Chapter 14
DYLAN: Hey, Mama. I adopted a kitten. It’s a girl. Her name is Mr. Noodles.
MAMA brODIE: Oh for heaven’s sake! That is just the sweetest, most beautiful little kitten I have ever seen! Joe, can you believe it? We have a new grandchild.
POPS brODIE: Well, well. Exciting news. Congratulations, son.
DYLAN: Thanks, y’all. She’s such a good girl.
MAMA brODIE: Now, are we attached to the name Mr. Noodles? It’s a lovely name—I’m just asking.
DYLAN: The little boy who found her gave her the name, and I think it suits her.
MAMA brODIE: Well, it’s just as darling as she is. Mademoiselle Noodles? Lady Noodlebug? I’m just spitballing, y’all don’t mind me!
MAMA brODIE: Sweet Lady Lovebug
POPS brODIE: Bonnie Lyn…
MAMA brODIE: I am simply being helpful in case he couldn’t think of anything else!
DYLAN: I already ordered a collar that says Mr. Noodles for her. But thanks!
MAMA brODIE: Well it’s just an adorable name for an adorable kitty cat. I cannot wait to meet her in person.
MAMA brODIE: Little Miss Doodlebug
POPS brODIE: Enjoy your evening with Mr. Noodles, son.
MAMA brODIE: Love you and the kitty, no matter what you decide to name her!
DYLAN: I think I’m falling for my new therapist.
OWEN: Widening my eyes in surprise…
DYLAN: It’s not what you think.
OWEN: Nodding my head thoughtfully…
DYLAN: It’s not like with my co-stars. And it’s not transference.
OWEN: Shaking my head in agreement…
DYLAN: Okay, you know what? I thought you were the only person I could talk to about this, but you’re no better than Miles. This is exactly why I like her—she actually listens to me.
MILES: Because you’re paying her to—she’s your therapist.
DYLAN: Shit. I thought this was the one with just Owen and me.
MILES: No, it’s the one with the brother who got you twelve names of male therapists because he knew this would happen.
OWEN: To be fair, I also knew this would happen. But I was trying to be optimistic.
MILES: Fuck optimism. He’s 27. He’s already fallen for more than enough unavailable women in one lifetime.
MILES: What—no defensive response?
MILES: You switched to the other group text, didn’t you?
MILES: Whatever. You know where to find me when you’re ready for someone who’s always willing to lovingly smack the idiot out of you.
DYLAN: I’m not an idiot. I know what it sounds like, but this woman is special.
OWEN: I don’t doubt that, and nobody actually thinks you’re an idiot. It’s just fun to call you that sometimes.
DYLAN: Wow. That’s comforting.
OWEN: I’m not judging you.
DYLAN: Yeah you are.
OWEN: I mean obviously I am, but not in a bad way.
I get it. She listens to you. She probably accepts you for who you are.
Because she’s trained to do that. She’s the caring, nurturing, reliable woman you never seem to want to date.
Except she’s totally unavailable in more ways than usual. Why do you do this to yourself?
DYLAN: She’s not totally unavailable. She isn’t married.
And I actually met her at Erewhon three years ago.
So technically, she was just a hot woman who ran off after I flirted with her long before she was my therapist. But we had chemistry.
Real chemistry. We weren’t portraying characters who had chemistry.
We were two strangers who had an undeniable connection.
OWEN: Dylan.
DYLAN: I think she’s half Chinese. Or maybe Hawaiian? I don’t know. She’s so beautiful.
OWEN: I’m sure she is. And I am 100% sure that you can’t date your therapist.
DYLAN: Then I’ll cancel my sessions with her.
OWEN: I’m pretty sure she still won’t date you.
DYLAN: You’re right. I should keep going to sessions until I know for sure she wants to date me.
OWEN: Yeah, that’s the exact opposite of what I’m saying.
DYLAN: Good point. If I want to keep seeing her, I have to make sure she doesn’t think I’m into her.
OWEN: Forcing a smile while slowly turning and walking away…
DYLAN: Good talk, bro. I’ll let you know how it goes with my therapist.
DYLAN: Btw, Mr. Noodles is doing great. Thanks for asking.
OWEN: I was going to ask. Glad she’s doing great. Maybe focus on her since she’s actually available.
OWEN: Actually, you should come out with me and Frankie tomorrow night. We finish shooting the pilot episode tomorrow, so Barry Weiner’s throwing a little party at The Beach House. Shane and Nico will be there.
DYLAN: That bar in Santa Monica? That’s a 45 minute drive there and back. I don’t want to leave my cat alone for that long.
OWEN: If you don’t come, I will be forced to tell Miles you said that and you will never hear the end of it.
DYLAN: See you there.
MAMA brODIE: Absolutely not, young man.
