20. Maria
“And… done.” I finish up the last email of the day, close down the computer, and look around the open office space.
Most people are doing the same thing as me, winding up for the day and chatting pleasantly with their coworkers.
It’s been a few weeks since I quit working for Nathan, and I’ve managed to land myself a new job at a marketing firm. I’m now an assistant to the firm’s founder, which is undeniably a good job.
The people here are nice, too, but I can’t help but wonder why I’m still in this city. With the money Nathan gave me, I could move out of New York and start a new life. But aside from collecting materials to work on the Montauk cabin, I haven’t done anything new.
Every day, I show up to my new job like a robot, with my heart still broken after what happened with Nathan. I guess it’s just easier to keep going through the motions than to confront the pain head-on.
If I left New York, if I started a new career, if I made any sort of big change, it would be like opening my eyes. I’d be facing reality. As it stands, I pretty much go home every night, make dinner, and fall asleep on the couch with the TV playing.
The saddest part is that I do this all alone. I haven’t hung out with anyone in the last few weeks, and I haven’t gone to any of my usual weekend spots. I even missed last week’s anime convention, which I’d been looking forward to all year.
I hate to say it, but it’s almost like I don’t know how to go on. It’s not like my life is ruined — I know that I’ll survive, that I’ll make it through. I just feel too crushed right now to stand up straight and act like everything is okay.
“Hey, Maria.” It’s Rick, a guy about my age. He’s a designer here, and has been friendly since my first day.
“Hi.” I force a smile, which is about the most I can muster up these days.
He leans against the wall near my desk. “Any big plans for the weekend?”
“Um, nope.” I avoid his eyes, feeling like if he looks into my face he’ll see just how much of a loser I am. “What about you?”
“A few of us are going out for drinks after work. You should join us.”
I press my tongue against my teeth, considering it. I really should get out of my shell. Go out and spend some time with people.
Except the mere thought of doing that causes me physical pain. I don’t want to be around anyone. I just want to go back to that magical time in Montauk, when everything was right with me and Nathan.
Am I crazy for still dreaming of that time?
Yes. Maybe. And I almost don’t care. I’d rather live in the memories for the rest of my life than forget them.
“Thanks, Rick.” I clear my throat. “But today isn’t good. I’m really not feeling up to it.”
I can see the disappointment in his eyes, but he tries to hide it with a small smile. “Well, maybe another time.”
“Maybe,” I agree, even though I’m not sure if I’ll ever be ready for something like that again.
As Rick walks away, I wonder if I’ll always be this closed off. Will I ever be able to open up again and find love? Or am I destined to spend the rest of my life hiding behind the walls I’ve built to protect myself?
Only time will tell, but for now, I’ll keep burying my feelings deep inside, where they can’t hurt me anymore.
Grabbing my purse and phone, I leave the office and take the elevator downstairs. I’m feeling a little weak, almost like I need to sit down. Maybe I’m coming down with something?
The moment I step outside the firm, a wave of nausea washes over me. Yep, I’m definitely coming down with something. Maybe the chicken I had at lunch was bad, or I caught a bug.
I take a deep breath and try to ignore the nausea as I begin my walk home. The city’s noise and congestion seem to only make it worse, though, and by the time I reach the park, I can no longer hold back. I barely make it to a nearby trashcan before vomiting into it.
Feeling slightly better, I sit down on a bench and fumble through my purse for my water bottle. As I take a few sips, I chastise myself for not taking better care of my body. Maybe it’s the stress of everything that’s happened with Nathan, or perhaps I’m just not eating well enough.
“Are you all right?” a concerned voice asks. I look up to see an older woman sitting next to me on the bench.
“Uh, yeah, I think so,” I reply, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. “It’s probably just stress.”
She nods sympathetically. “I remember when I was pregnant with my first child, I had terrible morning sickness. Constantly throwing up… It wasn’t any fun at all.”
I force a smile, trying to be polite. “Oh, I can imagine.”
“Both my pregnancies were like that, actually.” She chuckles heartily. “My poor husband didn’t know what to do with me most days.”
I’m about to ask her how old her kids are now, when it suddenly hits me — I haven’t had my period in… I don’t know how long.
