21. Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-One
Violet
M y alarm went off at four-thirty in the morning, but I was already awake, so it barely made a noise before the sound was turned off. I got up numbly and walked into the bathroom. I locked the door to Chris’ room, though the door was permanently closed now unless he needed to use the bathroom.
I went through the motions of getting ready and then sat on my bed, wondering if I should text Elim and tell him I wasn’t feeling well enough to train.
This was my morning routine now.
Where before I got up looking forward to the day and spending time learning from and about Chris, even before everything happened, I was now going through the motions. My heart was hurting, but I couldn’t just wallow and let all the progress Chris and I made fall away. I owed it to him and, most of all, to myself.
I wasn’t sure how long it would take for me to feel better. Technically speaking, I was only with Chris for a measly two weeks. Then, why did it feel like I had lost my life partner? The thought of being second-chance mates was in the back of my head trying to peak its hopeful head into the grim future, but I shook it off. Elim admitted to me he’d come up to see if we were mates the night of the full moon when he saw a few others find theirs. Chris had come up only a few minutes after that. So, I believed Chris when he said we weren’t mates.
It made more sense that Chris had given up on us so quickly after the confirmation. The Moon Goddess’ decision not to make us second-chance mates meant he and I might have one out there somewhere. Chris believed he wasn’t enough for me, and the Moon Goddess had only helped cement that knowledge in his heart. I couldn’t blame him, not really. But he was wrong. I didn’t believe the Moon Goddess thought Chris wasn’t enough. If anything, she probably spared him from the mess I was now.
So, here I was, trying to get better. For him, for me, for Nenetl. She deserved a mate, even if I ended up with a chosen one. I couldn’t do that if I couldn’t even leave my room.
I took a deep breath when my phone dinged and opened the text message.
Elim
I’m downstairs. No rush.
I sent back a thumbs up and looked back at the now-closed door to Chris’ room. Over the last week, I realized what I did to him. I pushed him past the point of comfort. I pushed past the boundaries he set when it came to me, and pretty much made him tell me that he liked me, despite knowing he was uncomfortable with starting a relationship with me. I put him on the spot. I may as well have forced myself on him, and for that, I felt a level of shame I’d never felt before. I should know better. Pushing something on someone with baggage was not only unkind of me but hypocritical after having made everyone around me tip-toe for over a year.
I needed to apologize to him and let him know I didn’t blame him or hate him. But I couldn’t yet. I needed to make my heart strong enough because I knew when I had that conversation with him, it would be a final goodbye. Maybe on the flight back home, when he could finally be free of me.
I sighed and opened the door to my room, ready to head down. I almost cried out in surprise when I saw a figure sprawled on the floor right outside my door. Light spilling from my room illuminated the figure’s face, and my heart sped up more than just from the initial scare.
Chris was sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall in the hallway. His arms were crossed on his chest, one leg crossed on top of the other, stretching across the hallway. It made it impossible to cross over him to my door and the rest of the hallway without waking him. His head was drooping on his shoulder, the deep heaves of his chest letting me know he was sleeping. I closed the door and leaned against it, my heart and head a mess. What was he doing there?
His words from what seemed like so long ago came to my mind.
“You deserve to feel safe, Violet.”
Chris was still trying to protect me. Having locked my side of the bathroom door, he was making sure no one could get to me without going through him. How many times had he done that in the last week?
Probably every night, Nenetl answered.
What does it mean? I asked.
He cares for us. But, we already knew that.
She was right. We knew Chris cared about us, but it didn’t change anything. I wasn’t going to try to change his mind again. It was too painful to live through the consequences of my actions once already. But the question arose: what was I going to do right now? After a few minutes of thinking about it, I turned off my light and set an alarm to ring in two minutes. When the alarm rang, I didn’t turn it off right away. Instead, I listened at the door. I heard the quiet shuffling of Chris standing and walking away. I shut off the alarm in time to hear the soft click of his door.
I walked out after waiting a few minutes. The space was unoccupied, and the light in his room was still off. I made my way downstairs. Elim was sitting in the kitchen, as he had the last few days. He put his phone away when he saw me and smiled. I gave him a small one back.
I was grateful he suggested continuing my training now that Chris was no longer doing it. I tried to argue that it wasn’t his responsibility, but he answered that it was what friends were for, and it broke up the monotony of his nights alone. It felt like I was taking advantage of him, knowing how he felt about me, but he assured me he didn’t expect anything from me, so I finally caved.
Talking to him was comfortable, and I still wanted to train, so I stopped arguing and accepted his offer. The training was giving me a sense of power back, knowing eventually I would be able to protect myself.
Training with Elim was different than training with Chris. I wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing. It was just different. Chris always made sure to teach me how to use my own strengths to get out of a situation. He thought that while Nenetl was a part of me and she needed to get strong, part of both of our trauma was the fact that she had been unable to push forward while I was captive. If we wanted to stop being afraid, we needed to know how to deal with that situation again. While she was weak, it was the perfect time to learn how to protect myself without using the gifts she gave me.
