelf.
I reach for the home jersey that I wore for the Vegas game and put back this morning. It still smells like him. A little sweaty. A little perfect.
I pull it over my head without letting myself think about what it means.
I catch my reflection in his mirror.
I look like a girlfriend.
Like someone who has the right to wear his clothes and sleep in his bed and miss him when he's gone for three days.
Like someone who's in way over her head and doesn't know how to get back to shore.
My phone buzzes.
??Sunshine
How was girls' night?
Good. Bridgerton and ginger ale. Very sophisticated.
??Sunshine
Sounds perfect. You have fun?
Yeah. Your friends are great.
??Sunshine
They're your friends too, you know.
I think about what Paige and Quinn and Lindy said. About how playing it safe was just a different kind of hurt.
I can’t go all in, I know that. But I can choose tonight to be in the moment and not build walls with texted words.
How's Utah?
??Sunshine
Mountains. Cold. The usual.
Poor baby.
??Sunshine
I'd rather be home.
Home.
Not Austin. Not his condo.
Home.
Like maybe it's a place that has room for me.
One more sleep until your game.
??Sunshine
Too long.
Very dramatic. Focus on hockey.
??Sunshine
Yes ma'am. You gonna watch tomorrow?
Maybe. If I'm not too busy with very important rescue business.
??Sunshine
Sarah…
Fiiiine. I'll watch. In the jersey. Like I promised. ??
??Sunshine
Thank you.
Get some sleep, Sunshine.
??Sunshine
Sweet dreams, baby.
I stare at that last word.
Baby.
Not Sarah. Not a typo.
Baby.
I should call him out on it. Make a joke. Play it off like he's being goofy — because you can't read too much into something that's goofy, right?
I should go back to the guest room. Take off his jersey. Put it back where I found it.
But I don’t. Because I want to be his baby, just for tonight.
Without rationalizing it any further, I climb into his bed.
The sheets smell like him. The pillow smells like him. Everything in this room is Kevin and I'm drowning in all of it.
I think about Quinn's words. About Kevin asking questions about timing and life decisions. About what he's playing for.
I think about his contract year. About him potentially leaving Austin. About having a deadline I didn't know existed.
My hand slides under the jersey. Over my stomach. Then lower.
I shouldn't.
This is his bed. His space.
But I can't stop thinking about him.
About the board meeting and how good he looked in that suit. About the way he'd texted "I'd rather be home" like home meant something more than just a location.
My fingers slip past the lace of my underwear.
I imagine him coming home early. Walking through that door. Finding me here like this — in his bed, in his jersey, wanting him.
Would he stop in the doorway, just staring?
Or would he cross the room in three strides and kiss me like he's been thinking about nothing else for days?
I imagine his hands replacing mine. His mouth on my neck. His voice in my ear saying my name like it's the only word that he knows.
Sarah.
My fingers move faster. Building.
I imagine him above me. Inside me. Making me feel things I shouldn't feel for someone who's supposed to be just my friend.
I imagine him saying things we haven't said yet. Things that would change everything.
When I come, his name takes the air from my throat. I bite my lip to stay quiet even though there's no one here except Ranger to hear me.
After, I lie there staring at the ceiling. My heart’s racing. His jersey is sticking to my skin.
Tomorrow, he plays Utah. Tomorrow, I'll watch and wear this jersey and tell myself it's just superstition.
But tonight, alone in his bed, I can admit the truth I've been running from.
This isn't casual.
This hasn't been casual for a long time.
And Kevin leaving Austin — leaving me — would hurt more than anything has ever hurt me before.
I don't know what to do about any of it.
But for tonight, I can simply let myself want him. Miss him. Imagine what it would be like if I was brave enough to tell him the truth.
That somewhere between Wing Wednesday and board meetings and wearing his jersey while he's however many states away, I fell.
Hard.
And the only thing scarier than Kevin leaving Austin?
Waking up the day after he realizes a guy like him deserves more than a girl like me.