My heart slams against my rib cage. No… it couldn’t be…
I open the app I use to track my cycle and feel my heart drop when I see that I’ve missed my last period. The realization sends a shiver down my spine, and I can’t help but think back to the one night I spent with Nathan.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” the woman asks again, noticing the change in my expression.
“Um, yeah,” I stammer, trying to hold back my panic. “I just… need to get home.”
“Take care of yourself.” She gives me a warm smile as I stand up to leave.
“Thank you,” I reply, barely able to meet her gaze. My mind is racing, and all I can think about is the possibility that I might be pregnant — and what that could mean for my future.
I jog away, my heart rate increasing. Panic takes hold of me, pushing my legs to move faster until I find myself in front of a drugstore.
Taking a deep breath, I push through the doors and make a beeline for the aisle with the pregnancy tests. My hands are shaking as I grab a few different brands, not caring about the prices or details. All I need is an answer, and I need it now.
“Did you find everything okay?” the cashier asks, looking concerned as she scans my items. I nod, forcing a tight smile. I can’t help but feel embarrassed, even though this is a perfectly normal purchase for many people.
“Thanks,” I manage to say as I swipe my card. The second the transaction is complete, I all but run out of the store, clutching the bag tightly in my hand.
Back at my apartment, I tear open the first pregnancy-test box, my hands still trembling. I glance at the instructions briefly before proceeding, hardly able to believe that I’m in this situation. As I wait for the three minutes before the results show, I pace back and forth in my living room, my thoughts spinning wildly.
Could I really be pregnant? Nathan and I were only together once, and we used protection… But nothing’s foolproof, right?
The seconds tick by, each one feeling like an eternity. My panic increases with every passing instant, leaving me short of breath and lightheaded. Is it even possible for me to be a mother? I’ve spent so much of my life alone. The idea seems utterly overwhelming.
“Okay, Maria, just breathe,” I tell myself, trying to calm down. “You don’t even know the result yet. It could be negative, and all this worry will have been for nothing.”
Or it could be positive. And my life will change forever.
As the weight of that possibility settles on me, I can’t help but remember the woman on the bench and her stories of morning sickness. Will that be me soon, dealing with the challenges of pregnancy and motherhood? Will I be able to handle it all on my own, especially if Nathan wants nothing to do with our child?
And then what will I do once the baby gets here? This apartment is so small. Should I look for a bigger place, or maybe leave the city entirely?
“Stop it,” I chastise myself, rubbing my temples. “You’re getting way ahead of yourself. Focus on the here and now.”
I glance at the timer on my phone, watching as it counts down the final seconds. My heart races and I feel a bead of sweat roll down my temple. The moment of truth is almost here.
“Three… two… one…” I gnaw at my fingernails, a bad habit that I thought I’d kicked years ago.
The timer goes off, and I hesitate for just a second before picking up the test. I squint at the tiny screen, and there it is — a plus sign. It’s positive. I’m pregnant.
My jaw just drops. I’m too stunned for any other reaction.
My hand flies to my still-flat stomach. Can this really be happening? There’s a life growing inside of me?
A burst of excitement flutters in my chest, but it’s quickly overshadowed by the crushing weight of reality.
I’m having a baby… and probably alone. Nathan isn’t part of my life anymore, and if he doesn’t want me, why would he want our child?
The thought brings fresh tears to my eyes, but I stubbornly wipe them away. I don’t have time to wallow; I need to figure out a plan, because soon I’ll have someone else depending on me.
“Okay, Maria, get it together,” I murmur to myself, pacing around my living room. “What do I need to do first?”
Telling Nathan seems like the logical answer, but the thought terrifies me. What will he say? Will he even answer the phone if I call?
I don’t want to tell him. I don’t want to hear his shock, his potential disgust. I don’t want to have him throw money at me, hoping that will make this issue go away.
Because that’s a real probability. After Montauk, he gave me a check, probably hoping that would be the end of our personal relationship. I can see him doing the same thing once he finds out I’m pregnant.
But he deserves to know, right? Even if he might reject our child, too?
