21. Nathan
The clock ticks closer to the end of the workday, and I find myself lost in the chaos of my thoughts. It’s been almost a month since I last saw Maria, and I’ve never felt so adrift in my life. As I sip my coffee, I glance over at Karen, my new assistant. She’s typing away on her computer, her fingers moving with impressive speed, and I can’t help but feel grateful for her efficiency.
“Hey, Karen.” I put my coffee down and stop in the doorway between my office and hers. “You got everything buttoned up for the week?”
“Sure do!” Her smile is wide and genuine. “Is there anything else you need from me before I head out?”
I shake my head. “No, that’s it. Thanks for all your hard work.”
“Of course! Have a great evening!”
As she gathers her things, I can’t help but think about the woman who used to occupy that desk.
Maria.
The memory of her laugh, the warmth of her presence, and the sadness in her eyes when we parted ways all rush back to me like a tidal wave. If only I’d known that was the last time I would see her…
I wish I could go back in time and shake some sense into myself. Wish I could do things differently.
But I didn’t. I messed up, and this is where I am now.
And Maria?
I have no clue where she is. I assume she’s found another job. Anyone would be lucky to have her.
I haven’t gone by her apartment, even though I’ve thought about doing so only about a hundred times. I know she doesn’t want to see me, though, and so I’ve kept my distance. After the damage I’ve done, at least I can give her the peace of never seeing me again.
With a heavy sigh, I grab my phone and wallet and head out of the building. I’m supposed to attend a party at a members-only private club to celebrate the opening of our new downtown building. It should be a joyous occasion, but all I want to do is slink into a corner and disappear.
As I walk down the block, the sounds of laughter and clinking glasses grow louder, and I mentally prepare myself to put on a brave face. Stepping inside the luxurious club, I’m greeted by a sea of familiar faces and a cacophony of congratulations. I force a smile, nodding and thanking everyone as I make my way through the crowd.
A pretty cocktail waitress appears with a tray full of drinks, and I grab one.
“Anything special I can get you, Mr. Colton?” She looks me up and down in a hungry way.
“No, thank you.” I look away and down half the drink in one gulp. I recognize that look in her eyes. She’s eager for a taste of the man she thinks I am.
But she doesn’t know me. No one here really knows me.
In fact, there’s only one person whom I ever really showed my true self to, and she’s gone for good.
“Hey, Nathan!” someone shouts, raising their glass in a toast. “To the new building!”
“Cheers!” I reply, lifting my own glass and clinking it against theirs. Inside, though, my heart feels heavy, and I struggle to join the celebratory mood that fills the room.
“Great job on the project!” another person chimes in, patting me on the back.
“Thanks.” I attempt a grin, and my thoughts keep drifting back to Maria, back to the emptiness her absence has left in my life.
As the evening progresses, I find myself standing near a window, gazing out at the city skyline. In the reflection, I see the ghost of a man who once had everything but let it slip through his fingers. And as I watch the revelry continue around me, I can’t help but wonder if any of it truly matters when the one thing — the one person — I desire most is nowhere to be found.
“Hey, man.” One of the board members, Spencer, claps me on the back. “Congrats. We did it.”
“Yep.” I sip my drink. I’ve lost count of how many of them I’ve had.
“You should be proud. How about a speech?”
I look at the sea of people packed into the club. Hell, no, I don’t want to make a speech.
But everyone is looking at me, beckoning for me to make a toast.
I reluctantly raise my glass and clear my throat, the weight of Maria’s absence still heavy on my mind.
“Uh, so… here we are, celebrating this new building,” I begin, stumbling over my words. “I’m just really… happy, you know? And proud of all of our employees who contributed.”
My voice cracks on the word “happy,” betraying my true feelings. People stare at me with furrowed brows, sensing that something is amiss.
“Cheers,” I mumble, clinking glasses with the nearest person before quickly excusing myself to escape their scrutinizing eyes.
“Hey, Nathan!” Mitchell, a long-time acquaintance and CEO of a fast-food chain, greets me as I approach the club’s bar. “Congratulations on the new building!”
“Thanks, Mitchell.” I lift a finger at the knowing bartender, ordering another much-needed drink.
“First time I’ve seen you without a date on your arm.” He chuckles, taking a sip of his own beverage.
His words catch me off guard. It didn’t even occur to me to bring someone tonight. I suppose my priorities have shifted, and the idea of having a date by my side seems trivial compared to the emptiness left by Maria.
“Guess I didn’t think about it.” I rub the back of my neck awkwardly.
Mitchell raises an eyebrow but doesn’t push further, allowing me to wallow in my thoughts as the party rages on around us.
I’m finding myself increasingly nauseated by the superficiality of it all. The laughter and clinking glasses feel like a mockery of the emptiness gnawing at my insides. What’s the point of celebrating if the person who made it all worthwhile isn’t here?
Abandoning my drink at the bar, I weave my way through the crowd. I need some fresh air, need to clear my head before I go crazy in this building.
The night air is an instant relief, washing over me like a balm. My chest tightens, and I take a deep breath, hoping the silence and space will provide some clarity. As I walk down the street, the faint music and laughter from the club fade into the background, replaced by the rhythmic sound of my shoes hitting the pavement.
“Nathan!” a familiar voice calls, pulling me from my thoughts.
I turn to Corey with a halfhearted smile. His concerned expression tells me he knows I’ve been struggling.
“Where are you going, man?” He studies me intensely.
I shrug. “Just needed some fresh air.”
Corey frowns. “I know it’s been rough since Maria left, but you can’t keep going on like this.”
“I’m fine.” My words come out more bitter than intended.