POPS brODIE: What’d I do now?
MAMA brODIE: Not you. Dylan. He cannot fall for his therapist. Tell him.
POPS brODIE: He’s not in this group text, and what are you talking about?
MAMA brODIE: I just got a text from Miles!
POPS brODIE: Oh for shit’s sake.
POPS brODIE: Well, we all saw that one coming, but you know that telling him not to fall for someone won’t stop him. If anything, it’ll make him more determined to pursue her. So stay out of it.
MAMA brODIE: You are absolutely right, as always, Joe Bro. I will stay out of it.
MAMA brODIE: Baby Boy, I just tried calling you!
Call me back just as soon as you get a chance, will you?
I love you so much, and I just want to check in with you.
See how y’all are doing out there. Maybe you have time to come for a visit now?
I’m fixin’ to bake your favorite pie, and I just bought a roast that barely even fits in the fridge!
Come on over and help us eat all this food, won’t you?
You can bring your sweet little Miss Noodle with you.
DYLAN: Sorry I missed your call, Mama. That sounds amazing, but I can’t leave LA right now. And it’s Mister Noodles.
MAMA brODIE: Well that is a shame. You know, I met the most wonderful young lady the other day.
She lives in Puerto Rico, and she just broke things off with a boyfriend who did not deserve her.
I told her if she ever finds herself in Los Angeles, the two of you absolutely must have lunch.
But if you ever find yourself in Puerto Rico, you simply have to give her a call!
POPS brODIE: You mean the customer service representative you spoke to on the phone? THAT eligible young lady?
MAMA brODIE: Shit on a biscuit. Why are you in all of my group texts???
POPS brODIE: Just let the boy live his life, Bonnie Lyn. He’ll keep making mistakes until he gets tired of making mistakes, and then maybe—just maybe—he’ll learn from his own mistakes. Lord knows, he’ll be the first person in this family to do that if it happens.
DYLAN: Thanks, Pops. Your Puerto Rican friend sounds great, Mama. But you’ve obviously heard about my therapist from Miles. I’m not interested in meeting anyone else.
MAMA brODIE: Oh, Baby Boy. Why can’t you find a nice, available girl like Owen did?
DYLAN: You mean the one who was his kid’s nanny? The one y’all told him not to bone but I told him he should definitely bone her, and now they’re happily living together? That one?
POPS brODIE: He does have a point there, Mama.
MAMA brODIE: As a matter of fact I do recall that I also encouraged Owen to bone Frankie. But no matter.
MAMA brODIE: Well regardless, I suppose I should just keep my thoughts to myself now, shouldn’t I?
MAMA brODIE: You carry on living your sweet life, Dylan Joseph. I’ll try very hard to stop worrying about you and harassing you with my terrible opinions.
MAMA brODIE: You won’t hear from me as much from now on, but I just want you to know that it does not mean I will love you any less.
DYLAN: I don’t want to stop hearing your thoughts on any matters, Mama.
MAMA brODIE: Well that’s awfully nice to hear. I suppose I’ll only keep my thoughts on the matter of you having feelings for your therapist to myself, then.
POPS brODIE: Widens eyes while smiling and signaling to wrap things up…
MAMA brODIE: Oh hush, you!
DYLAN: I understand everyone’s concern regarding this matter, but I can’t ignore the connection I have with this woman.
DYLAN: Potential connection.
DYLAN: Whatever. You’d like her, Mama. I know you would. She’s a truly lovely woman.
MAMA brODIE: Well, goodness. I’ve never heard you describe anyone as “lovely” before.
DYLAN: I know.
MAMA brODIE: Pops, I think our baby boy just might be growing up.
POPS brODIE: I’ll fix a nice tall glass of Texas Tea so you can process this, darlin’.
MAMA brODIE: Better make it a pitcher.
MAMA brODIE: You give that little kitty a big kiss for me, you hear?!
DYLAN: Giving her twenty kisses for you.
MAMA brODIE: My darling baby boo. No wait. I can’t call you tits anymore because you are clearly growing up.
MAMA brODIE: Dylan. I have been thinking about tits and I want to say tits I am sorry I ever doubted you.
MAMA brODIE: You ate full of love and I have so much respect for tits.
MAMA brODIE: I really not tits I only have to worry about Miles.
POPS brODIE: Jesus. I am locking your phone up every time you drink from now on, woman.
MILES: Dylan isn’t in this group, Mama.
MAMA brODIE: Shit on a bus.
MAMA brODIE: Biscuit.
MAMA brODIE: I love you Miles! Mama loves you!
MAMA brODIE:
MAMA brODIE: Whoops
MAMA brODIE:
MAMA brODIE: Whoops
POPS brODIE: Taking her phone away now, Miles. Enjoy the rest of your night.
MILES: