Chapter 35
CHAPTER 35
PEN
I t’s been two weeks, and instead of feeling settled, I’m finding myself more and more restless. I’ve not contacted Elijah, although I’ve kept myself abreast through online UK newspapers and news outlets. He looks tired, but then who wouldn’t be?
I’ve blamed my unease on pre-wedding nerves, but somewhere deep in my gut, I know it’s more than that.
I bash the cushion on the sofa next to me and let out a growl of frustration.
“Hey, what did the cushion do to you?”
I jump, my heart rate picking up.
“ Shit. Kris , you scared me. I wasn’t expecting you home,” I say, looking up and forcing a smile at the man lounging in the doorway.
He inclines his head and looks at me, his eyes softening, as they always do.
“Want to talk about it?”
“Nothing to talk about,” I say, shooting him another smile while busying myself with the real estate options I have in front of me.
“Then come here,” he says, stepping into the room.
I take a deep breath, my chest tightening before I stand and make my way across the room. I stop before him, and he stares at me.
His hand comes up and cups my cheek, his thumb brushing my skin.
“Talk to me,” he says. “You always have before.”
I look up at him, trying to stay neutral, but my eyes must reflect the devastation crushing my chest because he pulls me into his arms. I go willingly, resting my head against his shoulder. Kris has become a close friend, but where my head is currently, I can’t confide in him.
“Did something happen in London? Something you haven’t told me?”
I pull back and stare at the man who, in a month and a half, will become my husband.
I shake my head. “No,” I tell him truthfully.
He knows now it was Elijah I was helping and not Gabriel. Although I explained to him, it was Gabriel who asked.
“Ah. But you still love him, don’t you?”
I drop my forehead to his chest, his hands going to my shoulders, his fingers flexing, soothing the tight muscles.
Kris knows all about my past with Elijah, or lack of it. He knows about my unrequited love for a man that was never, and could never be mine. It’s amazing what you’ll admit when playing truth or dare after a few drinks. It was before we got together so he knows everything. Why I’ve been single all these years. My shattered hopes and dreams.
“We reminisced. It brought back a lot of memories.”
He runs a soothing hand up and down my back.
“He’s single now,” Kris says. “Maybe?—”
“No, he has Lottie. He’s made it clear she’s his number one priority.”
“He can raise his daughter and be in a relationship,” Kris says.
“Maybe if he felt that way about me. Our relationship has always been platonic on his part. It was me who fell for a man outside my league. To him, I’m a close friend. Nothing more.”
Kris lets out a bark of laughter.
“Is that what you think? Elijah Frazer is out of your league? Take it from me, Penelope Dawson. You could not be further from the truth. That man has it bad, and, if anything, you’re out of his league, and he knows it.”
I pull back and grip Kris’s forearms.
“No. Stop. I know what you’re trying to do.” I pull away, but he holds on to me. “I won’t let you.”
He inclines his head and stares at me. “You really have no idea, do you?” he says. “Pen, the way Elijah looked when he saw us together at Caleb and April’s wedding. I can promise you he was jealous. He’s not as immune as you think he is. He can’t even bring himself to come to our wedding.”
I shake my head. “You’re mistaken. He has to look after Lottie, especially as the rest of his family are coming.”
My thoughts return to Leah’s words, to Kat’s. To the words Elijah muttered when he thought I was out of hearing. Could he want me?
Kris takes hold of my hand and leads me to the sofa.
“Pen. You’re Penelope Dawson, a self-made millionaire. You’re a genius with a workforce who would walk through fire and ice for you. Half the men in the world would give their right arm to date you. Why do you find it so hard to believe Elijah Frazer is any different?”
“Only half the men?” I quirk an eyebrow, not understanding why Kris is telling me all this.
“Okay, maybe three-quarters. What I’m saying is. You’re beautiful, intelligent, and witty, but for some reason, when it comes to Elijah, you seem to have a block. He turns you back into the woman you were before. The one you showed me pictures of. The one who wore a mask of metal and face paint.”
I rest my forearms on my thighs. My hands still clasped in Kris’s.
“I’m not sure where you’re going with this. Why are we even talking about Elijah Frazer? He doesn’t matter. I’m marrying you in six weeks. We’re starting a new life together, putting the past behind us. We both agreed.”
I look up, and his expression breaks my heart.
He purses his lips.
“Pen, I would love to marry you for all the reasons I just stated.” He sighs. “But I don’t think I’m the man for you.”
I sit up and spin on the sofa, releasing his hands and capturing his face.
“You are. You’re the first person to understand me, accept me for who I am.”
My stomach drops as he takes my hands in his and draws them down into his lap.
“I’d say that’s not true.” He inclines his head. “There’s another man who understands you. A man who accepted you long before I did. Only fate stepped in and pulled you apart.”
His words echo the ones Elijah said, about time and fate never being on our side.
“Pen, listen to me. You can’t walk away, not if you have a chance at true happiness. True love.” He gives me a sad sigh. “You tried to ignore what you saw at Caleb and April’s wedding, but you can’t. Not when you’ve felt it yourself.”
I shake my head from side to side.
