Chapter 27
DYLAN: Who’s got two thumbs, a hot new girlfriend who’s not his co-star, and he’s bringing her to family Thanksgiving because she likes him so much? Not that guy (pointing at you, Miles). This guy (pointing at me).
DYLAN: It’s me. I’m the guy.
MILES: Who’s got two middle fingers, a real job, and twenty bucks on you being single again before the end of November? This rich lawyer who just closed an infinity-dollar deal for an Oscar-winning director whose name rhymes with Shmames Schmameron.
DYLAN: Who’s got two thumbs pointing down, a hot new girlfriend, and is proud to say he’s never seen a Schmames Schmameron movie? This guy who has better taste than anyone in his family and also has a hot new girlfriend.
DYLAN: That he’s bringing to Thanksgiving.
OWEN: I’m really happy for all of you, including Schmames Schmameron. But mostly for you, Dylan.
DYLAN: Thank you, The Good Brother.
OWEN: Just to clarify—is the hot new girlfriend your therapist?
DYLAN: No. She’s my former therapist.
OWEN: Yeah, I’m putting twenty on them not making it past the day after Thanksgiving.
MILES: Twist!
DYLAN: Who’s got a hot new girlfriend who believes in him, a kitten, and an eight-pack? Fuck all y’all!
DYLAN: Oh also, it’s super important that you guys don’t talk about me dating my former therapist outside of our family. She could lose her license.
MILES: Well, it’s actually pretty unlikely that she’d lose her license if you only had a few sessions with her.
OWEN: Twist!
DYLAN: Yeah, I think so too.
MILES: She’s probably just saying that because she doesn’t want to date you.
DYLAN: Okay, well, I look forward to introducing her to you at Thanksgiving and laughing in your stupid single face when you see how much she’s into me.
MILES: Fifty bucks says they break up before Thanksgiving.
OWEN: You’re on.
MAMA brODIE: Boys! I need to know how many of you will be spending the night at our house.
DYLAN: I’ve booked a hotel room for me and Scarlett, Mama. Is it okay if I bring Mr. Noodles to the house while we’re there? I don’t want to leave her alone in the hotel room.
MAMA brODIE: You can absolutely bring Princess Noodlekins to the house! I’ve already got a litter box all set up for her in the study.
POPS brODIE: Actually, I’ve moved the litter box to the shed since there won’t be any cats in this house for nearly two weeks.
MAMA brODIE: And how many kids will I be cooking for?
MILES: Macy’s going to be with her mom this year.
OWEN: So is Sam. With his mom. Not Macy’s.
DYLAN: My girlfriend’s son will be with his dad, in case anyone was wondering.
OWEN: Frankie and I were planning on staying at the house, since we know from experience we’ll be too full to have sex anyway.
DYLAN: Nobody wants to have sex with Miles, so obviously he will be in the second guest room. Or the sofa in the study, in case you want to put Mr. Noodles in the second guest room because she’s not an asshole.
MAMA brODIE: Miles, I have gotten to know a lovely young woman named Juanita. She is currently single and free for Thanksgiving if you would like to fly her out to meet you.
POPS brODIE: She can also track your delivery and process returns and refunds over the phone. Because she’s a customer service representative that your mother has not met in person. Because Juanita lives in Puerto Rico.
MAMA brODIE: She has a lovely voice and demeanor, Miles.
MILES: I’ll keep that in mind, Mama. But I’m too busy with work and Macy to date right now.
MAMA brODIE: Yes, it certainly seems that way. Well, I will let you boys get back to your exciting lives!
MAMA brODIE: Let me know if your girlfriend is allergic to anything, Dylan.
MILES: Real men with real jobs, probably.
MAMA brODIE: Miles.
MAMA brODIE: We are all so looking forward to meeting your therapist, Dylan!
DYLAN: Please don’t call her that.
MAMA brODIE: Former therapist!
DYLAN: Girlfriend. She’s just my girlfriend.
MILES: Soon-to-be-former girlfriend.
MAMA brODIE: Miles!
DYLAN: It’s fine, Mama.
MAMA brODIE: We all support you, Dylan! xoxo
MAMA brODIE: Has anyone met tits therapist of Dylan’s yet? If she gets sent to prison for being intimidate with a patient are we all accessorize to the fat? Do we get put on tits too? Should we be worried?
POPS brODIE: It’s just me in here, Bonnie Lyn. And you should be more worried about whether or not Dylan’s girlfriend will have you committed. I am taking away your phone until morning.
MAMA brODIE:
MAMA brODIE: Whoops. I meant
MAMA brODIE: Shit on a bus cunt.