Chapter Twenty-Six
The next day Ryleigh forced herself to send the simple, four-word text.
We have to talk.
Alex responded almost immediately saying he agreed. They set up a time for that evening. He said he would arrange for a sitter,
which she appreciated. She didn’t need any witnesses to her humiliation when she told Alex she loved him and he said thanks
but no thanks.
As the hour approached, she fought nausea and a burning need to make a sudden trip to Utah, but in the end, she was waiting
when he knocked on her door.
She let him in.
“Hi. How are you—” She stared at him. “What happened?”
Normally Alex looked rested and fit, but today he seemed exhausted. There were dark circles under his eyes and a strange set
to his shoulders.
“Are you sick?” she demanded.
“I haven’t been sleeping.” He walked into her apartment. “Did Cheryl tell you?”
Cheryl? “Tell me what?”
Instead of answering, he collapsed onto the sofa and began petting Lucy.
“She didn’t. I wondered. She said no one knew but her. I should have listened. Not that it matters now.”
Ryleigh moved to the chair opposite the sofa. “You’re scaring me. Alex, what are you talking about? Why haven’t you been sleeping?
Is something wrong? Are you sick? Is Noah?” Dread formed a rock in her stomach.
“It’s not that. We’re fine.” He shifted and pulled a diary out of his back pocket. “Cheryl gave me this. It’s Kim’s.”
Ryleigh stared at the slim book. “I didn’t know she’d started a diary.”
“Me, neither. It was with the unclaimed ones and Cheryl thought I should have it.” He set it on the coffee table. “I’ve read
it a thousand times.”
Ryleigh’s heart sank as she realized what his words meant. Reading Kim’s words would have brought back all the feelings he
had around losing her. The love, the unfairness, the sadness, which meant he was even more lost to her than he had been. Given
all that, he wouldn’t want to hear that she was in love with him. Not now. Not ever.
“You miss her so much,” she whispered. “She was your everything.”
“She was. In the diary she talks about how she hated leaving me and Noah. How she was sad and angry and there was nothing
she could do to stay with us.”
Ryleigh told herself she wasn’t going to cry. “But now you have another piece of her, Alex. She left a part of herself behind.”
“Maybe, but she’s gone. I knew in my head, I did the mourning, but somehow I could never take that last step and let go. I
didn’t want to let go.”
And I still don’t.
She braced herself for the words, but what he said instead was, “She wants me to find someone and fall in love.”
Ryleigh stared at him. “What?”
“It’s in the diary. She talks about how she wants me to give my heart to someone because I was exactly what she needed me
to be all our lives.” He blinked several times. “She said I was so good to her at the end. She could see how much I had to
give and she wants to make sure someone else knows what it’s like to be loved by me.”
She moved to the sofa and opened her arms. He drew her close and they clung to each other, both giving in to tears.
“I know you loved her,” she whispered, holding on tight. “More important, she knew, Alex. She knew you were going to stand
by her forever.”
“I wanted to. I was so pissed she was dying. We were supposed to have forever. And then she was gone.”
After a few seconds he drew back. “I don’t remember much about those first few weeks,” he told her, his lashes wet with tears.
“It’s a dark blur of pain and trying to take care of Noah.”
She nodded. “It was so hard.”
“You were there for us. You kept us together and took care of us. I was grateful. We became friends, good friends.”
She told herself not to react, but to just listen.
“You’re a big part of our lives, Ryleigh. I can’t imagine doing all this without you. But it’s more than that.” One corner
of his mouth turned up. “It turns out I’m an idiot. I don’t want to sleep with you.”
The blow nearly took her down. Despite her intention not to react, she felt herself recoil, heard herself gasp. She tried
to scramble away but her legs weren’t working.
“No!” He grabbed. “I’m saying it all wrong. No! I don’t want to just have sex. I want to make love, Ryleigh. I want to love you. I want to be in love with—”
He swore. “I am in love with you. That’s what I’m saying. All this time, I’ve been in love with you. Maybe I didn’t want to
admit it because I didn’t feel like I should.” He touched the diary. “It’s like she gave me permission to tell you what’s
in my heart.”