Elim was a bit more feral about it. He was trained by the son of Aunt Kassie’s mentor. The man who became his mother’s beloved, and the only father he’d ever known. Elim explained fights are never fair. I needed to use whatever I had at my disposal and not hesitate to use it. I was not only training to use my own strength but shifting my hand in seconds, using anything around me to get the upper hand. He even applauded me the day I threw sand in his eyes the first time I landed on the floor, and I got scared when he rushed at me with his fangs and nails extended.
Elim could be a little bit intense, but maybe that was a good thing. My shield was still a little wonky, but whenever he pushed me past my comfort zone, I found it would slam down at once. I apologized the first time he slammed into it and broke his nose, but Elim told me I should never apologize for protecting myself, and that making my gift work was always a good thing.
“So, you have siblings, right?” I asked as we were taking a break halfway through our training.
“Yep, a brother and a sister.”
“How old are they?”
“My sister is twenty and my brother is fifteen.”
“That’s a big gap between you.”
“Well, it took a while before Dad accepted Mom,” Elim chuckled. “And no matter what they say, I’m convinced my brother was a surprise.”
“Do you get along with them?”
“I do. They’re pretty awesome, for annoying little siblings.”
“What are their names?” I asked.
This question made Elim blush for some reason, and now I was intrigued.
“I don’t want to say,” he answered.
“What? Why not?” I was, my curiosity spiking.
“Because it’s embarrassing.”
“Oh, come on. I’m sure it’s not that bad.” I prodded.
Elim groaned and his blush deepened before he took a deep breath.
“My sister’s name is Ezri,” he began, and I grinned. “My little brother’s name is Jake.”
“Jake’s not so bad. It’s a common name. It could have been worse. She could have named him Quark or Worf.” I tried to make him feel better, but Elim groaned and covered his face with his hands.
“I had to beg Mom not to name him Worf. It’s his middle name, instead,” he mumbled through his hands.
“Your mom really is a trekkie.” I laughed.
“You have no idea. She has collectibles and she has all of the seasons in blue ray. Goddess forbid you try to touch them.” He laughed lifting his head. A small smile appeared on his face as if he was suddenly lost in a good memory. “Dad bought it all for her one Christmas. She practically screamed when she saw it. She doesn’t know it yet, but he also has like three more blue ray players in the garage in case they get discontinued and hers breaks.”
“He’s a good dude.”
“He’s the best.” Elim grinned, getting up and holding out his hand. “Let’s keep going.”
We were about to start when I saw Cade walking inside the training grounds and waving at me. I waved back, wondering what was happening as he approached.
“Hey, I was hoping I’d find you here.”
“Is everything okay? Did something happen to Bells?” I asked.
I knew today was a hard day for her, though I didn’t know the extent of it. When she picked up Adam last night, she looked like she was on the verge of breaking down, and I tried not to tip the glass over by asking questions.
“She’s fine. I left her sleeping. Can I take a few minutes of your time?”
“I’ll go get some reps in,” Elim said, leaving us inside the arena.
Cade and I walked to the side and sat down.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
Cade started telling me everything that happened to Bells yesterday. I felt terrible for my big sister. She worked so hard to be everything for everyone, and people just kept punching her in the gut as repayment.
“Should I go talk to her?” I asked.
“Well, I mean, you can, but I just got her to sleep. I came out here because I had an idea, but I didn’t want to tell her unless you think it’s something you can do.”
“What’s that?”
“Well, would you be opposed to working the daycare until Bells found someone permanent? You love kids, and they don’t trigger you. I can be there at drop off and pick up times so you feel safe, and we can see what kind of security is there during the day so you don’t feel exposed.”
“I—” I stopped and thought about it. It wasn’t a bad idea. Most of what I was doing now wasn’t a priority. This would be a good way to keep helping my sister, and for me to keep pushing myself. “Let’s do it.”
“Yeah?” Cade’s face lit up with hope.
“Yeah. I think it’s a great idea. It’s a daycare, so I’m sure there are some security measures around the building. If there aren’t, I’m sure Bells wouldn’t be opposed to adding something or letting me set up somewhere within the pack house.”
“You’re the best, Violet.” Cade hugged me and stood. “I should get back to Bells before she wakes up.”
“Thank you, Cade.”
“For what?” He suddenly looked confused.
“For loving her the way you do.”
“She’s easy to love,” he answered, tipping his nonexistent hat before leaving.
“Ready to get back to it?” Elim came around after a little bit as I was lost in thought.
“Actually, can we call it a night? I want to go into the office and get some stuff ready.”
“Oh, sure. Is everything okay?” Elim asked, grabbing his towel and handing me my water bottle.
“Yep. I think I just got a new temporary job.”
“Oh, nice. Doing what?” he asked as we started walking back.
“Running the small daycare for the pack.”
“You like kids?” He eyed me from the side.
“Yep, do you?”
“Some. I could take it or leave it.” He shrugged.
“I grew up around a lot of kids. My siblings and countless of cousins. It was awesome.” I wanted my own someday, but it looked like it wouldn’t happen the more time went on. I pushed that thought out of my head. If it didn’t happen, I had plenty of siblings and three nephews already. I’d be fine.
