Chapter 22 - Nikita
We arrive at Matvei's home a little early. Bardil sits in the car outside, reluctant to get out. I feel the same. I'm nervous to go inside, reluctant to walk into another fight and another drama that ends up being a waste of time and only makes things worse.
What am I going to do if this doesn't work?
What else is there that I can do?
I can't force people to like each other or even to give each other a chance.
A lot rests on how this dinner goes.
My whole future rests on the outcome of this dinner.
Finally, I pluck up the courage to push the passenger door open, and Bardil takes the cue and opens his door too.
We walk quietly toward the front door.
His brothers aren't here. It's just my family. I thought that I would face one battle at a time. His issues with his family are something else to deal with. One hurdle at a time.
Matvei is the one who welcomes us in, although I can hardly call it welcoming.
"Bardil," he grunts, not holding out his hand or offering to shake Bardil's.
"Hi, Matty," I say, stepping forward to hug my oldest brother.
"Hi," he says, without taking his eyes off Bardil.
The rest of my family greet him in a similar way. Only Valery is friendly and smiling.
Instead of offering us drinks, they usher us straight to the dinner table, and I sigh, realizing that they want to get this whole thing over with as quickly as possible.
I sit, but I'm determined to get to the bottom of this before we leave.
After dinner is served, I smile and say, "Thank you for having us over."
Matvei grunts, shaking his head. "You're brainwashed, Nikita. We had you over here to try and talk sense into you."
My heart sinks. "Mat, please, you said you would try."
Diomid leans forward, his eyes tight on Bardil. "Try what? To accept the man who kidnapped you isn't bad?"
Frustration shoots through me, and I slam my hand against the table.
"Dammit, everyone, just listen ok. Yes, he kidnapped me. No one is denying that. But there wasn't a single moment when I was actually in danger. He treated me with kindness and respect, and actually… he was amazing to me. He's not and never will be the monster you make him out to be!"
Before any of my brothers has a chance to say anything, Bardil snorts a loud laugh.
Everyone turns to look at him, including me.
His eyes bore into me. "It wasn't easy," he scoffs. "You are the most difficult person. Rebellious, feisty, challenging… "
"Oh, and you are Mr. Sunshine?" I blurt out.
"At least I understand what's good for me and don't purposefully put myself in danger. Do you know how hard it is to keep you safe?" he huffs.
"Oh, please. Don't flatter yourself. I know how to keep myself safe," I roll my eyes.
"Darling, you need someone to watch you twenty-four-seven to make sure you don't get yourself in trouble. And the attitude… don't even get me started on the attitude."
"I told you I get grumpy if I'm hungry. It's not my fault if you can't listen to basic instructions!"
Valery's giggle interrupts my thoughts, and when I turn to look at her, I realize everyone is staring at Bardil and me.
Valery giggles again and cups her hand over her mouth, then mutters, "You two are like a married couple."
Matvei growls in disapproval, and Diomid stands up and walks away from the table. Angelika stands up and smiles tightly. "I'll talk to him. It's fine."
After a tense moment, Diomid and Angelika return, and we all eat dinner in awkward silence. I don't know how to restart the conversation. Matvei keeps staring at me. His eyes are rich with confusion and surprise. I want to ask him what he's thinking, but it doesn't feel like the right time.
After dinner, everyone drifts to the living room to have a drink, and Matvei pulls me aside.
He speaks in hushed tones.
"You're brainwashed, Nikita. That man has you believing that you two have a connection."
"I'm not brainwashed, Mat. My thoughts are my own. I'm thinking clearly. I'm just fighting for something that I want," I sigh.
He shakes his head and pulls his mouth tight. "He kidnapped you. He's done something to trick you into forgetting that" Matvei insists.
I shake my head. "Don't be so quick to point fingers. Don't forget how you met your wife. The things you did before the two of you fell in love. People do stupid things, but it doesn't mean that they should live the rest of their lives in the shadow of those mistakes."
Matvei's eyes flare wide and then soften. He scrunches his nose and shakes his head in annoyance.
"It's not the same," he says without conviction.
"Isn't it?" I challenge him. "Everyone deserves a chance—Bardil included. Regardless of his past, he deserves a chance to change for the better."
***
Driving home, my head is so busy I'm sullen and withdrawn.
I'm not sure if it went well or not. For a moment, I thought I was getting through to Matvei, but he's hard to read and stubborn as all hell.
I hope I planted a seed, though. A seed of doubt.
A seed that drops its walls. For him and for Bardil.
Glancing at Bardil, I realize he's constantly looking in my direction.
"What?" I sigh, too tired to argue or defend myself or apologize for dragging him there.
"I overheard what you said to Matvei," he says.
"Oh. Ok," I say, surprised. I scrunch my nose. Why does Bardil look upset? Did he mishear?
"What are you playing at, Nikita? All this shit about giving people a chance. What is your goal?" he snaps, and my heart sinks to the pit of my stomach.
"Are you actually kidding me right now?" I snap back at him.
"I'm not joking, not in the least. I want to know what you're planning. I want to know what the hell you get out of this. Why are you doing all of this?" he demands angrily.
I turn in my seat so that I'm facing him. My eyes are heated spears of anger as I glare at him. The frustration is too much. My heart is racing. My impatience has dissolved into nothing.
"Because I love you, dammit, Bardil!" I shout angrily.
"I'm sick and tired of waiting for you to believe it.
I've given you space. I've given you time to process it.
I've been so damn patient, but I'm sick and tired of this.
I love you, and right now, in this moment, I have finally accepted that it won't make any difference at all if you won't fight for me, too.
If this is meaningless, then you should just tell me now so I can walk away before it all tears me apart.
" My voice is shaking with emotion, and my heart is breaking with fear.
Bardil's eyes, darting from the road to me, are wide with shock. How could he not know?
Is he really that blind that he didn't pick up on a single thing I said or anything I've been doing?
I was trying to let him make his own choice without the pressure of confronting him directly with how I feel. I thought it was obvious, though. But apparently, I was desperately wrong.
"Nikita… " he says. But his words are cut short as piercing bright lights come racing toward the side window. I scream in terror, realizing that the car is going to crash right into us.
The impact is devastating. Everything moves in slow motion.
Shattered glass glitters through the car, shining in front of me as it catches the light.
The crash knocks the air from my lungs. The airbag explodes from the panel in front of me, and I'm whiplashed sideways at the same time as it hits me, pushing me back into my seat. Unfortunately, there is so much glass in the air that it also pushes tiny shards of glass into my face.
The strange thing is that I don't feel any of it. I don't feel any pain at all.
The only thing I am terrifyingly aware of is that I can't breathe and it feels like I will never be able to breathe again.
I gasp, and no air comes into my lungs. My vision swims, and I gasp again.
A flicker of hope. The minutest of breaths.
Focusing everything on my chest, I open my throat and drag air into my mouth.
The world spins.
Darkness sinks over my shoulders, and I collapse to the side, held up by the safety belt cutting into my shoulder. As I slip away into peaceful oblivion, my last thought is of Bardil as I try to reach out toward him, but my hand grasps at nothing.