Chapter 39 - Clem #2
Oh my God, how many times had I fantasized about Jordie being dead? Had I really meant it? It was too much to process, holding so much power in my hands, given to me by the most powerful man I’d ever met.
My husband.
I had to get the subject of assassination off my mind before my brain shorted out. “Don’t you…” I trailed off, searching his face. No monster lurked in those clear eyes. Even the furrowed brow only showed concern.
“What?” he urged. “No more secrets,” he reminded me. “Ask me whatever you want.”
“Don’t you think what you did with the secret wedding papers and the apartment and the men watching me… wasn’t that all a little unhinged?”
“More than a little. Extremely unhinged. That’s how I am about you. That’s how I’ll always be.”
I swayed, and he steadied me. His hand was warm and heavy on my arm, his closeness overwhelming my ability to think straight. “I need a little time to process all this,” I said, studying him again.
I had to stop doing that. If after all this, he hadn’t exploded, he wasn’t going to. I really was safe, wasn’t I?
“Of course,” he said, reverting to boss mode as he stood up. Giving me the space I needed to make a decision. One that should have been easy, but the thought of being controlled by anyone again, even Rurik, was too much. I fought too hard to get away the first time.
“Stay in your room,” I said, surprised at how steady I was on my feet when I rose to head toward my old guest room.
He followed me, clearly not liking it, but not saying a single word about it, either. No demands, no tantrums, no raised voice or threats. Alone in the guest room, I fell into a fitful sleep, waking up early the next morning, no closer to a decision.
After showering and changing, I felt much better physically, but my mind was still in turmoil. Rurik loved me; he wanted me. I was his. But I never had any say in all those decisions he made for me.
No first date, no proposal, no walking down an aisle.
Anxious about seeing him, about how I’d feel or what I’d say, I stayed in the guest room until my stomach was growling with hunger. Rurik still hadn’t come looking for me, and I appreciated that he was giving me space.
Damn it, was I disappointed that he might have gone into the office without me? My head was definitely not on straight, but for good reason.
Instead of finding the kitchen empty when I got down there, he was working at the table, the papers he loved spread out around him, his coffee cup ignored at his elbow. The smell of bacon made my stomach rumble again.
“Eat and then I’ll take you home,” he said, barely looking up at me. What I did see in his quick glance tore at my heart. Pure agony.
“Home?” I asked, confused enough to forget my hunger.
His lip quirked up, but there was no happiness in his slight smile. “It just so happens your apartment is finally ready. All your things will be there when you arrive.”
My heart thudded with a fresh grip of fear I couldn’t quite identify. Jordie was out of the picture. So was I, it seemed.
“You don’t want me to live here anymore?” I asked.
“I want you to make your own decisions,” he said, as if he’d read my mind and gotten to the core of my dilemma.
“Well, I’m ready now, I guess,” I said, trying to hide the hurt. Hurt, I had no right to feel. This was what I wanted. Or so I kept telling myself as he drove me away from the place I really had started thinking of as home, no matter how far-fetched those thoughts had been at the time.
Back before he confessed he loved me so much, he would go to the ends of the earth to get me there with him.
Just as he promised, my few bits of furniture that had been in storage were waiting in the apartment, some of my clothes hanging in the tiny bedroom closet, and my pots and pans neatly stacked in the one cupboard in the minuscule kitchen.
Rurik went in with me and did a quick sweep of the place, checking behind the shower curtain, in the closets, and under the beds.
He pulled me to the front door as he headed out, pointing down to a burly man I now recognized, sitting in his car just outside the entrance gate. “That’s Gunther, he’ll be there to make sure you’re safe, though you won’t have to worry about your ex anymore, ever.”
I nodded, not about to ask what he meant by that. Jordie’s fate was the last thing on my mind. Rurik was really about to leave.
“Take all the time you need,” he said, dropping a kiss on top of my head.
With a small smile, he stepped out and walked down the outer corridor. I watched him as he hurried down the steps and through the courtyard, giving a brief wave to the guard before slipping into his own car. He never once looked back.
But I had seen the sorrow in his eyes as he kissed me, right before he quickly turned away. He didn’t want this. The so-called controlling man didn’t want to let me go, and yet he was.
I pressed my hand to my chest, the sudden pain taking me by surprise.
Shutting the door, I fell onto my creaky couch, staring blankly at the wall.
Was this what I wanted? Would I have preferred he force me to stay in his house, under his thumb?
That couldn’t possibly be true, not after I fought so hard for freedom and independence from any man.
So why did it feel like that was where I truly belonged, even after everything?