EPILOGUE ONE - Dylan
*One Not At All Sarcastic or Pretentious Co-Best Man Speech*
“Hello, everyone. I’m Dylan Brodie, the youngest, handsomest, funniest, most talented Brodie brother and one of the top two best men of the Miles Brodie wedding party tonight.
Miles negotiated a three-minute limit on my speech as part of our signed agreement, with only one celebrity friend name-drop and zero references to my illustrious acting career, so I’ll have to keep this short.
If I’d known I’d be following the maid of honor’s performance, I would have done a little more preparation.
Well done, Macy. Let’s give the songstress another round of applause…
“I’d like to start by congratulating the bride on surviving over two hours of marriage to Miles so far.
We’re all deliriously happy to have you legally join us as part of the family, Aria, and we’re here to support you through this for another hour, hour-and-a-half or so, but after that you’re on your own.
“I’ll spend a few seconds telling you about the kind of brother Miles has been to me.
Sardonic. Moody. Older. Like any great older brother, you taught me some practical things that have genuinely helped me in life.
Like the slow-motion removal of aviator glasses, followed by squinty-eyes and a knowing smirk.
Or the seductive and thought-provoking jaw stubble-stroke that puts manly facial hair and masculine hand beauty front-and-center at the same time.
“I believe it is also traditional for the best man to share some marriage wisdom as part of his speech. As many of you know, I will be marrying my beautiful fiancée Scarlett soon. It’s just a minor scheduling reason that’s kept us from getting married—not an interesting story at all, don’t ask.
However, since I have been engaged for a while now, I think I’m in a good place to offer some advice to the newlyweds on how to maintain a loving, committed relationship with someone who has a child who loves to tell fart jokes.
Never say the answer to the fart joke question, even if you know what it is.
Always laugh at the joke, even if he or she tells it wrong— because if you think about it, there is no wrong way to tell a fart joke.
And always remember to tell your wife or husband that he or she is special and pretty—even if he has brown eyes.
“As my friend Sir Patrick Stewart once said, when he was quoting Shakespeare:
‘Honour, riches, marriage-blessing,
Long continuance, and increasing,
Hourly joys be still upon you!
Juno sings her blessings upon you.’
“But juno who’s an even better singer than she is? Macy Brodie.
“I need to wrap this up, but I just have to say…I know you know this by now, Aria. The man you’ve married is the best guy to have in your corner.
Maybe not the best guy to have in your literal corner because he can be such a grumpy asshole to live with.
Also not your corner as in on your team when you’re playing Family Feud—but your metaphorical corner in life.
When you need someone to give you a gentle shove in the right direction, whether you want it or not, he will fight like the Irish for you.
Even if you have no idea what that means.
“I don’t say this often enough, but I’ve always loved and respected you, Miles. Thank you, Aria, for making him so much easier to love and more worthy of my respect. Let’s raise our glasses to this gorgeous couple.”