Chapter 21 - Bardil
She collapses in my arms, and I cradle her against my chest, my heart aching, my mind racing with everything that's just happened.
She was furious. So angry it stressed her out to the point where she passed out.
I gently place her on the passenger seat, and without any other options, I drive her home. I realize that she might not want to leave with me, that she might be furious when she regains her strength and sees that I've taken her, but what else is there for me to do?
She wakes up during the drive and pulls her legs up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs and resting her chin on her knees.
Neither of us speaks because there are still so many hurtful things hanging in the air between us that adding any more to it will be a heavier burden.
I can already hardly bear the weight of what I'm carrying now.
Pain is aching through me.
I've lost her. Maybe I never had her. That's more realistic. Her entire goal was just to get back to her family, and she orchestrated this whole day to achieve that.
I put my trust in her and look where it got me. Face to face with my enemies.
Arriving at the mansion, I hurry to her side of the car as she steps out on shaky legs.
"Let me help you," I demand, lifting her into my arms again. She sighs in frustration, but is too exhausted to fight me. I carry her up to her room and put her on the bed. Silently, I remove her shoes and her jacket and lift the blankets so she can crawl beneath them.
Too tired to do or say anything, she curls into a ball and falls asleep almost instantly.
My heart beats in slow, steady rhythms. Each pulse is painful as I stare down at her. At her beauty. Her perfection. The girl who stole my heart and then used it against me.
It's hard to walk away from her, but this was the beginning of the end, and I know when she wakes up, she will demand to be taken home. Her real home. Not the imaginary home I built here for her.
All afternoon, I wait downstairs with anxiety bubbling in my chest like poison. I wait for her.
It's late, the sun is already setting, when she comes down.
Kita looks sleepy with her hair a mess and her clothes crumpled. She walks into the living room and stands at the window, taking a deep breath. I can see she's too weak to deal with everything. I should give her time to properly heal. I'm sure she will ask to go as soon as she's ready.
"Are you feeling stronger?" I ask quietly.
She ignores my remark.
"I called Talia. And Valery. That's how I arranged the whole thing. We made plans behind your back to get everyone in the same place at the same time," she explains. "The market too. I invited Talia there to meet us… "
My jaw clenches. My muscles pull tight across my face. She went behind my back and betrayed me. She acted sweet and got closer to me. She faked everything.
Just like everyone else I've ever trusted.
She's the same as them. People who use me and pretend to be close to me.
I shake my head and close my eyes because it hurts to look at her.
Instead of challenging her betrayal, I accept the inevitable and decide not to fight it.
I already set her free at the intervention she put together. It's not my fault she passed out, and I had to take her with me. She's free. Maybe she thinks I kidnapped her again?
Well, when she's strong enough, she'll try to escape again, and I'll make sure she gets it right. She can go home. We can be done with each other.
"Can I make you something to eat?" I ask, standing up.
She looks at me with a puzzled expression.
"Yes, please," she murmurs.
With a heavy sigh, I head toward the kitchen. I'm only delaying my own destruction by letting her stay longer. I should force her to leave now instead of prolonging it.
But it wouldn't be fair if she isn't feeling well.
After an early dinner, Nikita falls asleep on the sofa in front of the TV. I flick the movie off and scoop her into my arms to carry her to bed. For the second time today, I tuck her in and walk away from her with my chest tight and aching.
Over the next few days, I am quiet and withdrawn. I'm waiting.
I'm waiting for her to make her escape. I've left doors unlocked and car keys out in the open. The guards have been told to leave her alone, and the route is completely clear for her whenever she takes the chance.
But she doesn't.
It starts to become a horrible suspense. A moment I begin to dread because it's taking too long, and the longer it takes, the more I dare to hope it isn't going to happen.
But I know it will.
Soon.
At the end of the second day, I couldn't bear it for another second, so I confronted her.
She's just finished her dinner and is sitting quietly opposite me at the table.
I set my cutlery down and let out an angry, frustrated breath.
"You should leave, Nikita. I will have one of the men drive you home. Or you can call your brother to fetch you," I snap.
"Leave?" she says, her brows furrowed.
"Yes. You don't have to wait for the right moment to escape. I'll literally escort you out the door." The words are hard to say. But it's the right thing to do. As much as I want her, as much as I envisioned a future with her, I won't be with someone who doesn't feel the same way about me.
That is nothing but limerence. It isn't the love I thought it was.
"I'm not leaving, Bardil," she says in disbelief.
"What do you mean you're not leaving. Why stay? There is nothing more to gain here. All of this was a horrible mistake," I growl.
"Why stay? Can you really not see?"
"See what?" I snap.
