Chapter Nine Han
CHAPTER NINE
HAN
M y arms burned like hell as I fought to raise my chin to the pull-up bar. I’d placed the bar at the edge of the hallway leading to the living room so I could watch movies while working out. Moana was a good distraction from the pain in my arms, and the pain was a good distraction from what could have happened today and that I wouldn’t know if everyone was okay until Kenny got home.
Don’t think about it.
Instead of thinking, I screamed out the final words to the song as I pulled my chin to the bar for as long as the final note lasted.
Kenny jiggled the doorknob and walked in just in time for my performance. He laughed to himself as he tossed his stuff on the counter and kicked off his shoes. Then he walked to the living room, the smile wiped from his face as he gave me a worried look. I ignored it, pulling myself up again, then again.
Then Kenny’s face changed from worried to amused, and he bit back a grin. “You sound like you’re having sex.”
One of my hands slipped from the bar, and an awkward laugh escaped as I reached back up and kept going, trying not to appear flustered. “And you… uhhn… sound like you’re… ahhh… twelve.”
Kenny laughed, too. “Just trying to lighten the mood.”
“Lighten it from what?”
Kenny raised an eyebrow like the answer was obvious. He gestured to the TV. “Moana and working out? You couldn’t possibly be looking for a… pick-me-up , could you?” Kenny grinned, proud of his not-even-that-clever pull-up pun.
“Whatever.” I rolled my eyes. “Did those guys end up calling the cops?”
“Nope. I paid for their refund out of pocket.”
Thank God.
Kenny plopped himself on the couch while I kept at my pull-ups. We were both quiet for a minute, minus the “sex sounds.” Then Kenny gave me another solemn look. “I know you don’t like talking about this, but is it okay if we do for a second?”
I dropped from the bar and switched to crunches. Exercising was a necessary buffer from things getting too real.
“Are you gonna stay now that you have another job?” Kenny asked after a moment of silence.
“What are you talking about?”
Kenny sighed shakily. “I know you were thinking about moving back to Mexico. But you have a job now! I’ll send you home like I did today if anyone tries to call the cops at work. I…” He swallowed. “I don’t want to lose you. Please stay.”
A million thoughts swirled through my brain at once. It took a minute to pick one to say out loud. “You know it wasn’t about the job, right? It was about the green card. My old job was supposed to sponsor it. That’s why I was thinking about going back to Mexico. How did you even know about that, anyway?”
Kenny slumped his head and looked up at me through thick lashes. “When I was doing your laundry, I saw your video…”
“And you watched it?” I stopped doing sit-ups to meet Kenny’s eyes. There was no way I heard him right.
“It was an accident! I thought it was one of your songs. I had no idea it wasn’t for me to watch. I’m sorry, Han—”
“The hell, dude? That shit is private.” I rubbed my temples. Kenny knew about the video, meaning he probably thought it was actually for my mom. How was I supposed to explain the truth?
“But, Han…” Kenny chewed his lip before eventually continuing. “Why was it private? Not the video, I mean… I’m your best friend. Shouldn’t you tell me if you’re thinking about moving to another country?”
I turned to meet his gaze. “Me going back to Mexico has always been a possibility. I could get deported tomorrow. You know that. I’ve always thought about going back. My whole life!”
“Do you really want to go back?” Kenny’s voice shook.
“No!” I shouted, which made Kenny jump. Seeing him startle at my raised voice made me soften up, and I went back to doing crunches to ease the guilt. “This is my home,” I finally added.
“I feel like a complete ass,” Kenny said.
“Why?”
“Because you deal with this every day. Today was the first time I’ve had a real scare about it. Like, I worry all the time, but I never had to truly face your reality until today.” Kenny leaned his elbows on his knees and covered his face with his hands. Then his voice came out softer, like he was about to cry. “When I thought Daniel was gonna call the cops, it all hit me at once. And you have to deal with that fear all the time.”
“What’s your point, Kenny?” I probably sounded too exasperated to be polite, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t trying to talk about Kenny’s feelings about my sad little life.
Kenny looked up at me, and I looked at the ceiling. “My point is… we should do something about it.”
Wow. I stopped with the crunches again, sitting up and shooting Kenny a glare. “Are you gonna take down ICE all by yourself? ’Cause I don’t have any other ideas.” My words might have come across harsher than I’d meant them. I was just so frustrated. This was exactly the topic I wanted to avoid, and here Kenny was forcing it to the surface.
Kenny didn’t look away. “Have you considered marrying someone for citizenship? Maybe Tatiana?”
“That’s not an option.”
“Why not?”
“For one, Tatiana and I broke up.”
“Okay, but you’re you . There’s no way you don’t have, like, twenty girls who would gladly line up to marry you if you asked.”
“That’s the thing. I can’t just ask someone to stall their whole life for me. I’m not gonna use someone like that.” I stood up and crossed my arms. Of course I’d thought about marrying someone for citizenship. But it wouldn’t be right. How could Kenny bring this up like I’ve never thought about it myself?
Kenny stared intensely into my eyes before saying anything.
“Use me.”
I wanted to check my ears to make sure I was hearing him right.
His eyes never left mine as he spoke. “I’m serious, Han. Use me . Marry me.”
My face got hot. “This isn’t funny. This whole thing is so fucked up, and all you have are jokes?”
“I’m not kidding,” Kenny said, eyes still intensely on mine.
“I… Are you—” I couldn’t get words out. Was he serious? “I can’t— we can’t just—”
Kenny interrupted, which was something he never did. “What if I couldn’t calm those guys down today? What if it happened when I wasn’t there?” I just stood there while Kenny rambled, dumbfounded and unable to form words. “Think about it. You could become a citizen! No more panic attacks. We can save on taxes. Everyone already thinks we’re secretly in love.” Kenny laughed, but I was having a hard time catching my brain up. “Plus, it would piss Jackie off.”
Theeere it was. Kenny was always trying to distract himself with a project for someone else when he was going through something. The last time he and Jackie broke up, he helped Tatiana get her job at the restaurant. When Jackie cheated on him, he convinced his parents to do couples counseling. He’s always putting other people before his own pain. But I didn’t want to be his breakup charity case.
“Bro, you’re not about to marry me just to make your ex jealous.” I laughed, because if I didn’t laugh, I might get my hopes up. I knew better than that when it came to relying on other people, even if that person was the most trustworthy guy I knew.
“I’m just saying. It could be a game changer. It’s not a bad idea…” Kenny started mumbling, which meant the gears in his head were turning.
“Stop fucking with me,” I said humorlessly. I still couldn’t tell if Kenny was being serious. We’d joked about getting married before, but only because of that vote from high school.
“I’m not! The pros totally outweigh the cons. I’m dead serious.” Kenny’s dark eyes looked even bigger under his glasses, intense and unblinking as he spoke. “Han, you could stay. Like, legally, you could stay.”
I couldn’t lie, though, the thought of being a legal citizen was hard not to entertain. And don’t get me wrong, I was totally aware that becoming a citizen was more complicated than a wedding, but getting married was a huge step. Still, there was no way this was a good idea.
“Han.” Kenny got up and walked over so we were face-to-face, and his eyes bored into mine. “I know how serious this is. I’m serious, too. Do you really think I’d mess with you about this?”
I had to look away because meeting his eyes felt too intimate. “I guess you wouldn’t, huh?”
Without hesitating, Kenny dropped down on one knee. “Han, will you fake marry me?”
I had to laugh. “Not happening.”
It was a ridiculous idea. Way too risky. No way would I put Kenny at risk like that. I was sure the consequences of a fraudulent marriage weren’t pretty. I’d definitely be deported, and Kenny would probably get thrown in jail or something.