The wild swing of emotions was too much, she thought, trying to take in his words. Then what he’d said sank in and she found
herself backing away again.
“Wait, what?”
He gave her a sheepish smile. “I love you. I have for a while. I love you and I want us to be together, if that’s what you
want.” He held up a hand. “I know what you’re going to say. It’s all I’ve been thinking about. You have dreams.”
He loved her? Alex loved her?
“You want to move to San Diego,” he continued. “I get it. I don’t want to lose you, so if you want, we can go, too.”
“What are you talking about?”
His expression softened. “I know you got the job offer and I know you didn’t want to tell me.”
“How did you know? Jax wouldn’t have said anything.”
“You had a second interview. Of course they’re going to make you an offer.”
“They did. I haven’t answered them yet.” She stood up and moved so she was standing behind the chair, facing him. “Wait. Just
wait. I don’t understand any of this. You’re in love with me.”
“Yes.”
“So you want to start dating? We’d be a couple?”
“Yes.”
“Then why would we move to San Diego? That was all about finding someone to fall in love with. I’ve done that already. I don’t
want to move, I want to stay here and—”
She had more to say but suddenly he was holding her and kissing her, making it even harder to think.
“You love me,” he murmured against her mouth. “You didn’t want to lead with that?”
She smiled. “Sorry. I was kind of distracted by what you were saying.”
He gazed into her eyes. “So we’re in love.”
“We are.”
“Is this a permanent, forever kind of love?”
“It is for me,” she whispered.
“Me, too.”
“Good.”
They stared at each other. He smiled.
“It’s too soon to make it official,” he told her. “But in a few weeks, I’m ready for the next, forever level if you are.”
“I am,” she whispered, feeling the rightness of the moment. This time she would say yes. This time she would say she wanted
the rest of her life with him.
“Good.” He kissed her. “I love you. We can move if you want.”
She slapped his arm. “No one’s moving. We’re staying right here, where we both belong.”
“Good.” He stroked her cheek, then kissed her again. “But we’ll sell the house and buy a new one.”
She thought about that for a second. “I don’t think I need a different house,” she said slowly. “Maybe we can make a few changes,
but I’m okay staying there.”
“You’re not concerned about the Kim memories?”
“No. I like them. They make us who we are.”
He started kissing her again, this time inching her backward. “We have two hours until I have to be home.”
“That long? Whatever will we do with the time?”
Jax wasn’t sure if anyone would show up for the July Diary Days. After the debacle of taking down the wall, she didn’t know
if everyone had been scared away. But exactly at ten in the morning, people started walking in with their old diaries. A few
bought new ones.
Cheryl took charge and there were a couple of employees on hand to do any required ladder climbing.
Once Jax saw things were flowing smoothly, she retreated to her office where she pulled out her phone and started to text Marcus.
As she had fifty-seven thousand times before, she got halfway through a sentence, then deleted it.
What was she supposed to say? Hi. It’s me. I messed up?
Wasn’t that a message better delivered in person? Besides, what were the odds that he wanted to talk to her, or in this case,
listen to her grovel? Romantic relationships were stupid and she was perfectly happy—
“Are you ever going to finish your sentence?”
She gasped as she looked up and saw Marcus standing in the doorway to her office.
“You’ve been almost texting me for a week,” he added, his expression unreadable.
He looked good, she thought as her mouth went dry and her throat got all tight. Handsome, tall, solid. And here. He was here.
That had to be good, didn’t it?
“I don’t apologize well,” she said. “It’s a flaw. I have several.”
“I’m clear on that.”
“Is that you being funny?”
“No. Stating the obvious.”
She drew in a breath, then motioned for him to step inside. She closed the door behind him.
The small office seemed to shrink a little. There was nowhere for her to go and hide. She glanced at the floor, the walls,
then back at him.
“I wanted to talk to you,” she began. “About before. And other things.” She twisted her fingers together. “This is hard for
me. All of it. You’re right—I wasn’t looking to date anyone. I’m not sure I know how to be in a relationship, which is pretty
tragic at my age. I’ve been married.”