She stands up and takes a slow breath.
"I'm not leaving. I'm choosing to stay of my own free will. And you are blind if you don't get what that means," she says calmly.
I sit staring at her. Her words hang in the air between us, and I wait for them to make sense to me. It can't mean what I want it to mean. Can it?
I'm delusional. I'm confused.
Every fiber of my body begins to flood with hope, but then immediately drowns in panic.
No. It doesn't mean what I want it to mean.
I don't understand what she's trying to say, but I know one thing for sure.
I have never been lucky in life. I am not lucky enough to have a girl like her choose me. To love me. To be with me.
Standing up, I shake my head, and no matter the thousand thoughts racing through my mind, I can't find a single thing to say to her, so I walk out.
***
The next morning, I'm still too scared to believe what my heart spent all night telling me is the only possible explanation for her staying…
On my way to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee, I overhear her on the phone.
I stop outside her bedroom door, out of sight, listening in, leaning with my shoulder against the wall and my arms folded over my chest. Luckily, she has the phone on speaker so I can hear both sides of the conversation between her and her brother.
"No, I'm safe here." She is speaking calmly.
"Just tell us where you are, at least," Diomid says.
"I can't do that, Diomid. But you need to trust me that I'm perfectly fine where I am. I promise you."
"Why don't you just come home?" he huffs.
"Because I don't want to. Please understand."
"I'll understand if you at least give me the address of his property. That way, if anything goes wrong, I will know where to find you," Diomid asks again for her location.
I was going to have her brothers fetch her, so I have no expectation of her keeping this place a secret anymore.
She sighs and speaks with reassurance to her brother. "Dio, I'm not giving you the address, ok. I'm sorry. I just called to give you this number so you can call me anytime, but I am staying, and I expect you to respect that."
"Dammit, Nikita. I don't understand you, but ok."
"Please pass the message on to everyone else?"
"I will. They won't be happy, though."
She's busy saying goodbye, and I'm too stunned to move.
When I hear her stand up, it snaps me out of my trance and has me spinning back toward my own room, half jogging down the hallway to avoid her catching me.
I spent a lot of time convincing myself that she couldn't possibly mean what I wanted her to mean when she refused to leave…
but this… I can't deny the meaning of this.
And it wasn't even something she said to me.
It was something she did quietly. Her own choices, in private, nothing grand or manipulative.
As far as she's aware, I have no idea she's keeping my location a secret.
She did it to protect me. She's fighting for more time with me, stopping her family from reaching her while also making it clear to them that she's safe with me and staying by choice.
And the fact that she knows she's safe with me is another layer to this puzzle.
She trusts me.
What does she see in me that makes her stay?
Something good? Something real?
Whatever it is, she's decided it's worth fighting for.
Standing alone in my room with my back to the door, I am filled with a deep, aching yearning for her. I want to have hope. In fact, I can't stop the hope that seeps into my blood. But what about the betrayal? What about how she went behind my back to put me in danger, face-to-face with her family?
It takes me a while to pull myself together and go downstairs again. When I get to the kitchen, Nikita is there, making coffee for both of us.
"Hi," she smiles. "Did you sleep ok?"
"I did, and you?" I say cautiously, leaning against the kitchen counter with my arms folded over my chest.
"I feel a lot better today."
"That's good."
She turns to face me and hands me a cup of coffee. My eyes are instantly drawn to the chain around her neck. A little rabbit, and a silver sword. She's wearing it.
She shifts her weight from one foot to the other. "Bardil, I spoke to my brother this morning. I gave him my number and told him I'm staying," she says.
I cock my head to the side.
Honesty.
She's not keeping the call a secret.
"Ok," I reply, unsure what she wants me to say.
"I didn't tell them where you live, I promise," she adds quickly.
I nod. But then shake my head. Confusion and fear frustrate me. "Why?" I blurt out.
She smiles and reaches out to touch my face. I don't move away.
Her bright blue eyes lock with mine and she stares right into my soul.
Nikita says nothing, but her gaze speaks a thousand words. Words that explain her heart without a sound falling from her lips.
In that silence, I let my desire spread through me freely. Desire to make things work with her. Desire to find a way through the thorns and reach the roses.
When she drops her hand and asks, "Will you do something for me?"
I immediately answer, "Yes."
Nikita giggles. "Wait until I've told you what it is," she says.
"What is it?" I say, already knowing I will say yes again, no matter what she needs.
"Come to dinner with my family. One dinner. Please, give it a real chance."
My heart drops to the pit of my stomach.
But still I know… I will do this for her.
I nod.
A beautiful smile spreads over her face, and she stands on her tiptoes and gives me the softest kiss.