My hands shake as I pick up my phone and find his name. I stare at the screen, unable to press call. The mere idea of hearing him say that he doesn’t want to be involved with our baby is too much to bear. My finger hovers over the screen, then I scroll further down my contacts list, opting for another course of action.
I press call on my sister’s name, and she picks up after a couple of rings.
“Hey, sis!” Kelsey’s cheerful voice greets me. “What’s up?”
“Um, I… I have some news,” I stammer, suddenly nervous. “I took a pregnancy test, and it’s… it’s positive.”
“Wait, what?” Kelsey exclaims, her voice incredulous. “Are you serious?”
“Very,” I reply, gripping my phone tighter. “I don’t know what to do, Kels. I’m scared.”
“Hey, it’s okay. We’ll figure this out together. Do you know who the father is?”
My face burns. “Yes! I’ve only been with one person in, like, forever.”
“Okay, okay. I was just checking. There’s no shame either way. So that means it’s Nathan?”
“Yep.” I close my eyes. “It’s Nathan.”
“Wow.” She sucks in a sharp breath. “Have you told him yet?”
“I can’t.” My voice is quiet and broken. “What if he wants nothing to do with the baby?”
“Maria, you won’t know unless you talk to him,” she says gently. “But first, let’s just focus on you and figuring things out, okay?”
“Okay.” Just having her on the phone makes me feel slightly more grounded. “Thanks, Kelsey.”
“Anytime, sis. I’m here for you, no matter what. So how do you feel? What do you want to do?”
“I want to raise my child,” I answer firmly, feeling a sense of resolve wash over me.
Kelsey is silent for a long moment before she replies.
“Wow, Maria,” she finally says. “If that’s what you want, I’m here for it. You’ll be an amazing mother.”
“Thanks,” I whisper, touched by her words. “But I don’t know if I can do this alone.” My chest tightens with an overwhelming mix of fear and determination.
“Hey, you’ve got me.”
I twist my lips. Kelsey lives several hours away from me, so it’s not like she’s a hop and a skip away.
“Thank you.” I sigh. “Unfortunately, you’re all I have.”
She’s quiet again, and I wonder if she’s also thinking about our parents. Neither one of us is close to them, and they’re both off living their biggest, loudest single lives. I can’t imagine either one of them wanting to play grandparent.
“I’ve never felt more alone in my life.” The words slip from my lips before I realize they’re coming.
“Oh, honey. I’m sorry. Hey, what if you moved here? This little town is pretty nice, and Hayden and I would love it if you were close by.”
I twist my lips. Moving to be closer to her makes the most sense. In fact, it would be the most logical thing I”d have done in a while. I know that right now isn’t the time to make any big decisions, though. The pregnancy news is still too fresh, and I’m probably in shock.
“Possibly…” I stare out the window, which provides me with a view of another building.
“Either way, maybe it’s time for a change of scenery, at least for a little while. Get away from the city and clear your head.”
Her suggestion sparks something in me, and I find myself nodding in agreement. “You know what? You’re right. The firm’s closed on Monday anyway, so maybe I’ll take a long weekend.”
“Sounds perfect. Where will you go?”
“Back to Montauk. I’ve been planning on renovating it anyway.”
The beach house has always been my sanctuary, my place to think. Maybe being there will help me figure out my next move.
Again, Kelsey is quiet for a bit. “That’s where you want to be?”
I know what she’s suggesting. Montauk is where Nathan and I spent that crazy, magical week together. It only seems logical that being back there would make me feel worse.
But I have a suspicion that returning to the scene of the crime will be cathartic in a way. Like exactly what I need in order to let go and move forward with my life.
“Yes.” I nod, even though she can’t see me. “I’m sure.”
“Then go for it. Take some time for yourself. And please, keep me updated. I’m here for you, no matter what.”
“Thanks, Kels.” Gratitude fills me. “I love you.”
“Love you too.”
Hanging up the phone, I sigh deeply. I can’t help but feel a mixture of hope and trepidation, wondering what lies ahead for me and my unborn child.
“All right, Montauk,” I murmur to myself, as I go to pack a bag. “Let’s find some answers.”