34. Chapter Thirty-Four
Chapter Thirty-Four
Bellarose
I fucked up.
It was a hard truth to face as I watched Adam trying to get excited over feeding the giraffes, But failing. Even when the giraffe, sensing his sadness, tried to tickle the palm of his hand with its tongue, there was still no smile on my monkey’s face.
I fucked up.
I knew it from the moment the accusation left my lips. I knew it every day from the moment I woke up. I knew it when I listened to the words he said before he left.
Not all words can be taken back. I saw the evidence of that on his face before he left my bedroom that night. I had done irreparable damage, and I was willing to live with the consequences of my own actions.
But, it wasn’t until I was holding onto my child to stop him from running after Cade, that I realized just how big a fuck up I really made. I wasn’t the only one who loved Cade and wanted him in my life. Adam did as well, and as I tried to explain to him about Cade’s role and responsibilities, I could barely keep my own tears at bay.
Adam was usually so easy to sway and cheer up, and now I couldn’t pull a smile from his face. I felt like I’d taken yet another parent from him. We’d been at the zoo for a few hours, and I was giving up. Whatever happiness he would feel, we wouldn’t find it here today.
“Hey, monkey. Do you want to go to the mall, grab something to eat and then go home to watch some movies with Auntie Violet and Uncle Chris?”
“Okay.” He nodded somberly, taking my hand and walking away from the gorilla enclosure without even looking back.
By the time we got to the mall, Adam didn’t want to eat there. He wanted to go home and eat with Chris and Violet, so we picked up Chinese and were heading out, when I stopped in front of a kiosk, pulling him out of the pedestrian traffic.
“How about we get one of these?” I pointed to the dog tags with pictures engraved. “One of you and me?”
“Can we get one of Cade, too, and Chris and Violet?” Adam’s big hopeful eyes made my heart hurt.
“We don—Wait, actually.” I pulled out my phone and looked through the pictures. “I have one of you and Cade together. This one?”
I showed Adam the picture I’d snuck of the two of them laughing during a tickle fight. Adam nodded at me, the first smile of the day appearing on his face. I picked another one of us together and placed the order. While we waited, I sent a text to Violet asking for a picture of her and Chris. She sent it first, then asked what it was for, so I sent her a picture of the infographic and told her Adam wanted one. She responded back with a thumbs up and asked me to get one of Adam and me for her.
I ended up getting three of each of the three pictures. I told myself the ones of Adam and Cade were so I could keep extras for him in case he lost one, but I couldn’t even convince myself that was the real reason. I didn’t take many pictures of Cade while he was here, and I had none of us to remember our time together, so this was the only reminder of what we had.
What I destroyed.
I put the dog tags on a necklace for Adam and on keychains for Vi and me. We arrived back home an hour later, and I was thankful not to see Martha around.
We set up in the common room, spreading blankets and pillows to make it as fun for Adam as possible. It helped a little, but I could still see my little boy sad when I put him to bed. He wouldn’t even let me take the hat Cade gave him, so I hung it on the headboard, telling him he’d crush it in his sleep otherwise.
I walked back downstairs to find Violet and Chris cleaning up all the blankets and snacks. Disappointment shot through my body before I could cover it.
“You guys are going to bed?” I asked.
“No. I thought we’d just clean up most of it, while you put Adam to bed,” Violet responded.
“Oh,” I sighed with relief. I didn’t want to be alone tonight.
I helped finish cleaning up and we sat back down on the couches. It was nice to be out here, knowing someone wouldn’t come by with a look or request. Violet put another movie on, and I watched with a little wistfully as Chris reclined his seat and pulled Violet to cuddle with him.
I could have had that, and I threw it away because of my damn pride and fears. I settled in to watch the movie, and we were halfway through it, when I felt Cory pull at the mind-link.
‘Hey,’ I answered.
‘You knew about Chris and Violet this whole time and never told me?’ Cory went straight into it.
Shit.
Violet texted me she told Cory and our parents about their relationship, but I didn’t think Cory would be this angry about it.
‘I did. It wasn’t my news to share.’
‘I thought we weren’t going to be keeping secrets from each other anymore?’ Cory accused, and I felt a bit of guilt knowing I’d kept Cade from him, too.
‘Not my secret, Cory. I’m not betraying Violet’s confidence. If she can’t trust either of us, then we can’t keep her safe, can we?’
‘I know. It’s just...’
‘What’s really going on?’ I asked.