“You can still talk to her. You can?—”
“No, I can’t.” I shake my head. I’m being rough with him, but the thought of facing Maria again and apologizing feels impossible. “She’s moved on, and I have to accept that.”
“Everyone deserves a second chance, Nathan.” He places a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “You should at least try.”
“I did her wrong. She doesn’t need a second chance.”
“I was talking about you.”
A second chance for myself?
I shake my head. That’s not possible. I was cruel to Maria, and she deserves to be with a man who treats her like a million bucks from the beginning. Not with someone who has realized his wrongs too late.
“Thanks for looking out for me, man.” I manage a small smile, appreciating his friendship. “But this is just something I have to live with. I’m heading out of town for a few days… need some time to clear my head.”
“All right.” His lips twist, and he looks thoughtful. “Just don’t forget I’m here for you. And if you change your mind about Maria… don’t wait too long. You never know when someone’s going to walk back into your life.”
His words echo in my mind as we part ways, leaving me to ponder the possibility that maybe, just maybe, there’s still hope for me and Maria. But first, I need to find myself again — and hope that when I do, I’ll be the man she once believed I could be.
I get into my car and drive out of the city. I don’t have a bag packed, don’t have a destination in mind. It’s just me and my tires running rotations on the road, getting further and further away from all that I’ve built and destroyed.
Maybe it’s muscle memory, or maybe it’s instinct, but I end up driving east, to Long Island. And it makes sense. The torment that’s been building inside of me had to come out sooner or later.
The roar of the car engine fades as I pull up to a parking spot near the beach in Montauk. The salty ocean breeze fills my nostrils, reminding me of the times Maria and I spent here. My heart constricts at the thought, but I shake it off. No use dwelling on the past.
“Is this really what you need, Nathan?” I whisper to myself, staring out at the darkness that envelops the shore.
I know going to Maria’s cabin is out of the question. She wouldn’t want me there, and it would be trespassing. But being close to the place where we were happy together seems like the only thing that can bring me a semblance of peace.
“Okay.” I open the door and step out of the car. “Just for tonight.”
I’ll go down to the beach for a while and walk around, and then get a hotel in town. Or sleep in my car. Either way, it doesn’t really matter. I’m here, where I’m meant to be. I don’t have any plans past that.
As I walk towards the shore, the sound of laughter catches my attention. A group of college kids are gathered around a bonfire, their youthful energy almost contagious. As much as I envy them, I choose to sit some distance away, not wanting to intrude on their carefree evening.
“Here’s to nights like these!” a young man cheers, raising a bottle. His friends all echo the sentiment, clinking their drinks together.
“To nights like these,” I murmur under my breath, my gaze shifting from the flickering flames to the moon above. It’s a beautiful sight, and for a moment, I find solace in its peaceful glow.
“Maria.” I sigh, fighting back the wave of regret threatening to drown me. “How did I let you slip away?”
Lost in thought, I barely notice when my eyelids grow heavy. As the rhythmic crash of the waves lulls me into a fitful sleep, I can’t help but wish things were different, that I had known what I had when I had it.
I lie down on the sand, succumbing to the darkness, haunted by memories of what’s lost.
* * *
Seagulls screech overhead, their calls blending with the rhythmic crash of the waves. The sun’s warmth kisses my face, gently coaxing me from my slumber.
Blinking against the light, I sit up and brush the sand from my clothes. The bonfire is nothing but smoldering ashes now, a testament to the passage of time. The college kids are gone, leaving me alone on the beach with only my thoughts for company.
I scrub at my face. Damn. I didn’t mean to fall asleep right on the sand. Apparently I was exhausted, though.
I should get up. Get my car started and drive into town.
Or back to Manhattan.
What was I thinking coming out here, anyway? That I would sit on the beach and the solution to all my pain would just fall out of the sky?
I shake my head, annoyed at myself. I need to get it together.
I start to get up, but something catches my eye. It’s an old couple, strolling hand in hand along the shoreline. Laughter bubbles between them as they share a private joke.
They seem so at ease with each other, so in love. The sight tugs at something deep within me, forcing me to confront the desires I’ve been fighting to keep at bay.
Is that what I want? To grow old with someone, sharing laughter and memories?
The old couple disappears into the distance, and it hits me all at once. I’m tired of suppressing my longing for love, tired of putting work above everything else. I want to be with Maria. Even if I’ve already lost my chance with her, I need to try.
Fumbling with my phone, I find Maria’s name and hit call. My heart races with every ring, the sound echoing through the morning air.
But wait… it’s not just the ringing in my ear; there’s an echo coming from down the beach, carried to me by the breeze.
“Hello?” Maria’s voice crackles through the phone, but I’m too stunned to answer. There she is, sitting maybe twenty yards from me, her phone pressed to her ear.
“Maria?” I manage to choke out, my voice barely audible.
“Hey, Nathan.” Her eyes meet mine. “Fancy seeing you here.”
My heart leaps into my throat. “Mind if I join you?”
Her gaze lingers on me for a long time. Finally, she nods.
Hanging up the phone, I stand — only to find that my legs are suddenly made of jelly.
As I slowly make my way to her, the beach seems to stretch out infinitely before me. Each grain of sand feels as if it’s trying to hold me back, reminding me of all the missed opportunities and could-have-beens. But this time, I won’t let fear and doubt consume me.
Finally reaching Maria, I plop down beside her on the sand, feeling a mix of nervousness and excitement coursing through my veins. The sun casts a warm glow on her face, illuminating her features and making her beauty even more radiant.
This is it. The moment that I hoped and prayed for.
Fingers crossed I don’t screw it up.