15. Leah
CHAPTER 15
LEAH
L eah sat on her couch for a long time, just staring into space.
The fact that she was having not one, not two, but three babies was certainly a surprise. Leah had always known that twins weren’t out of the question, since multiple births ran in her family, but triplets felt like a lot. Yet her worries about how she would manage three infants at the same time quickly gave way to a different emotion — love.
Leah had always wanted to be a mother, and now she would be, three times over. She would be at the beginning of three little lives. She’d see three infants begin to smile, three toddlers learn to crawl. She’d share in the joys and sorrows of three elementary schoolers and guide three college students into their futures. This was what Leah had always dreamed of — times three.
But her excitement and hope were tempered by a different worry. Dan seemed to have taken the news of the triplets very poorly. He wouldn’t even talk to her, and he’d run away to work, which he hadn’t done in a long time. Leah could only hope that he would come around. As a co-parent, a friend, or a partner, Leah wanted Dan by her side through this process. These were their children, not just hers. They needed their father, and she needed Dan.
She sent him a quick text, letting him know that she was ready to talk when he was and that everything would be all right. Then she stared at her phone, hoping to hear back from him right away. After a few moments, she realized that she was being silly and put her phone away. Instead of worrying about Dan and what he was thinking, she should focus on what she could control.
So, Leah got to work. She began researching the best strollers, cribs, and changing stations for triplets. She’d wanted to babywear, so she looked at articles on babywearing with multiple children and started developing a strategy. She ordered a bulk package of pastel-colored onesies on Amazon and looked into industrial-strength bottle sterilizers. She downloaded a book on raising triplets to her e-reader for later.
Logically, Leah knew that she was still only three months pregnant. She was barely at the beginning of her second trimester and had a lot of time to buy things and prepare for her babies. Yet she also knew that if she didn’t keep busy, she’d worry about Dan. It was better to feel like she was in control.
As evening rolled in, Leah’s worries about Dan resurfaced. He still hadn’t called or texted, even though his meeting must be over by now. Leah got her phone and looked at the last message she’d sent, telling Dan that everything was going to be all right and that she was ready to talk.
Looking at the message, annoyance bloomed inside her. It didn’t seem right that she was the one who needed to be strong and reassuring and accommodating in this moment. She was proud of being a kind person, but today she was stressed, overwhelmed, and fragile herself. Yet Dan hadn’t made any effort to reach out to her.
Logically, she knew that Dan needed some time to process what was going on. She hadn’t needed time, but it was different for her. Emotionally, however, she was thrown by his silence and by his cold manner when he’d dropped her off. What if Dan didn’t feel differently in a day, a week, a month? What if this was emblematic of how he was always going to handle problems?
Leah needed a co-parent and a partner. She needed someone who would always put their children first, even when it was hard. Over the last few months, it had seemed like Dan could be that guy. He’d been attentive, thoughtful, and willing to reschedule his work to make time for appointments. Yet now, at the first sign of difficulty, he’d run away.
Leah hesitated, her finger poised over the message. Then, decisively, she deleted it. She still wanted to talk to Dan. She wanted to work things out between them. Yet she also knew that Dan needed to be the one to reach out to her . She couldn’t force him into fatherhood, kicking and screaming. It wouldn’t be fair to him, to her, or to their babies.
From now on, the babies had to be Leah’s first priority.
With any luck, Dan would come to his senses soon and would reach out to her. They would need to talk all this through and come up with a sound way to move forward, but she had faith that they could do it. But only if Dan reached out.
If he didn’t… Leah didn’t want to think about that.
She put her phone away and picked up her e-reader. She needed to put all thoughts of Dan out of her mind for now and focus on her babies.
It was probably for the best to create a little space between them, anyway. They’d grown very close over the last few months, but Leah had always known there was an expiration date. Maybe that expiration date was now.
She tried to focus on her book and ignore the tears that had sprung into her eyes. When one rolled down her cheek, she wiped it away forcefully and focused on the reading again. She could do this. Even if she was going to be alone.
Some part of Leah was sure that Dan was going to text, but he didn’t. He didn’t write or call that evening. He didn’t reach out the next day, Saturday, even though they had gotten into a habit of meeting at a coffee shop for drinks and a walk on Saturday afternoons. Instead, Leah spent the day organizing her house and making room for three cribs.
Dan didn’t reach out on Sunday, either. Leah felt a strong wave of morning sickness, which had mostly passed by that point, and spent the day lying on the couch, watching old movies and eating baby carrots and lemon sorbet. Every bite reminded her of Dan.
Sunday evening, she began to wonder if she’d made a mistake. Maybe she shouldn’t have deleted that message to Dan. Surely, he would have replied by now if she hadn’t deleted it. Maybe she should try to reach out again…
But Leah shut that train of thought down. Every day that Dan didn’t reach out, he was proving that he wasn’t a responsible parent. It was better to leave distance between them than to hope that he could change. Leah knew who Dan was. He loved his work more than anything.
A small part of her hoped that he would still reach out. Either way, though, she’d see him tomorrow at the office.
A ball of nerves grew in Leah’s stomach. She wasn’t sure how she should act around Dan the next day. They couldn’t fall back into their usual pattern of stopping by each other’s offices and meeting for lunch. Yet she couldn’t just ignore him, either. Once again, she wished that he would just reach out to her.
Leah knew that her thoughts were swirling in a big circular jumble. It wasn’t helpful to dwell on what Dan was doing or thinking when she had no way of knowing. Yet she couldn’t stop herself, either. Hormones and sadness merged into a concoction of stress that she just couldn’t shake.
Finally, around midnight, she had an epiphany. Maybe this was how everything was always meant to be. She and Dan had made a business arrangement. They’d both held up their ends of the bargain. Now, they would return to being colleagues. Leah’s heart broke at the thought, but she knew it was the right thing. Even if Dan wanted to have a bigger part in her life, she would need to say no. She couldn’t let herself be this stressed, not when it could hurt her babies.
It was better to treat Dan as she had before they’d made their deal. It was better to prepare to be a single mother.
The next morning, Leah woke, showered, and dressed. Then she went into the office, ready to face her future. Alone.