Cory was an overprotective big brother, but there was no reason he should be reacting this badly to the news. I knew he liked Chris. He wouldn’t have allowed him to protect Violet, otherwise.
‘Evie’s pregnant,’ he answered after a few moments of hesitation.
‘That’s amazing!’ When there was nothing but silence, I asked, ‘That’s not amazing?’
‘It is! It’s not that. She didn’t fucking tell me. She knew two whole weeks before she told me, and she admitted she only told me now because her scent was going to change soon,’ he grumbled.
‘That hurt your feelings?’ I guessed.
‘Everyone’s keeping secrets from me like I can’t handle them. She accused me of not letting her get her work done if she’d told me.’
‘Is she right?’
‘What if something happened while she was trying to lift something heavy, Bells?’ he asked instead of answering, which was an answer in and of itself.
‘So, she’s right and you’re angry because you know she had a point. Tell me Cory, did she actually lift anything very heavy while getting things ready?’
‘Well, no. Zi was there making sure she didn’t do any of the heavy stuff,’ he grumbled in response.
‘Would you have let her be there at all if you knew?’
‘Of course I would!’
‘Would you have hovered over her the whole time?’
‘W—’ Cory stopped and sighed.
‘Go makeup with your mate, Cory. She’s pregnant, which means she’s likely feeling very emotional right now,’ I advised.
‘Okay,’ he grumbled.
‘And, congratulations, brother.’
‘I’m going to have another pup, Bells,’ he said, happiness back in his voice.
‘You always wanted lots of them,’ I responded, genuinely happy for him. At least one of us was getting his happy ever after.
‘I did, and I do. I just don’t know how I’m going to handle three under two.’
‘Ask Mom, she did that with us,’ I replied, chuckling.
‘Oh, Goddess, you remember how we used to hide on her? I have a feeling Lucas and Leo are going to be worse than we were.’
‘Well, I’ll be there to help you hunt them down.’
It was the only silver lining to all of this shit. I was going home to my family.
‘I’m going to go look for my mate. I love you, Bells. Thanks for talking sense into me.’
‘Chat tomorrow, brother.’
“Was that Cory?” Vi asked when I ended the mind-link, guilt flooding her face.
“Yep.”
“Was it bad?”
“Not really. He is having a moment because Evie is pregnant, and she didn’t tell him right away.”
“Oh, that’s what he meant when he said everyone was keeping secrets from him,” she replied.
“Yep.”
“He’s still mad, then?”
“About Evie?”
“About Chris and me.”
“Oh, we didn’t talk about you two very long. Why? Was he mad?”
“He’s summoned us to his office the moment we get home,” she answered, surprising me.
“I’m not sure. I don’t see why he would be, but I’ll try to find out for you.”
“Please. At least, so I know what I should expect,” she replied.
“You got it.”
We watched another two movies, but by then, it was midnight and I could see Vi trying to stay awake, so I let them go to bed. Chris picked her up and carried her upstairs as I put away the rest of our snacks. I could hear her giggling at something Chris said on the way up, and I smiled. It was nice to see her happy again.
After I was done, I walked back to my room and looked at my empty bed. I went to take a long shower, but even then, all I could think about was the time I’d spent in here with Cade. I couldn’t even feel pleasure as the water refreshed my body, so I got out and crawled under the covers.
After an hour of not being able to sleep, I left my room and walked into his. I crawled into his bed, inhaling his scent, and hoping it was still here by the time I left this place.
It was two in the morning before I gave up trying to sleep and pulled out my phone. Cade would be in some hotel right now, resting before the last leg of the trip. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say, but I needed to at least try.
The phone went straight to voicemail when I dialed, and I took a deep breath before I spoke.
“Hi, Cade. I-You probably don’t want to hear from me, but I couldn’t just let things go with the way things ended. I’m sorry. That’s it. No ifs, ands and definitely no buts. I was feeling hurt and overwhelmed with everything that happened that day, and I took it out on the only person that was trying to help me— and love me. There’s no excuse for it. I went through it myself for so long, and I should have known better.”
I took another deep breath.
“The truth is, what I feel for you petrifies me. The idea of going through what I went through before petrifies me. I know you’re not him. Goddess, you’re so much better, and that scares me, too. If the Moon Goddess thought I deserved a man like Brandon, I definitely don’t deserve a man like you.”
I wiped a tear, and said what I should have said before he left.
