14. Dan
CHAPTER 14
DAN
D an waited for Leah in the lobby of RMA Pharmaceuticals. He felt a mixture of nerves and excitement that he couldn’t quite quench. Today was the twelve-week scan, and they would see their baby on an ultrasound for the first time. Hopefully, the scan would offer reassurance that everything was going smoothly.
Leah appeared a moment later. She was wearing a skirt and a blouse today, and as she hurried towards him, Dan saw that the blouse dimpled out over a tiny baby bump. Leah was starting to show. The sight made Dan’s heart stir.
“Sorry I’m late!” She came to a stop in front of him. “I got caught up finishing a peer review.”
“You’re like thirty seconds late. Don’t worry about it. And anyway, you’re the star of the show. We won’t start without you.” Dan winked, and she laughed.
“I don’t think I’m the star. The star is in here.” She pointed to her stomach.
“Will we find out the sex today?” Dan asked. “I’ve been doing some research, and it seems like they can tell sometimes.”
“Sometimes, yes, but I think there’s a good chance they won’t know yet. Do you want to know the sex?”
“Yes.”
“I’m not sure I do. I kind of want it to be a surprise.”
“You’re just worried you’re going to lose our bet.”
The week before, during an evening out at a diner (Leah had been craving pancakes after a day of barely being able to keep food down, and Dan had been only too happy to oblige), they’d decided to make a bet about whether they’d be having a daughter or a son. Dan was certain they’d be having a daughter, a little carbon copy of Leah. Leah, on the other hand, seemed sure it would be a son. Finally, they’d agreed: if it was a girl, Leah would have to buy Dan his favorite dessert. If it was a boy, Dan would buy Leah hers.
“Oh, I’m not worried at all. I have a good feeling. Little Miles is on the way.”
“You mean Lydia?”
They grinned at each other, then Dan offered Leah his arm. “We’d better get going.”
Leah threaded her hand into his elbow. Dan felt a rush of warmth at her touch and her nearness.
Together, they walked fifteen minutes to the clinic. It was a warm day and Dan enjoyed the fresh air. Usually, he might have been worried about missing this much work, but today he was too preoccupied with the exam to think about it.
At the clinic, they waited only a few minutes before Moira called them back. They weren’t in Moira’s office today, as they had been previously, but were in an exam room instead.
“Hi, Leah, Dan. Come on in.” Moira gestured for them to enter. “Leah, you can have a seat on the exam table. I can offer you a gown to change into, but you’re also welcome to wear your own clothes as long as you can pull your shirt up over your stomach.”
“No problem.” Leah perched on the edge of the exam table. “Will you be doing the ultrasound?”
“Yes. Techs often do this, but in my practice I like to do all twelve-week ultrasounds myself. This can be a tense time, as a lot of parents are on the lookout for problems, so I try to be involved to keep everyone calm.”
“Problems?” Dan bit his lip and glanced at Leah. “I read that some genetic disorders are visible at twelve weeks, but are you expecting problems?”
Moira shook her head. “I’m not expecting anything. In most cases, this ultrasound just confirms the pregnancy and helps me line up a due date.”
“What kind of problems could there be?” Dan asked. Until now, his excitement about the ultrasound had outweighed his nerves, but now he felt the balance shift. If their child was sick, he didn’t know what he’d do. He sent a worried look at Leah, who gave him a reassuring smile. She didn’t seem too concerned.
“In rare cases, we could see signs of a miscarriage or a genetic or developmental disorder,” Moira said calmly. “But truly, those are only in rare cases, and Leah hasn’t mentioned any unusual symptoms. Is that still the case?”
“Yes. I’ve been feeling fine, except for some morning sickness. Don’t worry, Dan.”
They began to prepare for the ultrasound. Leah lifted her shirt to reveal her stomach, which Dan could see was ever so slightly curved. Moira squirted some blue gel onto Leah’s stomach and lifted a wand. Worried that he might miss something, Dan got up and hurried to Leah’s side, his gaze fixed on the monitor screen.
As Moira slowly panned the wand across Leah’s stomach, Dan’s tension grew. He was no expert, but the gray swirls on the screen didn’t look much like a heartbeat. There was a long pause as the wand swept slowly from one side to the other. Then it paused.
“There’s your baby,” Moira said, her voice as full of enthusiasm as though this was the first baby she’d ever spotted. “Two legs, two arms, one head, and there’s that perfect heartbeat.” Sure enough, at that moment, a whooshing sound came across the monitor. Dan could hear the baby’s heartbeat.
