Chapter 26 Scarlett
SCARLETT
I think Dr. Keller can tell by the expression on my face that I have something personal to discuss with her this time. She sits in her chair with her legs crossed and her little smile, hands on the armrest. Just watching me.
I’m not going to space out this time, but I also haven’t decided how I’m going to approach my issue yet.
“How is Noah?”
Hmm. Feeling a little impatient today, Dr. Keller? Wonder what’s going on there…
Nope. I am not going to analyze my therapist. I am the patient.
“He’s great… He found a kitten outside his school a few weeks ago.”
She laughs. “Don’t tell me you’ve got another mouth to feed.”
“No. Well… There is someone I keep wanting to feed, actually.”
“Oh?” She shifts around in her chair. “Go on.”
“I… I met a man.”
Dr. Keller makes a tiny high-pitched squealing sound while clapping her hands together. Then she gets all serious again. “Go on.”
I’m trying so hard not to smile, it probably looks like I just sucked on a lemon.
“I actually met him very briefly a few years ago. At Erewhon, of all places. It wasn’t long after the divorce was finalized.
I had actually spotted him when they were bagging my groceries.
He walked into the store, and he just looked so sad.
But also like he had a sense of humor about it, almost. Of course that was just me projecting.
Anyway, he caught my attention. Not just because he was handsome.
I guess he looked…his expression conveyed the way I had been feeling on the inside for so long but I always tried not to let it show.
And it was just there for him. On his face. In his posture.
“I picked up my groceries and immediately forgot about him because I was going through my mental To-Do List, as usual. And he stopped me. I was heading for the door, and he told me my shoelaces were untied. And then he bent down and tied them for me.”
Dr. Keller sighs and touches her heart.
“It was a very sweet and surprising moment. But I was so, you know, up in my head that I hardly even experienced it at the time. I’ve revisited it many…
many times since. But I was thinking about traffic.
I had to get my dogs to the vet. I had to get from Beverly Boulevard to North Hollywood in half an hour.
So I said no. When he asked me to lunch. ”
“He asked you to lunch?”
“Yes. He carried my bags to the car, after tying my shoelaces, and then he asked if he could take me to lunch. And then he asked if he could take me to dinner.”
“Sounds persistent.”
“But he wasn’t pushy. That’s the thing. He asked for what he wanted, and then he let me walk away.
And the thing is, at our last session, you asked me what it would look like.
If I could open my heart to someone. If I could love without fear.
I thought of him. I immediately thought of him.
I thought about the way he was with me. A total stranger.
In that short time that he’d known me. He was so open.
So fearless. I thought about how I would love to be like that.
And he was the only person I’d met in so long that I could imagine wanting to be like that with… ”
“Well, that is something. And this was a few years ago, you said?”
“Yes. I drove off without giving him my number. And I thought about him after that. A lot. And then…well, long story short… Noah found a kitten, and this guy was at his school giving a talk, and Noah got this guy to take the kitten home. And then it turned out my parents moved into the same building as him.”
“As the guy who tied your shoelaces?!”
“Yes!”
“Holy shit!”
“I know!” In this version of the story, I have now decided, there was no three-week period wherein the guy who tied my shoelaces was my patient. We can unpack that box of bad decisions next time. Or never. We’ll see.
“Well, this all sounds very good to me, Scarlett.”
“Well, there’s a but. There are a couple of buts. But—he’s younger than me. Not by a lot. Six years. And he’s really very mature while still having some very boyish qualities.”
“Well, that sounds ideal.”
“That part is quite ideal. So that’s only half a but. But—he’s also an actor. An actor who has a habit of falling for his co-stars.”
I fully expect Dr. Keller to see what I’m getting at here because, I mean, she’s my therapist. But she is suddenly half a foot taller in her chair and her hands go to the prayer position. “Oh dear God, please tell me it is Zac Efron!”
“Well, no. Zac Efron is actually my age, I think.”
“Oh my goodness, I just don’t think of him as ever growing up.”
“I know.”
“He’s still so boyish but also a man.”
“I know.”
“But he’s really grown up so nicely.”
“He has.”
“But it’s not Zac Efron.” My fifty-something therapist recovers from the disappointment and composes herself. “Go on.”
“Yeah. This guy is sort of in the same ballpark as Zac Efron, I suppose. And he has been nothing but good to me. Nothing but good for me. And yet I can’t seem to let go of certain fears.”
“About actors and their love interests on film?”
“Yes. Mostly that. That and…you know…everything else. But mostly that. It’s been so long since I’ve really liked someone.”
“Could you elaborate on the everything else?”
“Well, he invited me to go to Texas with him. To his parents’ house. For family Thanksgiving.”
Dr. Keller looks almost as surprised as I was that he invited me so early on in the relationship. “Oh, really? Are you going to go?”
“He got me a ticket. Noah is going to be staying with Adam and Melissa…” I notice my therapist’s eyebrow twitches the tiniest bit because for the longest time I couldn’t string the words Adam and Melissa together in a sentence.
But it’s not a big deal anymore. “Noah isn’t worried about it. So I shouldn’t be. Right?”
“And are you? Worried?”
“I’ve never been in a different city from Noah before. So I am nervous about that, yes. But my parents will be in town. So I suppose there’s no real reason for me to worry about him.”
“And what ‘real’ reason is there for you to worry about, then?”
“Well, falling in love. Falling apart. Getting my heart broken. I’m afraid of getting too attached to him. I don’t want Noah to get too attached to him.”
“What is ‘too attached’?”
“Relying on him. For anything.”
“But that’s what we do in relationships. Even healthy ones. We don’t have to need the people we rely upon. But to rely on someone implies trust. If he earns your trust—if he earns Noah’s trust—would he not deserve it?”
“Yes. Of course he would. I suppose I just don’t trust myself. I don’t trust my own judgment.”
“We can work on that. But we can also work on forgiveness if you feel you’ve made a mistake. Does that sound manageable to you?”
I have to smile at that phrase. I stole it from her, and I use it with clients all the time. “It does. I’m just…” I sigh. “I’m just afraid of coming undone.”
“Because of this actor?”
“Yes. Because of Dylan.”
There is a flicker of recognition across her face, but then she shakes it off.
“It sounds to me, Scarlett, like this young man is looking out for you. You are always trying to keep it together, as you have often said, but you had come undone. That day a few years ago, at Erewhon. And he made sure you would not trip over yourself. He laced you back up. He took care of you.”
My nose is all tingly. I’ve never cried in a session before. Ever.
Just thinking about Dylan taking care of me makes me want to cry now.
“How are you feeling right now?”
“I want to cry.”
“Are you sad?”
“No. I’m so happy. I’m so happy because of Dylan, and I’m still afraid of letting myself go.”
Dr. Keller watches me, waits for me to continue. I can tell she’s saying a silent prayer, hoping I will actually cry. She would probably fist pump and sing “We Are the Champions” while doing a few laps around the office.
But not today.
After about forty seconds, she looks almost as disappointed as she did when she realized I haven’t been boning Zac Efron. “Well…why don’t we work on letting you go to Texas for Thanksgiving? And being happy about it. For today? How is that?”
“Okay. Let’s work on that.”
“Okay.” She smiles. “Good. This is very good, Scarlett… One question. Obviously you do not have to answer and I am a vault, as they say. Are we talking about Dylan Brodie?”
“Yes. We are.”
“Holy fuckballs, you lucky duck!”