“Can you?” he says. “We are perfect in so many ways, and I do love you, Pen. But I’m not, and I don’t think I ever will be the love of your life.”
“You’re wrong,” I say, but the words sound hollow even to my ears.
“Am I?” he says. “Pen, I need you to listen to me.”
He waits until my eyes meet his. His shape blurs as reality takes hold.
“When I lost Annie, I lost the love of my life. But I wouldn’t change a moment of the time I spent with her for all the heartache and pain. That kind of love is rare.”
“I’m sorry,” I say.
“Don’t be. But one thing I know is I can’t deprive you of that same love, that feeling of completeness. Not if you can have it too.”
“But how many times do I have to tell you? Eli sees me as his friend. He doesn’t love me .”
My voice rises with despair and desperation.
This can’t be happening.
“Are you sure about that?”
I pause.
“Did your heart race when you were together? Did he find reasons to touch you? Hold your hand?”
“We were working,” I say, but my mind recounts every memory of Elijah touching me, albeit to pass a coffee or to offer comfort. That last morning when he told me he wasn’t coming to the wedding, the look in his eyes.
Could it be true?
No, stop! I have my life planned out, damn it. I’m not going to do this to myself again.
“You’re wrong,” I say, more firmly this time.
“If you don’t have feelings for Elijah and truly believe he doesn’t love you, that you don’t love him. Come to bed. Let me make love to you,” Kris says, holding out his hand.
My muscles tense, and my chest tightens. I inhale a shuddering breath.
Kris surprises me, taking my head in his hands once more.
“Look at me.”
My eyes drop to my knees.
“Pen, look at me,” he says more firmly.
I raise my eyes slowly, unsure what I’ll see there.
“You love him, Pen. You can’t ignore that, even if you want to. I won’t marry someone who’s so clearly in love with another man.” He shakes his head, his expression hardening.
“But… I…” I fumble over the words. This is not what I was expecting. Shouldn’t he be screaming and shouting. As if sensing where my thoughts have gone, Kris smiles.
“Not when you haven’t explored whether that love is a real possibility,” he says. “Tell me part of you doesn’t want to try?”
I flinch at his words but know he’s right.
Fuck, this can’t be happening.
This is not what I want. To spiral back into the days when Elijah Frazer was my sun and moon. Kris is stable. I know where I stand with him. He’s safe. We have a future planned. I have my future planned.
“We can make it work. You and me,” I say. “We have the wedding booked. We can’t just call it off.”
He gives me a brotherly, patient look. One I have come to recognise so well.
“We probably could make it work, until that nagging doubt in the back of your head has you questioning everything.” He draws back, and I open my mouth to speak. He holds up a hand and I close it again. “You’ll wander if you made the right choice? Then after this conversation there will be the - What-if?” He lets out a deep sigh. “You talk about fate. Have you thought maybe fate sent you back? Wanted to show you there’s still a spark between you. That you need to go back and see what it means?”
Kris’s eyes lock with mine, and I see the determination in his.
“No,” I say, shaking my head frantically, as pressure builds in my chest, threatening to smother me.
Kris sits back, folding his arms over his chest, a vein throbbing in his forehead.
“Pen, you haven’t let me near you since you came back. It’s been one excuse after another. Our relationship will not work if you can’t bring yourself to be with me.”
“I’m sorry.”
I let out a sob. For the first time, realising what he says is true. I have pushed him away every time he’s approached me. Guilt wracks my mind.
He rests his forearms on his thighs, taking one of my hands in his. His thumb rubbing soothing circles on the back of my hand.
“Don’t be sorry, beautiful lady. Loving someone is a gift. I loved Annie. Know that feeling. I care deeply about you, Pen. I want what’s best for you, and if Elijah Frazer is that man, then you need to at least try.”
I press my lips to Kris’s, silencing him.
But it contains no passion, feels more like a goodbye.
“What did I do to deserve such an amazing friend?”
It’s then I realise. That’s what he is, all he will ever be — my friend.
“Friendship goes two ways. Because of you, I now believe moving on is possible after losing Annie, something I never thought I could do. You’re a special person, Penelope Dawson. You’ve gone after everything you wanted in this life, so why stop now? It’s time you go after the one person you desire. Find out if he feels the same way.”
I bite my lip, missing the feeling of the metal between my teeth.
Is he right?
Elijah always accepted me, goth girl, or not.
“What if you’re wrong?”
My insecurities rearing their head.
“I promise you. I’m not.”
He takes my hand in his, linking our fingers.
“But if I am, I’ll still be here, and Elijah Frazer is even more of an idiot than I thought.”
I can’t prevent the single tear that escapes and tracks its way down my cheek.
Kris catches it.
“I’ll get them to prepare the jet. It’s time for you to go home.”
Home—a surprising warmth spreads through my chest at that one word.
I shake my head.
“No, I’ll book a flight. I can’t take your jet.”
“Pen, let me do this for you. You are and always will be my friend. It’s what friends do.”
He pulls me into his arms, and I relax against him, absorbing his strength. I hold on, letting his belief eat away at my self-doubt. I’m not sure how long we stay there, but the comfort of a friend when you’re in need. There’s nothing like it.