In that moment, everything else fell away. There was just him and Leah and their healthy, tiny baby. Moira said something else, about how everything was looking good, but the baby’s position was a little odd, but Dan barely heard it. He was so focused on the grainy image on the screen that nothing else mattered. Without even noticing, Dan must have taken Leah’s hand, because he was holding it now. Their fingers were linked together and they squeezed gently as they both stared at the screen.
To Dan’s surprise, he felt almost… teary. He wasn’t sure where this rush of emotions was coming from. He’d known Leah was pregnant, but actually seeing the outline of a small head and limbs on the screen and hearing the heartbeat brought it home in a way he hadn’t expected. They’d created a life together. It felt magical.
“That’s our baby,” Leah whispered.
“That’s our baby.” They squeezed each other’s hands again. In that moment, Dan knew he would do anything for that little baby and for Leah. Anything.
“I’m just going to move the wand a little,” Moira told them. “I need to confirm why the baby’s position is unusual.”
Dan snapped back into the present.
“Unusual? Does that mean there’s a problem?”
“Not at all. But in most cases like this…” Moira trailed off as she moved the wand down slightly. Then she paused and the sound of a heartbeat came across the monitor again. “Yes. As I suspected. In most cases, when the baby’s position is off center, it means that there’s another baby. You can hear the heartbeat now.”
“Another baby?” Dan’s jaw dropped. “You mean… twins?”
“It’s looking that way. Baby number two is also healthy. I’ll need to take a few measurements of both fetuses now, just to make sure they’re developing as they should be, but they look well.”
“Twins?” Dan repeated.
Moira chuckled. “I know it may come as a bit of a shock. Do multiple births run in either of your families?”
“I have twin cousins,” Leah said. To Dan’s surprise, she didn’t seem as shocked as he was. She appeared to be taking all this in her stride. “And twin aunts as well.”
“As I’m sure you know, twins aren’t exactly common, but with a history of multiple births in your family and you taking Forenal, I’m not surprised.” Moira panned the wand across the second baby’s outline.
Dan turned to Leah. He felt a little panicky. One baby he’d been ready for, even excited about. But two babies? He wasn’t sure how to manage that. Would they each need to be holding a baby all the time? But they didn’t live together, so that wasn’t possible. When Leah was alone, how was she going to manage two babies at once?
How would they feed two babies? Change their diapers? If one was sleeping, wouldn’t the other be awake? What about when they were toddlers? How was Leah going to manage?
And how was he going to manage? One baby had felt doable. He’d imagined spending weekends with Leah and the baby, evenings, too. He’d pictured family outings and homework help. But two babies? How could he possibly juggle two babies and a career?
“Dan?” Leah squeezed his hand. “Is everything okay?”
It obviously wasn’t okay. This was a huge shock, and one that could change everything.
“I’m just not sure how we’ll manage. And how you’ll manage, when I’m not around.”
Leah squeezed his hand. “We’ll manage. I’ll manage. I have two arms, don’t I? They make strollers for twins. Cribs, too. I promise, this isn’t as big a change as it feels like.”
Dan relaxed, if only slightly. Leah was so confident. She didn’t seem worried about how they’d manage the twins at all. And she was more experienced with babies and children than he was. If she said not to worry, he would try not to.
“Mom, Dad.” Dan and Leah turned to Moira. Dan had almost forgotten that she was there. “I’ve found a third heartbeat.”
This time, when Dan turned to Leah, he saw that her mouth had fallen open in shock as well.
“Triplets?”
“It appears that way.”
Leah looked down at her stomach, eyes wide. “Are you sure that’s all of them?”
Moira shook her head. “Three heartbeats, three babies. That’s all.”
“That’s all ?” Dan chuckled, but the sound was humorless. He had no idea how he and Leah were going to manage. Even though she’d said she could do this on her own, surely she would need help. She didn’t have three arms, after all. And Dan wasn’t going to be able to provide that help. One of the babies was always going to be hungry, or need a change, or be unwilling to sleep. Always. What had he gotten himself into?
“Dan.” Leah’s eyes were wide. Dan knew that he should comfort her. He should tell her that he would do everything he could to help her and that all would be well. He should tell her that this wasn’t so bad. He should say all the things she’d said to him when they’d found out about the second baby just minutes ago. But Dan couldn’t say any of that, because he didn’t believe it.
