EPILOGUE TWO - Owen
*Owen’s Very Handsome and Not At All Cheesy Co-Best Man Speech*
“Good evening, everyone. I’m Owen Brodie, the Number Two Best Man, and I’m going to be standing like this for the entire duration of my speech so everyone here can see my good side.
As you may know, I am a professional standup comic, but according to the deal memo I have with the groom, I am only allotted ‘two attempts at wedding jokes, and remember—the guests are there to see me and Aria get married. They are not a captive audience for you to workshop your standup act with.’ Which is harsh.
“But here goes… A great dad, an entertainment lawyer, a former model, and a very lucky newly married man walk into a wedding reception with his stunning bride. That’s not a joke, that just happened, like ninety minutes ago.
According to Miles, none of my jokes are jokes, at least not until my beautiful and much funnier wife gets her hands on them.
And that’s the thing about wives and fiancées.
They make everything better, including us.
Frankie, and Scarlett, and the lovely and talented Aria Cross—or ‘Areola,’ as she has come to be known in our group text convo—they got their hands on us Brodies and turned us into the best versions of ourselves.
Not by trying to change us, but by being the people we wanted to become better for…
“Against my better judgment and many lessons on the pitfalls of indulging in fermented dairy products, I’m afraid the champagne and the cheese is getting the best of me tonight.
So for better or worse, here is what I’d like to say to you, Aria…
I always knew there was a nice guy buried deep under all the sarcastic comments, opinions, and Versace cologne.
Thank you for unearthing him. You have clearly done amazing things for his baloney pony and for that organ in his chest that is allegedly a heart.
“And to you, Miles… Thank you for all the free advice. As a big brother and as an attorney. Mostly as an attorney. I remember there was a time when both of us were divorced dads. We never said it out loud, but whenever it was just the two of us, the subtext of all our conversations was—allegedly—how do people stay married? Why can’t we?
Have we already blown our only chances at love?
“Well, as any good lawyer or comedian will tell you—I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we got another chance at love. The bad news is, I’m about to break your rule about wedding jokes…
“So, congratulations on accepting the terms and conditions of marriage to a great woman, Miles. I wish—but in no way guarantee you—both an eternity of—including, but not limited to—happiness—and/or a reasonably tolerable emotional state—forever months from the date hereof.
“Thank you. I’m here all night or until my wife decides it’s time to go home.
By the way, these are billable jokes and I do not assume any liability on my part if you did not find them funny.
I love you both. Let’s all raise our glasses to the lawyer and his daughter and the woman who put a song in their hearts. ”