“I love you... so fucking much. I—honestly, I don’t want to be without you. But, I know I fucked up, probably past the point of forgiveness. If I somehow haven’t. If you think there’s a chance you can forgive me—to salvage things—please, call me. I’m willing to do this on your terms, whatever they are. If you don’t call me... I’ll understand and let you live your life. I’ll try to get better over here, anyway.” I chuckled wryly. “I guess there was one ‘but’ in there for me after all.”
“ L una, where are the tools going?” Hugh asked me a couple of days later.
I rented five different rental trucks to empty out the pack grounds. Some of the equipment was going to an auction house to be sold. Furniture, clothing, and some appliances were going to a few women’s shelters in the state. Some of the tools were going to non-profit technical training programs that were helping homeless and recently released prisoners. Anyone who started over and needed a way to get back on their feet was worthy of help in my book. We only had a week and a half until we needed to get everything out before the new owners demolished the pack house.
In a way, I was happy to see everything crumble to the ground. I was even tempted to stay and watch. Maybe I could try to bribe one of the wrecking ball operators into letting me swing the ball. But, more than needing to see this place burn, I just wanted to be done. The only happy memories from this place were with Adam, Violet, Chris and Cade. Those memories were tinged by sadness now, thanks to me. I just wanted to go home.
“Truck two for the technical trainings,” I answered Hugh.
I had to hand it to him. Even though he was no longer a beta and he would barely be considered a warrior in Crescent Moon, he seemed eager to keep helping. I think he was trying to turn a new leaf and start fresh. A clean slate. I didn’t fault him for that. We could all use a clean slate.
“Hey, Chris,” I asked, as I walked into one of the bedrooms Violet, Chris and Adam were going through, a few minutes later.
“What’s up?” he answered, making me smile at his casual response.
It took him a bit, but after he got back together with Violet, he started making an effort to relax a bit more around me. I think he realized having Violet in his life meant my family was also becoming a permanent part of his, and he needed to get used to it.
“Can you take Adam to get a snack? I’ll finish going through this one with Violet for the next ten minutes.”
“Sure thing. Come on, Adam. I saw some brownies hidden behind the flour yesterday. We’ll go raid it before they can take it from us.”
“Hey! Those are my secret period brownies! Leave me one!” I called out after them.
“What’s going on?” Violet asked once they were out of earshot.
“I need your help. Adam’s still pretty down about Cade and, even more so because he was looking forward to the Halloween party the day after tomorrow. Can you and Chris help me set up a surprise Halloween party for him?”
“Of course, we can. I can even find us a pair of costumes.”
“Thank you, Vi. You’re the best. I have a couple boxes of decorations we can use, and I can head to the grocery store later for snacks and drinks.”
“Sounds good.”
“How’s everything going with you and Chris?” I asked and stopped rummaging through the drawers when I saw her blushing. “So, there’s tea there. Spill!” I grabbed her hand and made her sit on the bed.
“We—So the other day, after everyone left we… umm... I pushed through the fear.” Violet blushed.
“You had sex?” I asked, making sure I was understanding her correctly.
Violet blushed deepened and she nodded, making me squeal.
“And? Did you enjoy it?”
She nodded again, her face becoming so red I feared she might pass out. I hugged her, knowing how big a deal this was for my little sister.
“I’m so happy for you.” I pulled back. “Are you being safe? Like are you using a condom or using birth control of some type?”
“I’m on the shot,” she replied.
“The shot?”
“Yeah, I only have to take it every three months, and I’m covered.”
“Oh. Well, shit. Why didn’t my doctor ever tell me about that? I hate taking the pill every day.”
“It’s worked out okay. I—” Violet looked away for a moment. “It’s what saved me from getting pregnant when they kidnapped me.”
“I’m so happy for you, Violet. M-Maybe you can ask Dr. Campbell if she’ll take me on, during your next session?” It was my turn to look away.
“I can do that. H-Have you called him?”
“The night he left. It went to voicemail so I left him a message. I told him how I felt, and asked him to call me if he thought we could still salvage things.”
“Couldn’t you just call him again? What if his voicemail was full or he doesn’t listen to them?” she asked, but I shook my head.
“I told him I wouldn’t push if he decided not to call me back. I need to respect his choice. I fucked up big, Vi. The least I can do for him is not become that crazy ex-girlfriend.”
“He loves you, Bells,” Violet assured me, taking my hand and giving it a squeeze.
“Maybe he did, Vi. But there are things even love can’t push past.” I patted her hand and stood up. “Let’s get back to work.”