18. Maria
Iblink back tears as I leave Nathan’s office, his rejection still ringing in my ears. I need to get out of the office, stat. The last thing I need right now is an audience to my pain.
My heart aches, a tight knot forming in my chest. I walk briskly towards the elevator, willing myself not to cry.
“Maria, wait up!” Emily’s voice calls out from behind me, just as I’m about to press the elevator button.
I turn, forcing a smile onto my face. Just down the hallway, a group of coworkers are stood in a circle. Seeing Emily jogging toward me, they stop talking and glance in our direction.
So much for no audience.
“Hey, are you okay?” Emily asks, concern written all over her face. “You look upset.”
“Uh, yeah… It’s just allergies.” I rub at my eyes as if to prove my point. As much as I appreciate Emily’s concern, discussing my failed love life in front of my colleagues isn’t high on my list of priorities.
“Really? There’s nothing seasonal right now.”
Before I can respond, I overhear something that makes my blood run cold.
“Did you hear about Maria and Nathan?” one coworker whispers to another, not quite quietly enough. “I heard they’re dating.”
“Seriously?” the other replies, glancing in my direction with raised eyebrows.
The rumor stings. If only it were true. But it’s not, and the reminder of that fact feels like salt being rubbed into an open wound. I need to get out of here, away from their prying eyes and gossiping mouths.
“Um, I really need to go,” I say, quickly pressing the elevator button again. As the doors slide open, I step inside, avoiding eye contact with everyone.
“See you later,” I mumble to Emily, forcing another halfhearted smile.
“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about anything?” She all but steps into the elevator door after me. But the doors close before she can enter, and I’m finally alone.
My eyes fill with tears once more, but I refuse to let them fall. Not yet. Not when there are so many people I know close by — especially ones who know Nathan. If I walk around the building crying, he’ll probably hear about it before I even reach my apartment.
I can’t wait to get home, where I can cry in peace, away from the judgment and the rumors. And maybe, just maybe, where I can start figuring out how to move on with my life.
Keeping my head down, I walk to the subway and grab a seat with the rest of the rush-hour crowd. When I get off at my stop, I breathe in the evening city air, trying to focus on something other than my aching heart. The smell of roasted nuts from a nearby vendor and the sound of traffic remind me that life goes on, even if mine feels like it’s falling apart.
Walking towards my apartment building, I can’t help but think about how a small part of me had actually expected Nathan to say he shared my feelings. To say that he wanted to be with me too. But instead, all I got was a cold, professional response.
It’s funny how a single conversation can shatter your dreams so completely.
The walk turns into a blur as I finally reach the entrance to my apartment building. My fingers fumble with the keys, and once inside, I climb the familiar stairs. The moment the door to my home clicks shut behind me, I slide down against it, allowing the tears to flow freely.
“Ugh, why does this hurt so much?” I sob, wiping away the endless stream of tears with the back of my hand.
After what feels like an eternity, I pull myself together enough to call Kelsey. It’s only been a day since she left, and I already wish she were back here with me.
“Hey.” Her cheerful voice greets me when she answers the video call. “What’s up?”
“Kelsey… I need you.” My voice cracks. I’ve been trying to stay strong, but in front of my sister, the person who knows me better than anyone, I just can’t hold it together.
“Oh, honey. What happened?” She leans closer to the screen.
“Remember that thing I told you about the other day? About confessing my feelings to Nathan?” I choke out the words, feeling another wave of tears threatening to surface.
“Of course! Did you do it?” Kelsey’s eyes widen with anticipation, but her excitement quickly fades when she sees the tears welling up in my eyes again.
“Y–yeah, I did,” I stammer, my voice barely a whisper. “And he… he doesn’t feel the same way.”
My sister’s face softens with understanding, and she reaches out as if to touch my shoulder through the screen. “Oh, Maria. I’m so sorry. That must really hurt.”
“More than I ever thought it would.” I wipe away more tears that stubbornly refuse to stop flowing.
“Hey, listen,” Kelsey says gently, her voice soothing in its familiarity. “It’s going to be okay. You’re an amazing, strong woman, and you don’t need Nathan to be happy. You don’t need anyone but yourself.”
“Thanks, Kel.” I sniffle, attempting a small smile even though it feels like my world has crumbled around me. “I just… I don’t know how to move on from this.”
“We’ll figure it out together,” she promises, her eyes filled with determination. “But for now, why don’t you get some rest? You’ve had a rough day, and trust me, a good night’s sleep can work wonders.”
“You’re right.” I sigh. “I’ll try to get some sleep. Thanks for being there for me, Kelsey.”
“Always, Maria. Always.” She gives me a reassuring smile before we say our goodbyes and end the call.
The silence of the apartment seems to echo in my ears as I set my phone down on the counter. My heart still aches, a heavy weight in my chest that threatens to crush me. It’s hard to breathe, let alone think about moving on.
“Get it together, Maria.” In the bathroom, I splash cold water on my face and stare at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes are red and puffy — a far cry from the confident woman who walked into Nathan’s office earlier today. How could I have been so foolish as to believe he might feel the same way?
“All right.” I force a deep breath and stand up straighter. “Time to move on.”
My apartment suddenly feels suffocating, so I make my way to the living-room window, opening it wide to let in the cool evening air. The city lights twinkle outside, reminding me of just how small I am in this vast world. There has to be more to life than unrequited love.
Sitting down, I search “How to move on from heartbreak” on my phone. The first step-by-step list that comes up seems good enough, and I decide to follow it to a tee.
“Okay, step one. Get rid of anything that reminds me of Nathan.” I scan the room for any trace of him.
I pick up a book he recommended a few months ago and toss it into a box labeled “Donations.” Next comes a framed photo of us at the company Christmas party, standing in a line with several other people as we laugh at some long-forgotten joke.
It’s silly that I ever framed it. The excuse was that I wanted a picture of work friends to look at, when really I wanted to see him every night.
Pathetic. I shake my head.
And this was long before our rendezvous in Montauk.
I remove the picture and replace it with a solo shot of myself on vacation last summer — smiling, carefree, and completely unaware of the heartbreak awaiting me.
“Step two. Find something to occupy my mind.”
I grab my laptop and start browsing local activities. A painting class catches my eye; it’s something I’ve always wanted to try but never found the time for. Before I can talk myself out of it, I sign up for the class and make a mental note to pick up supplies tomorrow.
“Step three. Surround myself with people who love and support me.”
That one is a little harder. I’m a bit of a loner, and only ever really go out when it’s with people from work. Maybe I’ll make some new friends at this painting class, though.
“Step four. Be open to new possibilities.” This one’s the hardest of all, but I know it’s the most important. If I keep my heart closed off, I’ll never find the love and happiness I deserve.
“All right, universe,” I whisper into the night air, looking out at the cityscape. “I’m ready for whatever you have in store for me. Just… please, be gentle. What do I do next?”
The answer comes like a soft whisper in my heart. What I have to do is so obvious, of course.
I can follow this whole list, but it won’t do any good if I skip the most important step. And even though it’s painful as hell, I know I have to go through with it.
With that, I close my window and head back inside. The rest of my life is waiting, and I can’t let anything — not even the man I’m sure to never forget — hold me back.