Chapter Ten Kenny
CHAPTER TEN
KENNY
T he next morning, my alarm had me bolting upright and throwing my comforter off. There was no time to sulk about Jackie. Not today. I jumped up and stumbled over my feet to get out of my room as quickly as possible. I scrambled into the hallway to find Han also rushing out of his own room. We shared a mischievous grin before rushing down the hall to the living room.
It was cleaning Sunday . Han and I didn’t do just any cleaning day. It was a race. A game. An opportunity to blast music and speed-clean faster than the week before… and reward ourselves with pizza if we won. I hurried to the TV and put on some music, watching Han’s face as I pressed play.
He laughed and shook his head when “Marry You” by Bruno Mars started playing. I wasted precious time serenading Han as I folded the blanket on the couch while he pretended to ignore me.
After folding the blanket, I rushed to vacuum the floor while Han did last night’s dishes. The music was loud enough to hear over the vacuum and clinking plates. I kept singing, coaxing Han to join along, and he finally did. My future husband and I belted about drunkenly wanting to marry each other, and I let myself read into the twinkle in Han’s eyes.
After a half hour of singing, dancing, and cleaning, the apartment was spotless.
“Time!” Han stopped his phone timer, and I waited in anticipation for the results. “Fuck yeah!” Han shouted, and we ran in celebratory circles around the room whooping and cheering before doing our overly complicated celebratory handshake, which always ended with us flopping onto the couch. Beating last week’s time meant pizza, and my empty stomach was already vibrating with excitement.
Sunday was my favorite day of the week. The tradition had started back when we’d moved into our first apartment together. Living in filth was freeing for a while, because it was the first time in our lives we were allowed to. Eventually, though, our limit was beyond reached, but we could only seem to clean regularly if it was fun. Our cleaning day races were born, and we never looked back.
Han had just ordered the pizza when there was a knock on the door. I’d forgotten Leti was coming over to play Smash Bros . I glanced at Han, who was dramatically splayed out on the couch as if he’d just run a marathon and not merely cleaned an albeit messy apartment.
“Can you get that?” Han asked.
“Only if you marry me,” I teased, and Han took the couch pillow from under his head and threw it at mine. I snickered as I dodged the pillow, then opened the door, revealing both Leti and Tatiana.
“Hey, Kenny!” Tatiana pulled me in for a hug.
“Oh shit,” I accidentally said out loud. I liked Tatiana, but hadn’t she and Han just broken up? I had to think fast to save Han from the awkward encounter. “Han’s… um…”
“Tatiana! I didn’t know you were coming!” Han said from behind me, making me jump. He hugged Leti, then Tatiana, and led them inside.
Welp, if Han was okay with Tatiana being here, then I wouldn’t say anything. I couldn’t lie though, it felt weird that he was so excited to see her. I couldn’t imagine how I’d act if Jackie came over unannounced.
I shook the thought off as Leti and Tatiana filed inside while Han set up Smash Bros . I had to admit I was glad for the distraction. Anything to keep from thinking about her . Leti, Han, and Tatiana squeezed onto the couch while I sat with my legs crossed on the floor in front of Han. He handed me a controller, and we chose our fighters and the map, then started playing.
Unsurprisingly, I was the first to lose.
Okay, so Smash Bros was proving to be an insufficient distraction. My mind kept wandering to thoughts of Jackie, so I kept losing, no matter how hard I tried to concentrate.
Jackie and I had broken up before, but this time felt different. Final. And I knew it had to stay that way, but it still sucked. Jackie was my first. My only. What if no one else ever loved me again? Jackie definitely thought no one would—at least, she told me as much. What if I died alone because I didn’t choose Jackie over Han?
Suddenly, I got déjà vu from the night we broke up, when I’d had pretty much these exact thoughts, only drunkenly. The memory of me trying to plant one on Han flashed before my eyes for a split second before I shooed it away. No, I must have been imagining that. Sure, I’d thought about kissing Han before, like, with a mouth that smoochy-looking, who wouldn’t? But I definitely couldn’t have been drunk enough to do it, right? And if I had, it didn’t mean anything. Couldn’t. It was one thing to use a random Grindr guy as a rebound (disastrous as that attempt was), but a completely different thing to use Han . He meant too much to be a rebound, so I had to be careful with those kinds of thoughts.
“Die, Kirby!!” Tatiana shouted.
“Fuck!” Han slumped forward and threw his arms around my shoulders and neck in a loose choke hold. “Losers’ circle.”