“And divorced.”
She eyed him but didn’t think he was being sarcastic. “Yes, well, and divorced. It turns out I’m afraid to be vulnerable because
being vulnerable means not being in control. I don’t want to have to need a man, and love requires, you know, need. It’s just
I thought I was fine alone and I am, but I don’t think I want to be alone forever. And I’m afraid that by the time I get myself
into dating shape, you’ll have moved on, which makes sense. So that leaves me thinking that I need to say yes, dating. Scary
but ultimately good.”
She pressed her lips together as she realized there was still a very large elephant that had to be addressed.
“I’m sorry I’m not in love with you now, although I will say it was a really unfair question. It’s not like you’re in love
with me and who asks that.” She ignored the voice in her head that whispered she actually had no idea if he was in love with
her and decided to plow forward.
“I think the real question was did I see us going anywhere. So let me answer that. I would like us to go somewhere. I mean
the relationship. I think we could date exclusively and have sex and if that all goes well, then start hanging out with my
kids and your friends. And if that works, then we take the next step and so on.”
She paused as she realized she was the only one doing the talking. In fact Marcus hadn’t said much of anything at all. Oh,
God! What if he was over her? What if he was already seeing someone else? After all, there were so many women lurking everywhere.
“And if you’re not interested, then we can pretend this conversation never happened,” she said, averting her gaze. “I’m done
now.”
He looked at her. “You’re really bad at this.”
She hung her head. “I am.”
“I mean seriously bad. I’m going to have to date you because no one else would be able to get through that convoluted info dump.”
“Hey!” She jerked up her head only to see him smiling at her. “I’m sorry about before. The laughing and all of it.”
“I shouldn’t have mentioned the L word so soon.”
“No, you should not. Don’t do that. I have to get there on my own.”
He watched her carefully. “Is getting there an option?”
She squeezed her eyes tightly closed and took the first step of faith. “Yes,” she whispered.
“Works for me.”
She opened her eyes and stared at him. “What does that mean?”
“We can start dating. You seem desperate and as we’ve already discussed, not ready to be out on your own. I’ll have to protect
you.”
She put her hands on her hips. “I could sock you really hard in the arm.”
“You could.” His tone was conversational. “Or you could kiss me and we could get going toward that next step.”
She stepped close. He put his hands on her waist and pressed his mouth to hers.
“We have to get better at this,” he said when they pulled back.
“Agreed.”
“Actually I’m fine. You’re the problem.”
She sighed. “I know. I’m trying.”
There was a strange scratching noise at the door followed by a loud squawking sound. Jax opened it and Ramon flew in.
“Mr. Darcy! Mr. Darcy!” He fluttered around them before landing on Marcus’s shoulder.
“Hey, Ramon. I’ve missed you.”
“For I am the Lorax.”
Marcus grinned. “That would be one of the reasons. How’s it working out with Huckleberry?”
“Good,” she said. “He’s very friendly. Customers have been bringing him cat beds. I think we’re up to twenty.”
“I’m sure Huckleberry appreciates the options.” He pulled her close. “As long as we keep showing up, we’re going to be okay.
Whatever happens, we’ll talk about it, even when we don’t know what to say.”
“Agreed.”
Ramon hopped over to her shoulder and nuzzled her cheek. “I like myself better when I’m with you.”
Jax smiled. “That’s from Tuesdays With Morrie.”
“Is it?” Marcus smiled. “You have eclectic reading tastes.”
“Comes with the job.”
He kissed her again. “Speaking of which, I should probably let you get to it. You’re back with the kids this week, right?”
She nodded.
“Okay, then Monday for dinner?”
She thought about how many days away that was and how much time they had to make up for.
“How about dinner with the kids and me on Friday? We’re ordering in pizza and probably playing board games.”
His eyes brightened. “I’m pretty good with a board game.”
“I have no doubt.”
He stepped back. “And between now and then I’ll probably be dropping by.”
“I look forward to it.”