Elim walked me to the office, and I got to work. I was good with kids, usually, but a whole daycare might get hard to do by myself, so I printed out tons of coloring book pages, activities for little kids and craft projects that didn’t require a lot of materials, since I didn’t know how well equipped it was.
A few minutes after I knew Bells usually got up and went down to help Charles and Lindsay, I texted her, asking her to come to the office. Bells showed up a few minutes later, looking concerned. Her eyes still looked puffy from crying.
“What’s up, Violet? Is everything okay?” she asked a little warily.
“Yep. I wanted to talk to you about something.”
“You’re not leaving early, are you?” she asked, and I could see her trying to collapse into herself, bracing for more bad news.
“I was hoping I could come with you to daycare today. I’m almost done with all the work here, and wanted to see if I could help there until I’m ready to head home.” I took a chance that she didn’t call me up on my bullshit lie. I forgot to ask Cade if he wanted me to tell Bells that he’d approached me about it or not, so I figured this might be best until we had a chance to talk again.
“Seriously?” Bells asked, looking at me like I was the messiah.
“I think so. I mean, I’d have to see if they want me, and what kind of security they have, but—” I stopped when I saw her eyes narrow. Shit.
“You know, don’t you?”
I sighed, and I could feel the heat on my cheeks.
“I found out about it, yes. I just want to help, Bells.”
“Are you sure this is something you can do, Violet? I would love it if you did this, but I don’t want this getting in the way of your progress.”
I shook my head. “I wouldn’t have volunteered if I thought I couldn’t do it. I do want to see what you have for safety, but considering it’s a daycare, I’m sure you have something in place.”
Bells got up, walked around the desk and hugged me. I felt her tears fall on my shoulders and pulled back. Bells hardly ever cried, and this worried me. I understood why Cade came to me now. It was clear things were starting to overwhelm her.
“Thank you, Violet. You don’t know how much you’ve helped me,” her voice cracked as she wiped the tears away.
“No more tears, okay? We’re all here to help, so use us.”
“Who told you?” she asked, sitting back down across from me.
“Will you be mad at them?” I wanted to know.
“No.”
“Cade told me last night. It was his idea that I take over the daycare.”
“Last night?” Bells looked confused.
“You were sleeping.”
“Oh.” A small blush appeared on her face. “I have to go help Charles, but can I come grab you when I have to go meet with Lydia?”
“Yep. I have to get my tablet, and then I’ll be ready.”
Once I gathered all the stuff I’d printed out, I walked out and went up the stairs. This was only the third day I was walking back to my room on my own and while my heart still raced when I reached the top, I was feeling really proud. I grabbed my tablet and then ran back down to the office, almost running into a hard body as I turned into the hall heading into the offices. Two hands shot out and steadied me, and I tried not to flinch at the contact.
“I’m sorry!” I said, trying to slap the tablet to my body so I didn’t drop it.
The scent hit me before I heard the voice of the body in front of me.
“It’s okay.”
I looked up to find Chris looking down at me, and my heart started thundering in my chest, his hands still on my shoulders. This was the first time I heard him speak since the day he broke up with me, and his scent and close proximity were sending butterflies everywhere on my body. The intensity of his gaze made me want to beg him to take me back, but remembering my promise, I took a step back, feeling cold once his hands dropped to his side.
“Sorry,” I repeated, running past him and into the office.
Bells came by a little later, and we walked out toward the daycare. It was only a ten-minute walk, and Lydia was waiting for us at the door. She opened the door and handed the keys to Bells before showing us around. Once she left, Bells looked around, and then back at me.
“What do you think?” she asked, fear and hope warring in her eyes.
“I think it could work. The kids don’t have to go outside, right?”
“No, it’s getting a little cool for the little ones. If you want to take them out, there’s a little area just outside that you can use. It’s got fencing.”
“Okay. If you’re okay with me locking the doors while I’m here by myself with them, Cade volunteered to be here during the drop-offs and pick-ups.” I took a deep breath. “I think I can do this.”
“You’re amazing, Violet,” Bells squealed, hugging me again.
We returned to the pack house and had a quick breakfast before Cade, Adam, Bells and I walked to the daycare. Bells left, but Cade remained for the next half hour as people dropped ten more kids off. It was noisy and chaotic for a little while as we got to know each other. It was overwhelming, but with Adam’s constant help in reminding me where everything was and supplying useful information about what each of the kids liked, we survived the first day.
I was exhausted by the end of the day, though, and I went straight to my room and collapsed, texting Bells that I would bypass dinner tonight. I snacked a lot throughout the day with the kiddos, anyway.
I woke up late in the evening from a nightmare with a sob. It took me a little bit to calm down, but when I heard Chris retreating from the other side of my closed bathroom door, my tears fell more rapidly. I missed him. I missed the smiles that he rarely gave anyone. I missed his corny jokes. I missed his arms around me, keeping away the nightmares. I missed his kisses.