Tatiana gave Han a playful nudge, and he let go of me to nudge her back. I couldn’t stop thinking about how cool it was that Han and Tatiana were so friendly despite being exes. I wondered if I could ever be friendly with Jackie. Then again, did I want to be? When I racked my brain, it was hard to even remember what that was like.
Even the thought of dying alone wasn’t enough to make me regret the breakup. But it still hurt. She knew I’d always struggled with depression and low self-esteem. I liked to think she was helping me through it by building me up and making me feel special, but that always came crashing down when she got mad, which was more often than I wanted to admit…
After a few more distracted rounds on my part, I felt a hand squeeze my shoulder. I looked behind me to see Leti offering a comforting smile. Was I being that obvious? I shook it off and joined the game again the next round, vowing not to be the first to die again.
I failed less than ten seconds in.
Luckily, the pizza showed up right as I died. I was so in my own head I forgot we’d ordered it. I got the door and tipped the guy generously, but when I came back to put the boxes on the coffee table, the game was paused.
Leti sat on the arm of the couch now to make room for me to sit between them and Han. I put the pizza down, then took the seat. I must have looked extra pathetic given the three pairs of pitying eyes staring at me.
“Talk to us, Kenny,” Leti said. “You okay?”
I sighed and let my head fall back against the edge of the couch. If I were Han, I’d make up some excuse and say I was fine, but I wasn’t good at hiding my emotions. I tried for the sake of other people, but when I got confronted, I was always bursting to talk.
“Jackie and I broke up.” My voice caught in my throat.
“Oh no, I’m sorry.” Tatiana was the only one who seemed sympathetic.
“Thanks.” I wiped my nose.
“I know breakups suck, but it’s for the best. That bitch was fucking mean,” Leti said.
“Don’t call her a bitch…” I mumbled softly. I was such a wimp, I couldn’t even properly stand up for the girl I loved.
“Fine. But you know I’m right,” Leti said as they grabbed a slice. Han and Tatiana followed suit, but I wasn’t hungry anymore. Leti always wanted to help, but the only kind of love they offered was the tough kind. “She treated you like shit. I’m glad you got out.”
“Yeah, I know…” I felt weird admitting it. I always felt like the ins and outs of my relationship with Jackie were private, but clearly everyone else had their opinions. I wondered what that meant about how they thought of me .
“Why’d you stay with her for so long anyway? You could do way better,” Leti said.
“I loved her.” My voice was so low, I barely heard myself. I knew they wouldn’t understand. They only saw the bad parts. They never saw her soft side. How her head fit perfectly in the crook of my neck, or how she was my big spoon, latching on to me like a backpack. How much she cared about her job at the shelter and all the women she helped. She was almost as physically affectionate as I was, so I never felt like I was being too much. Jackie knew me better than I knew myself and never hesitated to call me on my shit. I was indecisive about everything , but Jackie knew what she wanted. And she wanted me , of all the people in the world. That part I’d never understand.
“Do you still?” Tatiana asked.
“I…” Now that I thought about it, I wasn’t sure if I was really in love or just lonely. “I don’t know…” I finally said.
Han stayed noticeably quiet, which didn’t surprise me one bit. It was very Han to avoid discussions about feelings. But more than anything, I wished he would forget about his machismo for one second and offer me a freaking hug or something.
“You have us if you need anything, okay?” Leti wrapped their arms around my shoulders, and I hugged them back. I really needed one. Even though Leti never liked Jackie, they were always a good friend. I felt my eyes prick with tears, and I quickly pulled away to wipe them. I felt so pathetic, crying over a breakup everyone was happy about.
“Oh, Kenny…” Leti cupped my face in their hands. “You deserve so much better than that b—I mean, than her .”
I couldn’t help it. The tears came back. I couldn’t put it in words, so I just cried. I wasn’t upset that Jackie had hurt me. I was upset that I lost her. I didn’t deserve better at all. I didn’t want to break up with Jackie. I just wanted her to get along with Han, but that would never happen. And Leti and Han were right. She treated me like crap, and I hated myself for letting her. But now that I ended it, I felt worse for missing her. Being alone scared the shit out of me.
I leaned on Han’s shoulder, and he finally wrapped an arm around me.
“Let it out, bro.”
“I don’t want to be alone!” I blurted out as tears streamed down my face. Han rubbed my back.
“You’re never alone, bro,” he said as he reached for the last slice, which he always managed to get, ever since we were little. It used to annoy me, but now I allowed it every time. “I’m literally here with you, like, twenty-four-seven,” he said through a mouthful of pizza, and I let out a laugh-cry. It was true. I wasn’t alone alone. Han was always by my side. And maybe that was enough.
Maybe that was more than enough.