Chapter 13 Scarlett
SCARLETT
What I would tweet if I tweeted:
ME: I’m sorry, Dylan Brodie, I can’t date you.
ALSO ME:
TO: ScarlettShepardpersonal@
FROM: WadeShepardpersonal@
SUBJECT: GIF LOL
TO: Wade Shepard
FROM: Scarlett Shepard
Lol.
TO: ScarlettShepardpersonal@
FROM: EvelynChanShepard@
SUBJECT: Nut clutter
Oh hello, Scarlett. Here is FYI a very interesting article I read about how to decide what is clutter and what is not clutter. And in case you did not know the Merriam-Webster dictionary definition of “clutter,” here it is: a crowded or confused mass or collection.
I am confident that no one would consider our house to be crowded with a confused mass of items.
Have a good night, my dearest only child!
Love you.
- Sent from my iPad -
TO: Evelyn Shepard
FROM: Scarlett Shepard
You forgot to include a link to the article.
And I’m guessing you meant for the subject to be “Not clutter” instead “Nut clutter.”
Love you anyway.
P.S. you don’t have to write “Oh hello” in your emails as if you’ve just run into me on the Internet.
TO: ScarlettShepardpersonal@
FROM: EvelynChanShepard@
SUBJECT: baby girl thangs
Oh hello again! I have attached pictures I’ve taken of the things I’ve kept of yours from when you were a baby. The things you did not want for Noah. I think I should keep them in case you have a daughter with your next husband.
Love you!
- Sent from my iPad-
TO: Evelyn Shepard
FROM: Scarlett Shepard
Hi Mom.
You forgot to attach the picture files.
And I really hope you meant to write “thangs” instead of “things” in the subject line because that was awesome.
Love you.
TO: scarlett@
FROM: notdylanbrodie@
SUBJECT: thanks
Just wanted to thank you for your understanding re. my kitten today.
I’ll try not to bring her next week, but I figured I should ask if it’s okay in case I do want to bring her to the next session. Like an emotional support animal. My cat parenting attachment style appears to be “anxious but very sexy.”
Best,
Dylan, SVRCP (Sexy and Very Responsible Cat Parent)
TO: DYLAN brODIE
FROM: SCARLETT SHEPARD
I am not opposed to the inclusion of small pets in therapy sessions as long as Mr. Noodles remains in the carrier on your way to and from my office. As far as I know, pets are not allowed in the building. So please be discreet.
Best,
Dr. Shepard, MSc, MFT
TO: SCARLETT SHEPARD
FROM: DYLAN brODIE
As I believe I’ve mentioned, I am very capable of being discreet.
And I am extremely pleased to learn that you are open to breaking rules as long as no one finds out.
Yours in discreet rule-breaking,
Dylan Brodie
TO: DYLAN brODIE
FROM: SCARLETT SHEPARD
Please don’t confuse my willingness to bend certain building regulations regarding emotional support animals with breaking any other rules and standards regarding my therapy practice, Mr. Brodie.
Also, I would appreciate it if you would limit your communications with me between sessions to the discussion of scheduling only, when necessary.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Best,
Scarlett Shepard, MSc, MFT
What I would tweet if I tweeted:
NOBODY:
ME: You’re right I should write him back and tell him it would be okay to email me every day and flirt with me and make me feel pretty!!!
LENORA: Sup, dawg?!
LENORA: Pretend I didn’t just text that. Also please pretend it hasn’t been forty-seven years since the last time you heard from me. Also ALSO please tell me I’m still your BFF because you’re still the only person I actually like besides my kids and I don’t even like them all that much.
ME: Sup, gurl?! Totally still consider you my BFF.
LENORA: Good, because things have been insane at work, but who’s got two thumbs, just found out she has tomorrow night off, and is buying you a Friday night margarita like it’s 1999? This exhausted lame BFF who needs a drink.
LENORA: Don’t even think about saying no because the ex will have the kids this weekend and you’re gonna be my winglady whether Noah has someone to look after him or not.
ME: Noah’s actually staying with his dad this weekend, but I was going to help my parents pack. They’re moving next week.
LENORA: Great! I’ll email your mom to let her know I’m taking you out instead.
ME: I’m really not in the mood to go out for drinks. Can we just do dinner instead?
LENORA: Nope! We’re going to The Beach House. You can order appetizers. Wear something beachy and slutty.
ME: I’m not doing that.
TO: SCARLETT SHEPARD
FROM: EVELYN SHEPARD
Have fun with Lenora tomorrow night! Never mind about helping us pack, and never mind about the baby girl things. I will just keep them for you.
Love you!
P.S. Lenora said to tell you to wear something beachy and slutty. I don’t know what that means, but you should do that.
Imaginary punk mom garage band song lyric with no melody: Did I lose myself?
/Why can’t I get excited about going out for drinks with my BFF?
/What does she expect me to wear? A bikini?
!/She better not make me talk to anyone besides her.
/Shit, I’ll have to take an Uber/Maybe I’ll get lucky and she’ll cancel!
/Shit, what if I meet someone I’m actually attracted to?
/Do I bring him back here?/Go to his place?
/Have sex on the beach right outside the bar?
/Shit, now I’m thinking about Dylan Brodie’s beach cologne commercial.
/Fuck. Did I feed the fish today?/Shit, I need to let the dogs out.
/God dammit why did Lenora have to get the night off?
!/Wait, did we eat dinner yet?/FUCK YOU, ADAM! !!/Well, maybe I’ll have fun…