“Why not?” Kenny looked disappointed.
“You’d probably go to jail if we got caught.”
“We won’t get caught.” Kenny smirked, still on one knee. How could he be so confident?
“I’m not risking your ass just so I can have a valid ID.”
Kenny finally stood up, and his eyes softened. “You know it’s so much more than that.”
I sighed. Of course I knew. Being a citizen was the dream, but… it was a selfish dream. Still, a small part of me (which I was trying to ignore) was intrigued by the idea of marrying Kenny. Even if it terrified me.
“It’ll be okay! We won’t get caught. We’ll do a damn good job faking it.”
“Kenny…”
“I’m just gonna keep asking…” Kenny said with an annoying look of determination.
“Ask all you want.” I knew Kenny well enough to know he’d make good on that promise. I just needed to wait it out, and he’d eventually forget.
“I will!” Kenny announced, then left to grab his keys from the table. “I’ll be back!”
“Where are you—” I started, but the door was already open and closed, and Kenny was gone.
Kenny really had no idea what his offer was doing to me. I lay in bed trying not to daydream about what it’d be like to marry him. It was true that my life would be a lot easier, but it felt so selfish. Kenny was only doing this because he basically lived to make other people happy. The dude was always doing nice things for me, or Jackie, or his parents, or strangers on the street. I didn’t know how Kenny had the energy to live his own life when all he seemed to care about was other people.
I rolled over and reached for my guitar. Playing calmed my nerves, and I needed to shut out the intrusive citizenship fantasy, so I played some of Tío Nacho’s favorite music. Nacho always wanted me to practice mariachi music so I could join his band, which I had no interest in. Music was personal for me, not something I wanted to share with complete strangers. Especially when it came to my own songs.
Before long the apartment door opened again. Kenny’s footsteps came down the hall as if he was about to come into my room, but then he went away. Soon there was shuffling around the kitchen, and my curiosity got the better of me. I got up and opened my door to find a bouquet of red roses on the floor.
“Um, what are these for?” I asked.
“What are what for?” Kenny shouted from the kitchen.
“The flowers?”
“Sounds like a total mystery. Is there a note?”
I crouched down and plucked the note from the side of the bouquet.
To: Kenny’s future husband, Alejandro Torres
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Really, dude?”
When Kenny said he wasn’t going to stop asking, he really wasn’t wasting any time. I grabbed the roses and headed to the kitchen.
“I made dinner!” Kenny exclaimed proudly.
I sniffed the air, the smell of sweet batter wafting through the room.
“Pancakes?”
“You love breakfast for dinner, so… pancakes!” Kenny brought two plates over to the kitchen bar and pulled out a stool for me. I rolled my eyes playfully and sat down.
I looked down at the pancake, where “ marry me? ” was spelled out with chocolate chips.
“You are too much.” I laughed.
“Soooo… have you changed your mind?” Kenny sat down next to me, looking up at me with those adorable puppy eyes.
“In the, what, hour it’s been since you last asked?” I cut out a slice with my fork to distract from Kenny’s puppy-dog eyes and took a bite. It was super crispy on the bottom.
“Sorry it’s a little burned.” Kenny nudged his head on my shoulder, laughing into it, all embarrassed. “Kinda took me a while to spell with the chocolate chips.”
I wanted to enjoy the moment and savor his playful energy, but I couldn’t.
“Kenny,” I cleared my throat. “I appreciate the offer. Really. But I’m not gonna let you marry me just because you like making other people happy or to distract yourself from Jackie. This isn’t a game. It’s my life . It’s your life! I’m not about to let you ruin it for my sake.”
“The distraction is an added perk,” Kenny admitted. “But I wouldn’t offer if I wasn’t serious. I know this isn’t a game, Han. I want to do this. Just… think about it, okay?”
I took my time chewing before answering. There was no way he’d leave me alone if I didn’t give him something . Even if nothing came of it.
“I’ll think about it.”