“They’re all healthy?” he managed.
“Yes. You have three healthy children.”
“Good. So, there’s that .” He knew his tone was harsh but couldn’t change it. “They’re all healthy. And Leah is healthy, too.”
Dan couldn’t bring himself to look at Leah. He knew what he’d see in her eyes — disappointment. She’d been supportive through this process, even calming him down about multiple babies, and now that she needed him , he couldn’t manage to say a single helpful thing.
This was the real reason Dan couldn’t be a true partner to Leah or a true father to their children. Give him a business meeting with important partners, or an impending deadline anytime — he could handle it. But ask him to be supportive when his world was falling apart, and Dan would crumble.
“Yes.” Moira looked back and forth between them. Her tone was calming. “I know multiples can come as a bit of a shock, but take some time, both of you. I promise, even though three babies might be a big surprise now, even an overwhelming one, in a few weeks you’re very likely to feel differently.”
Dan knew he wouldn’t feel differently, though. In a few weeks, three babies would still be too many. In a few weeks, he would still be equally unprepared to deal with a change like this.
Dan felt like he was moving through a cloud as Moira did a few final checks on the three babies and on Leah. He saw what was happening and even asked a few questions, but everything seemed a little fuzzy. It was like he wasn’t really there.
The cloud stuck with him as Leah cleaned up and they headed out to the car. In silence, he held the door open for her, and she slid into her seat. When he got in, she turned to him, her eyes wide and worried.
“Dan. I know this is a shock. It is for me, too! Let’s just take a breath and talk about this, okay?”
“Yes.” Dan nodded. “We should talk about it. But I have an important meeting in less than an hour. I’ll drop you off at home, and we can talk later.”
The meeting was important, but Dan probably could have rescheduled. The real reason he wanted to drop Leah off at home and return to the office alone was that he needed time to think. This all felt like too much, and he needed to do familiar things. Things he was good at. Things he could control.
“Okay…” Dan heard the hurt in Leah’s voice. “If that’s what you want.”
“Do you need anything? We can stop on the way to buy some carrots or something.”
“It’s fine. I have some in the fridge.” Leah turned to the window, and Dan understood that she needed some time, too. In silence, he drove her home.
When they pulled up outside her apartment building, Leah turned to Dan once more. She opened her mouth, hesitated, then closed it again.
“Bye, Dan.”
“See you later.”
Leah got out of the car and went inside, alone. Dan watched until she was safely inside the building before he drove away. His heart was heavy. Some part of him wanted nothing more than to pull over and run after her. He wanted to wrap her in his arms and kiss her and tell her that everything would be all right. He wanted to reassure her that they could raise three babies together and that he would be by her side every step of the way.
But Dan wasn’t sure any of that was true. He had no idea how he was supposed to be a father to triplets, a partner to Leah, and CEO of RMA Pharmaceuticals without messing anything up. And if he were being honest with himself, it felt better to prioritize his career. He’d worked on it for years — and if he messed up at work, he might lose money or his reputation, but he wouldn’t break anyone’s heart.
If Dan assured Leah that he could help her raise their babies and that he could be a real partner for her, failure wouldn’t be an option. Messing up would mean disaster for those precious children and for the woman he now realized he loved. And he would mess up. Today had reminded him that he was incapable of dealing with emotional situations. When the going got tough, he would run to the office.
Leah deserved better. Their children deserved better.
Maybe the best thing for him to do now was to take a step back. Leah had always been confident that she could raise children, and Dan believed that. She would be the best mother. Dan could contribute what he knew — money. He would work hard and make sure Leah had more than enough for nannies and babysitters and the best schools; everything she would need to give their children the best possible future.
He needed to stop fooling himself. And he needed to stop leading Leah on. He’d known from the beginning that he was a career man, not a husband or a father. That was why he’d resisted having a relationship for so many years, despite the urgings of everyone around him.
These last couple months, he had given in to the appeal of having a family of his own. He’d enjoyed being with Leah. Spending time with her, he had felt like a different, better version of himself. He’d felt more alive, more present, more hopeful. But it had been a delusion. Dan knew that, now.
For the second time today, he felt a wave of unfamiliar emotion. He’d felt almost teary seeing the heartbeat of his baby on the ultrasound. Now, he felt empty.
It was going to be hard to walk away from Leah, but it was the right thing to do. The only thing to do. If he stayed, he would only disappoint them both.